Husband is the type that holds all his feelings in and was blessed that his elderly mother died peacefully and without any pain or health problems in her sleep ...just old age. My mom is in Hospice and Assisted Living with Lymphoma and Alzheimers and is stuggling with her decline and pain , even though hospice is working well with AL staff to,keep her comfortable. I visit her most everyday but we are going away for 2 days, wirh hospice encouragement and blessings so I can recharge and have some relaxation. Mom also told me to get some rest and have a good time. When I called her before we left, she sounded so tired and down...she has an infection in her mouth which is being treated but hasnt resolved and she is in pain and not eating. When I hung up, all my pent up tears came out , and hubby told me to stop crying. That shes almost 93....that death is a part of life, and that I should accept she is dying. In all other areas he is a great husband and very loving with our adult kids and grandchildren ..volunteers to help people in,our church, etc. His best childhood friend told me that men , and especially my husband, whom he has known over 50 years now, often get angry because they do feel deeply but do not know how to make things better. Anyone else going through this? I am the only family member still left and willing to be involved in moms life ..my husband does come with me to visit with her occasionally but my jackass NPD brother doesnt even call her. So Im it , im doing it alone, and Im heartbroken and angry.I have always been very strong and independent , and my husband rarely sees my vulnerable side and I rarely ask for help or comforting...been taking care of parents for past 20 years with whatever they have needed and raised my 2 sons alone, working 2-3 jobs ..but I am proud of that , and how well they are doing....remarried after they were adults ..on my own raising them after ly divorce for 20 years. So I never could break down and had to be strong. We have been married for 14 years now.
Not seeing the issue here.
He has already experienced the death of a mother so he likely understands more than your giving him credit for.
People don’t die of old age, for what it’s worth.
Being facetious?
I have lost both my parents, my hubby still has his. And I know that I will need to give him space to grieve when that time comes, I can’t protect him from that, even though I’ve been down that road and know how it hurts. Please let hubby know that you have to process this for yourself, and your tears are a part of that. ((Hugs))
Women are always told to make allowances for men who don't understand how to handle their emotions. We get tired of that. We divorce them for that. They don't want to change, so we'll keep putting up with it. Until we divorce them. More of them need to understand that we can and will do that. Grow up, guys!
2.
Good for you for taking care of your mom. You are clearly a devoted daughter. However, you deserve a vacation. Your husband deserves a vacation. Mom is being taken care of, and you can't do any more for her. She's had a nice long life, and it's nearing a close. What can you do to help yourself accept that? Well, step back, for one thing. Realize that she's not your responsibility now, with hospice and AL taking the lead. You don't have to feel her every pain, monitor her mouthfuls, or forgo relaxation. Her journey is almost over, and that is a very good thing in her situation.
And yours. Good luck, and I hope she has a peaceful passing. I'm very sorry this has happened to her.
She is being cared for, I get the feeling he thinks that you are too involved, too consumed with your mother.
Your brother has no obligation to care for your mother, nor do you, 20 years of caregiving is bit much for anyone to handle or accept for that matter.
A 2 day trip is nothing, why not take a long vaca with your husband, show him that he is your priority, not your mother, might make a world of difference to him.
I have NEVER see my husband cry from 'emotion'. Pain? Yes, sort of, but Acc to him, emotions and 'feelings' are STUPID. Every uncomfortable emotion, to him, gets translated into anger. This is frustrating to me, but I also know it is a very, very common way for people to channel feelings into what they feel is 'appropriate'. Anger is a 'manly' emotion.
Knowing how he was raised--It's amazing he's even functional. I know he does care, he never learned how to show feelings, emotions, etc. Being an engineer (which my daddy also was) his thinking is very structured to 'problem solving'. Most things in life are not 'problems' to be solved but simply the price we're paying for being alive!
I know he's afraid if he shows one crack in the facade, he'll fall to pieces.
For me? If I need to share some 'feelings' with him, I tell him in advance that I need his SUPPORT and LOVE and I am not asking for a solution to anything. I just need to vent. Been a sharp learning curve for him, and I know he'll never really change.
Your husband could be angry because he doesn't know how to make this better. He could be angry because he is tired of dealing with this long drawn out process. Take those two days to just get away from it all. May give you some clarity.
and became a good father after going through 3 years of hospitalizations and chemo and apologized for what he put me through in our marriage. He is still a good friend to me and my husband so I am blessed in that regard .,but it was still very difficult
My faith got me through when friends wanted to,
but couldn’t understand. 😘
Team work works 2 ways. You take but you give as well. A 2 day mini vacation is a tiny thing of dh to ask of you in return for 14 yrs of supporting you caring for sick parents. And his friend is right....there IS no way to fix cancer, old age and death except to accept the inevitable. We can rail against the moon and curse God but still watch the process unfold. Cling together now instead of drifting apart.
With all you are going through and have been through with your hubbys health too , you reach out to me and so many others.❤️Your advice is invaluable snd I will take to heart. I have been praying for you and will continue to do so. God bless you for being one of the angels on this forum 😇🙏🏻💕
I remember thinking, in the midst of dealing with my mother, my kids, and life in general, “I can’t afford the luxury of emotions!” But we all have them and they came out in other ways, like stress eating, sleep issues, and depression.
