I’m living with my mother, doing all the work and not getting compensated. Advice?

Hmm, I'm torn on this one. From your description, I'm not seeing that mom that mom needs 24 hour care. It sounds like cooking, cleaning, medication assistance, occasional bathing and laundry which would be assisted living. Depending on her apartment at the assisted living facility that could be 2 to 4k per month, in my area. You said to get an a one bedroom apartment for you and your husband would be at least 2k. I am sure that the additional costs of having an apartment could drive that up to 3k easily. So it sounds like you and husband are likely saving about 3k per month by living there. It also sounds like your son was also living there for about four years by another one of your posts.

I sympathize with you regarding your sister not recognizing the work you do with your mom. I paid one of my sisters to help for a while until she quit coming over and still expected to be paid.

Why can't mom be left alone at all? What are some examples of things she's done that make it so she can't be alone?

You said 'we have no life here. Constant interruptions, questions where we are going (when either of us is able to leave) and my mother smothers me like a child.'
While the above is stressful, it is also part of living with your mother and doesn't mean she needs 24 hour care. A large part of your issue seems to be that your husband is fed up with mom because they are both home 24/7 and lack of privacy. However, it is mom's house and part of what comes with the territory of living with another person. It would be the same with any roommate except maybe another roommate would probably leave the house some.

Does your husband appreciate having a free place to live? Does he understand that has a monetary value as well? Since finances are part of this discussion, has he managed to save any money over the last six years as he hasn't had rent, utilities, cable, internet, garbage, etc. to pay for? If you are saving 3k a month for the last six years, probably more since your son was there for the first four years and 2 bedrooms are more expensive, that is over 200k. Enough to fully pay for a decent home in many areas of the country.

You have a couple options, you could sit down with mom and sis and share everything you do throughout the day and how much that is worth vs. how much money you are saving per month by living with mom. It's important to recognize that you don't deserve any money for simply being present in the home while mom is there too, unless you have proof she really can't be alone at all. My guess is it may come out to where you should get 500 - 1000 cash per month. Or they say no money and then you have a decision to make.

I also think a talk with your husband may be in order. Where does he see the two of you living in the long-term? If you stay with mom, maybe he needs to understand that lack of privacy and lots of inane questions are going to come with the territory. My mom can barely walk, will just wear in her underwear and t-shirt occasionally, is bursting at the seams for conversation when I get home everyday, needs things repeated frequently, needs help with self cares and has moody behavior, but this doesn't mean she needs 24 hour supervision. Does your husband understand your financial position? Maybe you should move to a different less expensive state. In my smallish midwestern town you could easily rent a one bedroom apartment for $650, in lots of small southern towns that would also be a possibility.
If he continues to complain but not really make any changes, you might need to be blunt with him and point while the situation is not ideal, it is still the situation he is in and maybe he needs to make the best of it. Realistically, he is elderly and on a limited fixed income, he can have privacy in an apartment and a lot less money or put up with MIL and have a free place to live. Simple.

My 82 yr old mother sold her small house almost 2 yrs ago and moved in with me. I had to give up my $20/hr job to take care of her full time. We spent down the proceeds from the sale of her house by adding a shower to our downstairs laundry room, getting our HVAC fixed, getting a better used car, etc. She also has paid me $20/hr for 6 hrs/day and 7 days a week. I use that money to pay the mortgage, bills, taxes, food, health insurance, etc. I am 62. I was listed as self- employed caregiver and had SS and Medicaid taxes withheld. My mom had no savings and only receives $472 in SS. Once her proceeds from sale of house reach $2,000 she will reapply for long-term Medicaid. Since she won't have any money to pay me, I can either try to find a job working from home or apply through Easter Seals and have them pay me to be her caregiver. Long- term Medicaid has this program in our state. I don't think they pay as much per hour but I may get extra hours. I'm hoping to stay in my house but may have to downsize as a last resort. Check to see if your state's Medicaid program as caregiving pay through an agency.

