I’m so unhappy. I don’t want to be a caregiver. Has anyone walked away?

Sara, live your life. Your mom wants you to. Once you’re happy again, you can consider how/if you want to help. First things first, become happy. Do whatever it takes. Fall seven times, stand up eight.

You do not indicate why mom needs caregivers.
You say she is mentally sharp. Mom can then give direction to new caregivers, you do not have to do that. If she knows what needs to be done she can let them know.
Take a step back.
Let mom handle things for a bit and see how it goes.
If there is a problem you can be reached by phone and in most cases a "problem" is not really a problem and can be solved quickly without you having to be there.
Get your life back.
Enjoy college.

As others here, I am a caregiver who walked away from caregiving situations, paid and not paid.

While it's easy to say walk away, live your life, part of the reality is you will worry about her home care, and later, you will likely carry guilt.

College years are a magical time that can't ever be reconstructed, there are no substitutes. If your mom wants you to enjoy this time, the only clean way I see it is to have an evaluation done for placement. If the problems are overwhelming, as you say, it actually might be best if she's placed.

From the tone of your post, you will find this heartbreaking to do, but you only have two choices that I see: status quo or placement. But you already know status quo isn't working for you, so....

Your mother doesn't want her caring, loving, giving daughter miserable or missing out on some of the very best years of your life. A lot of people and caregivers don't have those kind of mothers. In that way, you are blessed. Maybe think of it as a gift you need to open, and take joy in what you find.

And having something of real college experience might very well keep your mind off Mom once she's placed.

Love and light to you...wrapped in a big, warm hug.

Hi

Visiting Angels

Set up the best care possible, and then save your life. Please. It’s not normal to lose a lot of hair. It happened to a friend of mine too. As soon as the stress went away, her physical symptoms went away. Peace and love.

Do not despair. Even the toughest problems have solutions. Make the right decisions. Use negative experiences to your advantage.

Bad day? Create great art. Another bad day? Go run a marathon. You get the picture. Make it so that in the end, you say: “Thank you bad days! I’m now an artist, fitter than ever…”

Ask yourself what your goal in life is. Be smart and plan around that.

Don’t plan your life around your mother. If things happen, things happen. You didn’t make any vows to your mother, like married couples. You were given life, not life with handcuffs the moment you’re born.

Can Mom be the manager of her care? Book & train new aides?

If not, I wonder if Mom can access a Case Manager? Some just book an agency & that's it. But I have heard of fuller service type organisations that co-ordinate care have weekly checkins with clients.

Are you dealing with a progressive type of disability or illness?

Some things in life are simple: you refrain from doing something. It’s a one-off action.

Some things in life are more complicated: you must take action…but that action can be non-ending. It creates a miserable life.

Let’s make a parable:

A village sees a baby in a basket floating in a river. They feel bad and immediately adopt the baby and take care if it.

Next day, another baby. They feel bad and…

Next day, more babies. They feel bad and…

Eventually one person decides to go upriver to check the source of all these babies! They eventually figure it out, and things are solved.

In the same way, helping your Mom has no end. Go to the source.

The source is your empathy. Empathy is great. But…

Walk away?

How?

You are at the moment a miserable unhappy daughter because your lovely mother is having one medical crisis after another and needs help. You wouldn't feel any less unhappy or stressed about that if you were 10,000 miles away and not lifting a finger.

You say so little about what's happening that we can't know what to suggest, but know this:

you are not alone
there will be ways forward
you shall get to enjoy college :)

Questions (lots, sorry, I'll keep them basic):
What are your mother's care needs?
How long has she been unwell?
What's the outlook?

Are you the only family your mother has?

Sara, the reason I mention happiness is that we don’t make good decisions when we’re miserable. You might think that by solving problem after problem (your Mom’s health issues), you’ll get happier. But that list will keep going. It’s a never-ending race. Make yourself happy first, then decide how/if you want to help,

Could you do a video to play for new aides and maybe a checklist so you don’t have to explain the same things over and over. If mom is pretty sharp she can answer any questions.

You definitely should be happy and think about your future.

Good Morning,

You sound like a wonderful person but it's come to a head and you are not sure what to do and you may even feel guilty for saying this.