My husband is one of the strongest guys I know, because he acknowledges his feelings and deals with them, instead of burying them. We both get overwhelmed and take turns being the strong one.
I am interpreting your post as a cry for help because you’re exhausted from having to suck it up and stand strong for so long. You’d like a break and need to feel someone has your back.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest this may be a marriage counselling issue. If he’s in that toxic mindset of men not having “effeminate” feelings and you are hesitant to ask for emotional support so as to avoid triggering him... perhaps a neutral 3rd party can help you find open, honest middle ground. It takes a lot of trust to be open and true to yourself. And to ask for help when you’ve never been allowed to be vulnerable.
My apologies if I am way off track.
Something I have been wanting to suggest to him.
looking for a grief counselor for myself and may invite hubby to be a part of that. Or marriage counseling when my plate isn’t so full. Thank you
It's impossible to be strong all of the time and everyone needs a soft place to land at times. And, it's also important to allow yourself to cry when you need to, and experience your emotions rather than suppress yourself. I hope your husband will understand - and sometimes certain friends or other family members that you're close to can provide the right support.
Wishing you my very best ~
You are certainly allowed to feel sad.. and cry too.
Sometimes men (or women, or kids, parents..) just don't know what to do when we cry. Or they want to 'fix it'. So they tell you to stop crying.
Sigh.
How nice if someone just LISTENED eh? And gave you a BIG hug.
Ignore the emotionaly stunted spouse & look for other supports that CAN offer the support you need. (I have had to do this MANY times, I still love him but realise he cannot meet all my needs, especially at sensitive times.
Sometimes the power of gal pals is needed!
(((Hugs))) from me.
You are grieving your mother because you love her and don't want her to suffer or die. Everyone understands that and so does your husband. The fact that he goes with you to visit your mother and is a good husband to you counts for a lot more than having the right words to say. Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words.
My first husband was Eastern-European. Polish. Men from that part of the world are tough. They don't cry or complain or talk about their feelings. Like your husband he didn't always know the right words to say. He didn't have to because I knew they were written on his heart.
I think you know what's in your husband's heart too. He's not being insensitive to you. He's being the only way he knows how to be. Every man can't be Lord Byron. That doesn't mean that they're insensitive and don't care. He's there with you and has your back. That's love.
The tears and talking about feelings that's what your girlfriends are for. Or your sisters and cousins if you have them. Or your therapist.
❤️🙂
words are action, too.
we all know how hurtful and destructive some words can be. in fact, words ARE a type of action, too.
it's not true words aren't action.
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my guess is, it's not the 1st time your husband reacted in an insensitive way. some people are like that, and it's a habit. and it has NOTHING to do with male/female. some females are VERY insensitive with their words. it has to do with character. some people are careful with what they say; others not. some people are more empathetic, others not. some people are good listeners, others not. again, NOTHING to do with female/male.
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fixers....again, NOTHING to do with female/male.
females are just as wanting-to-fix-things, as males.
it's a sexist idea that males are more solving-orientated, scientific-minded or more gifted for math, engineering, technology, fixing things...NO.
it's just sexist, and repeated over and over by some people. do not believe it.
females are just as efficient as males, at fixing things. what they fix, is sometimes not valued as much, neither financially, nor socially.
regarding your husband, hopefully you can talk it through, let him know the kind of words/comfort you would like.
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different topic:
some people are very good at comforting others, but there's a limit: at some point, they feel they've comforted the person enough, for years, and they don't want to keep doing it again and again.
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i hope you're doing OK, OP.
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by the way, people don't get angry because they don't know how to solve things (like your husband's friend said). that's just trying to justify why someone got angry.
people get angry for a lot of reasons. sometimes, because they're fed up. sometimes because they think it's the best way to get someone else to do what they want. want someone to stop talking to you? get angry at them. want someone not to do X? get angry at them...want someone to stop bringing up a topic? get angry at them....
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hugs, OP.
as you said, you're by a lake right now with your husband, really enjoying it and laughing again. great :) :).
i hope the whole situation gets better.
❤️🙂
but,
the great majority of people who are abused, or exploited in this world, are women, hence many women’s need to talk about it, and their need to be comforted.
it’s not that men are somehow psychologically tougher. some men just haven’t been abused as much.
My experience is that some men don't know HOW to open up as they may have been raised in an environment that did not TEACH them. I don't agree that we have to divorce them if they don't change... sometimes it takes two to work things out, time and patience.
Last but not least - if you are not getting the emotional support you definitely need, consider a therapist. Someone who is completely unbiased is sometimes the best option. They can help you figure things out and see things in a new way.
Best of luck to you!
I have a friend who once said that she watches soap operas to watch men that behave the way she would like them to. LOL 😆
Acknowledge your feelings but don’t get stuck in one place. Move on for everyone’s benefit.
Forget about what your brother does or doesn’t do. Focusing on his life will only make you feel miserable. It’s not going to change his attitude.
Wishing you peace as you continue on with your caregiving journey. Please enjoy your time away. You deserve it!