Just so tired of caring for my mom- and feeling like an awful daughter :(

First of all, stop letting those people who tell you how “lucky“ you are get to you. Just fix them with a sympathetic look that says how sorry you are that they are so clueless.

Consider skilled nursing for your mother. With her chronic and severe health problems, she is beyond assisted living. She needs supervised medical care. This should cut down on her hospital visits. If she is in skilled nursing, you will not have to do so much for her.

Do you you really need to run there 4-5 times a week to drop things off and visit? Can you just collect these things and drop them off once or twice a week? What needs does she have that you need to shop for weekly? What bills does she have that you have to manage? You can ask her to cut down on the Amazon orders too, or have them sent directly to the facility. If she has a small room, chances are she will not have space for these things. Take a good look at what you need to do for her versus what she expects you to do. There may be things you can let go. Since she is in AL, there shouldn’t be that much you need to do. Rely on what they provide for her rather than what she might expect you to provide.

You can always call a Care Conference and speak with the staff at the AL for their suggestions.

I would consider if she is somewhere that can meet her needs. If so, then there would be no need for so many visits. I might figure out what is reasonable and works into your schedule. You can get automatic draft to pay her bills and have things she needs ordered online and shipped to the facility. That way your time can be focused on pleasant visits with her and not manual work. If I were doing so much to help my LO, I'd be proud and happy about it, not feeling bad.

Know the feeling. It’s extremely frustrating and exhausting! Hugs!

I stopped talking to a friend that constantly made that same remark to me, saying how lucky I was! How about them saying how lucky our moms are to have us, right?

I agree with you totally about being burned out and not wanting to hear friends and relatives tell you to be glad you still have her with you! They obviously have never been in your shoes and don't know what the heck they are talking about! It's the most challenging job I can think of as I take care of my 93 year old mother 24/7 in a small shared apartment and I feel your pain and resentment. My brother is a real son of a you know what as he has abandoned both me and my mother. He has left me here to watch her slowly pass away and is so selfish of him and as you mentioned your brother, it sounds like you and I are rowing a similar boat! You will find some great advice here on this forum and most caregivers here understand and will help you muster up the strength to find resources and great support and encouragement. I have wanted to just run away and call my brother and tell him to come and get her because I cannot do this another day. (have been doing this for almost 10 years now and have hit rock bottom twice). Please don't allow yourself to get to that point. Do you have the means to hire someone who could do some of those things for you? In my city, Senior Services provides free rides for seniors to medical appointments, companion care, and meals on wheels. I just hired 2 wonderful caregivers from Catholic Charities who will watch over my mother for $8.00 an hour which is extremely inexpensive compared to an agency where you will pay three times as much for both caregiver and a fee to the company. Good luck and I hope you find what you need here.

Thank you! So wonderful to hear from others who ‘get it’. I was only going to visit once every week or so when she was at the assisted living place because I had to step back and take a break. But she’s been really sick these past few weeks and was in the hospital and then at rehab it was getting the cable set up, bring her clothes and toiletries she needs but kept remembering more things each day, doing her laundry, checking in on her rehab progress, trying to catch the Dr, meeting either the team for a care plan. She’s sad and lonely in this place and I just feel bad. But at the same time resentful because I’m tired and have a million things on my plate.

Everyone is right. Why are you visiting so often? My father ends up in rehab 2-3 times a year. I bring him clothing once then I let rehab do what they are there to do. No more visits. At assisted living I visit once every three weeks. His bills are sent directly to my house. They supply most everything so I don’t need to be running weekly errands. What could you mother possibly need that you have to make more than one weekly visit? You don’t need to be doing her laundry they will do that. If you are visiting all the time your mother will not try to meet others as you are her source of entertainment. If she chooses not to that is on her. You can’t be responsible for her happiness only she can.

All I can tell you is to hang in there. I am dealing with (somewhat) the same issue. My mom was diagnosed with dementia several years ago. I am her primary caregiver and the only girl out of six children with 2 siblings dealing with major health issues themselves. I'm at mom's house 7 days a week at least 6 hours out of each day. One brother comes in once every 7 weeks or so and is not heard from for at least another 7 weeks once he returns home. They (brothers) rarely ask about or even call mom anymore. They talk about all the things they do (ie, the walks they take each day, yoga) without thinking about the fact that I don't have that leisure (neither do they really care).