Is this your mother's house? Does she have other assets?
I'd advise you to see an attorney and insure a Will and POA is done. If you can 'never leave her alone,' and doing all you are doing, your mother will need to step up and make reasonable financial arrangements... or you'll need to go on strike. She may not know what she has until she doesn't. Tough love.

So both you and your husband are getting social security and you are working PT. I take it that’s not enough for the both of you. Personally that’s your own money.

My oldest daughter and her husband live and take care for both of my parents one with dementia and the other disabled from a stroke( my brother and I also help). They have no real jobs or other income we give them 100.00 each a month. My suggestion is apply for in-home care and be the caregivers for your mother you’ll get a little something or just ask mom. It’s very hard work I don’t know how much you expect to get paid but it also sounds like you need a break too.

Advice is what you asked for, so here's what I see as the options:

Mom needs caregiving; you need $ to live on. So that being the case, one option is to ask mom for compensation for caregiving. There are issues with this, namely, training and your age. A live-in caregiver hired through an agency would cost about 80-100K per year (and they would not be paying rent either); of which the caregiver would take home about 30K more or less these days. Those people are a bit more qualified than you, however, usually 18 months of training, and then experience - years - at assisted living homes, other private caregiving, etc. They know how to treat all the stuff old people get with pains, infections, skin issues, memory care, bathing, cleaning, and are physically able to move them safely when they need assistance. It's more than cleaning house, cooking, and keeping company. A standard shift for a live-in caregiver is on the order 12 hours, of which 8 hours is work and assumed 4 hours of break, per day. That's still a long day. A legitimate concern is whether you, at 67, are able, and willing to do that.

The second option is to ask mom to hire another caregiver besides yourself; and ask mom to let you live in the house for some nominal rent, say $150/month including utilities. You could assist mom in doing that, maybe even privately, which would cut the cost compared to an agency by about 50% (say 40-50K/year). Then you could live off your social security and/or the 3 hours/day as a chef. This is probably better for mom, because she isn't getting any younger and her functioning will decline further, and relatively soon, and it is best that you have a professional in place for that. I have strong feelings that it is better for elderly to remain at home than move to a facility, especially if they don't want to. There are circumstances in which this may, for medical reasons, be necessary...in which case the home (if your mom's) may need to be sold to pay for her care. Aging declines are not necessarily gradual, and can and do occur dramatically with a stroke, a fall, other kind of injuries or illnesses. You need to be mentally prepared for that reality.

The third option is for hubby to work...it's not clear (or I haven't read all the posts)...what he has been doing the last 6 years. Any kind of unskilled job is better than no income.

The fourth option is for mom to just give you money as a gift for you and hubby to live and retire on...not my recommendation...but parents are known to sometimes support their children, even their families.

As far as the sister's "no free lunch" talk, that could include the care for your mom when, as here, the caregiver needs the money. It is true that many relatives caregive for parents for no compensation or, if the parents lack resources, will pay significantly for their care. But in those circumstances, the relatives are sufficiently financially independent to do so. Not so in your case. Ask mom and see what she thinks.

Hi
Your doing a great job for your mom.
Im 63 , I know the feeling of tiredness. Try to cut corners, you don’t have to cook every night, use paper dishes and if you can afford it get pizza .
Your sister has no right to say those things to you , she should be helping you more . No you are not destined to care for your mom because of limited income. No one has to do that. You are in a good place for room and board but no one can keep you there if you want to leave .
Some senior apartments charge you according to your income so that’s always an option.
Think everything over, try to get more rest by cutting some work chores. Everything can’t be perfect.
You have to find ways to help yourself in that situation or you can’t help mom.Try to see some positive,
at least mom can be left alone for small amounts of time.
Call your county board of social services and speak with a social worker. They can find you the help you need

Good luck, take care

NobodyGetsIt, I can't respond to your private message. Thanks for letting me know. I do wish you would stay on this Forum. Glad your mom is doing well. Christmas is so special to us. The Lord Jesus Christ is at the center of our lives. Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year to you and your dear mom.