What about day programs. Some place locally where your mother will be served lunch, activities, companionship, sometimes even have their hair done.

You can attend class with a clear mind. I would contact a Social Worker or a Dept. of Elderly Affairs in your State. It's hard because you feel torn, you want to live your life and you love your mother. You want to do right by her as well as yourself. You have to plan for your future. You don't know how long this is going on for.

We just got out of a Pandemic. Every place is short staffed. Some nursing facilities have day respite programs. There can be programs that will pay for this and also provide transportation. It doesn't have to be everyday but if you can find a good match your Mom may even look forward to it.

A lot of stuff you can look up online. Some Churches have these programs too.

Hope this helps...again I think your a great, responsible young lady.

To be a competent caregiver you have to be motivated, experienced and sturdy. Love is useless. There is no law than can force you do what you're not qualified to do. Check with some State agencies for elder care about alternatives.

If you want to stop and your Mom wants you to also, then stop.

Don’t let guilt keep you from your life. You will never get these college years back.

You obviously need some down time, but please, do not abandon your Mother. Caregiving is a tiring and demanding job... Yes, there are angels in this world, but most of us are not. However, consider your core values as a human... the consequences of abandoning a good woman who gave you life, and I bet you were not easy all the time, Mom hung in there, you grew up. Sometimes our own life plans get delayed, derailed and revised by the circumstance of our life.
Yes, you are young, and yes, it is time to grow up... it's not without pain. With all the pain life can dish out... I try to consider it's natures way of letting us know we are alive, though I wish it felt better. Take heart, you are not alone, especially in wanting to run. Don't, please.

You are so young and I am sorry you have such a big responsibility when you should be enjoying your college years.

it is time to talk with Mom and possibly your local agency on aging. You need guidance on what to do to make sure Mom has continuity with Caregivers and that will allow you to have more freedom and less stress.

have you and Mom considered assisted living? I had to do this with my parents and it turned out to be the best for all of us. It is at best a part time job but I know that my Mom (Dad passed) has a Dr who visits her, regular staff etc. I take care of all financial and other issues for my Mom but she is happy despite being bedridden.

you are a wonderful daughter and your Mom seems very caring and concerned so I know she will want to make things easier on you.

i really think finding a regular caregiver for Mom is the way to go. I did and agency for my Mom and it was a nightmare. I was in another state and intil the facility was done being built near me we had to have in home caregivers through an agency. There were times they didn't show up, they could never find the key etc.

If it was going to be a permanent situation I would have found a regular day and night nurse.

hugs to you and your Mom

I want to thank you all! I'll find a way. Just so there's no misunderstanding, I'm absolutely not abandoning my Mom. I meant walking away - from caregiving. I'll find a way to make this work. Have great weekend!

I am so sorry you are going through this. I understand your frustration and pain as I am dealing with the same issues with and for my mom for the past three years now. I miss the things I want to do and used to do and plans I had. But this is way more important.

We don’t choose caregiving… it chooses us. It is a very difficult job no one applies for. And no person wants to be dependent on someone else for their care. But now they are. And we are their daughters, the ones the gave birth to and took care of and raised, whom they look to for help, reassurance and loving care.

We are now in this place and time where God can get to our hearts and teach us lessons like giving, patience, forgiveness, understanding, sacrifice, selfless love, and service to others. He wants to develop our character and service ability so that we will become stronger in our own lives.

Caregiving is one of the highest forms of love, and giving we can do for our loved ones, or even those we don’t know. Our parents now depend on us with their very lives as they cannot and do not know what to do or how to take care of themselves. And we must remember they took care of us and raised us all those years when we were helpless and didn’t know what to do or how to take care of ourselves.

Some day you and I may find ourselves in similar health situations as our parent and I pray someone would stay with me and help me through the most difficult time in my life.

It is good that your mom has you in her corner and that you have caregivers coming in. Yes I have to continually train the ones we have too. Reach out to others to build a team to help you with her needs with financial, medical. Legal, etc.