I retired 1 year ago and I now work much harder than I've ever worked in my life. No one was willing to give up their lives or lifestyle in order to take on this challenge. And I stress, "CHALLENGE."
We have a couple of ladies who comes in a few times per week but when they decide not to work I'm with mom as long as 15 hours. This is a fluid situation and sounds like yours is as well. I

If you don't get respite your anguish (from tiredness) will be placed on something or someone else.

I will say that you must have time away from your situation. There may programs in your area to give you respite, or if you have friends who are willing to step in and give you a break allow them to do so. One thing for sure is you need time away.

Hi there and thank you for you for sharing. One cannot simply put a person into a skilled bed...they are meant to be temporary for various reasons. Anyway....stop visiting her so much. Your guilt is killing you and putting a great strain on your famly. I would set 2 days a month to go visit. I'm sure the facility has a computer whre skype or face time is permitted...start this say once a week on the same day and time. Other than that you can call her or the staff to find out what's going on. Your brother is an ass. He absolutley could visit but chooses not to. I'm sure you're aware that in most cases, it is only one sibling that takes on the burden of duties related to such a situaion. Also, join a local group in your area if there is one for caregivers or a walking group. Take time for you. She is by no means alone. Those places are suppose to have activities and plans for thier residents. Good luck to you and stop feeling guilty. Meditate or prayer is great for the mind. You eating right, exercsing and geting enough sleep is wihtout question key for your mental health. She is going to pass on one day as all of us are. :etting her live her life out is by no means mean...if she's in a good facility she should be well taken care of.

Suppose you were to visit her and drop things off once or twice a week, instead of the four to five times? Plus, of course, be available for genuine emergencies, phone consultations, thinking, planning, booking appointments, noting reminders, communicating with everyone, all of the other things that go into being your mother's primary support system...

Would it *really* be evil of you not to run yourself ragged getting over there virtually every day?

While I was caring for my mother at home, my cousin was caring for her mother who had advanced Parkinson's and was (after many years' resistance) in a good nursing home. I never felt that my cousin worked less hard, worried less or did less for her mother than I did. Surely you're entitled to judge what is reasonable and feasible for you?

You work full time and have 3 kids, so that is your priority. You and your life are number one. Let the ALF care for your mother and do what they are getting paid to do. I totally get where you are coming from. Being sad, tired, and feeling like your parent's long slow decline will kill you emotionally and physically might be a warning sign. Step back. If you see your mother needs things, make notes and visit once per week and address all items at that time. If something else pops up, address it at the next week's visit. Your energy and time should be spent on your life and if you have a spouse or significant other, you deserve to nourish that relationship. Caring for an elderly parent can suck the life force out of you, but you can put a boundary around it to preserve your life and sanity.

Maybe its time for LTC. All Moms needs will be met. They supply everything, diapers, toothpaste, shampoo, soap. They will do laundry. If Mom is private pay then you will need to continue with her finances. When money is running out, you can switch over to Medicaid. Then make the LTC payee to SS and any pension. At the time Medicaid takes over, you will not be able to pay bills because there will be no money.

While she is in rehab, have her evaluated for LTC. This would be the time to change her over. There comes a time when an AL is not enough.

Well Full Circle,

In your growing up, I hope you had a loving mother. One that stayed up with you through all your sickness, trials and tribulations. And how many of you were there for her to raise?

The one thing I know about a loving mother is they would never say "I'm tired of
taking care of this child".

Care for your mother by pouring all the love she gave you back into her.

Fullcircle, my heart breaks for you. You have WAYYY too much on your plate. I did not hear anything that you do for yourself to refocus and give yourself time to emotionally recharge. This is physically, emotionally draining caring for a parent + full time work + kids sporting events = burnout BIG TIME!
Take a day off for YOU. I hope you are doing that. Your Mom seems to be cared for at the facility maybe cut back on some things from weekly to every two weeks. You are an AMAZING Mom, Daughter and employee for juggling all of this, you are a warrior!! God Bless and sending you hugs for some peace and calm in your life since you need that for you :)

Others have said it. Can you cut the 4-5 times a week to 1-2? Or 2-3? That would be several hours per week you'd get back when you can do self-care things. Your mom is safe and being well cared for. Unless I missed something in your post, she shouldn't require you to be there almost every day. She might WANT you, but it's not a requirement. Mints and pens are not an emergency.

