My Mother in law came to live with us last November due to her calling us saying she is scared and doesn't know why, plus she would leave the gas stove on or leave the iron on or leave the water running. She calls them spells. Since living with us she has been kept safe and loved very much. She has wandered in the night time many times. She has fallen once and so she has a walker now for balance issues. She has had some tremoring and asks frequently to go home to her childhood and her house were she was living before coming to live with us. Home health care was immediately implemented since she fell at home. She has a neurologist and had an MRI plus a neurophyche testing. She has been diagnosed with Severe Neurocongtative Impairment and Severe Depression. She is on memory meds, sleep aid, BP med anxiety med and an antipysochtic meds. She has hallucinations some and she has become a little paranoid. She recently with the past 6 days is very aggressive very agitated and combative. I have done all I can to care for her and so has my husband. She packs random things and tries to leave the house we had to put deadbolts uptop the doors for the front back and garage. We want her here and safe always, but the sleepless night for us all is becoming more than we can handle. I watched as my husband, her son, talk with her yesterday about how we want her safe and love her dearly (and with tears in his eyes) he expressed the concern that she needs more professional help than we can give. And that we will find her a very good Memory care facility. She said so get rid of me, put me away, just throw me in a ditch, he cried and I cried and she stared out into nothing while he continued to talk with her, she hasn't talked since. Is it time to move her to a memory care facility?
If money is an issue, get her into a care facility on private pay and just make sure the facility also has LTC (in case she needs it so that she never has to leave for a new place) AND make sure the facility accepts Medicaid. When her funds run out her financial PoA can apply for Medicaid for her and the facility cannot kick her out, even if they don't have a Medicaid bed available at the moment. If she is wandering from your home, this is an extra stressful situation and not safe, obviously, so yes, MC is the next step.
Do not allow any guilt to eat at you or let anyone else guilt or criticize your decision. Any relative who does should be told to come and get her and care for her yourself and see what we're up against. FYI if she does require Medicaid, they will put a lien against her house which will need to be satisfied when it is sold.
In preparation for your next steps it would be a wise investment to consult an elder law attorney/estate planner who has experience with Medicaid for your state. The Medicaid app has a "look-back" period that can be up to 5 years. You don't want anything to delay or disqualify your MIL from getting this financial support when needed, so please consider talking to an attorney before you do anything. I wish you all the best and peace in your hearts!
How fortunate for her that you love her dearly, and at the same time, realize that she has well documented and diagnosed needs that can be met by specialists who are trained to care for her.
Before Covid, I LOVED visiting my dear relative’s beautiful MC unit, and even since, I know that she has been faithfully cared for. I am hoping that Covid circumstances may have lessened where you are. My relative has been fully vaccinated aged, and I have as well, so I am able to visit with a number of restrictions, once again.
She is already unable to understand or interpret the fact that you are motivated by your love, care, and concern for her, and you all MUST learn to let unkind things that she says pass by.
Almost EVERYONE who NEEDS residential care speaks the same way and says basically the same things. In your family, you are ALREADY aware of the fact that “going home” is part of her difficulty already. She doesn’t REALLY KNOW what this IS, but longs to be wherever she remembers past happiness being.
It is part of the tragedy of her current condition that she is not talking now, but this kind of behavior should not cause you to change your course.
It may take a period of adjustment before she begins to react positively to her new surroundings, but follow the lead of the staff, commit to allowing her the time she needs (it was actually a few months for my most recent family placement), and know with certainty that what you have decided for her future, done with love and respect, will NOT be a mistake.
Hopes and good thoughts to you and your husband as you move forward.
My brother thought if he barricaded the area with chairs that it would stop her from making it to the front door. Nope, somehow she made it to the front door and was trying to open it.
My brother was so disturbed with her wandering around that he put bells on her walker to be able to hear her when she started moving.
It’s scary. Mom being 95, with severe mobility issues due to Parkinson’s disease but was still doing this. It’s so bizarre!
Mom’s Parkinson’s disease has progressed to where she can’t even turn over in bed. She’s completely bed bound now in a hospice house. We are very grateful to the staff for their wonderful care.
Please move your mother in law to a facility because it is the safest place for her to be. They have a staff 24/7 that can monitor her care.
Best wishes to you and your family.
It is not throwing someone OUT of home. It is moving them INTO a different home.
It is not withdrawing your care. It is adding more care.
More carers. A safer environment.
Wandering is a huge safety concern. Many sad stories. My neighbour's Mother is one. Hit by car at night when wandered into main road.
Expect MIL to be sad. It IS sad to leave your home. Expect anger. It IS something to be angry about - these health problems.
Comfort her sadness. Rage with her at the unfairness of old age. But move her into MC. Tell her it's a hotel if you like/if it helps. Visit & bring a hug & a smile, warmth & love.
(((Hugs))) for you too.
It does not end here you will just be in your second stage where you will visit and support the staff at the facility. The peace of mind is worth it and your family needs a break from all the stress. This will be good for all of you. Hope you can find peace in your own heart.🌻🌻🌻
For years I could not get him to leave his home. Finally, a state trooper called me and told me ‘he was sending him to the hospital.’ One of his neighbors called me, then called the trooper and we were all in agreement to send him to the hospital. He would not go inside his house and wanted to stay outside shoveling snow at nine thirty at night.
After he was discharged from the hospital, I moved him in with me. He still wants to wander and does not know where he is. He also needs some mental stimulation and better care. I have done everything that I can do to help him (it is getting harder to keep up with his bathroom schedule or lack there of). I searched and searched and found a memory care facility that will fit his budget.
Trust me, if he knew where he was going he would probably murder me —-as he used to be one of these healthy, cocky young guys who said, ‘never put me in a home....if I lose my mind I’ll blow my brains out....’.
Well here we are. He’s now 81 and after me grieving about putting him in memory care for months, I am finally relieved and grateful. He will be safe, he will be clean. He has a wonderful group of trained carers that help him and are patient with him. I can see him three or four times a week to check in and make sure he is ‘ok’. It is one of the most difficult decisions I have had to make but he made me POA 15 about years ago and I have to do what is best for him. If she is wandering, then I would at least start off by visiting some facilities and trying to get used to the idea.
Your MIL definitely needs to be placed in a good MC facility that have the resources to deal with her decline and you will know that she will be kept safe. Your husband and you will still be her primary caregivers, but the general with an army of caregivers to give her what you can't (well, maybe not an army, but more than just you two). It's heartbreaking to watch a LO decline. You are not alone. Many have dealt with the heartbreak of dementia in all its forms.
I wish you, your husband and MIL the best of luck as you traverse the new landscape of your MIL's alternative universe.
You're a wonderful DIL and your husband is a wonderful son. Your MIL is a very sick woman who's care has now gone beyond the scope of your ability. Find a lovely Memory Care for her and take your lives back so you don't wind up dying before she does. It happens quite a bit. Don't let misguided guilt prevent you from keeping her safe in a place that's devoted to elders just like her.
Best of luck.
Soutdated to me like she is on wayyyyy too many meds!
Ask her Dr about getting her off all that.
All that can cause hallucinations, paranoia, depression, ect.
Get her off all the meds, tell her ya'll want her to stay with you and she'll start talking again.
Your poor DH, meanwhile, needs to understand that his mother *can't* think this decision through, and *can't* assess it rationally. I don't at all mean that it isn't important to be truthful with her, and to tell her what's happening as it happens; but he is just beating both himself and her up by asking her permission in advance.
One step at a time. Assessment of your MIL and her needs; selection of facility; admission to the facility; adjustment - and then, life goes on! No ditch and no throwing involved! Hugs to all of you.