I'm trying to help my estranged father (possibly dying) and feeling guilty because I don't want any direct responsibilities. Any advice/tips?

My Dad left when I was four. No contact at all, of any kind. I found him when I was 28. Long story, I'm his only child, and I like his third wife, so I agreed to help them out when they both had (non-Covid) health issues in early 2020.

Just to offer you my perspective, it was a thankless task. He is a cantankerous, selfish, stubborn old man. He takes it out on his long-suffering wife, who tries to pass along his demands to me. I just...stopped.

I put them both in an AL and moved to my own state, 2000 miles away. My therapist recognizes in me the signs of PTSD from years of care for them and three other relatives. (One now dead). All I can say is this, from the bottom of my heart: If I knew how high a price I'd pay emotionally, physically, work-wise, health-wise, relationally, and in other ways for this selfish old dude who never had time for me, I wouldn't do it again. My stepmom, probably. But my dad? Nope. I'm long since over being mad at him for being a jerk when I was a kid. It's that he has learned nothing about how to be a human in his 81 years and still treats other people as tools that really bugs me now.

xoxo

I wouldn't step in to be his caregiver but, I would take the time to visit and share whatever is on your heart. Give him the opportunity to ask forgiveness and maybe share why he couldn't be a dad anymore.

One of the saddest things I have ever witnessed was my sister denying access to anyone she felt wronged by. She wouldn't give them the gift of asking her forgiveness. She didn't give herself the gift of giving that forgiveness.

You can visit, you can hold his hand, you can forgive him, if you want.

You don't have to take responsibility for him or be his caregiver.

No. It is a complete sentence and doesn't require any explanation or reason.

I pray that you find your path for this difficult journey, because once he is gone, there are no do overs.

Big warm hug full of strength and peace for you.

UnsureandTired: Prayers sent.

Tell social services or case management about the relationship. Explain that you do not want to be responsible for his care or for making the arrangements for his care. Let them know if you wish to be notified about the decisions once they are made.

All these answers and it still comes out to be Your decision for the rest of Your Life , Your memories, Your days ahead. I just lost my sister to lung cancer...one month ago. we had been estranged for over 15 years and when she knew her time was ending she finally reached out to connect with me. I had been "discarded" years prior and stayed away because the abusive behavior was constant. So, when she finally called ...I had many reservations, hesitations. I sought advice on this forum too. And I heard many directions...
The one I chose was to lay down my hurt, abandonment, shame...and travel many miles via plane, train, car...to get to her...to spend some days with her filled with love, release, kindness, understanding and forgiveness. It was indeed some of the Best Days of my life and hers too. She spoke of the jealousy she had harbored about me. I forgave. She spoke of the loss of time that we would never regain...we cried. She could hardly walk anymore...and fell constantly as she drank copious amounts of alcohol to deliberately speed the process...it was gruesome to watch...and I stayed for a week...8 hours a day...helping , feeding her, doing whatever I could to assist, understand, comprehend...be a sister , finally. She had not been kind to me for most of my life. She had slammed the door in my face, literally , so many times. She chose these ways of her life and as they say: you make your bed...and you sleep in it. So it is. Her choices brought her degrees of happiness but so many horrible consequences. And in these few days together, I only wanted to understand what I could...before she was gone. And that decision to reconnect and do as much as I could for the time and cost I could afford both emotionally and financially was gold. I didn't know it then. I was torn and afraid to step into more abuse. But, she had finally come to some realization ...and there was no more abuse...that was finally over. She finally spoke some words of love and kindness...words I will Always cherish in my soul. These were moments I will Always embrace and hold dear and they are moments I chose to enter even when the past was so hurtful. So, I say to you...what are the memories you could create now and for your future...once he is gone. These are moments you can each reconcile decades of neglect...even if that reconciliation seems to only be on the surface. I only was able to go for a week...but that time seeded incredible healing ...and in these days now...my thoughts and feelings have a depth of connection with her...and there is continuing forgiveness...deepening insight ...and more...
Compassion, forgiveness, understanding...resilience, strength, acceptance...these are all more available when we are Alive. God Bless You as you take this next step.

Sorry for your loss of your father last year. Sorry you're going thru all this right now. Stay strong and rely on friends for support.

In addition to what every one posted, please find out if your bio dad put your name on any papers as contact or poa or anything that makes you have to make decisions. I know you said he didn't prepare, but there's a reason his friends and facilities are calling you. For peace of mind, I'd want to know if I've been "volunteered" for anything.
Also, it's ok to recuse yourself from responsibility, and I'd do it in writing. But that's me.