If you're worried she'll get bored if you're not there so much, see if the facility she's in has activities or volunteers who will visit with her.

Of course you're exhausted. Give yourself a break; you and your family will be healthier for it.

My father died 16 years ago in a freak accident and while I was completely devastated I thank god all the time for taking him the way HE wanted to go - active and busy till the second he left this earth. I hate that he has missed so much of my life but he lived every day he had to the fullest.

interestingly enough, my mother is following the path she wants to go down - slow and steady Decline. This is just so much harder.

You need to make some time for you and your family. You are giving a lot of time to your mother in an assisted living facility, probably far more that you actually need to. Because you make so many visits you may possibly be stopping her from getting to know other people because she doesn't need to, one never knows. If you added up the people in your life, SO, Children, Mother and divided the 7 days of the week between them how many days would each get? Its not really fair to give mother far more than your children you have responsibilities toward them as the parent, not the other way. Get her to make list of things she wants you to do when you see her, but cut the visits down to twice a week and have the carers in the ALF get her doing some social activities.

Put her Somewhere she can Get Good Care...It will Wear You Out......God Bless you.

Can't your children help out too? Otherwise nursing home if assisted living can't fulfill her needs.

I am in a similar situation. If your mom has resources to pay, use them and put yourself first. Burnout is real. Talk to an elder lawyer if you haven’t about the finances and a geriatric care manager to manage. It is well worth it.

I totally get what you are saying. And friends who say that don’t understand quality of life of your mom or of your's. They just don’t get it! So brush off those comments.
if your mom's COPD is that severe your doctor should order hospice for her. And perhaps it’s time to consider a long term care as opposed to AL. That way she may not need hospital quite so frequently.
I'm sure others have said it, but with her in a facility, you don’t need to visit so often. I cut my visits to my dad down so I could keep my sanity and I’m retired without kids!! You work and have kids too. So you need to reorder priorities. You can’t enjoy your mom if you are feeling resentful. And you feel resentful because you are on overload. Cut back to once a week and fit it in on your timetable. And make the visits short if need be. But remember, she is getting care and has eyes on her.
And by the way, you are a GOOD daughter so lose the judgement. Your brother could visit at least once a month. His drive isn’t that far away. And can he do some of the financial aspect of care?

Hello FullCircle,

I was just reading an article and I will never say to you
"just be glad to have your mother still on this earth" That feels very cruel to tell you and I am sorry that was said. You are reaching out to us for help. I saw a great article, and am rarely a person that responds but would like to:
The Atlantic.com Business Section THE CRISIS FACING AMERICA'S WORKING DAUGHTERS: Women with aging parents are unseen and widely ignored. They can read all day and all night about the many stresses of working motherhood including pregnancy discrimination, the wage gap, the mommy wars, leaning in, and opting out, but there is very little out there to assist between their careers and the needs of their aging parents. 44 million unpaid eldercare/full time working men and women (over 90% are women) Women lose an average of $324,004 in compensation due to caregiving.

What I want to tell you is this. I am a professional caregiver, once volunteered to be my mothers unpaid Alzheimer's Caregiver, quit my Banking Position of 25 years to do the selfless act, and do my best to care for and learn about Alzheimer's Disease, through to the end, when my mother quietly faded in February 20, 2014.

At the end of 10 years, I was very burned out, and did only wish at that time, I had stopped to take some phone numbers down to help myself. I don't know with a full time job and children, really how you can give 100% to anything. The person you need to focus on is you. You have given your all to your mother, your children, what about you? I can only imagine how you feel! We never know fully what one is going through. Remember, you are only one person. OUR CARGIVING FOR FAMILIES, AND OTHERS IS AT A CRISIS LEVEL BECAUSE THERE WILL ONLY BE MORE PEOPLE THAT NEED ASSISTANCE AROUND. This includes Caregivers to people that they reach out to as well as loving family members.