I will be praying for you to find peace and joy in it all and build a stronger relationship with your mom while you can . 🙏🏻❤️

Hi, it's me again... I manage a small, boutique home healthcare agency in South Florida and deal with people who are in similar situations every day. Usually, we can work with the family and the client to provide steady, quality, and loving care to the patient. Some of the tougher cases may take a minute, but there is a Caregiver for every client and a client for every Caregiver. If the agency is unable to find a great Caregiver for your mom, it's probably their fault, not your fault or your mom's. You didn't mention anything about your mom's case or the care she needs, but because you're in college, it's likely she's fairly young and hopefully at least partially self-sufficient. I'd like to offer a few tips that will help you and the agency provide Caregivers for your mom who work.

PRO TIP! If you are paying privately or with Long Term Care insurance, the first question you should ask when calling an agency is, "Do you accept Medicare or Medicaid?" If they say Yes, hang up and cross them off the list. There is a huge difference in the type of care and type of caregivers you will get from a (good) private agency than a government-paid provider.

Do you have a set schedule for care? In an extraordinarily tight marketplace, it's hard to find an "at-will" caregiver. Set up a specific schedule (preferably 6 hours or longer shifts) on specific days. (Flexibility is good, consistency is better!)

Be clear and precise about the tasks and responsibilities your Caregiver will need to take on. Mom needs to be showered, on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. The Caregiver needs to leave three meals in the fridge for the next day. Ask mom what she wants for lunch, don't tell her what she's getting for lunch. Those are the types of directions that leave the Caregiver empowered to provide for your mom and provide your mom's care. Communicate this clearly to the agency and the Caregiver.

Make it clear to the agency that you want one Caregiver (or a small team) taking care of your mom. A different Aide every does nothing except make the agency wealthy.

Don't make the Caregiver, the maid. First, you are paying a lot of money for someone to dust the house, but more importantly, you're taking away from your mom's care. The Caregiver doesn't need to be working up a sweat every minute of every day. A good Caregiver will talk to your mom, ask her questions, and communicate and entertain your mom. Those are the things that will make your mom more comfortable and help her recover faster.

Trust and verify. Have your Caregivers keep a care log and ask your mom for feedback every day. Give feedback to the agency and ask the agency to provide coaching and correction to the Aide - that's their job.

Finally, quit shopping for the lowest price. There is a reason some things are cheap! On the other hand, the agency with the highest price probably has the best salesmen, but not necessarily the best aides. Before you start a conversation with a new Agency, find out who you are talking to. If it's an Account manager, intake manager, etc. Ask to speak to the scheduler or the person who will be staffing your mom instead. If they won't let you do that before you sign the contract, that probably means they are more concerned with their profit margins than your mom's care.

You answered several times, "I'll find a way."
What are you planning to do?

This feeling is understandable and logical. You are a caring person doing a good job but it feels too much. I wish I had a single good answer that would help you, but I don't. The things that helped me in a different caregiver stress situation were talk therapy, CBT, and antidepressants for me, getting help from my brother, and eventually putting our mom in a retirement home. Take care and all the best to you.

It’s not that you don’t want to be a caregiver. You love your mom, and want what is best for her. You will always want to be there to help her.

what you really want is happiness for the both of you. The stress of feeling alone and carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders is wearing you down. I know…although I’m in my 70’s, I am in your situation. There is nothing I would love more than to be able to enjoy my retirement & family. But, like you, I feel stuck.

looking into an assisted living arrangement may be your very best option. They would give your mom excellent care, and allow you to return to having the loving mother/daughter relationship you crave. This is not walking away…this is finding peace for each of you.

I wish you the very best! (I’ve already informed my children I will never live with any of them. I know you understand) God bless you🙏🏻

Don't allow people to play the guilt trip on you. Accepting a task for which you're not qualified will be irresponsible and inmoral. Your love for your mother is not in doubt and it's has nothing to do with your decision.

I understand. I kind of *did* run away in the end, in that we placed her in care home a year ago. That was after having her live with us for nearly 20 years (which drove me nearly nuts even before her health went downhill... because as much as I love her, and as sweet and kind as she can be, she can also be a grouchy nightmare, and I simply wanted control of my life back (as did my hub)). 20 years of her constant presence, including increasing health issues and medical appointments, wore on me because I'm simply not a natural caregiver; I had numerous (private) meltdowns/ near breakdowns, until I was waking up in tears of dread at what the day would bring. Eventually her memory loss, increasing fragility and random behaviour were too much. Yes, I felt I was letting her down and it absolutely broke my heart to take her to the care home (I'd explained and discussed the situation gently and repeatedly with her, and she agreed she needed to go there, but of course in her heart she didn't want to... it was just awful). She's 98, by the way.

