He is verbally abusive and on top of all of that I am trying to keep up with the house and yard because he has alienated the whole family and at the same time I am trying to take care of my 81 yr old mother that has not left the house since the pandemic started.
You don't say what is wrong with your husband so I really can't offer any solid solutions.
Your mother, well, might be time for her to go into AL, take some of ythe load off of you.
You cannot care for 2 people. Since he is the worst of 2 evils, he goes.😊
If you don’t separate, this is the rest of your life, laid out for you to see. On top of that, it sounds as though you have more love for your mother than for this man, and that he is a part of your problem of feeling alienated from your family.
See a divorce lawyer for advice first, then go ahead giving your own life priority. That’s the “help” you almost certainly need right now. If you have joint bank accounts, open one in your own name and split the balance – joint accounts are often cleaned out immediately when divorce is first mentioned.
Check the coronavirus community level in your area. Your mother requires professional help and medication for her anxiety of coronavirus, can be via Zoom. Does or can she have her updated booster vaccines to keep her out of the hospital? If not, contact her doctor to get protection.
My best advice is to please plan an exit for yourself. Tuck away your share of funds discreetly and consult an attorney. You say he is not mobile so I would imagine calling an ambulance to transport him to ER would be the way to eventually transition him to a facility that is equipped with skilled professionals to meet his needs. Be ready for his wrath, social worker pressure with lofty promises for home care help, etc…. Insist home is not safe for him anymore. You’ve done more than enough and earned some peace.
You don’t mention what your Mom’s situation is , whether or not you need help taking care of her or can’t take care of her. Does she live with you as well ?
Like all things in this life, nothing is going to be free. If you own your home may have to sell it and move somewhere smaller. You may have to get by on less income if your husband is placed. You may have to get a job to bring in money to pay for your expenses.
There are choices out there for you. The way you're living now does not have to be the only life you can have.
If it's gotten to the point that you had to jail your husband ---- you need to get a divorce. Yesterday.
The only reason I can imagine that you continue to live with him, is financial. You feel you need to be in that house, and your Mom benefits too, since she lives there too. They (husband, Mom) need to hire caregivers, but I guess they have no money, otherwise you would have hired already. The fact that your children hate you, means something is very wrong ---- adult children aren't that easily manipulated to the point of hating a parent, unless something wrong happened.
1. I hope you can smoothen things out with your children asap.
2. I suggest you get a divorce.
Ask Adult Protective Services to help place your Mom.
Please get that old paperback book, "When I say No, I feel guilty."
I had equipment provided by Hospice that enabled me to SAFELY care for him. At first I had a Sit To Stand then as he declined I had to transition to a Hoyer Lift.
If caring for him is not safe for you or if it is not safe for him the best thing to do would be to find Memory Care facility for him. This is not an easy decision but if something happens to you while you are trying to care for him who will care for both of you?
The other side of this is if your husband is getting abusive it might be time to place him. In some cases it is the start of getting physically abusive. With dementia normal filters for acceptable behaviors can drop so someone that was never abusive before may lash out.
If placing him in Memory Care is not an option I suggest that you get caregivers in to help you. Even 3 days a week for 5 or 6 hours will help you a lot.
If your husband is a Veteran the VA may provide some help. And to help you out ore the VA can now pay spouses to care for the Veteran.
If he's not walking just because he had an issue that made him too weak to walk, then ask his doctor to get you some in-home physical and occupational therapy to start working on lower and upper body strengthening. Perhaps with a little exercise he could transfer to a bedside toilet or to a wheel chair to get out of bed.
You might contact family anyway and ask if they can just help you with things that don't pertain to his care - yard work - to help YOU not him. Also might be time for you to have a fake back injury (before you really have one) to 1) pay for home health...in the event he's being a tightwad with the money or to 2)tell him he has to go to facility care for a while while you recover (and he can attend the exercise classes there to get himself in better shape).
Any chance that all three of you could go to a multi level care facility? Mom and you might do ok in assisted living apartment/housing while hubby might need higher level of care. Everyone would still be in close proximity but you'd get the help you need for hubs. Again, that all might depend on income
DO NOT allow your husband to verbally abuse you regardless of whether he’s ill or not, and you should follow the advice that’s given to you here on this forum. It sounds like your husband has psychological problems and he’s taking out his frustration on you. You need to walk away from this abusive situation before you become ill and then there won’t be anyone to take care of you. You are worthy to have peace in your life.
Those are all excuses.
I didn't in any way suggest, "talking about it". I said, I'm surprised every time, when OPs can't be bothered to say "thanks for your time replying"...
That takes literally 5 seconds.
ONE message from OP to everyone, saying, "Thanks for your time replying."
I agree that it would be nice if posters would reply. Who knows what the situation is?
There are several posters who post and don’t return. Also, this site has had technical issues lately.