If it's only some money you're after, check with the person in charge of your mother's social security benefits. A live-in caregiver is paid a small amount thru government funds. About $300 + to preform daily needs like bathing, housework, cooking meals and such.

I would not tell the sister as it's none of her business. Hopefully your mother isn't aware of the resentment caring for her. Life is hard enough without people living with you don't like you. Dig deep and even if you fake it, be ever so kind to her. She's not long for this world......... and, this too shall pass.

You have mentioned all of your duties. What does your husband do?

Woowee, lots of different opinions.

I have a question for you swegner, how often does your mom have doctors appointments?

Because I don't think having to clean the house and prepare her dinner is overwhelming caregiving. I think that you would be doing this in your own home, hopefully, so I am really curious about what is so difficult about what you have to do for her. The way you have worded your duties is minimal and I am wondering if you have left out anything. I know losing the housekeeper is sad and you now have to step up and take care of what mom paid for for the 1st 5 plus years that you lived with her, so maybe you can rehire the housekeeper now that a vaccine is in the near future. Of course at your expense.

Imho, the caregiving wage that you could receive will depend on your mother's financials. Prayers sent.

I take care of my 98 year old mother 24/7 in her own home and I feel board and room is more than enough. I do help with the groceries and I pay the house tax. It makes me feel good I am contributing to the household. My brother pays for some groceries for all of us and he hired a lawn and plow company. I do not feel my mom should pay us for taking caring of her, it is my choice as well as the rest of the family. Everyone's circumstances are different I know. I was brought up by two wonderful parents and what ever I can do to help make my mothers life easier in her older age I will do to the best of my ability. I would say your mom was wonderful to take you both in when you needed a place and support, like one poster said it was not easy for her to give up her privacy either at that time. I agree with NHWM, caregiving is hard no question about it, perhaps sister could share in some of the duties. Have a family meeting and discuss it with her. Sister is out of line in my opinion. Some family members just sit back and do nothing but criticize the caregiver and really have no clue how difficult and draining it actually is. Hope things settle for you all.

Have you checked into public housing. Many cities have apts with rent based on income. As for work, you are currently working 3 hrs a day. You have experience in being a caregiver for your own mom, so you may be able to get work through an agency that would pay a little more (or the same), get you off your feet, and possibly not be as hard on you so could work more hours. Your husband could also do this type of service.

If your mom requires 24/7 attendance, the cost mom would pay for that would exceed the 'freebies' of no rent, etc where you are now. You have to decide if you want to pay rent somewhere or continue on rent free with no pay for mom's care. If you and hubby are serious, then look for small efficiency apt that you could afford. Cut out any non-priority expenses to put toward rent/utilities. Once you are out of the home, even for a brief period, sister may decide your time and care is worth a little something.

I'm sure you know this, but your sister is a b****. Yes, I could have spelled that differently to make it less harsh, but let's be truthful. And the person commenting before me isn't very nice either. But I am curious, what does your husband contribute to the caregiving? You listed YOUR duties, but not his. Yes, we all should have amassed huge retirement savings, but layoffs, economic downturns, recessions, etc. happen. I don't think it's unreasonable to receive some compensation. Just be calm, rational, and very careful about requesting it. I know the last thing you need right now is more work, but try to keep track of what you do on a daily basis for your mother and how long it takes you to do each task. Do this for a week or two. Then prepare a bill using an appropriate hourly rate. You'll be deducting the rent you're not paying from the bill. Before presenting the bill to your sister, request a few days off. Insist that your sister take care of your mother for at least 4 or 5 days before you burn out completely. Then be ready to negotiate.

I love JacobsonBob’s answer on these matters.

