My mother wakes up almost every morning at 3 a.m. and grabs a bowl of cereal or oatmeal and a cup of coffee. She then turns on the TV loudly and my room is right next door. She has a glass table so every time she puts the coffee cup down or the bowl I hear it. I am grouchy because I never get a full nights sleep. I just wonder if I can leave her alone for a night so I can go home and get some sleep!!!! She is also having strange embarrassing moments in front of guests. I just wonder how far along she is with her dementia. Any thoughts.
You sound exhausted. You need to get some rest.
No, of course you shouldn't leave her alone to get respite for yourself, not with dementia at play! Get her into a local Assisted Living facility for a week so you can get a break and know she's safe and well cared for at the same time.
Safety is especially an issue if there is any wandering, forgetting to turn off stoves, danger of putting the wrong thing in a microwave, fire safety, leaving water on and etc.
Since it appears you technically do not live with your Mom, you can call the Local County Area of Aging for a needs assessment to be done . I did this with my mother who lived alone and like your mother had dementia and refused to go into a facility and thought she was independent . My mother would not go to the doctor either . The social worker from the Agency of Aging came and spoke with my mother and determined she was not safe living alone. It was determined that she needed 24/7 supervision . The social worker said my mother could not “ come up with a plan “ when she was given certain scenarios , like what to do in a fire , or the house flooded etc. They assisted in getting Mom placed in a facility .
When you call them tell them she lives alone and you can’t stay there anymore. If this does not work you could try APS . Again tell them she lives alone. Whatever you do , do not move in and make your Mom’s house your legal residence . Also do not move Mom in with you at your house. That would make it difficult to get her out of the home if you live together.
This is one way to get her removed and in a facility is by calling one of these I stated above and tell them that she lives alone and you don’t think she’s safe .
The other way., is if Mom ends up in the ER / hospital for some reason ask to talk to a social worker. Tell them the same thing she lives alone, you can’t be with her 24/7 and it’s an “ unsafe discharge “.
They will try to tell you to bring her home and promise help. But it won’t be enough , nor would it be overnight.
Just keep saying you can not care for her any longer and it’s an “ unsafe discharge “.
My DH would come home from a tough night with her and go off about how 'crazy' she was--I'd simply reply, "Hon, she's not crazy. She has dementia."
It was not until the kids finally had her assessed for placement in a ALF did they find out that they were all ignoring the obvious. She was not only demented, she was a 4+ level of care--meaning she couldn't even be alone for an hour, let alone live 'independently'.
She kicked up a huge fuss, as was expected and in the end, only lasted 8 days at the ALF. Sadly, due to their lack of knowledge and refusal to look at the truth, she was probably far more miserable than she needed to be. Ignoring the dementia and just trying to placate her was awful.
I can't imagine that any family will want to help. You're going to have to find somewhere to place her where she can be safe and you can have your life back.
This must be a priority in your life.