I've been taking care of my 81yr old father for years now. After a massive heart attack, accompanied with Diabetes and prostate Cancer he doesn't care to live or eat in a way that's conducive to life. He is so ungrateful. He's always lived a life of selfishness. He was an abusive husband. He has 100 kids which he's abandoned all. Im the only one who will care for him. Growing up he always put me down and wasn't around much. It's like caring for a child who's always defiant. I can't even expect him to drink water in a day without monitoring him. He lives with my family, my daughter and my husband. Currently, I'm pregnant and feel completely overwhelmed and miserable. I can't put my pregnancy or family first. He has no real retirement money so any assisted living facility will be just above poor. Im trying to care for someone who makes it so difficult when he refuses to do the required minimum. He'd be happy if he could smoke weed, eat greasy food and not be told what to do. But if I put him in a facility I feel he will be dead in a year. I feel completely burdened and I don't know what's the "right" thing to do.
If it’s at all possible your dad needs to be placed in AL or a retirement community. Was he in the military? Perhaps there are benefits he could receive. You said yourself your dad would be happy smoking dope and hanging out with fellows of the same persuasion. He’s not happy in the current situation and he’s ruining your family’s home life, so you aren’t happy. Explore all avenues of alternative living that can give everyone peace.
--- Just the opinion of one woman who's been there.
In other words, if Dad harms the children with any history of abuse you could lose both your children.
If you are miserable, that can lead to depression. You won't be able to take any medication for that because of your pregnancy. Do you want to become suicidal? Get him out ASAP.
If he's miserable there, that's too bad, he sounds miserable anyway. If he wants to eat greasy burgers, let him, eating organic lettuce and chicken breast isn't going to make him young, healthy and vigorous. Chances are he will not, entering his new domicile, keel over and die, he could very well outlive YOU.... You have a baby coming and your own family, your own life to tend to, and if you do not find him another place to live, you and possibly the baby can suffer from ill health. Your marriage could be endangered. Read what all the sadder but wiser people here say and get going on The Big Move....please write back and let us know how it goes.
In your case I've a feeling there is another side of guilt you're not considering, and that is how you would feel if -God forbids!- your pregnancy gets affected with the stress and constant misery you are living in. Or in the best case scenario the mere fact that you're not enjoying your pregnancy as every mother should and not having moments of peace with your baby.
How about the guilt of not being a good mother because you're devoting most of your energy and life to him.
Is that guilt easier to carry? I'm afraid it probably is worse. So, to me it becomes in a way a matter of choosing the lesser evil, and more than anything finding BALANCE.
Caregiving absorbs not only all of a person's time, it absorbs their everything!! And you have no longer the right to devote all of you to him, because now you're a mom, and that should naturally be your prime role.
That doesn't mean you should relegate him and his care, not at all! But realize it's time to assume the most important role in your life, a role that any loving parent would want you to enjoy: Motherhood! Your father cannot tell you this as he is not able to for many reasons, but if he was healthy and kindhearted he would most definitely applaud your decision to be a mom above all.
So, look for help. Take the bitterness out of your home. Your home should feel full of light right now! You've plenty of good comments and suggestions here about possible external living choices. I'm sure you can find something. And if you're afraid he'll die within a year, first of all that might be an unfounded fear, but even if he did, please think about him, about how bad he feels now. He is probably so unhappy and bitter because he is not living life anymore, he is just surviving! So he might be ok with not staying here for so long. Think about him and you'll see the options seem a little different.
It's very hard to make these decisions, but it'd be harder to live with something you might regret for the rest of your life such as jeopardizing the health and wellbeing of your baby!
Have faith, be brave, take control of life and smile again!! :)
If he refuses to leave and gets abusive, call 911. I doubt the police will leave an abuser around a pregnant woman. Let the authorities deal with him. Your father is an adult. He's also toxic, and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can get on with your life and look forward to bringing a healthy new baby into your family.
Your father's problems are 100% of his own doing, aside from just aging. The MIA family? I would be too.
Even people on SSI can find housing. Get on your computer and start the search. Place him and walk away. If "guilt" gets to you--go visit him once in a while---but you put your own little family first and don't look back.
It sounds like you have talked with your dad and were unable to get anywhere and make any positive changes with him. So, now you have to dig deep and do what is right for you and your family. Someone else mentioned contacting the office of the aging which is a good place to start. There are options available to your dad, it does take time to get anything done, but it's well worth the effort in the end. Good luck, sending hugs and prayers your way. Remember, it won't be easy, but do what you need to do and be kind to yourself in the process.
My advice is to think about how the situation is affecting you. Some times you have to put yourself first. Good luck.