I told him that I was going to steal his line.

It’s worth repeating!

Those who don’t do, preach!

They don’t do anything but sit on the sidelines and PREACH to the ones who are doing all of the heavy lifting of caregiving!

For anyone that doesn’t know how hard caregiving is because they have never done it should walk a mile in their shoes!

Let the sister on the sidelines take a turn doing the ‘hands on’ caregiving and she would soon be singing a different tune!

How do I know? Well, I was the heavy lifting, hard working, completely exhausted caregiver, while my brothers sat on the sidelines doing nothing!

I had mom living with me for 15 long years!

Mom wanted her way with everything. She wasn’t willing to compromise. I burned out!

Moms complain to other siblings with embellished stories! Siblings do not bother to get the whole story because they want to remain the ‘golden’ child!

When it gets to that point it is time for compromise from mom or quit caregiving and let the ‘spectators who are only good at criticism’ take over!

My brother didn’t have a clue what caregiving was all about until I dumped it in his lap because he didn’t like how I was handling things.

You better believe now my brother is seeing what I went through. I am sure that he and wife #4 are sorry they ever said a bad word about me because it all blew up in their face, backfired big time!

My mom’s doctors told me over and over what a great job I did caring for mom. That’s all the proof that I needed!

What I’m reading makes me think the “caregivers” are not paying room, board, utilities, insurance or anything else to manage the household and they moved in because they were not able to support themselves. It had nothing to do with taking care of the elder. Now that they are having to provide services and their movements are restricted, they want to be paid. They can’t squeeze into a one bedroom in SF because they have three cats??? I don’t see these folks as wanting to move. They just want the wife’s mother to let them live there free and pay them a salary to boot. They have no savings and the husband is contributing nothing monetarily to the household. The wife is working only part time.

I am with the sister and it IS her business. Just because she did not fall back on her mother to meet all her financial needs as this couple is doing doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a say. If the caregiver had POA and the mother was incapacitated, I have no doubt they’d be paying themselves a salary without the mother’s knowledge if the mother has anything left over after all the household expenses.

Its the husband who won’t get off his duff and work yet he’s the one who is complaining.

it sounds like you are burnt out and need a help .
are there other options you have not explored or considered ?
maybe you all can all move into assistive living ?
It sounds like your sister will never understand because she has never taken care of your mom 24/7. And trying to get her too will only add to your stress .
I am not clear on what your husband is doing except complaining and adding to the stress .
there should be elder services in your county or state .
I suggest speaking to an elder attorney . The elder attorney was extremely helpful to us in understanding options . .A place for mom can be helpful resource .
can mom afford to hire an aid part time to assist with her care? So you can have a break .
Have you considered a change in jobs , something not so demanding .
chef is physically demanding position . maybe a chef in an assistive living ?
I too live in a mother /daughter
my siblings don’t help because they see it has we purchase a home together , it’s my job . I however pay all the household bills including the mortgage .
I wish you luck .

The elephant in the room — it sounds like your sister lives fairly close and doesn’t help at all. Yet she criticizes you has no regard or concern for your well being or health and needs while barely ( if at all) lifting a finger herself. I’ll be bold enough to say it, we all know folks like her can’t be bothered while parent is alive but after your mom passes away one day I would bet no doubt she’ll be first in line like a vulture wanting ‘her share’

perhaps the type of adult children like her is what inspired Saturday night live coined the “land shark” comedy line

