My Mom is 84 and has severe copd. She had heart surgery 6 years ago and was not able to go home after a 4 month rehab so I found an assisted living facility (researched tons, moved her in, managed the clean out and sell of her house etc). That first year I was visiting her in the hospital 4-5 times a week and then in the assisted living facility 2-3 times a week. I was afraid she was going to die and I wanted that time with her... well here we are 5 years later I am just tired.
She has gotten progressively worse and while she does not live with me, I am really the only family she has locally so everything is on me. I run her errands weekly for things she needs , manager her bills, orders from amazon, take her out to lunch every so often etc.
I work full time and have 3 kids - 2 in competitive club sports and I am feeling so resentful these days.
She was in the hospital in March and then again last month and now she is in rehab and we are deciding if and when she can go back to assisted living but I’m back to visiting her or dropping things buy 4-5 times a week and I’m exhausted.
I have one brother who lives 2.5 hours away who visits occasionally but that is it.
I'm sad and tired and work out and feel so guilty.
Her lung doctor told me last week that she is very very severe but at the same time can hang on like this for a long time and to see her decline is killing me - both emotionally and physically.
and if I have one more person tell me I should just be glad to have my mother still on this earth - I’m going to lose my mind.
Consider skilled nursing for your mother. With her chronic and severe health problems, she is beyond assisted living. She needs supervised medical care. This should cut down on her hospital visits. If she is in skilled nursing, you will not have to do so much for her.
Do you you really need to run there 4-5 times a week to drop things off and visit? Can you just collect these things and drop them off once or twice a week? What needs does she have that you need to shop for weekly? What bills does she have that you have to manage? You can ask her to cut down on the Amazon orders too, or have them sent directly to the facility. If she has a small room, chances are she will not have space for these things. Take a good look at what you need to do for her versus what she expects you to do. There may be things you can let go. Since she is in AL, there shouldn’t be that much you need to do. Rely on what they provide for her rather than what she might expect you to provide.
You can always call a Care Conference and speak with the staff at the AL for their suggestions.
I stopped talking to a friend that constantly made that same remark to me, saying how lucky I was! How about them saying how lucky our moms are to have us, right?
On another topic, my just-turned 100 mother will cry and whine constantly and ask me what she should be doing - keeps asking me and when I tell her either nothing or just eating and drinking - gets really angry at me the next minute because I didn't tell her what to do. Has anyone ever experienced anything like this?
Tonight is my first night on this forum and am thankful I am already getting some great advice like the Catholic Charities helpers - thank you for sharing!
Blessings and luck to all!
I kept track of my mom via phone and had a care conference about once every three months. I didn’t feel at all out of the loop. She wasn’t happy either, but she needed to be there. I had some feelings of guilt as well, but when I saw how needy she was and I knew I couldn’t possibly take care of her myself,
Try to accept that Mom is where she needs to be. It’s not your fault. You are a good daughter and you want the best for her. She’s in a place where they can do the best for her.
I retired 1 year ago and I now work much harder than I've ever worked in my life. No one was willing to give up their lives or lifestyle in order to take on this challenge. And I stress, "CHALLENGE."
We have a couple of ladies who comes in a few times per week but when they decide not to work I'm with mom as long as 15 hours. This is a fluid situation and sounds like yours is as well. I
If you don't get respite your anguish (from tiredness) will be placed on something or someone else.
I will say that you must have time away from your situation. There may programs in your area to give you respite, or if you have friends who are willing to step in and give you a break allow them to do so. One thing for sure is you need time away.
Would it *really* be evil of you not to run yourself ragged getting over there virtually every day?
While I was caring for my mother at home, my cousin was caring for her mother who had advanced Parkinson's and was (after many years' resistance) in a good nursing home. I never felt that my cousin worked less hard, worried less or did less for her mother than I did. Surely you're entitled to judge what is reasonable and feasible for you?
While she is in rehab, have her evaluated for LTC. This would be the time to change her over. There comes a time when an AL is not enough.
she has sizable investments so could self pay at the nursing home for a number of years - I’m just not sure that’s the way to go but will defer to what they recommend.
In your growing up, I hope you had a loving mother. One that stayed up with you through all your sickness, trials and tribulations. And how many of you were there for her to raise?
The one thing I know about a loving mother is they would never say "I'm tired of
taking care of this child".
Care for your mother by pouring all the love she gave you back into her.
At the end of the day, I am 100% responsible for my children. My mother is financially comfortable and can finance the support she needs - she just prefers me.
Take a day off for YOU. I hope you are doing that. Your Mom seems to be cared for at the facility maybe cut back on some things from weekly to every two weeks. You are an AMAZING Mom, Daughter and employee for juggling all of this, you are a warrior!! God Bless and sending you hugs for some peace and calm in your life since you need that for you :)
If you're worried she'll get bored if you're not there so much, see if the facility she's in has activities or volunteers who will visit with her.
Of course you're exhausted. Give yourself a break; you and your family will be healthier for it.
interestingly enough, my mother is following the path she wants to go down - slow and steady Decline. This is just so much harder.
no family in the area so aside from my brother - it’s just me.
if your mom's COPD is that severe your doctor should order hospice for her. And perhaps it’s time to consider a long term care as opposed to AL. That way she may not need hospital quite so frequently.
I'm sure others have said it, but with her in a facility, you don’t need to visit so often. I cut my visits to my dad down so I could keep my sanity and I’m retired without kids!! You work and have kids too. So you need to reorder priorities. You can’t enjoy your mom if you are feeling resentful. And you feel resentful because you are on overload. Cut back to once a week and fit it in on your timetable. And make the visits short if need be. But remember, she is getting care and has eyes on her.
