I just recently moved back to Florida to be closer to my aging parents. My brother used to help my parents when they needed extra assistance from time to time, he only lived a few miles away from them. My brother suddenly just passed away a few months ago and I have now become an only child (at 50). I stayed at my parents home for a few months while I was looking for a house to buy and while I have not lived with my parents for more than 30 years I began to noticed a strange habit my father has.
My father is a compulsive shoplifter. He goes to Walmart and other various stores everyday and changes price tags on items or just simply walks out of the store with unpaid merchandise. I noticed it when he came home with a very expensive cut piece of meat with a price tag for 1.99 covering the original price 23.00. He also switches price tags on clothing and shoes. He stole 10 bags of cement from home depot the other day, he just walked out of the store without paying. I over heard him talking with my mother and bragging about how easy it is to save money this way.
He does this everyday and most days he goes to 2-3 different stores to shoplift.
I am in utter shock by all of this and feel sorry and frightened that my father has this puzzling behavior.
My mother is 78 and is mentally ill with severe anxiety and OCD along with beginning stages of dementia, so I really do not think she understands what's going on. She too used to shoplift a few years ago, I remember hearing it from my brother but she since has stopped because she is also agoraphobic and rarely leaves the house other than her doctors appointments. She used to shoplift mostly make-up from cosmetic departments.
My father is 76 with bipolar disorder and a bit of a hyper guy with tons of energy otherwise healthy and just retired from a career as a construction supervisor just 2 years ago.
They are not in financial stress, they own their house and live a modest but frugal life on SS.
WHY is my father shoplifting when they can afford such things??
Everyday I feel anxious that he is going to get caught and I will be receiving a call from the county jail.
I'm also starting to feel the wrath of anxiety since I moved closer to them. Every-time my phone rings I instantly think my father just got caught shoplifting and I have to bail him out of jail!
I'm having a difficult time concentrating and living my own life knowing that my parents are so vulnerable and have such poor behavior.
Is shoplifting a normal process of aging?
Should I confront my parents?
Is this even my responsibility?
Thank you for taking the time to read this any advice will be greatly appreciated.
Second, no, it's not your responsibility.
Do you have dad's doc's number and address? The doc needs to be notified. Send her/him a certified letter with this information and pitch the ball into the doc's court. I think a psych eval is the appropriate place to start.
Has he really been formally, medically diagnosed by a psychiatrist as bipolar? Many people self-diagnose and throw this term around pretty loosely. If he is actually bipolar, is he on medication? If not, why not? FYI I've known several people who are bipolar and I have not known them to be thieves. They still know right from wrong.
I would let him know that you are aware of this behavior and you think it is reprehensible and shocking. Let him know you are not going to bail him out if he gets arrested. More and more stores are choosing to prosecute shoplifters. Can he afford the legal defense required? Or leaving his wife on her own? He needs to understand it is not a matter of IF he gets caught, just a matter of WHEN since he is doing it so often, his odds of getting caught are increased every time. Every store has cameras and security guards. I'm so sorry for the dilemma he has created for you. Very selfish on multiple fronts. Good luck!
Do you have any idea if he did this when he was working? My thoughts are that working typically creates a sense of achievement, of accomplishment, and pride. When that's gone, whether it's due to retirement or other issue, there may be a gap and a need to fulfill it with some other activity. Getting away with theft may be filling the need for accomplishment and control that lapsed when he retired from paid work.
Can you correlate his "down times" with shoplifting? It does sound though as if this is a regular process, regardless of mood.
And sometimes people just steal b/c they feel they're outsmarting big business, or business people in general, or even hard working business people.
I don't want to alarm you, but when (and it will be when, not if) he's caught, if you admit that you knew this problem existed, there may be a question on the part of the police as to your suitability to care for your parents.
So I'd act now to pre-empt an embarrassing arrest and possible incarceration, as well as inquiry into your caregiving role. You absolutely don't want an agency investigating you for turning a blind eye to your father's actions.
I'm NOT trying to frighten you, just looking ahead to unwanted possibilities.
Whether or not it is your responsibility might be mute, as a burden will be shifted to you if he's incarcerated. And that could very well affect your mother's mental and physical health.
I would also consult his PCP, or a neurologist, in person, to get assistance in addressing first the bipolar issue and second the theft issue.
In addition, you might check out groups like AA to see if you can locate a group for compulsive theft. It would be to your credit not only as a daughter, but when the police come knocking at your door. You can explain what you've done and ask for more help. I've found that major hospitals often have more extensive support groups, especially hospitals with multiple facilities and in major areas.