Lovely sibling. You and I must be sisters LOL. Yes, mine made the decision to move far away and wash her hands of any potential future issues and besides if they can't take care of themselves, off to assisted living (too stupid to realize the multiple consequences of that) while I am the live-in servant/caregiver. Many have it worse than I so I am not complaining, and yest I decided to stay, so in my mind it's a bit of payback to them for all they have done for me....SHE does not feel shockingly ANY obligation at all to them, and in fact during a recent life/death health crisis of my own she did get here....but then tallied up her expenses to the penny (conveniently forgetting she had mentioned our father HAD given her some money toward the expense...she wouldn't even treat them to a meal or two....Not in a position to advise you...but if your mother is as capable as you indicate, if you wish or need to stay would strongly encourage visiting an elder law attorney for guidance to set up a caregiving agreement, make sure you have your own space, and get a locking handset on the door (with key) so you know you have your own space. Then get what help you can in for those tasks mom still needs YOUR help with to give YOU a break....Meals on WHeels housekeeping/cleaning. Or have it set up so that she is paying for that. Otherwise I'd consider your efforts as "rent money".

In Home
Primary Caretaker- 21hrs/day X $18/hr X 7days/wk X 4wks/mo.= $10,584.00
Secondary Caretaker- 24hrs/day X $13/hr X 7 days/wk X 4wks/mo.= $8736.00
Potential income/mo. $19,320.00
(hourly rates are on the lower side of average)

ALFs- $5500-8500/mo. depending on care needed. "96yrs old, health and cognitive abilities have declined, no longer able to live alone". Mom's probably going pay closer to the higher amount.

Rent for 2 people- $2400/mo.
Living expenses for 2 people- $1800.00/mo,
misc. expenses for 2 people- $600,00/mo.
Potential expenses/mo. $4800.00

In my opinion mom does have an obligation to start paying you and your husband for her care. Your sister is wrong to call you a bloodsucker but that's what siblings do right? And nobody can take us right there like a sibling.
I would call it Financially Irresponsible. Your story includes indicators of your financial irresponsibility. There's sooo much stuff out there to help you clean it up. Lots of it is free. No matter what happens with your mom, you gotta clean that up.
I too am a believer that there is no free lunch. But from my point of view it's your mom who's getting the free lunch. Do some research in your area and discover exactly what your efforts are worth. Then you can decide on an amount. It's just math.

I posted earlier but I want to add a few thoughts that I feel are very important.

Ignore ANYONE that isn’t encouraging or supportive of you.

You deserve to be at peace, and not endure their criticism. You deserve to have your needs fulfilled.

If anyone criticizes you harshly, please don’t hesitate to tell them that if they feel as if they can do a better job than you, that they are certainly welcome to take over and do the never ending, exhausting job of caregiving! That should shut them up!

It was your mom’s choice to welcome you into her home, in your time of need, therefore that has absolutely no bearing on your current situation.

You didn’t force her to take you in! She had the opportunity to say, no that she couldn’t possibly do that.

You willingly helped her during her time of need and it became an enormous burden.

You have done this WITHOUT any COMPENSATION for it! That is extremely generous of you!

You definitely deserve payment for your caregiving!

Either resign or see an attorney to set up an agreement to be paid. You can’t complain either if you are accepting this arrangement with her.

Ask a social worker to assist in showing you how to be paid if you continue in a caregiving role.

If not, move out and make plans to live on your own one way or another. Investigate ways for your husband to earn an income. Become as proactive as possible.

Furthermore, if your mom had to hire full time live in help it would cost her a fortune!

So, she really can’t complain about anything. She has clearly had the better end of the deal!

Maybe she should be placed in elder care (a home) where the STATE can retire ANY assets she may have. Now, does that give you a clearer picture? I am not being cruel. Your sister is partly right. Your husband needs to go to work and stop manipulating you in this situation.

So, you have lived there 6 years and have been helping with her care the last 4. She had a housekeeper she paid $60 a week to, thats what maybe 4 to 5 hours a week, right?

Yes, you deserve to be paid and not pay rent. So if I were you, I would say, screw the last 6 years and have an open slate. So, I would have mom pay you $10 to $12 an hour. In addition, have her hire an aide for 4 hours a week at night for date night and for one weekend a month to "get away". With the money you earn, you could get a room for a night or 2.

I would not deal with your sister.

