Well, things overall are not getting much better.
He declined to go on psych meds. Paranoid, anxiety, and argumentativeness are worse. Then I found out he is still speaking to family and telling them he suspects we are stealing his money. I forget who suggested the statement below, but I went ahead and issued him a version of it as a potential threat. So let’s see now how he responds:
"Dad, if you don't trust us, we're more than happy to resign our POA and get rid of ALL this work we do on your behalf which now you want to go over with a fine tooth comb to make sure we're not stealing from you. This has cost US time away from our families and we're getting ulcers from ALL of this. Just let us know NOW if we should resign our POA and have the state take over for us. Once that happens, your life choices are in THEIR hands. Your choice. Just let us know in a few days how YOU choose to proceed."
I told him that being apologetic is one thing , we need to see actual improvements in his attitude and how he treats others trying to help him. He said he will need help in trying to do that. I said that will involve agreeing to trying the psych med. he said he will now try. So let’s see if he follows through now . I will speak by phone but may still delay the next in person visit a bit.
It was a very difficult time getting her there but it was the right thing to do. She was hallucinating, accusing threatening etc. I kept my distance and together with the staff made most of the decisions according to what were best for her. Eventually she agreed to taking the meds and was moved to a seniors facility that specialized in mental illnesses (BPD in her case) She did have a choice of three facilities to go to - their way of including her in the decision.
I wonder if your dad is capable of maintaining better behaviour. I was told that mother was too old to change, that her behaviours were too ingrained and the only answer was meds. I agreed with that. My solution to it being too hard on me was to keep emotional and physical distance. I visited only a few times a year, I let many phone calls go to voice mail, I didn't stay long for any visits and went with a supportive other person when I could.
You might work to protect yourself more. I agree going over the financial statements with your dad is not a good idea. If anything I would make one statement that his finances are being well looked after and then change the subject to something else he can go on about that is less upsetting to you.
You and your family matter. Your welfare matters. I know it is hard to break out of patterns but it can be done. I think the biggest change in behaviour has to be in you. Don't threaten - just set boundaries and consequences for breaking them and stay firm.If you were run over by a bus tomorrow dad would still be looked after.
Dad will complain about you whether you remain POA or you give it up .
The time comes when you, the adult children have to make the decisions. He no longer can make sensible ones. Mother complained of theft too. I knew it was her disease.
If being POA is too hard on you and your family, then you should give it up. No one else can make that decision for you. And don't feel guilty about it. You and your family matter too. Narcs are very hard to deal with and particularly hard on the ones that are closest.
I nearly made that decision myself as mother had Borderline Personality Disorder which was challenging and draining all my life. I hung in there, and since have really wondered if it was the right decision for me. She was well cared for in facilities and that likely would have happened with out me involved.
Ultimately , strugglin should be choosing what is good for him , not letting his Dad decide.
I also have questioned should I have kept the responsibility for my mother .
I stayed because she was refusing care and sitting in a wet depends . I never got anywhere with her. She would have been doing the same if I walked away .
But my life could have been better .
Time away from your own family, and get such insults? I have more money myself and set up a Trust to ensure nobody gets stuck dealing with me when my time comes.
All the oxygen they suck from you, the stubborn and selfish behaviors...I'm sick of hearing the "dementia" excuse we are supposed to accept? Dude, I know you are a caring son and have gone so much out of your way...fighting a loosing battle.
I hope you reconsider your own wife and kids (I have none myself) as your priority and just dump your POA.
I don't know you personally, but I worry about you. I lost my husband 23years ago, and have struggled to survive, with no help.
Remember this: Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words. You don't get that time back.
You can hold your head high that you tried. You don't get that time back spent on "protecting" Dad from himself.
yes, I can and do take in statements, then that leads to questions about what certain charges were for, etc etc, adding to the hours of time..... its too much
All the extra time, work and hassle to "prove" yourself to someone who is mentally incompetent?
Did Dad ever work that hard for anyone for free? Just sayin.
Saying that you asked him to execute another different POA may sound better in your own head (or other people’s heads’) than saying that you ‘threw him onto the State’.
After that the ball should stay in strugglin’s court to decide if or when he gives up POA .
I know you know that POA can be given up at anytime . Even if Dad simmers down .
You could decide months later to give it up for any reason .
This chance given to Dad should be a one time offer to suck it up , and stop the nonsense.
The State will assign him a lawyer to deal with his complaining. Unless you are paid for this chore, why sacrifice your own life and family?
The hardest thing to accept is that they are NOT the same person anymore. Dementia cannot be cured, medications are (maybe) helpful, and the person is going to get worse. This will never be controlled, no matter what you do.
You can't get that time wasted back. Your own family is your priority.
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