My 80 year old husband has endstage COPD and heart failure. He just sits all day and doesn't even try to do anything. Well before he got this bad he had an affair that devastated me. I was about to leave, then his health took a turn for the worse. I am only 63 and have had cancer twice and got zero help from him. Now I feel trapped taking care of him. I so want to move on with my life, but since we have been married 35 years responsibility is overwhelming me. I don't know what to do.
It’s horrid feeling trapped so I get that.. why not take a vacation by yourself to get away for a bit? Come back refreshed, restored?
You can start taking time for yourself every day. Just because he sits around doing nothing all day - which is what end stage COPDers do - does not, in my opinion, mean you have to keep him company. Find 2-3 hours each day at a time when he's napping or otherwise settled into doing nothing, and go do something. Getting out of the house is the first step toward living your life again. You are only 63, and there are many opportunities out there to enjoy.
Check into Medicaid for longterm care. You would be considered the Community spouse and not be made impoverished. He will eventually need more care than you can give him.
I agree. If he just sits, get out of the house. I also would do no more than I had to for him. When he starts needing help going to the bathroom or becomes incompetent, then he is ready for LTC.
I would never marry anybody poor or broke. So if he's got some money..I'd stick with him. Otherwise see a divorce lawyer, get a job, and start living your own life. PS: You cannot get Medicare until you are 65. AND If you divorce and he dies, you may not get any of his Social Security. You better check on that with a good lawyer. It's not about love...it's all about the MONEY.
Good luck.
Move on with your life while you still can. That's not responsibility, that entrapment and you're doing it to yourself.
A lawyer is also a counselor (legal counselor), and talking to one regarding all that has gone on and continues to occur would also be beneficial for you. An Elder Care Attorney has heard it all! They also are well-skilled in giving you the best legal counsel for your needs at this time in your life. It will cost money, but you have the right to use yours and your husband’s money to pay for this extremely important help.
I have a sister who has lived with an abusive spouse for 40+ years (minus the 6 months when she left him and then returned). If she were to say to me that she was finally ready to leave, I would help her do just that.
We don’t know all the details in people’s lives (it would be too brutal to know much of it), so I have learned not to be judgmental when it comes to people’s marriages or divorces. I’ve also learned that women can be easily convinced that it’s OK to live with abuse—after all, the abuser will constantly say that he’s going to change and the wife will on some level believe it. There’s also the fear of having to make it on their own, so they just stick with the abuse and accept that they at least have a roof over their head and some food to eat.
I ask because we all make mistakes, this is a doozie to be sure, but if it was a moment of weakness and he is truly sorry for it then I feel like he deserves to be forgiven. If he was living a lie and having another life with this person and then he got sick and she dumped him, then maybe he needs to have his care provided by someone else. I think that looking at what would have happened had he not gotten ill will help you decide if you can provide what he needs.
I wouldn't suggest that you pick up his slack, hire the work out and if it isn't affordable then let it go.
Do you know where you stand in his will or trust? I ask because you don't need anymore surprises from him.
Please seek out a counselor that can help you forgive his transgressions, not so much for him but for you. He destroyed a trust that will never be regained but he didn't destroy your love for him or you would have already been gone. You have to live with your choices, as does he. Choose whatever you can live with.
I agree with others who suggest getting a clear idea of your legal rights, financial picture, and options for his care before you take any action. Think and plan carefully.
And take time for yourself - friends, relaxation, exercise- every day in as many ways as possible. You need to build up your energy.
The reason I ask is that you're feeling trapped, and from your tone of voice you are also plain exhausted. I'm guessing that this has been going on too long and some straw has just broken your back.
Forget the affair. Forget the payback. This is about what you want to do *now*.
Has your husband been evaluated for hospice? Would you consider transferring him to a hospice facility or a nursing home? When did you last get a real break?
But if you wait - it's all yours, unless a will has been drafted to another. Most surviving spouses get all. For his behavior... Work on healing yourself. After he's gone, you will want that peace of mind and honorable behavior. You were the bigger person. Think about the life to come and let it help ease your pain now. Best of luck to you and be strong.
I am in same boat as you, pretty much. Hubby of 30 years cheated more than once, practiced control and emotional blackmail daily. Last 10+ years has been retired, living with Parkinson's and last 3 years dementia also. He has not helped with anything for about 8-10 years. Some days he can't think or do anything, some days are better and he can get by with assistance. Best thing is he is easier and more pIeasant to live with. I am 63 year's young and am planning for my life "after Bert". I still work full-time, have assumed all responsibilities of home and family life, see a counselor, pay in-home part time caregiver help, pay a once weekly housekeeper, attend 2 monthly care giver support groups, belong to this online caregiver support group, schedule a social life, foster dogs and volunteer with dog rescue, and am planning a big 2 week cruise and land tour package to Alaska and Canada. Hubby will be going to respite care in NH for the 2 weeks and two dog friends will live in my home and care for my and their own dogs (one week each). I must have a life balance and plan to survive this long term caregiver role. It is never easy, but you need a support circle and plan for your future when this role ends. I may be in this role for another 10 years, but I will feel good about my commitment to hubby and even better when I have the life insurance to pay off the mortgage and his SS benefits which pay higher than mine.
Hugs and good luck to you and your choice.
I admire how you have kept a structure & a routine....and living a full life.
You won't lose by doing the right thing by "Bert" either....
And this sickness & incapacity of the body has forced Bert to look at himself...I am sure he didn't like what he saw....so now he is sweeter to you...I am happy for you
I take care of my Grumpy Grandpa......its the most difficult thing I have ever done...somedays I can keep it together...like you do...(you make it sound like ice skating....quick smooth & graceful :)'
Somedays when he's abusive I fall apart & scream & cry
I just keep us both as healthy as possible....and do my very best
"When you give, you are not the giver, but the witness of life giving to itself"
Kahil Gibran author
Book
The Prophet
I said I would feel guilty. I.
*** and I have no idea where many of you read the original post as someone needing help getting her “due” from his earnings/social security/etc.. Guess I missed that completely 🤷🏼♀️