I witness what appeared to be a very traumatic death on Monday. She had stage 4 lung cancer and had decided to keep her comfortable. She was in a typical hospital room but under Hospice care. I told the doctor that if they didn't do something to remove the fluid in her throat she would end up suffocating on it. He assured me that would be a horrible death and he'd never let that happen. I left at 11:30 PM on Saturday night. On Monday morning at 3:00 AM my sister called me saying that mom can't breathe and I got there right away. Mom appeared to be suffocating. She was conscious and kept looking at me as if to say "Help Me", then her eyes would roll back in her head.. This went on for 6-hours. They tried suctioning her throat but the fluids were too deep. They offered to get respiratory up to use a more flexible tube to remove the fluid that was blocking her airway, but nobody ever came. Finally, I had to request that they increase the Morphine and Ativan to knock her out. This finally worked and she wasn't suffocating anymore. She died within a few hours. This violent suffocating seems to be something much worse than the "Death Rattle" and it has left me with PTSD, which I'm seeking counseling for. I appreciate any related stories or advice that will help me make sense of this and heal from it.
It’s too late now for you to try this, but I was told (and witnessed) that the last sense to go is hearing. The doctor who came a few hours before the end (my mother died at home) bent down and almost shouted in her ear, and she clearly heard and responded facially. Your mother’s ‘help me’ look could well have been simply about wanting to communicate, to tell you that she loved you, to say that everything was all right. Just holding her hand, which I am sure you did, was what she needed. Give yourself the peace of mind that she now has. Yours, Margaret
And I'm sorry for your loss.
I am sorry that your mother appeared to suffer at the end. Does your Hospice organization provide counseling? I would start with them.
Please understand that we are only lay people and we can't possibly know the the particular technical details of what was happening inside your mother's body. It would be much the best thing for you to make an appointment to see your mother's hospice team and ask them to explain the process as it happened, step by step.
The only other suggestion I have for you is to ask: was your mother given any medication to reduce the secretions from her airways? - but don't jump to any conclusions about this. If she wasn't, there may have been very good reasons why not; or even if she was they may just not have worked well enough to prevent the symptoms.
I hope you and your sister will be able to come to terms with what happened over time. Wishing you comfort.