Woman are the main caregivers to people. Yes, men I have the utmost respect for all of you out there, but this is for her.
Give yourself permission to relax. Allow yourself to not go one or two times a week. Say mom, I need to do this, I will be there xyz date and time. If she is in assisted living, I realize the positives and negatives, but you need to take time for you. Where do you live? Meaning what city and state?
Long-term day in and out stress of any kind, including caregiver stress can lead to light to severe health problems. For me, I almost died, and that was my wake up call in October of 2014, month's after her death. I am not trying to scare you, but when I started this loving venture, I was healthy as a horse. Now, after I have taken 5 years, to focus on being mindful, self focused, and that does not mean selfish, I am selfless, I have chosen with great success to do this again, and with the tools I learned, as a professional, it is going very well. Every day is different. YOU ARE LOVED!

Find Caregiving resources in your community to help you.
Senior Center's have a list of volunteers that can do the shopping.
Ask for and accept help - Make a list of ways others can help you. Let helpers choose what they would like to do. Someone might sit with her, or run an errand, and another might do the groceries.
Join a support group for caregivers. - pick up caregiving tips, and get support from others who face the same challenges as you do.

For more information about caregiver stress, call the OWH Helpline at 1-800-994-9662 or contact the following organizations:
Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS), HHS
Phone Number: 800-633-4227
Eldercare Locator, Administration on Aging, HHS
Phone Number: 800-677-1116
National Institute on Aging (NIA), NIH, HHS
Phone Number: 800-222-2225
Family Caregiver Alliance(link is external)

God Bless, and let me know how you are doing and what State you live in.
I have alot of resources to assist.

I feel the same way I take care of my mom and step father she is 94 and he is 91 my mom lost her legs 10years ago and they have lived with me since .And he also has Copd. I do it all this group has help just by reading your stories makes me feel like I'm not alone .

I understand sweetheart. I put my mom in the nursing home by doctor's orders 1 week ago. It killed me to do that. Everyone keeps telling me I did the right thing. You have to do what is best for you and your family.

Your situation sounds tough. Though I cannot totally empathize with you due to my kids being grown up and on thier own, I can understand how you're feeling. First, is there any situation that would allow her to come live with your family and have home health assistance or a senior companion to relieve you? My Mom just moved in with me Saturday after a severe stroke three months ago. I ended her apt lease, sold/stored belongings. I saw her every day, sometimes twice a day. I am an over advocate and that in itself is mentally draining! Now even I am feeling a bit overwhelmed, physically and emotionally and have not even figured out when to get back to my workouts. I'm sure a schedule will pan out.
What was your Mom like before all of this? Did she need/want you to visit as often before? Maybe she does not need to see you so often. I ask because I spent more time with my Mom since the stroke that in the last 10 years as she was independant and liked her space and quit/alone time. So it was me that chose to be there with her so often and many times she told me it was ok for me to go! So I've rambled on.
It's all very personal. While making your Mom comfortable, get your 'me' time in, even short meditations (I know, easier said than done) and find/use all the assistance you can get, even friends to spend time with her. If you let her know why she will hopefully understand if your involvement/visit schedule changes, after all, I'm sure she wants the best for those grandbabies, too. I hope your brother is pitching in as much as he can, even in other ways, such as arranging for additional assistance; share your feelings with him if you haven't already. Feeling your vibe and wishing you, your Mom and family the best 💖

I can only stand to visit my dad in a nursing home once or twice a week. Most weeks it's once. It's an all afternoon thing, since I live rural 45 minutes away each way. I hear the same stories and same complaints every visit, so I try to visit on days where I can do other errands in town because of the time just getting there. Luckily I have a brother that visits once or twice a week too. So we go on different days. I don't stay long, 30 minutes at most, because it's always the same thing since his mind is slipping badly now.

Brother used to go almost every day when dad was first put in, but I noticed he has burned out too. Don't feel guilty. You could also talk by phone instead of many of the visits. Your kids need you more.

What stuff does she need? I found out that asking for things all the time is just an excuse for trying to control you, trying to get you there! ignore most of her demands, because she's doing it because she's lonely.