If he is Hospice appropriate, that might be a good answer. Not in your home or his home (because family needs to be the caregivers and hospice just supplements that) but in a hospice facility or a SNF with hospice services. The SW can get that set up if he is agreeable to hospice care. You are under no obligation to assume any care giving. Say you are not able, you have a job, family, your own health concerns, whatever is the case. You can visit or call once the plan is set.

You don't have a child-father relationship. He is practically a stranger to you. You're not obliged to care for him.

Stand firm by your decision. I agree with you.
My sons went through this a couple of years ago when the hospital was trying their best to release their father into their care and responsibility. Neither of them had the means to care for him. They stood their ground and he was sent to a nursing home instead.

Get a social worker involved and you can coordinate from afar only if you choose.
Best yet if possible ask if he can be admitted to a hospice facility. In a facility all of his needs will be met and taken off your hands.

So sorry for this very difficult situation. Be as kind and generous as you feel comfortable with. Just because his actions were less than favorable does not mean you need to respond the same way.

Living with no regrets is best for you.

Dying and death is very stressful for all involved, and like you are honestly expressing, much can be related to the expectations others have of us for their care, and our fear of getting trapped in that, particularly when the dying person has not been there much for us. My suggestions are similar to what some others have said here, but basically #1 is to decide what your boundaries are, meaning what level of contact or involvement you are ok with or none at all. So far you've been ok with keeping in touch now and then but are understandably worried about being saddled with his care. I think that you can still be compassionate and in touch with him without having to take on all those responsibilities, but would need to be clear about that with the social workers so they know what steps they need to take for his care.

A little background of the two caretaking situations I've been in: I was the principal caregiver of my father and stepmother the last three months they were on hospice, and it was a labor of love as they'd been much more involved in my life and were rational and considerate. Though I have sisters and a brother, none of them were able or willing to help and my dad and stepmom didn't really want any of them there because it would be more stressful to them. My stepmom passed first, and my poor dad was grieving even as he was having to deal with his own terminal condition. Though it was an easy decision to be there to help them, it was still stressful enough and caused my health to deteriorate that I ended up in the hospital while my dad was in a coma, just a few days before he passed. Thankfully, I was out of the hospital just in time, but it was soo very sad and stressful that I couldn't be with him those days.

Currently, my mom has mild to moderate dementia and is still living independently, thinks she's perfectly fine and tells everyone so but she needs constant help, is inconsiderate at times, is selfish and tries to guilt me into dropping everything for whatever she wants and tries to keep me on a short leash. Though she raised me until I was 10 when my parents divorced and I lived with her a couple of times after she remarried, then she went on with her life and moved far away, and her new life and work was more important to her than keeping in touch with the rest of us. She did not make efforts to know my children, her grandchildren nor build a relationship with them, but criticizes them and is jealous of them and that they're important to me, but expects them to want to visit her or help her. I have to constantly set boundaries and get other help for her when I'm stressed or close to burning out, but she doesn't want other help that she has to pay for, even though she can afford it - she wants ME. At the same time, I am working full time and have a supportive husband who is also working and all my kids are grown with kids of their own and I endeavor to maintain a good relationship with all of them, not be an absent or distant parent. They do contact her now and then and are interested/curious about her, but it doesn't come automatically to them because she never had that sort of relationship with them.

While my situation is different than yours, the need to set boundaries and maintain them is a constant in these sorts of situations and it is very necessary in order to keep your health and sanity. Setting and maintaining boundaries with my mom has not been an easy thing for me, but without them I'd be completely overwhelmed. It doesn't help them at all if we are not happy to be helping them, so don't feel bad about passing that responsibility to a social worker or appointed guardian who can make decisions about his care and final arrangements. You could still be in touch as much or as little as you wanted, so he didn't feel so alone. I know some have said here that it's his fault he's in bad shape, while that may be true, it is possible you will feel more peace by being compassionate.

Death stresses everyone out . Get a social worker and case management involved . If he is dying Let Hospice take Over . Cremation doesn't cost that much . He did raise you for 12 years .

Just want to say one thing and believe me I am not religious. We were told at a Bible Study that "Honoring your mother and father" did not mean your biological parents but the people who raised you.

