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A Durable POA signed in 2006 names my sister as POA for both of our parents. The document surfaced recently after Dad fell, and he and Mom were forced to move from independent to assisted living (November 2022) in their senior community.


Now, my sister, as POA, is preventing me from calling, visiting and even writing to our parents. She hasn't spoken to me in many years, and refuses to start now by discussing this.


I believe she is acting with deliberate malicious intent toward me and wonder if I have any recourse? It seems unfair that an individual, as Durable POA, can take such quick and aggressive action without having to document/prove a specific reason(s) for doing so.

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For a start, consider that she may be acting with protective intent towards herself - she can't stand the thought of encountering you - rather than malicious intent towards you - she's out to "punish" you.

But never mind that. You need to forget any idea that she is being unfair to you. I've no idea if she is or not, but the point is that it isn't the point. What matters is your parents' right to sustain their relationship with you, and to answer your actual question yes there is a lot that can be done about that. How did you get on with them before they moved and the DPOA came into play?

Google "contact rights for elders in Assisted Living" and see if you can find any guidance to the correct procedures in your area. If you don't have any luck, you can always call APS and ask them to point you in the right direction.
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caa39120 Dec 2022
You are very kind, and I so appreciate your reply. What matters here is my parents' right to maintain relationships with their adult children, each of whom they love very much. I will take your advice and look for specific guidance in their area regarding contact rights and Assisted Living. Sincere thanks again!
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Sorry sis is being so petty. I'm not sure what to do, but I'd make some phone calls. I have a sister that we purposefully have not had contact with in almost 20 years so I would be very tempted to block her since the last thing my mom would need is for her to show up at AL after all these years. But I'm assuming your situation is a mystery to you, so follow countrymouses ideas to get you started.

Good luck.
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Why is the POA activated? Are both your parents suddenly not competent at the same time?

If Sis won't even communicate her issue, you might pay an attorney to write a strongly-worded letter to her reminding her of her responsibilities and your parents' rights.
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caa39120 Dec 2022
Thank you for responding to my question. Mom has dementia, but still remembers family, especially her children and grandchildren--she even remembers the names of my pets. Dad is more forgetful now (following a fall, a hospital stay, a stint in rehab and a new apartment in assisted living) than he was two months ago, but can still focus/make decisions and does not have dementia (tested 2021 and 2022.)
That's what is most frustrating about this. Both parents are able to clearly state their wishes regarding communication with immediate family members, and would never request one of their children be "cut off" the way I have been. But the assisted living wing they're in blocks my calls and won't give Mom and Dad mail I've sent, claiming my sister, as POA, won't let Mom and Dad see ANY of their mail as it could be 'too stressful.' They continue to refer me to her for a resolution and won't get involved beyond that.
I will try the strongly worded letter tactic--that's good advice! Thank you again.
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I was in the same situation as you. While my mom was in her private residence there was nothing anyone could do short of me hiring a lawyer.

But once she went into a nursing home I contacted Alliance for Long Term Caregiving and they told the nursing home they had to let me see my mom. They found out my sibling was lying about all the things he said about me and let me visit with her.

Best of luck to you.
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caa39120 Dec 2022
Thank you for responding to my question. I am beside myself, and really miss my folks. I hadn't heard of the Alliance for Long term Caregiving but will google it this morning---

Many thanks again!
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Write out a list of dates, times, witnesses of your sister's refusals to allow you to see your mother. Be as thorough as you can be.

Then contact Social Services and file a complaint about her isolating your mother. They should investigate these offenses as elder abuse.

Good luck, caa39120.
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caa39120 Dec 2022
Yes, I thought to do that early on with numerous texts and emails, and was careful to keep my tone polite, open and respectful. The documentation is there, but I'm really, REALLY hoping my sister and I can come to a peaceful resolution rather than going to court! Many thanks for your response--
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caa39120,

Despite the exchange of 'yes they can' and 'no they can't' below (where LilMelba is actually right and Stacy122 is giving incorrect info), here's the real skivvy on POA and Guardianship authority; I was Mom's POA, now her court-appointed Guardian and Conservator (G&C).