In fact, I might even consider contacting the local PD and ask if they can recommend a professional or support group for compulsive theft, although that runs the risk of giving them a heads-up. OTOH, if they're aware you're addressing the problem now, they may be more lenient when he's caught.
Good luck.
Over the years - I saw it all. When I worked as a department manager for a well known chain, to advance your career you had to do a stint in “Loss Prevention”. THAT was a real eye-opener - one saw the worse society had to offer. That’s for sure!
People shoplift for tons of different reasons. Actually being unable to afford the item was the least of them.
Most common was the thief who stole in order to return the item for cash in order to support a drug addiction. Long ago stores stopped giving cash w/out a receipt - Nordstrom’s nearly bankrupted itself with their famously liberal return policy - but now give store credit instead. Thief’s sell these store credits for pennies on the dollar to get cash or the thief “buys” an easily sold-on-the-street item with the credit like jewelry or high end perfumes. Advanced technology has helped to reduce this by requiring photo I.D. at the time of the “return” and the thief gets “put into the system”.
The second most common reason - that I saw - was the Thrill Seeker thief. Which sounds like the category your father falls into. Mental illness, lack of ethics and lots of other things play into the Thrill Seeker thief.
Unless things have changed drastically in the years since I retired - yes, stores will call the police when having had apprehended a shoplifter and yes, the individual will be arrested but most often they are not carted off to jail. The thief is given a ticket - of sorts - and later mailed a summons of a court date where they appear before a judge - who in turn usually gives a fine and maybe probation. This type of crime almost never is allowed a plea of innocence and then tried/defended in court. The folks you see handcuffed in the back of the police car in front of Macy’s are habitual offenders and/or have other outstanding warrants.
Still - something should be said/done to your father. Threatening him with a stay in The Big House might work if he’s not savvy enough to know how this type of crime actually plays out. As well - once someone is caught shoplifting in a particular store, they are usually ban from that store - for a while, at least. I don’t know if that would deter your fathers criminal behavior or not... but I kinda doubt it.
What the problem is - if this five finger discount behavior is actually a true compulsion - there isn’t much that will help, short of time spent with a mental health profession and/or medication.
Making matters worse - if your father is sharp enough to play the “I’m just a forgetful, doddering old fart” card - a lot of store security folk will let him go with a warning and without calling the police. At least for the first time he is caught at that particular store.
From what you've described, it does sound like you’ve got a huge challenge on your hands. That your father is brazen enough to steal 10 bags of cement - tells me he’s been stealing merchandise - successfully - for quite some time and is absolutely confident that he is smarter than any ole store security and he won’t ever get busted.
I do think your only option is to get your father to a doctor and hammer it out from there.
By any chance do you know anyone with a badge of some sort? If so - and if it were me - I think I’d try having my friend with a badge put on their suit/uniform and have them stop by your fathers house. Have them play out being a police officer/detective - say that they have surveillance footage of Pop stealing... give a first and final warning which includes some dire consequences should he be caught stealing again... it might scare your father straight. At least for a while.
Lastly, quit referring to this a “shop-lifting”. That minimizes the seriousness of what he is doing. It’s STEALING. Straight up stealing.
He needs to be scared straight.
Letting him continue with stealing while not doing anything about it is also wrong.
So even if this were, on some strange planet, a normal or at least common aspect of aging, in the sense of absent-mindedness or loss of moral compass (it isn't, but just say) - it's not normal for your parents.
What have you said to your father on the subject? Are you able to do anything to insist that goods are returned, or these petty frauds corrected?
You can follow him to the store and alert the manager but unless they see him steal something, they won’t do anything. Unless he’s got a history of prior shoplifting offenses, he’ll just be given a citation. The value of the property stolen will determine what degree the theft is and what the possible fines and jail sentences are. But at 76, it’s not likely the state of FL will incarcerate him for petty theft. If he’s been doing this at the same stores regularly, very possible the staff is now familiar with him and have been documenting it.
My heart goes out to you. I have now read three of your posts, each laying out a very serious issue with your father: 1. sexual promiscuity including giving away money; 2. not respecting boundaries with you and your daughter in your home (including walking in on her as she was getting out the shower); and 3. this shoplifting post. You are dealing with something that requires professional assistance. Your father needs professional help. You may put yourself and your daughter at risk/ in harm's way/ if you try to solve these very serious issues on your own. Please get professional help with these matters.