I visit once a week since COVID restrictions allowed visits. Accuses me of “putting him there” and wants cell phone which he wouldn’t know how to operate; wants to go home. I’m 85 and couldn’t keep up with his demands, falls and abuses. I should be overwhelming happy that he has all the best of care he needs but I’m not. Is something wrong with me? I’m self sufficient.
Vascular dementia steals judgement & empathy, so he won't see how this effects you. He will want he he wants. Reasonable or not.
So you may need to decide how much phone contact is good for you. Multi calls won't fix anything. Eg only one daily call to say good morning.
Most do adjust in time. Has he got activities provided? Ask staff to keep trying to engage him into activities. (Be prepared for 'I've done nothing all day'... I got that. The *woe is me* headline but when I went early, I caught her joining in, smiling etc.
Be a ray of light when you visit. Enjoy a loving, positive visit, then breeze out. (Also be prepared to leave early if a bad day).
Put time into enjoying your own hobbies & interests too.
You've got this (as they say).
I’ll try the good morning calls
I’ll also talk to staff about activities
by the time I go again it may be a whole new set of complaints!
You are feeling this thing called guilt. And it is a feeling that you put on yourself.
You are doing the best you can for your husband.
You are providing him with a safe environment
I will bet that if he were at home he would be doing the same thing he is doing in MC now. He would complain that he is bored, that he has nothing to do. That is not on you. There are activities that he can participate in. It is up to the staff to encourage him to participate but they can not "MAKE" him do so. So part of that is on him.
When he calls if the call starts getting nasty hang up. You can tell him you will do that but he probably will not understand cause and effect. But you do not have to take the abuse. IF the call is placed by a staff person or the phone is brought to him by a staff person tell them that you will hang up if he begins to get nasty so they are aware.
When you visit, the same thing, if he becomes nasty cut the visit short or get up and go get a drink and leave him sit for a bit on his own. When you return continue the conversation, if he gets nasty again, leave.
Again..there is nothing wrong with you. You have done what you can to make sure he is safe.
For you it’s hang up the phone.
You are also grieving the way things should have been and the way things are. It will take a while to adjust.
You say he doesn't have a cell phone. Does he have a phone in his room? You may just not want to answer every call.
My Mom said once "When you take those vows they don't tell you when they get old, you get old too and don't feel like putting up with there s_ _t anymore" Thats the problem you both got old and there is no way that you can care for him without it effecting you health too. You have to pray that he adjusts to the situation. It is not your fault he has this horrible desease. All you can do is what ur doing. Its going to be hard, but let what he says roll off your back.
My mother gets kind of crunchy when the caregivers in her MC are doing something for her. I've watched them just get up and walk behind her, wait a moment or two, then come back into her sight and start over again. Mom seems to think it's a whole new day.
It's akin to us walking into another room and forgetting what we went in there for, and sometimes it's not such a bad thing after all. ;-)
It has to be so hard to hear this, and I want you to remember one thing. Guilt is for felons. Grief is for those who are doing the best they can, and must mourn the fact it can never be good enough in these circumstances. What you are feeling is GRIEF. Allow yourself to mourn these losses for yourself, and for him, and allow him to rage a few times. There is no reason to go gently into this good night.