Honor means respect. And it goes both ways. God loans us our children. We are to care for them, not abuse them. We raise them hopefully to love God and be good people. When they become adults, we let them go. They marry, the spouse and any children they may have become our children's priority. Parents now take a backseat. Raising kids is over on to the next phase in our lives. Me time. If they were good parents, hopefully their children will be there for them. But that should not be expected. We are individuals and as such need to care for ourselves.

My Dad adopted me. Mom was my Mom. I was told my bio Dad knew about me but didn't seem to want to be involved. I was told by a friend of Moms who she thought he was and its been confirmed with a DNA test my daughter took. She has a first cousin with the same last name meaning I have a half sibling. Do I want to contact this person? Curious yes, but on the other side may not be a good idea. You never know what you might find.

Perhaps you can ‘help’ your father by simply acknowledging that he IS your father. You can visit, send a card, phone every so often – if you want to. Letting him know that in spite of his past failings, he is not alone in the world, is a gift you may feel willing to give. It does NOT involve taking any responsibility for his life.

IMHO your father is the one who raised you. Doesn't sound like your bio Dad is this person. Of course, it is up to you to become involved and at what level, but you are under no moral, ethical, familial or legal obligation to do so. There are other solutions for him: the next one of his cronies who calls you, tell them to contact social services to get your Dad on their radar. He doesn't sound cooperative to begin with, and also sounds like he will need a whole bunch of help. If he's a veteran, tell his caller to contact the VA.

Your bio Dad is a full grown adult who had his whole life to plan for this eventuality...and didn't. It's not your problem. You're not responsible for his happiness. May you gain wisdom, clarity and peace in your heart.

Welcome, UnsureandTired--and I’m so sorry you're going through this stress.

Ttypically, Social Workers in hospital settings try to track down family, even if estranged. They don't want to be accused of not getting family input.

They will also typically ask if the family member is going to step in and provide care. Not because they are trying to guilt you into it, but because some families want to do this and are insulted if anything else is suggested (I know a LOT of social workers).

Your bio dad may be feeding the rumor mill that of course you're going to drop everything and nurse him. Sounds like he doesn't live in the real world a lot of the time, so this may be expected.

His expectation does not equal YOUR obligation. Politely but firmly tell the SW that you are not able to provide any care for your dad and that she needs to make other arrangements for him.

Make it plain to the Social Workers that although he is you biological father you really have had no relationship with him so you feel no obligation towards him. That you had a stepfather who raised you. That any decisions concerning his care will need to be done by the State. The state will assign a guardian who will make those decisions. A guardian will be able to find resources much faster than u will. If Dad is dying, the hospital may transfer him to a nursing facility with Hospice. The NH will apply for Medicaid to pay for room and board, Medicare will pay for hospice care. Believe me, you don't want or need to make these decisions or go looking for someplace to place him. Then there is Medicaid, you know nothing about his finances. Do not let SWs tell you its easy. Once you tell them "sorry I am not taking on that responsibility for someone I don't know" then block their number. Tell these strangers that you appreciate their concern but to please not call you because he has never been a father to you. You can't help him. Hang up and block their calls. When he passes, the state will pay for cremation.

Someone will take over his care, it does not have to be nor should it be you.

Decide in advance what YOU want to do for your father; not based on 'family obligations' or what others expect you to do, but based on what YOU want to do, from your heart. If the answer is 'nothing', then so be it.

Unfortunately, there's no 'stress free' way to handle death and the arrangements that are required; the funeral, the nursing home or hospice care that may be needed beforehand, the exit plan from the hospital, etc. The best thing to do would be to speak to your father and see what he'd like to do. It doesn't sound like he's expected a ton from you over the years, so why do you think he'll be expecting a ton from you now? Let him know what you can and cannot do for him, and be honest about it. Knowing in advance what he has in mind is better than delving into the unknown and expecting the worst!

I hope this all works out and your father has reasonable expectations in mind for you. I expect that will be the case & you'll feel relieved once you speak with him. You may also find that he's ready to die; accepts that it's his time now & he's lived the life he chose for himself & has no regrets except that he wasn't a more involved father to YOU all those wasted years. That would be a healing thing for you to hear, wouldn't it? Wishing you the very best of luck.

No one can tell you what do to but from the information you have given us I would not want to be directly responsible for him either. There are a lot of secrets here.
Don't let anyone pressure you to take care of him. It amazes me how many adults abandon their children when they are young and expect to be taken care of when old.