Hi all - new to this forum, a friend told me about it.
I do not take care of my mom full time but I am the only child who lives in town (52, have two older sisters who live out of state). You can see where this is going. Mom has lovely caretakers that come in a few times a week but she is constantly cutting their hours down in an effort to "save money." I manage her finances, she's doing just fine, but it's not an argument to try and win.
Her caretakers keep an eye on her, keep her safe, help her with things she cannot safely do - and she can still do quite a lot. But when it comes to the things she can't do, she talks to me about it as though it's my fault she can't do them. She's 86.
Today, she kept saying "I have no choice, I have no choice," about things she needed me to do for her, instead of herself, and I guess I poked the bear and told her, "Mom you still have a lot of choices." She scorched me like a barbecue. So, naturally I said that was my cue to leave. And I do leave. I do not put up with verbal, emotional abuse in any form, her mind isn't like it used to be but it is not totally GONE.
And I come home emotionally exhausted even after a short visit. I visit when I can, but not daily. She tries very hard to get me to come over daily. One time it was so I could rearrange the massive hoard of stuff on her dresser, something I said the caregiver would be glad to help her do and again, meltdown of the year. "Gotta go, talk to you tomorrow."
I know many do it because they feel safe doing this with family, but aside from strict boundary setting is there anything more I can do? She has her moments but she is mostly sound minded, the lashing out just never ends.
After that extremely generous task, do your own thing. Feel no guilt. Take no crap.
You have been so responsive to our questions and our suggestions.
I have more understanding now that your Mom is failing. She is going to need placement. As this will likely be against her will in the end I would not attempt to be POA/guardian or conservator for her. I would in fact go a long way to get APS involved with her and to get her correctly assessed if possible. Otherwise I would walk away. You didn't create this and it is for certain you cannot fix it.
Consider a licensed social worker in private practice in counseling. You are deeply and tightly enmeshed with your mother at this point. It will not help either of you. It all needs to be combed out and community resources brought in. Even if this in the end is not possible, there is nothing you can do for your Mom. You may need to leave her with the 911 number and try to get on with your own life. You will otherwise end up the "whipping boy" for her. If you don't understand what that is, look it up, for it is interesting in our history. It's the slave who took all the punishment for the bad deeds of the little rich kids.
Anyone can have an ‘off day’ but you’re not dealing with a person who is experiencing a ‘bad’ day that will soon be returning a pleasant person.
I would push for assisted living since she can afford it. You’re not interested in becoming her full time caregiver. I don’t blame you. You deserve to live your own life.
Be honest with her and tell her that you have thought over her situation and that you feel that it is necessary for her to live in assisted living where she will have a staff to look after her.
Then you can visit her totally on your terms knowing that she will not be alone. You will have peace of mind knowing that she is in the capable hands.
She may not agree with you but if you make it crystal clear that you aren’t going to be available every single time that she ‘needs’ you, she may be more willing.
My cousins had to do this with their dad. He insisted that they do this and that more frequently. He truly did need help but refused to go into a facility.
He ended up with a UTI and sepsis. He still didn’t want to go into a facility.
He wanted to hire caregivers. My cousins told him that he couldn’t afford private caregivers and that he had to go into a facility.
He finally agreed because my cousins refused to take off from work over and over and he adjusted very well in his facility.
Don’t offer this as a ‘choice’ to her. Say that you aren’t willing to be the person that she is relying upon for all of her needs.
Best wishes to you and your mom.
My siblings thought I was wrong when I said my mother could not live alone anymore . That’s because my siblings were not the ones getting Mom’s phone calls for every little thing, I was .
You can try calling your local dept of aging . A social worker from there came out and spoke to my mother ( I was not there , they preferred it that way) . The social worker showed up to my mother’s home without my mother knowing they were coming. I still don’t know how the social worker convinced my mother to let her in the house. The social worker spoke to mom , giving her hypothetical emergency and non emergency situations and asked mom what she would do in those situations . Mom was not able to come up with plans , therefore the social worker said Mom needed 24/7 supervision to be safe so she went to AL .
My mother of course was livid , was horrible to me , so I would leave and cut back my visits . Mom complained to her sister that I wasn’t visiting often enough . My aunt would tell my mom that if she was nicer she would get more visits .
Has your mother always been like that? If you can see a long term pattern, it might help you to get over the hurt that comes each time. Perhaps you say “I’m sure you will have forgotten this, next time you decide to be nice, so I’ll take no notice now”.
Please read up on Narcissism. Also Fear, Obligation and Guilt (i.e., F.O.G.)
You need to decide how much and what you are willing to do and make sure she outsources the rest, on her dime.
Unfortunately, you need to step back and let the natural consequences occur and go from there.
Cooperative elders get better care than do stubborn ones.
I had to go over there tonight after work (it was a household issue, no big deal) and she seemed put off that I didn't stay very long. Sorry, been working since 6:30 this morning, my pajamas are calling.
She has always looked to us girls to be her source of entertainment, health care, housekeeping, the list goes on. Love is "taking care of my needs," not what it should be.
Her anger at all of us - me mostly - can be what it is.
I thank you all for your very helpful comments. Common sense and dealing with her for as long as I have has kept it in perspective, sometimes I just need to get it out into the atmosphere to get insight. I am well aware that aging, and aging badly, is a scary, frightening, depressing thing to face. I just wish magically she'd "get it" and realize she's not helping her cause by scorching the earth behind her. Or in front of her. One of the two.
I remember I couldn't stay long one other time and she said, "well I can tell how you feel about me."
"Well, I'm sorry you feel that way." One of her TRADEMARK sayings when us girls were growing up.
Boy did that go over like a (fill in the blank).
Once a dementia diagnosis is established, IT’S THERE, and “decline” (actually and inexorably- DETERIORATION) becomes part of every activity between you and her.
Unless she ALWAYS, since your childhood, has blamed you for all of the troubles in your world, she is functioning within her own deteriorating judgement and “filters”.
It isn’t good for either of you to regard her tirades as her rightful, factual way of expressing herself. That being the case, you need to disregard them. She is NOT “….mostly sound minded.” She is in the early stages of the dementia process.
Dementia is quixotic as well- you are still thinking that she is sometimes functioning within the realm of rational thought BUT SHE ISN’T.
Your job/responsibility/involvement is to establish a system of SAFE, SUPERVISED CARE. If you have done so, it is NOT your responsibility to listen to her “stuff”.
”Yes”, to “walking out, walking away, establishing distance/silence”. These are legitimate responses to her illness.
”No”, to wasting YOUR time, attempting to find gentler, simpler methods to manage her behavior. Time May return some of her previous social positivity, but it won’t happen because of what you do or don’t do.
If she is still safe with the help of aides, you are Blessed.
Visit if and when comfortable FOR YOU, and when not, tell her you love her and you’ll see her again soon, AND WALK AWAY.
Have you started looking at Assisted Living facilities?
Beatty likes to say that caregiving only works when it works for BOTH parties. Is this situation working for you? Can you visit with a happy heart, because you want to see your mom? And help her with some of the stuff she can't do any longer?
I was okay visiting my mom once a week, setting up her pills, taking her shopping and for a haircut. Helping with getting out her summer clothes from closets.
BUT snow and leaf removal, regular grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry? Those need to be done by folks you pay, or you can't live in your isolated suburban home any longer.
AND as "emergency" calls got more frequent, I said "nope, not doing this anymore".
My mom also had "mild" cognitive issues, but what that meant was that she could no longer plan and execute--leading to panic--and couldn't see the impact that her panicky calls were having on the rest of us.
You ARE allowed to say "no" to your mother.
What is her vision issue? Does she need cataract surgery?
Psychiatry or psychology is an absolute NO from her. I've told her it would be good to see 'where you are' as far as her cognition, even from a mental health standpoint. That was the hollering match of the year.
Assisted living is also out of the question, until of course, the issue is forced. I told her that if she refuses care at her house, that will be on the table. I crunched the numbers, the caretakers and their hours monthly are NO MATCH for AL, and she is still in her own house. She doesn't quite believe that it's cheaper but again, not the hill as they say...
Her cognitive issues are also planning and execution. "I'll take care of all this," she said one day, then suddenly screaming at me telling me, "I cant' do THIS." It's a never ending loop.
If you are coming home emotionally exhausted, you are doing too much. How can you start backing off now?
What do your older sisters think of all of this? How often do they visit your mother?
If I do need them they are there but I think they're hoping that phone won't ring, or will dodge it if it does.
I have backed off quite a bit lately, I have a full time job and life of my own. Occasionally she remembers that. Occasionally it doesn't matter.
When you put up with such behavior, you're telling her she has a free pass to treat you like dirt and the strangers like royalty. If she keeps it up, she can use ALL of her money to hire the strangers bc you dont deserve to be treated badly by a loved one. Certainly not while you're there to help her, for petesake !😑
My mother was identical and this was my strategy for dealing with her mouth.
That's not all that uncommon in situations like yours. I've read on this site that the ones needing care should be the ones to sacrifice or compromise or whatever, but they expect US to do that. And we shouldn't. What gives her the right to be catered to constantly, to make decisions that affect you (such as cutting down her caregivers' hours and expecting you to take up the slack)? To blame you for her decline? That's nuts.
Good for you for standing up for yourself. Keep standing up to her, and remember, SHE should compromise. Not you.
Good luck!
on weekends & public holidays.. hmm. I began to question the care agency.
Multiple reasons were found. Some error, some misunderstandings, some lack of communication ability but also manipulation.
LO was sometimes cancelling. Why? To save money.
Or a carer cancelled & the agency couldn't find a replacement. LO said family would do instead.
Or agency COULD find a replacement but LO said no, as didn't want a stranger/new person.
This has been rectified somewhat.
No caregiver = call your agency. Not me.
I think of it like this now:
If missing a daily carergiver is merely an inconvenience, the laundry waits a day, a delayed shopping trip - OK.
But if missing a daily carer is essential, to take medicine or eat. Not OK. Needs may be getting too high for home.
My LO is somewhere in the middle. Will be unwashed, undressed but can eat. Not ideal but not really dangerous.
I still feel angry that saving money for them was fine but MY time & labour was seen as no value. As 'free'. Anger was good though in hindsight. It moved me to stand up for myself.
My mom is 80 and in assisted living after living with me and hubby for 7 years. She has mild/moderate dementia (depending on the moment). It's a challenge and very sad as they lose their short term memory and ability to plan and initiate and such and so. At least that's our journey.
Dealing with dementia daily, I always wonder if symptoms being described are indicative of some level of cognitive decline. Your mom having meltdowns, you doing her finances, already have caregivers (woohoo!) and her age, make me wonder if that's a player in mom's behavior. For someone to have dementia does not mean their minds are totally gone. It's, at least for my mom, a slow and steady decline. Some moments of amazing clarity, many that leave you scratching your head.
Did mom willing give up handling her finances? That's good that you're doing it. Do you already have POA in place for if/when she does become mentally incompetent.
I like Alva's idea of talking to her about her behavior towards you. I would say that you are considering visiting less and less due to her lashing out at you. It is not kind or enjoyable. And that you are already coming as often as you are comfortable with. Many things like this do nothing to make our parents happy but that's really not our prime concern at this point. Safety is. I would also do what you can to not let her cut the aides hours. It sounds like she benefits from their help and if they do less she will push you to do more. No thanks, mom. Let the aides do it.
Best of luck!
Mostly I do these things for her like finances and appointments because she can't see. She constantly drones on about needing glasses, but "I don't want to bother you to take me." Get a bigger magnifier then, I said. Ridiculous excuse.
I have all the legal paperwork locked down. There's no way I would be doing any of this if I hadn't.
My mom has been a 'victim' to a lot of things over the years. I'll never forget her saying many years ago, "Who's gonna take care of ME?" Gee I don't know all those years of rage and outbursts and hateful things she said over the years let's draw straws.
She said today that my making life better for her was not my issue, and I'm going to hold her to that. Whether she remembers saying it or not. I think I harbor a resentment that all these hurtful things and outbursts and rage just never seem to bother her in the slightest and she just sails through life doing it. I stood up to her today and she didn't like it, so she's called me about 6 times since I got home. 6 voicemails of course.
I really had hoped for better in her later years. That's what makes me sad, I think. A mellowing out of all her tantrums, or a happier mindset, but it only got worse.
This tug of war. This control game people losiing their independance start. Pull pull pulling you in.. into their life. So you can live their life with them. You become their arms & legs, the able limbed part of one being. You become the part who can speak clearly on the phone, deal with bills, groceries, medical appointments.
I picture it like circles. At present you have your life circle. Mom has hers. You join up sometimes to visit, do stuff together. Then you separate again.
But with too much pull, you become one circle. Some people allow or even choose to be absorbed! Become martyrs. Live their elder's life (or disabled LO's life) as their own shrinks & withers.
You can see it.
You can feel it.
Yes boundaries are the defence. Strong boundaries.
"And I come home emotionally exhausted even after a short visit".
I call that an emotional hangover. I suffer them too.
Treatment that worked was LESS visits.
Bottom line is this: Mom needs stuff done. She is getting old & losing independance.
But she does NOT have the right to enslave you.
She has rights to receive care.
She does not get to insist it is done by you.
She may not understand.
Oh well. Let Tough Love & the Boundaries stage commence!
One visit a week is more than enough if she’s going to act like a toddler.
I honestly don't believe in hiding the truth. If she can't understand that, then I would not increase, but rather decrease visits. As in training Pavlov's dogs or mice or whatever they were.
I think it's irrelevant how she treats others because the sad truth is that we OFTEN treat those who love us most and to whom we are closet, the worst. That holds for all periods of life whether we are 2 or 102. We are least inhibited by those we love.
If you don't argue, and meet things she says not with "you have a lot of choices" but with "I am so sorry, Mom" you don't negate what she says, you sympathize with (if not her reality) her perception. of her own reality.
I am 80. Aging is full of losses. Hair gets thin, hearing goes, and there goes the eyes,. You got whiskers but can't see to pluck them and the neck is stiff, the nails are cracking, the back is compressing. The skin's so fragile it sloughs off at a touch. I could go on down to the toes (ingrown nails), but sounds like you got enough with your OWN mom.
I am just saying don't depend on Mom for happiness. She isn't all that happy. Visit when you WANT to, not out of need. Be glad she has caregivers. This isn't to be improved so much as endured.
I sure do wish you the best. I sympathize with you.
I have endured quite a bit. I guess I haven't fully accepted that lashing out at me because of her age and losses, is part of this deal. I don't like it, but I guess it won't change. I hoped for a better relationship than that.