I'm advised by an Elder Law attorney and was represented by the firm through the G&C process. I fully understand the legals in these 2 different functions regarding an elder.

A POA and MPOA has no legal authority to limit any family members from visiting unless the facility has massive documentation of harm to the resident or of the resident consistently refusing these visits. It should also be documented in the resident's plan of care (POC). If the POA is 'poisoning the well' and causing a divide then that is malicious interference and actually cause for removal as POA.

A Guardian is similarly obligated to act only in the best interests of the 'Ward' and can only refuse similarly well-documented cause for denying visits. A G&C has heightened authority and as long as acting in the resident's best interests, can most definitely limit the people allowed to visit.

I'd suggest that you make a call to the SNF head LSW and explain your situation, arrange a visit, and ask that staff document the response of your LO. You can ask the general question of whether anyone has told your LO that she/he shouldn't see you and have staff document the response. NO POA can limit your access. Period. Just make arrangements and comply with their masking, etc. policies.

A G&C can, with good cause, limit access bit cannot under any circumstances, cause estrangement or ill feelings that are then used as an excuse for these limits.

My situation: I've been my Mom's POA etc for 2 yrs and my toxic, NPD sib, from whom my surviving family had been estranged from for over 2 decades, had attempted a single visit to our mother in the 2 plus yrs that she'd been in the NH. Mom had survived Covid that took Dad, was ill, newly widowed, lonesome, lost everything of meaning in her life and that toxic sib tried one visit, was apparently sent packing by Mom. I never asked much about it because I knew Mom's feelings about her. The NPD was a subsequent no show, no notice for another arranged visit and Mom told staff that she never wanted to see that person ever again. I occ asked Mom if she had any changed sentiments and she always said the same: no contact. Didn't even read any cards that were sent to her (one or two).

This toxic NPD, having never asked me about Mom and telling me in an email to "Keep it to 2 sentences since that's all I read." and knowing that she was long ago disinherited, decided to make trouble and filed for a corporate G&C of Mom. I fought it and was appointed G&C. I now have the authority to stop her from ever visiting and upsetting Mom again, her and her family.

The fling she did was 17 pages and in it, she demanded one visit attempt with a court Visitor to observe said visit and report back to the court on it, allowing unlimited if it went well. That visit was attempted and Mom refused to see her, sent her packing again and was incredibly relieved when it was all over with. The Order reads that any further attempts have to be with my permission and based on Mom's level of distress and agitation, I'll not allow it. Mom simply wants her back out of her life.

That needless action cost my Mom's estate over 30k and counting. This sib had done the same to our brother's family after his sudden death in 2000; the reason that we all had zip to do with her. She just feels entitled to family estate monies and cannot abide being made irrelevant by being disinherited and not a POA of any kind in family estate planning. She's a 70 year old sicko and I would pity her only child if she were not also a greedy NPD. Both are disinherited by my folks.

So, I speak from experience in telling you that you have every right to visit your LO and no POA can block you.

Best -
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caa39120 Dec 2022
Thank you---this is helpful information!
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What Luta said.

There are too many misconceptions about POAs. I wish POAs came with a "what u can and can't do booklet." POAs are a tool not a control. It can't be used as a punishment to others. Your feelings about someone do not factor in. You are a representative. I feel that when asked a POA needs to be shown. How else do you know that someone holds POA or not. Actually, I think States should make it mandatory that they be filed at the County seat and made public. I also think Wills should be filed before death and made public after death. This way families at least know a Will is on file.

I have to agree, your parents have rights. And if they in any way can make it known they want to see their children, no one should be able to stop it. It may take a letter from a Lawyer stating the POA does not have the right to cut off communication from others unless it can be proven the person/people being cut off are detrimental to the wellbeing of the person. I do think, the Facility has a right to ban a visitor that causes problems. Its their facility, their right to protect other residents but not because a family member suggests it. These facilities have a Lawyer who should be very aware of the duties, responsibilities and limitations of a POA.
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I'm in NC and a standard POA does not give authority to the representative to dictate who can and cannot see/write/visit with the person. It only gives authority to make financial and/or medical decisions.

So it seems to me that unless the estrangement is written into the POA, your sister has no legal leg to stand on in keeping you from your mother.
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You may remember the famous case of Casey casem. Wife/POA refused to allow his kids access. There really is not much you can do outside of legal action. However after many years in business I believe there is nothing that can not be negotiated. The key is to open a dialog listen to reasons/ objections and find a solution. In the end if both parties are not really happy you have reached the best solution.
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If you have a clergy or other faith support you might try having them assist with some family intervention counseling.

If not, speak with the facility itself for their social worker or other case manager to assist with family meeting towards resolution.

If all of above fails or you choose to skip directly to this step, contact legal representation.

Different POA assignment are worded differently.

There are a lot of unknowns in what you present and are facing. Family dynamics are often riddled with grief that compounds in illness and decline.

The " POA" may have " issues" hindering her ability to appropriately represent parents.
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MaddieMae Dec 2022
My brother is a priest. They do spiritual counseling, not family counseling. They should go to a licensed counselor.
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Your sister is out of line acting as Gatekeeper for your parents welfare. What is her problem about ?? They are your parents as much as your sister's and Warrent Respect for contact and lovely visitation.

Go back to your parents' lawyer or whoever set up POA to add yourself to the documents and get your toxic, sinister sister removed so you can visit your parents. Perhaps also professional help and the county social worker is required.
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babsjvd Dec 2022
POA cannot be changed..
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You could go to court and speak with a Lawyer Of the Day . If your that concerned you could file Guardianship Papers . I think when Parents Name someone POA 16 years In advance They Must have favored her for some reason. Hiring a Lawyer can cost Thousands Of dollars . I would call your Ombudsman for the NH and Alliance for Long term caregiving . What Happens If you Just show up and see your Parents at their senior Home community ? A Lawyer could write a Letter to them stating you Have every right to see your parents . A POA Cant block you from seeing your Parents . Perhaps the Care facility Has a social worker On Call ? They usually they do or you speak with the Person in charge of the facility in person and express your concerns. You need to take more action and Not let a sociopath rule your world .
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Since your parents are in an assisted living facility, I can only assume that your sister is not there 24/7. Why can't you just go to the facility to visit your parents?

If they were in her home, I can see where she would have that kind of control over their visitors, but they are not living with her....they are in a facility. Just go to the facility.

Has your sister been taking care of your parents for a long time? What is her beef?
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I didn't finish my thought before pressing send....

Assisted Living facilities do not monitor or control your parents leaving or you visiting. Just stop trying to go through your sister to see them. Do you know which facility they are in?
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Speak to the director at the AL in person.. find out specifically why the won’t allow access…
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This doesn’t have to do w being a poa, she has a personal agenda against you and is weaponizing her poa to act out her hostility toward you not in best interest of your parent. Meet w lawyer asap to discuss removing her as poa and replacing with a NEUTRAL party who will responsibly handle poa w:o misusing for their personal agenda. Document btw - document times dates you called or wrote and she refused contact. You could also have ( in addition to the lawyer) a third party contact the sibling poa and request you to have contact w your own parent. If she refuses you can use them as a witness and get a signed affidavit from them w a notary public to serve as official sworn statement the poa is obstructing your parent from having contact w you. In fact if you can get more than one witness, bring these to the lawyer it will be strong to demonstrate she is not able to seperate her personal agenda against you from her duty as poa- get a neutral party to replace her
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We only have one side of the story here so I would not be quick to advise guardianship etc. The parents have a right to have visitors but they also have the right to refuse visitors. The person looking after them also has a duty to ensure safety and well-being of the persons in their care.
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ON! 2M ABR. SIO PLS.
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Jwhill Dec 2022
=. Oh No! Two more abbreviations. Spell it out, Please.
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I’m not sure of the POA’s rights and responsibilities in your state. However, if it were me, I would just go and visit my parents anyways. If legal action has to be taken, let the POA try. My guess is she would be unsuccessful.
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Talk to an elder atty. Perhaps some sort of 'visitation' could be ordered or created in a document similar to child visitation
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We were/are on the other end of this - there is a family member who does nothing but show up, cause trouble, irritate/frighten the staff, and upset the elderly lady being visited. Not saying that the OP is doing this, but just giving the viewpoint from my side with my key players. After one particularly upsetting outburst she had while visiting, I sought to have the person banned from visiting. I was raised to be proactive. I was told by the facility that I could not ban her because it's typically not done "unless the visitor is a sex offender or something like that". So I had to drop the subject and instead be reactive. I informed the staff that if visitor is causing trouble, they are to follow their procedures up to and including calling the police to have her removed.

That said, when I thought about it a while.... I realized that even if I did successfully get her "banned" from the facility. There would be basically nothing stopping her from walking in anyway. There is a sign in, but ID is not needed. She could sign in as literally anyone and walk right in. She could probably skip the sign in altogether as the front desk is usually a little chaotic. Plus, I can think of at least three aliases she uses (has ID for all of them?) and she changes her appearance often. She could easily get in. And, as long as she is cordial and does not call attention to herself, she would succeed in getting in and staying for a visit.

I know she does go to the facility periodically, but I have never run into her there. As long as she is not causing trouble, I have had to accept this. Maybe you could do the same? Just go visit, but keep a low profile?

One other idea would be maybe your sister would allow someone to accompany you on a visit to your mom? Someone your sister likes/trusts? Just an idea.
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In my State of Maryland a Durable Power of Attorney is appointed whenever a person is unable to to direct his/her personal or financial affairs or provide for their health care needs. However, again in Maryland, should a court appointed Guardian of the Person and Property be appointed, then all decision making authority rests with the Guardian. The POA loses decision making authority over the person. Should you want to pursue a complaint about whether or not your sister is acting in the best interest of you parents, becoming Guardian for your parents, or know of some eligible person who would be willing to take on such a task, contact the Office of Adult Protective Services for the area in which your parents reside, and/or their State Department of Social Services.
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Go to the lawyer or professional who set up POA ASAP!!
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caa39120: Retain an elder law attorney.
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OK..I have my husband who has Alzheimers and Vascular dementia...he has two adult children in their 60's who are horrid...the son cannot come here to visit because we have the 5th Protection order on him in 14 years..He is a raving violent alcoholic and has been his entire life...My husbands daughter lives 8 minutes from here..she last saw him 16 months ago...hubby has great days and horrible days..last year in Oct she wanted to come see him and he was having a truly scary week...we were this close to putting him in hospital...not sleeping screaming acting out.. in the middle of this she wants to come visit...I need to mention he goes to bed for 2 days whenever she did visit. I said he is having a rough time..lets play it by ear..she went berserk, screaming on the phone are you telling me I can't see my FATHER? I tried to explain I needed to get him on track maybe in a few days to a week..she was having none of it..need to mention we have been married for 36 years...been a b---h to me the entire time..the rest of his family is lovely...Two days later, a Huge truck from the Humane Society arrives...she made a false report that we had 30 dogs and 18 cats...man was so angry..said she was obviously a nasty person..gave me his card and drive away..BTW we have 2 greyhounds and and 2 min pins and 2 cats...all of which adore my husband and he is happiest snuggling with them. A few days after that, she sent APS to our home...lovely lady came in talked to me, looked all over house, talked to husband as best she could as he was eating his breakfast, gave me her card and told me to call if I had any other problems, and recommended Dr write note for file that daughter is not to visit....that it is obvious she has damaging "issues"..When I see people saying well it IS their parent, brother, sister whatever..that does not mean visitation is good. BTW..heard nothing from her till last May when she made a date to come see him on her day off but cancelled because she might have to poop..truth... made another day in August, but said she was sick...nothing since...
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Many posted that a POA cannot keep you away. Correct.... UNTIL they act on behalf of the elder and place a PFA against you... PROTECTION FROM ABUSE orders are too easy to get, and bogus charges can be stated. In my case, the elder didn't have to sign the order or even appear in court to testify. All went on POA over the phone to the courts. An elders confabulation can get you in trouble when their POA believes every word of it. Be careful, and good luck.
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