If she's in AL, ask caregivers there to get her involved in activities, giving her other things to do. Ask brother to visit at least once a month.
My other two brothers live far away, so they never visit. Doesn't bother me as long as they keep quiet about his care and call him once in a while.
You need to put yourself and your kids first.

Please don't feel this way I feel like this a lot there is days when I feel like stress from caring for my mom is squeezing everything in me out I have finally decided that I have to get some thearpy to help me thru this I have to have some help on how to cope with this I have been responsible for my mom since I was 15 if my wonderful husband didn't help me I don't think I could make have 2 brothers who doesn't turn their sorry hands for anything I am seeing a physoclogist today you are not alone in feeling the way you do

" and if I have one more person tell me I should just be glad to have my mother still on this earth - I’m going to lose my mind. "

I understand you 100% on this. I truly love my mother, but my life is important, too, and so is yours.

It sounds like your mom should be in a nursing home due to her level of care, or maybe even have Hospice ordered, where she is, or in a nursing home.

Hi Full Circle: I feel your pain. My parents lived on an acre of land and we lived on their property for 8 years. A year after mom died from lung cancer in 1997, we moved closer to my husbands job. He commuted for 6 years 70 miles one way. It was wonderful to live a mile from his job. So we started going "back down" to dad's once a month to do the yard and house. My older brother moved into the mobile home we lived in but yard work was not his thing. Oh, sometimes he'd get a bug and get his kids to help clean up the property (60 trees, about 20 of them fruit; lots of work). Fast forward to 2012 both brothers died and dad already had the memory loss beginning. For the past 7 years we have been driving back to dad's every other weekend. The mobile home became a rental and with dad's memory loss it became my responsibility (along with another rental he owned). Cooking, cleaning, yard work, renters, his dr appointments, hiring/firing caregivers, all his bills to keep up on, etc. all of it. Both my husband and I are worn out. Literally. Arthritis in hands and hips and back causing daily pain. My daughter and her family moved in with dad 3/18 so that has been a big help but also more complaints to deal with. I am looking for a way to get dad into a assisted living facility but then it will cost so much. I only have so much of his money left for his care and then I have to sell the house. It is in bad shape too. Lots of repairs needed because dad never wanted to hire help since he was a carpenter and "would do it himself". So, don't feel bad that you want it to be easier and the burden to be lighter. You are not alone, I feel the same way. Dad has bone on bone in his left knee but because of his drinking was not able to have surgery. He has poor circulation and has vascular dementia. Idk how long he has to live and feel guilty that I want this "job" to end. Yes, I love him even though he says things very hurtful and I don't want him to die but this is very old. My suggestion for you (and me) is to take some time for yourself and try to have some fun. I wish I had done that more over the past 22 years. God bless you for being there for your mom as you have been.

I understand how you feel and how TIRED you are. Simple advice from a devoted daughter who has been there: immediately take a rest. Take a week off from seeing your mom. Get some extra sleep. Try to do something good for yourself. It’s not being selfish. It’s being self-protective. You’ll feel better. And then go back to your caregiving. This will come to an end. When you look back years from now, you’ll be happy that you always did the right thing. You won’t have regrets. And you’ll remember the happier days when your mom was more independent. My mom passed two years ago. I’m starting to forget the difficult days....and think more of the days when she and my dad were here enjoying life together. And I’m reminded that they are together again......

I hope you are not having a lot of that "Lucky to have your mother still with you" from this forum. I don't see a lot of it. Truth is that the end of life is the end of life, and when it is torment it is torment to both the person we love suffering, and to ourselves. My brother has expressed to me so many times that death would be preferrable. I love him so much, but I wish for his release. I cannot believe many others don't feel the same.
You have reached that magic state when a Licensed Social Worker or a GOOD psychologist with some history of life him/herself can be invaluable, because you need now to sort out what you can and cannot do. The man who helps my bro most at his Assisted Living says that guilt is what they deal with all day long. The guilt of loving families, and the more loving, the more guilt. And how sad it is to know families have to go through it.
You are only one person. You need to sit down the immediate family at home and ask what burdens they can help with and remove as well.
So sorry you are going through this.