Daily life has become much easier, but CountryMouse is right; the worry and the background stress doesn't go away. Visiting her is sometimes okay, sometimes traumatic. I go with gifts and a big smile on my face and give her lots of hugs and always tell her I love her. Then cry on the way home. But I know I couldn't look after her any more; it takes two carers to move her around and get her to eat anything and so on...

If you need to walk away, you should, for your own sanity. I know how hard it is when you love someone but you just can't cope any more. It's easy to say 'there's no need to feel guilty' (and I don't any more, or only a bit), but be kind to yourself and know that you did all you could. We're not all cut out for this journey. xxx

Please take this with the good intent it's meant to be.
I'm trying to think of a way to word it properly but the correct words are not coming to thought.
Your mom sounds like a great person & pleasant to be around, she appreciative & mentally sound.
Sounds like most of your battle is downhill.
It can be very stressful taking care of someone but at least you have the option of help, many of us don't.
Is it you "can't " help or just "don't " want too?
Perhaps putting yourself in your Mom's shoes.....if she could she would.
You have help, contact the company & ask to speak to a supervisor.
Request if they can send the same person/persons out.
I know you want to have fun but it sounds as if you CAN you just need to find the balance.
You have a great Mom & choices, many of us do not.
I look at it this way, my parents took care of me my entire life.
They worked even when they were sick or tired, took care of us, roof over our head, food on the table...went to every school open house, brownie leader..you name it
It's their turn to be taken care of.
Please don't take this wrong but you sound a little selfish - again you need to find your balance.
Thank God my Dad's legally blind, he can't see if I've been crying & I've learned working years for Disney to put on a "show" so he can't tell
On the other hand if my cat could talk...he's a wonderful listener but may rat me out for cat treats.
I came across a wall hanging that I look at everyday "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"
Maybe reading suggestions you can pick & choose advice & find your balance

You absolutely need to restructure the way you care for mom. Your personal health is important and please find time to enjoy your life. If I knew mom's health situation I could offer more help.

Because of many reasons, my health for one, I have stepped away from direct caregiving for my mom and my husband's aunt. They both have part time aides & my sister and my husband are very active participants.

These are the things that have helped me tremendously.
1.Get groceries delivered at a time when an aide is present. Find healthy frozen meals if mom has trouble cooking.
2. change mom's insurance to be eligible for a visiting physician. There are also visiting lab services & mobile x-ray businesses.
3. Have mom's meds delivered and get 90 day refills. All insurance companies have a home delivery pharmacy. Sort into pill boxes for many weeks at a time. Aides can put boxes out when needed.
4. All household supplies I order from Amazon.
5. If mom cannot get to door we placed a lock box on the front door for aides, physicians, etc.
6. Mom needs a life alert necklace.
7. You may consider an in home security camera like "Nest" for when she is alone.
8. For a health crises find a good local ambulance service that could transport her to the emergency room. My mom has a "to go" bag ready with her wallet( no cash or credit cards) and a printed sheet of her meds and health history. Also make sure your contact info is in this sheet. The ER staff will call you.
9. Pay all her bills online and set up auto pay. Discard paper set up so no trips to mailbox.

If mom is not in a senior community she probably should be. They do have independent living apartments depending in her needs.

Good luck to you and I hope you can locate some good reliable private sitters.
We were lucky to find some at a local church.

Hello Sara

I've felt the same way after caregiver for my dad for close to 17 years. Do what's best for you are your mothers relationship. I say this because being in a position that you are incapable of or don't want to do can cause a strain on your relationship. Loving somone is admitting you cant do something and find someone that's equipped to do so. I wish you the best. Sending you hugs.

Your Mom served your every need as a baby. Changed your poopy diapers, you work up with you feedings. Worried her sick in your irresponsible year's. Now she’s probably paying for your college am a 62 year old son that moved into to care for my 99 year young Mom, that has moderate dementia. The issue is not my Mom it’s the low life caregivers, I fired all six of them! Know have a hospice volunteer that is an educated a 66 year young nurse.