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My grandpa lost my grandma last year, and their children (my dad and uncle) have been gone for years. I have taken charge of being there for grandpa in whatever way(s) I need to be. He cannot read or write, so this has meant paying bills and helping with medicine and taxes and doctors appointment so far. Not too bad, he lives five minutes away thankfully, and still drives at 80 years old. He's in "decent" shape physically. I am seeing a definite mental decline though. First of all, he has become convinced that my grandma's angel is living with him. But he doesn't think he's seeing an angel- he thinks she's really there and there was some scientific experiment done to bring her back. He sees and feels her at all times. He will say things like "I have to get home, she'll wonder where I am". His doctor is aware and believes it's an extreme grief response. But now there are more warning signs. For example, he forgot that I invited him over for Christmas dinner, he called me to ask about something else and he actually argued with me that it was Friday and not Sunday, and that Christmas was on Tuesday anyway. Also... he is starting to do some seriously reckless things. We had a big snowstorm and he went and out and drove the next morning in -20 degree windchill and totally iced over roads. And then called me to come rescue him! I have an eleven month old at home who couldn't go out in that. His car ended up getting towed and now I'll have to call around and find it. I don't know guys, you've always been very helpful when I've had questions before. My biggest question is: so, when he's clear headed, he's still very much so. He's clear headed more often that he's seeming off. How can I go about getting him care if that's the case? He is 100% against home care, he won't hear of it. He won't allow anyone to help but me and my husband.

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Confused, you have a child to take care of. That child is your first priority.

If grandpa gets lost again, call 911 and have him taken to the ER for evaluation. He should not be driving, nor living alone.

If Grandpa thinks he can take care of himself, let HIM call around and find the car he "lost".

I am not understanding why grandpa is your problem. I am all for providing reasonable help to elderly relatives who ask for help and who are cooperative, but if folks start demanding that it be done "their way", I am done.

My help is given on my terms.
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Confused96 Dec 2022
So he didn't lose his car, sorry if I was unclear on that. He slid into a ditch and had to leave it, and it was towed already when he went back, but we don't know by who. There are several companies in the area. That's what I have to call around and figure out.
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Driving in a snow storm & not knowing who towed his car isn't normal. I'm curious, does he even have a valid license? He should see a neurologist & find out what's going on. Labwork, MRI, etc.
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Confused96 Dec 2022
Yes he does have a valid license still. There are a few different companies around that do towing here, and he had to leave the car and when he came back it was gone, that's how that happened. He just doesn't know how to use a phone to call himself. My grandma pretty much did everything for him. :/
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You, your family are your number 1 priority.
Grandpa should not be living alone.
Yes he could go to Assisted Living or Memory Care.
But if he does not want to go unless you have legal authority to "make" him go this would be up to him. And if he has been diagnosed with dementia it would be up to a lawyer to determine if he is "competent enough" to appoint you POA. If that can not happen then he would have to have a Guardian appointed. That could be you, another family member or the Court could appoint one.
In my opinion at this point it is not safe to leave grandpa living by himself.
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I doubt that he’s in the very beginning stages of The Awful Thing We Don’t Want To Name. It’s much more advanced, as indicated by the going out in the snowstorm incident (very bad judgment) and thinking it was okay for you to come rescue him when he knows you have a young child (even worse judgment). His refusal of in-home care doesn’t matter anymore. His brain can no longer decide things. Whatever you do, never move him in with you. Your baby is your first priority, but grandpa is descending to a childlike level now, and if you allow it, being his caregiver will take over your life. He will become the baby. That’s not fair to your child. Sorry, and good luck. I find it better to face up to facts right away rather than cling to false hope or rationalizing away the problem.
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lealonnie1 Dec 2022
BIngo.
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Seems from your post in January it was pretty bad. Best of luck
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