I understand and feel for your situation. Your sister does not appreciate the demands upon you from your mother. There are alternatives to you being the care giver. Why not bring in nursing professionals to be your mother assistance. Under some programs, the nurses charge nothing.

Wow, you have such a wonderful mother! She helped you, I think it is right that you help her now. But you can get some financial help for caring for her yourself. It depends on your state. It is not unusual for states to help pay for home care. Check to see if there is an IRIS program or something similar in your state. Your sister is correct that you should be grateful. I was homeless when I lost my job 5 years ago. You are very LUCKY to have your mother take you in for all this time. Be grateful to her and help her. Your husband needs to help too and not put all the work on you.

Like Nonnie517 mentioned - here in NY we have a Medicaid program which allows the applicant to receive in-home care from a relative with the relative being paid as much as $18/hr. Don't know anymore than that. It WOULD be worth checking wherever YOU live!

Have you checked with your Department of Human Services regarding compensation?  In Arkansas, we have AR Care, which pays for in home care by the person your parent chooses, which can be you if you qualify.   There is paperwork and a background check involved and it takes about 3-6 months for approval.  They send a nurse to evaluate your mom's needs and determine how many hours she qualifies for and they set the compensation rate.   And your sister doesn't have to know anything about it....  Hope this helps - have a blessed day!

I can’t believe how selfish some of the responses are. Whatever happened to families taking care of one another? Your mother took care of you when you were growing up. Now it’s only right that you take care of her when she needs you most. I understand needing a break now and then, so see about hiring someone to come in a few hours a week to help out. Check with Senior Services in your area to see what assistance they can provide.

Your mother allowed you and your husband to move in with her when you were down and out. You chose to lose your privacy, and your marriage was already stressed. Stop blaming your mom and sister for your problems.

Living rent free for all these years has been a boon for you and your husband. I’m sorry that your husband can no longer work, and it sounds like 3 hours a day work for you cannot go on much longer because you are no longer physically able. Perhaps you could find a job more suitable to your limitations.

You may want to think about how you two will live after your mom passes, but your sister is right…” There is no free rent”. Social Security is not much, but as long as you’re not paying rent you may want to start a savings account. You will be needing that sooner than you think. Rents are outrageous in your area.

Be thankful that you have had your mom longer than most people have their parents in their lives. Care for her and give her the love and support that you would want from your child or loved one. She doesn’t owe you anything. You still have a roof over your head, food and clothing. 

You have a great deal to be thankful for. Good luck to you and your family. Stay safe.

I think that you need to look at the real benefit that you and your husband have enjoyed for 6 years and be realistic about what you are owed.

You buy groceries, cleaning supplies and paper products. Well, there are 3 people in the house and I know from experience that it costs less to feed 1 person when adding it to the grocery bill of 2.

Yet you pay no rent, no utilities or property taxes or homeowners insurance and you seem to think that you shouldn't pay rent because your mom paid for her home in full. Oh and you enjoyed the benefit of a cleaning lady that your mom paid for until covid shut that down less then a year ago.

You moved in when you were in need and she allowed that, I promise you that she felt like she didn't have any privacy when she opened her home to you and your husband in your hour of need. It is not easy on anyone to have other people move into their home, I don't care how helpful they are, it is a huge deal.

I think that your sister has a bit of a point and you should look at the years that you took your mom's help and didn't have to do anything but buy groceries, paper products and cleaning supplies. If you even did that in the beginning.

You really have benefited greatly from her graciousness in allowing you and your husband to live in her home free of charge for years before she needed a helping hand, it is time for a little pay back for all she did for you two when you were in dire need.

Your not paying any bills so that is a blessing. Is your mother paying all the bills?
Sometimes it is better to pay bills and have your own privacy. It is hard to take care of a very elderly parent. My mom is 82 years old and is together mentally but her body hurts all the time and she needs tons of attention which is hard to do when I hold down a career, son and my own life.