Please help us in making the right decision, it really aches the heart ...
My uncle is about 60 and he has liver cancer and cirrohsis both late stages, and he is now been handed to hospice ..... he lives in the states, and his mom (my grandma) usually visits him in the states (she lives abroad) once a year and spends a couple of months with him ...
Given that he is her youngest, and I could say favorite, she sees him as the youngest and healthiest of her kids (he has elder sisters but all suffering from different illnesses but living with them) ... he is her pride, her backbone, her pet ... you name it ...
She hasn't seen him now for more than 2 years (the covid situation mainly was the factor) ... but since last year he was diagnosed with liver cancer, and he never told her because she would be devastated let alone pressure him in so many ways .... so to take the pressure away from both of them (that is what he believes) he never told her, and he told his sisters and nieces and nephews not to as well ..... during the course of a year, he kept deteriorating, and now he is in his last stages, doctors say he needs to prepare to die and nothing can be done, and they handed him to hospice, who are giving him the soothing care which is meant to let a person die in peace ...
The crazy thing is his mom does not even know he is sick, she thinks he is her healthy young son full of life, the one she always knew, ... she has been nagging for a year now to see him, and they keep giving her excuses so they don't send her to the states, they tell her its covid and its bad and she can't travel ... and she keeps longing to her son and saying she misses him ...
Tell me please, is it right not to tell her until now? .. her daughters say they are scared she will be devastated (which she will of course) .. they are scared something will happen to her (since her health has deteriorated lately, but mainly pscyhologically, she is having so much anxiety, panic attacks and depression) ...
Do you think it is fair to keep her in the dark? Because we believe she cannot handle it and that she will make a difficult situation worse?
Is it better she knows the news if he passes away? Or better to know it now and see him at his worst and be with him?
Please help us make the right decision for our family
Thank you
Of course, that doesn't mean that nobody *will* - cats tend to make their own way out of bags - but if you want the purist ethical line, there it is. Silence, everybody.
You or others (perhaps a pastor, or someone from the hospice team if he won't listen to family) can dispute this point with him. It will be a devastating blow to his mother to learn that her son took months to die and she was never given the opportunity to take her leave of him or adjust to the situation. But you can't know this: it may be that she will be glad she wasn't told. She may agree, ultimately, that she has been spared months of futile desperation or even false hope.
Another suggestion: ask him to write a letter to his mother that she can be given after his death. He doesn't have to explain himself or his decisions, or write about anything he doesn't want to. But he surely does owe it to his adoring mother to leave some record of farewell to her. All members of armed forces going into active areas are required to do this in case of mishap, and it is well established that last words and thoughts from the child a family has lost is of genuine comfort to the bereaved.
And the fact that your uncles mother lives abroad, she should be given the opportunity to come see him one last time, to say to him what she feel she needs to. It may be too late from what you're describing for her to make it here in time, but she should be given the choice herself. Perhaps you can at least let her facetime with him, before he dies.
No one wants to have any regrets in their life, and I'm afraid if you keep his mom out of the loop, that you all will have to live with that regret of not being honest with her for the rest of your lives. Something to think about for sure.
Praying for Gods peace in this situation.
Respect his wishes no matter what he decides.
My 63-year-old uncle died from complications of heart surgery unexpectedly 2 months after his father had died. My 81-year-old grandmother handled it quite well after the initial shock. By the time you have reached 86 years of age, you have coped with the loss of many people.
I think uncle is making a big mistake, and I'm sorry to say this, but I think the rest of you are going to bear the brunt of grandma's (justifiable) anger once uncle has passed. She is likely going to feel that she was "robbed" of time with him - and in essence, she kinda was - and if he is her favorite as you say he is, don't be surprised if she takes out her anger on the rest of you for not telling her (even though, yes, that responsibility really rested on uncle himself).
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm afraid there are no easy answers here. I can only say that if I were your grandma, I'd want to know as soon as possible, even if the news were to "destroy" me, because that's going to happen either way. It's just not natural to outlive your children, and there's really nothing anyone can do to lessen that blow.
My concern is that Grandma is already suffering from anxiety and depression. Would someone be around to support her once she does receive this devastating news regardless of whether it's before or after his death?
For the above reason, she should not be told. COVID is a good reason for her to still stay where she is. We are now battling a different strain.
I am with your Uncle. Since Mom stays with him for months, then he knows his Mom. No one ever has to tell her about the circumstances surrounding his passing. Just that he peacefully died from Liver cancer which was discovered late.
