Follow
Share

My mom has been my best friend and now I don’t recognize her. She finally moved in with me. So, now my life has changed from work to a social life. It’s hard when you are by yourself trying to do everything thing right and at the same time so mad at your mother because she’s not the person she use to be with me. I need to understand why I have anger and how to organize myself and her so life can be doable for both of us.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Hi, I was the same way not even realizing I was angry and acting angry. I finally figured out I was angry at my Mom because I wanted her to stay my Mom, my same Mom! I was mad at her for letting this happen. Sometimes I was mad at her because deep down I didn't believe she had anything wrong with her. I couldn't understand all day long why she couldn't do things that were so simple! When I think back on my behavior (and with more understanding of this wretched disease) I just cringe at the things I did and said to her. My Mom was always my best friend too, always. I confided in her about everything. My son died in a car accident a year and a half before she moved in with me and I couldn't talk with her about my son and that was really, really hurtful. Things are still hurtful like my Mom not remembering my brother who died and sometimes not remembering my son or my husband (he died right before she moved in with me). My Mom always helped me, talked with me and advised me with so much love. These are huge adjustments and huge hurts for all of us and I didn't adjust too well. My other brother and I took my Mom out of assisted living at the beginning of the pandemic. Only in the last 4 or 5 months have I finally come to a weird acknowledgement/acceptance with this disease and what it has done to my Mom. With her disease advancing so quickly over the last couple of years I am learning (still learning) to appreciate what I have with her each new day with the realization that tomorrow may not be as good. I think also understanding and realizing how terrified my Mom has been, living in such a confusing and very scary world, has opened my eyes and my heart and softened my anger to almost nothing at this point. Also really understanding and believing she isn't doing any of this deliberately or on purpose was helpful. Based on my experience and people in general, I feel our anger is such a normal response. We just need to identify and redirect the anger in a more productive and kinder way. (So easy to say!) Be gentle with yourself - this journey that no one asked to be on - can be hell and very painful at times. Other times it can be full of love and laughter and that is what we need to try to hold onto. Love to you and your Mom.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
lealonnie1 Dec 2022
I think you did a great job explaining the why's associated with being angry about a dementia diagnosis of a loved one.
(2)
Report
I love the explanation that Peace gave.

I could say that I could have both posted what she wrote (well, not the best friend part) and at the same time, I’m STILL angry.

Now, though, with the help of the good people on this site, I understand that it’s just plain GRIEF. Grief all we have both lost, and for the ongoing, one-sided caregiving that seems like it will have no end.

I imagine that that part of grief will linger for me until she passes, and then however long THAT needs in order for it to dissipate.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I think peace4all did a great job explaining the anger involved with a dementia diagnosis of a loved one. You may also be feeling a bit angry because now your entire life is uprooted since mom has moved in with you. Do you understand how to care for an elder with dementia? All the details involved? Most people don't. There are so many issues involved, from incontinence to refusing to bathe to wandering out the front door at 2am, possibly meaning you'll have to install locks high up on the exterior doors of your home to keep her safe.

I suggest you read this 33 page booklet (a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.

The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2


The 36 Hour Day is another excellent reference type book to have on hand for when you have questions crop up.

Teepa Snow has great how-to videos on YouTube that are used to train caregivers who work in Memory Care Assisted Living environments. She has great tips for you as mom's caregiver.

Alz.org is the Alzheimer's website which provides an 800 number you can call to speak to a person about your questions and concerns. They also have a good chat forum there.

Keep a list of caregivers on hand or an agency to use so you can get respite...you'll need to for your own sanity. Remember that Memory Care Assisted Living places provide respite care for a week or 2 for mom when you need it. Look into mom's Medicare spplemental policy to see if any respite care is paid for and if it's at a Skilled Nursing Facility or where.

Remember that your life matters too, not just mom's. If you feel angry and burned out, ask for help before you lose your cool. We're all human and DO lose our patience sometimes, especially when asked the same question 100x in 10 minutes. Dementia is a very frustrating condition for everyone to deal with, that's for sure. I know.....my mother suffered from it for 6 years before she passed in February. She lived in a Memory Care Assisted Living apartment so I've been down this road for awhile now.

Wishing you good luck and Godspeed.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

We become sad and angry because we start the grieving process long before they actually die.

It takes us by surprise because we don’t want to consciously admit to ourselves that we are grieving for the person that we are caring for.

The truth is that we have already lost the active and healthy mothers that we once had.

When they do die, we are sad but happy that their suffering is finally over.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter