I keep trying to tell myself to buck up! Stop being so ….
whatever! The reality is, I just can’t do this, the same WAY,
any longer. I have have no emotional support from 2 sibs, or anyone. They want me to keep on going, and I think they think it’s ME. It’s not me. It’s mom. I couldn’t believe mom’s personality when I first arrived, 4 yrs. ago, and it’s not just dementia. It includes thirty years of self- indulgence and the changes that come with that, after re-marrying and spoiling. It’s one thing to see her on the weekend, but these things didn’t surface til later.
I was about to find a job after caring for a gentleman for 4 yrs. He died. I needed a job, but then mom called saying she could not live alone any longer and wondered if I would come help. So, I came.
To my surprise, she said she’d pay ONLY $500/month after I moved in. I had trusted her to be fair. (She’s worth roughly 2 million).
I tried to negotiate, but no. I asked brother to speak on my behalf, after a year. She agreed to pay $1500/month. But, I could have made twice that if I hadn’t answered her plea. I NEVER, EVER suspected she would not be fair.(avg wage for live-in caregiver in MI is $36k/yr.).
Meanwhile, the best, last years of my life have rolled on, I don’t have the options I had 4 yrs. ago, and I see that I’m nearly sunk as far as earning capacity. Who wants a worn out, cynical old bag at 68? And I don’t feel very good. I am so sad to see this side of my mom!
Mom seems to feel I should serve her. She wouldn’t ask that of her golden child, tho. I have recognized that I’ve been a fool.
I’ve had it. She can’t use me anymore.
I want to get my own place, use her LTC INSURANCE for home care, and maybe have 3 days/wk. to myself. I would set everything up including prepping meals. I could still be here 4/days, because she wants that. iwant you ideas, please.
i don’t want this to end badly with mom, but she’s a very self-centered, entitled lady. It will take some doing to convince her of this plan. Should I care? Maybe not? Do I care? Yes. Please send ideas. Thanks.
Caring that she doesn't like Plan A, accepting that she's going to object to it, is one thing. Step 1, say you succeed in landing a job three days a week: this means you will be away from the house those days, and she will have support supplied through her insurance. Will she like this idea, and agree to it? No, of course not. There will be strangers in the house instead of you. Of course she won't like it, of course she won't agree to it. But will she come to harm? No. Will you be abandoning her? No. Can she, as a matter of fact, stop you? No. So you can regret that she will be required to tolerate circumstances she's not 100% happy about; but that doesn't make it reasonable to give up any hope of this positive change purely because she doesn't give it her blessing.
You do not need her permission. Make a start. Get a job, even if it's only voluntary, even it's not perfect. Find something that takes you out of the house for a fixed, agreed number of hours/days each week. Commit to it for a trial period - 3 months, say, whatever. Contact her insurers and find out what the procedure is to arrange cover. Follow through - do it! You are much more likely to be able to go out of the house *in order to do* something useful than if it is *to get away from* your mother.
What's this about "we have company so I can do nothing right now." You have company? Who are they, the Thought Police? Why should this stop you?
Thanks for your reply. You always make sense to me. Intellectually, I (sometimes) know what to do. But I have spent my lifetime subjugating my needs to mom’s. Truly. She trained me that way, and I am having a hard time getting out of it, even though I feel must.I am so much more educated than she, but smarter? Maybe not. She always gets what she wants, and I fall for it, mostly. It is so very difficult to escape the old traps, rivets, and pathways of her designs and intentions.
I remember reading here, on this site about narcissists. And,
I believed, “no way”. I struggled with that concept for two years, afraid it was true (on the spectrum). Then I read a book which helped me to identify the behaviors. Bingo:
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, by
Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD.
This book helped me identify behaviors which were unhealthy and which I could identify with from early on, without the over-used and now meaningless term “narcissist”. My mother exhibits many traits of an emotionally immature person, and that has affected my life. I remember from early on, thinking I had to protect her and take care of her emotional needs. I didn’t know why, I just knew I had to (abusive dad).
This is not a therapy session, but I am trying to say thank you for your previous comments. Good idea about finding a job or volunteer work.
Mom is declining. Incontinence is increasing. So, I don’t know
if I can prioritize ME over HER right now. But, maybe I can
find a way to get away—volunteering was a good suggestion.
I loved your response—it was so positive, thank you, tho delayed. YES, I am burned out—beyond! As I said to others, without this site and great regular posters, I’m not sure I could even respond to you right now. I mean, it is so difficult, in isolation, to deal with a mother who IS sharp, and who DOES manipulate and try to control Every Little Thing, for heavens sake. And when I arrived4 yrs. ago, I did NOT know how to deal with this. At all. I learned some things. Thanks to you and all.
some days are better than others. But, thank you so much
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/i-find-myself-again-at-this-terrible-juncture-my-sanity-or-moms-care-its-not-an-either-or-set-468182.htm
Your mother needs to use her LTC insurance for Assisted Living which lets you off the hook for caregiving and to lead your own life. That's the best idea you got in June and are likely to get now. What on earth is the purpose of spending so much money for LTC insurance & then not using it????????
Just b/c your mother feels as if you should 'serve her' doesn't mean you SHOULD! Learn to use the word 'no' and mean it!
Good luck!
Do you remember how hard this is/was to initiate? I have read your reply over and over, and keep going back to it. I don”t know why it is so hard, except mom looks at me and doesn’t know what I’m thinking …. She thinks I will always be there.
Hard to start up, I guess. I just need some support right now to get over the hump. We have company, currently, so I can do nothing right now. I just feel completely lost.
Ignore anyone that feels that you should continue to care for your mom. You are the only one that knows what is best for your situation.
I think you should follow your heart. Don’t miss out on your own life. Please know that you are in no way abandoning your mom.
We can hear the love and concerns that you have for your mom. It’s perfectly fine to allow others to take on the major responsibilities of her care. You are still going to be involved, as her advocate. I believe that we often take on the responsibility of caregiving without fully realizing how hard it will become.
If you decide to place your mom, you can return to being her daughter, instead of her primary caregiver. Your load will be lighter, because everything won’t fall directly on your shoulders.
Wishing you peace as you navigate through these changes in your life. Take care.
.
Who has POA. Hoping not you. The person who has it is responsible for making the plans. If they get mad, oh well. You are being used so that their inheritance is more.
GOOD REHAB needs a better place in the lives of our elders.
If ya don’t know what that is, aside from helping folks to help themselves so they feel better about themselves, then hire
PT/OT for some home visits to teach you and your loved one.
There was my spiel, and I live that. But mom doesn’t really “hear me” sometimes. Then I ask doc to order some physical therapy. Then she tells me about the same things I tried to teach her. The “expert” made the difference! All is good, Ha!
Thank you so much for your reply, romana. Sometimes I think I am tipping over the edge, but great replies like yours help so much.
Caring for AND. living with someone, you definitely get to see all the ugly sides of their personality. Not easy.
You can still be a daughter without being her employee.