And by the way, you are a GOOD daughter so lose the judgement. Your brother could visit at least once a month. His drive isn’t that far away. And can he do some of the financial aspect of care?
Repeats “you just can’t wait to get rid of me”!! And, I never thought my 2 kids would abandon me!! Oh stop it Mom, no one is abandoning!! My mom is miserable, she can be with others her age & partake in activities daily when she moves out of my home. To “punish” me she spends all day in her room, comes out to eat & doesn’t speak. When I speak to her & ask her to answer me she says “no I’m not & I don’t intend to”!! Oh my goodness, I’m tired of it!!!
I was just reading an article and I will never say to you
"just be glad to have your mother still on this earth" That feels very cruel to tell you and I am sorry that was said. You are reaching out to us for help. I saw a great article, and am rarely a person that responds but would like to:
The Atlantic.com Business Section THE CRISIS FACING AMERICA'S WORKING DAUGHTERS: Women with aging parents are unseen and widely ignored. They can read all day and all night about the many stresses of working motherhood including pregnancy discrimination, the wage gap, the mommy wars, leaning in, and opting out, but there is very little out there to assist between their careers and the needs of their aging parents. 44 million unpaid eldercare/full time working men and women (over 90% are women) Women lose an average of $324,004 in compensation due to caregiving.
What I want to tell you is this. I am a professional caregiver, once volunteered to be my mothers unpaid Alzheimer's Caregiver, quit my Banking Position of 25 years to do the selfless act, and do my best to care for and learn about Alzheimer's Disease, through to the end, when my mother quietly faded in February 20, 2014.
At the end of 10 years, I was very burned out, and did only wish at that time, I had stopped to take some phone numbers down to help myself. I don't know with a full time job and children, really how you can give 100% to anything. The person you need to focus on is you. You have given your all to your mother, your children, what about you? I can only imagine how you feel! We never know fully what one is going through. Remember, you are only one person. OUR CARGIVING FOR FAMILIES, AND OTHERS IS AT A CRISIS LEVEL BECAUSE THERE WILL ONLY BE MORE PEOPLE THAT NEED ASSISTANCE AROUND. This includes Caregivers to people that they reach out to as well as loving family members.
Woman are the main caregivers to people. Yes, men I have the utmost respect for all of you out there, but this is for her.
Give yourself permission to relax. Allow yourself to not go one or two times a week. Say mom, I need to do this, I will be there xyz date and time. If she is in assisted living, I realize the positives and negatives, but you need to take time for you. Where do you live? Meaning what city and state?
Long-term day in and out stress of any kind, including caregiver stress can lead to light to severe health problems. For me, I almost died, and that was my wake up call in October of 2014, month's after her death. I am not trying to scare you, but when I started this loving venture, I was healthy as a horse. Now, after I have taken 5 years, to focus on being mindful, self focused, and that does not mean selfish, I am selfless, I have chosen with great success to do this again, and with the tools I learned, as a professional, it is going very well. Every day is different. YOU ARE LOVED!
Find Caregiving resources in your community to help you.
Senior Center's have a list of volunteers that can do the shopping.
Ask for and accept help - Make a list of ways others can help you. Let helpers choose what they would like to do. Someone might sit with her, or run an errand, and another might do the groceries.
Join a support group for caregivers. - pick up caregiving tips, and get support from others who face the same challenges as you do.
For more information about caregiver stress, call the OWH Helpline at 1-800-994-9662 or contact the following organizations:
Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS), HHS
Phone Number: 800-633-4227
Eldercare Locator, Administration on Aging, HHS
Phone Number: 800-677-1116
National Institute on Aging (NIA), NIH, HHS
Phone Number: 800-222-2225
Family Caregiver Alliance(link is external)
God Bless, and let me know how you are doing and what State you live in.
I have alot of resources to assist.
What was your Mom like before all of this? Did she need/want you to visit as often before? Maybe she does not need to see you so often. I ask because I spent more time with my Mom since the stroke that in the last 10 years as she was independant and liked her space and quit/alone time. So it was me that chose to be there with her so often and many times she told me it was ok for me to go! So I've rambled on.
It's all very personal. While making your Mom comfortable, get your 'me' time in, even short meditations (I know, easier said than done) and find/use all the assistance you can get, even friends to spend time with her. If you let her know why she will hopefully understand if your involvement/visit schedule changes, after all, I'm sure she wants the best for those grandbabies, too. I hope your brother is pitching in as much as he can, even in other ways, such as arranging for additional assistance; share your feelings with him if you haven't already. Feeling your vibe and wishing you, your Mom and family the best 💖
Brother used to go almost every day when dad was first put in, but I noticed he has burned out too. Don't feel guilty. You could also talk by phone instead of many of the visits. Your kids need you more.
What stuff does she need? I found out that asking for things all the time is just an excuse for trying to control you, trying to get you there! ignore most of her demands, because she's doing it because she's lonely.
If she's in AL, ask caregivers there to get her involved in activities, giving her other things to do. Ask brother to visit at least once a month.
My other two brothers live far away, so they never visit. Doesn't bother me as long as they keep quiet about his care and call him once in a while.
You need to put yourself and your kids first.
I understand you 100% on this. I truly love my mother, but my life is important, too, and so is yours.
It sounds like your mom should be in a nursing home due to her level of care, or maybe even have Hospice ordered, where she is, or in a nursing home.
You have reached that magic state when a Licensed Social Worker or a GOOD psychologist with some history of life him/herself can be invaluable, because you need now to sort out what you can and cannot do. The man who helps my bro most at his Assisted Living says that guilt is what they deal with all day long. The guilt of loving families, and the more loving, the more guilt. And how sad it is to know families have to go through it.
You are only one person. You need to sit down the immediate family at home and ask what burdens they can help with and remove as well.
So sorry you are going through this.