For me, I would be L I V I D if that information was withheld from me 'for my own good' by 'well meaning' family members who thought I was 'too fragile' to handle the information. Considering I gave birth to that child and raised him, is it not my right as a mother to be with him as he takes his last breath, as I was with him when he took his first? I certainly would not let the threat of a virus prevent me from visiting my son, either, especially if he was on hospice care! But that's me, telling you how I would feel, as a mother who has a son, and how I would feel/what I would do if faced with the situation (God forbid).
Let common sense guide you to 'do the right thing' for your grandmother and your uncle's mother. My condolences over the situation you're all facing with your loved one.
I think if I was the person who was terminally ill, and I decided to not tell people, I wouldn't tell anyone. That way, once I had passed, people could be angry at me, and it wouldn't potentially drive a wedge between the people I love, because of some people knowing and having to keep that information from the people I didn't want to know. That's not a fair burden to place on people.
My FIL tried that with me - I happened to be the first one to visit him in the hospital after he was told he was terminal. His words to me, after he told me what the doctor told him - "don't tell anyone." I told him in no uncertain terms I would NOT keep this information from my husband, and that while I understood my FIL's desire to not "upset" anyone, that is was patently unfair to ask me to keep a secret - especially a secret of that magnitude concerning HIS dad - from my husband.
BUT, the proper supports have to be put in place before she is told. If she belongs to a Faith community, can you contact her Faith Leader and ask them to help prepare her for the news?
Is there a family member who can be with her when the news is shared? What about an old friend?
Can you contact her doctor and any other people on her medical team to ask for help?
She could have a physical and or mental breakdown when she gets the news, she may rage with anger at not having the opportunity to say good bye. You need to be prepared for any response and have supports in place.
Deaths can indeed be sudden. Our next-door-but-one neighbor, much liked, was killed coming home from work a month ago. It’s a bad shock, but for mother it would cut out the anger of ‘why did they keep me in the dark’.
He is insistent that no one tell his 91 year old mom who will just obsess about the health of her firstborn. He hopes to outlive her.
If your grandmother is suffering from mental health issues like depression and anxiety, please get her seen by a qualified psychiatrist who can treat these conditions. And yes, encourage your uncle to write his mom a final letter.
the mother should absolutely be told. and she absolutely has a right to mentally prepare; and to speak to him, say all she wants to say.
he should not suddenly die, and she never had a chance to say all the love/things she wanted to say.
telling her, means admitting many excuses were given to her as to why she can’t fly.
but it’s much better she knows/not more time passing.
hug!
She is going to be devastated no matter when she is told but telling her as soon as possible will give her time to arrange a visit if that is possible but it will also help her begin the grief process.
I can imagine how angry, upset and blindsided she will feel if everyone in the family is aware of the illness and she is excluded from this information.
And there is always someone that can not keep a secret and will tell her.
Please find a time when she can be told. If possible by a family member that can do it in person.
If your brother passes away without your mom ever knowing about his illness, yourself and the family should tell her that none of you knew. I think at 86 it's okay for you and the rest of the family to lie to her. What good will come of her finding out all of you knew but didn't tell her? That will only cause fighting and hard feelings and strife in the family. That can be and should be avoided at your mom's time of life.
Then he died in his sleep at age 62. The hardest thing I have ever had to do was tell Mom her favorite child was dead. She was 91 and I didn’t know how she would react. Mom surprised us all by being a rock and moving on. Maybe her decline into dementia was a blessing.
I don’t really have any advice here other than you, as a family, need to decide which will be the bigger shock: telling her he is dying and letting her be prepared and saying goodbye, or not telling her and dealing with the sudden shock when he does die and she finds out you have been hiding his illness from her.
The patient - i.e. the OP's uncle - has made it clear he does not want his mother to be told about his terminal illness and approaching end-of-life. The OP further explains that he has his reasons, which include not only that he does not want to think of his mother's reaction but also - and more importantly - that he doesn't want to have to deal with her grief while he is in the process of dying.
We may think he is wrong, and that it may be (it isn't necessarily) cruel to keep this information from her. But this isn't about her rights, it's about his rights, and he is the one who decides what happens with his information.
He can be encouraged to think again; and he can be encouraged and helped to make some kind of provision for when his mother does have to be told what has happened. But to disclose the information now, without his consent, would be totally unethical and would possibly, probably, make everything much worse and much more painful for both of them.
The shock of his illness would be less emotionally painful than being deprived of the opportunity to see him through deceit.
Many of us have lost family members to accidents and other sudden deaths. She will be able to cope.
I understand why he didn’t want to hurt and disappoint her with news that he was struggling to accept.
If, however, she is afforded the chance to see him, (if he is consciously aware) he will be comforted by her presence.