I asked if she could feed herself, and they said yes. But she was so stiff, I couldn't even get her arm up so she could grab her burger. They told her family she is having trouble swallowing. She is skin and bones. I fed her and she ate at hamburger, tater tots, a yogert, a full banana and a cookie and enjoyed every bite. Are they covering for the fact that she is not being fed, explaining her emaciation. She is not long for this world, and maybe they are helping it along. Is this standard practice? I also tried to readjust her legs, and couldn't even move them. This is disturbing.
complaint dept and tell them what you saw. you don't have to be family to file a complaint and maybe this place needs to have there eyes opened by higher up authorities. cant hurt can only help.....
I recently began a bereavement group for adults who lost a parent. For me it was 6 months ago, others up to a year. It's run by a hospice agency, and it's not necessary to have been a client of theirs. It's free. I have found great relief sharing what I struggle(d) with, and hearing I am not alone! We are 6 women. I look forward to it a lot. You may need to look around, calling different ones. I also found that a local hospital runs a group out of their Chaplain's office.
You are suffering not only with grief, but post-traumatic symptoms. Your mother was ill-treated, and you suffered witnessing it and being unable to change it (and the guilt that accompanies all that). You need and deserve support and professional help, even tho you have every right not to trust anyone.
I found a Facebook group that has been great support. It's called Aging Alone, and people share fears like yours, and sometimes helpful ways to cope. I hope you'll join us. Yes, you are alone. I too am alone. Why not be alone together, at least online? Take good care.
We should all have concerned friends like you. Hugs! Hope it turns out well for your friend.
I would give mom water every time I was there. They don’t keep a water container by the bed for residents. Sad. How much more basic can you get than water?
IF she’s having trouble swallowing then they should be feeding her to make sure she doesn’t choke !
Sounds like a typical under staffed nursing home - without close family checking by visiting daily over meal times - and the usual bs if phone and enquire. I went regularly to check what was being given and if eating it,
Hospital was much the same - aunt went in via A&E re not eating. I went first thing next day. She had been moved to a ward. She no longer knew me as anything other than “the kind chauffeur”. I waited for the doctor - who ignored me and proceeded to try and question my aunt - after each failed reply - I’d answer the question. Then at the end as he tried to leave I said I had just one question for him. So he stopped and I asked when my aunt last ate. He couldn’t tell me. I pointed out that that was the reason for her admittance and that she had now gone at least 49 hrs without food to my knowledge ...
i visited at lunch time - she’d been moved to a side room re calling for the toilet. Above her bed was a “no fruit, no vegetables” sign. A nurse slopped a plate in front of my aunt and I called her back and pointed at the sign. The main meal was cauliflower cheese with peas and potato followed by apple crumble! I pointed out my aunt could just have the melted cheese and crumble - if she were eating then.... they said it wasn’t down to them and went. Half an hour later they took the uneaten food away. I left and came back with a flask of chicken broth, a spoon and a bowel. I poured a small amount into the bowel and gave my aunt the spoon. I talked to her and did distraction therapy and kept re filling the bowel every so often. It took a long time. I did that every day for at least 2 meals. I couldn’t do more as I was working too.
just before she returned to the home - the hospital started advertising for volunteers to feed patients - but they needed “training by the nurses” first - hmmm what in - how to ignore instructions and a non eating patient ?! Needless to say I didn’t volunteer !
#1 My great aunt, following a 2-day delay during which the rank dressing on her leg ulcer was intentionally ignored - "we can't do wound care in Adult Assessment" - was admitted to a Rehabilitation Ward. She was in a bay of eight beds, the ward had a second bay of eight beds, all full, sixteen patients in total. In there for "rehabilitation." She had been prescribed codeine for her pain, but no laxative, so she was constipated, which given her injury - a pelvic hairline fracture - was agonising; and she was hallucinating but thought she was losing her mind because she had not been warned of the common side effects. On that ward, which we visited several times over several days, we saw two nurses. Count them: two. One, a Spanish-speaking lady, was tearing around like a blue-arsed fly, never stopped, always had her hands full. The other, whom I approached to ask for help for another patient but rapidly backed off, was sitting at the nurses' desk reading the job ads in the Nursing Times: we helped the patient back into bed ourselves and found her a pillow.
#2 Just before Christmas, my mother had a stroke. She was admitted through the ER to a stroke ward. It was crammed to the rafters, every bed occupied, not an hour between patients being discharged and the new arrivals. For the ten days that she was there, I visited once or usually twice daily. She was clean, her hair was brushed, her bed was tidy, her water jug was full, she was comfortable and she was helped with her modified diet. Demerits: her thickened tea looked like frogspawn, because the thickener hadn't been mixed in correctly; and the crème caramels I brought for her remained unopened in the fridge except when I gave them to her - but I wasn't complaining.
These were both massively overstretched NHS wards. If there is one single difference, it must be in the leadership of a unit. If the leader shrugs and says "oh well what can you do" then nothing will be done because the staff feel that nothing is expected of them. If the leader sees patients as the priority, the staff will not stop until the best possible has been done for those patients. It is ALL about the attitude of the leaders, and THEY are the ones who need to be held to account.
I don't mean the poor nurse or team leader in charge of the ward or the floor or the facility during a given shift, either. I mean the people whose BMWs are parked round the back, office hours only.
People, check your loved ones on a regular basis. Not feeding patient is BS. They didn't want to stand there and hand feed someone, becuase they have more patients to "feed".
I am going to see my aunt tomorrow. Thank you for waking me up.
Nursing home - complain to the ombudsman. The directors I have dealt with - well, the word rhymes with witches.
I have no good advice for you--just support!😢
What happened to human compassion in this world? Human rights?
It really sounds like they are just dropping the food off and then picking up later, noting it wasn't eaten and when questioned are blaming it on swallowing issues??? It doesn't make any sense, especially with the foods provided.
Although it should be the NH task to feed this poor woman, unless raising holy hell changes anything, she will continue to lose weight. Is there any way to find someone local who can be there at meal times to either ensure the staff feeds her or to feed her themselves? Could you and her sister alternate once/week each? I know it is a long way to go (mom's condo was about the same distance, helping her and then spending a good part of almost 2 years going there over and over to get it cleaned out, fixed and sold took a huge toll on me!) Get her son to at least show up to ensure someone feeds his mother? Is that too much to ask of him? If he is working, perhaps at least one meal/day. The daughter isn't local, but if she is the POA she needs to be the one to raise the most hell with the place. Some volunteer from a local church or senior center? Hire an aide (shouldn't need to pay for more help, but the poor woman needs to eat!) for mealtimes? Somehow someone needs to be there to at least observe what is going on. You did say they had no inkling that you were going to be there, so using the swallowing and your presence were their lame excuses. If not one is there to see, they can get away with murder (it isn't in their best interest really to lose patients, but lazy is as lazy does and there is a lot of lazy in the US these days!)
Ombudsman for elder care
Also go to
Long term care licensing
I had a problem at a nursing home and my sister made complaints and the home was fined and staff had to go to trading classes
You must be very specific as to what happened
please for your friend and others who can’t speak for themselves contact someone
I finally got them to feed my dad each meal every day. filing a complaint against them I am sure helped.
I understand that they are always understaffed but that is no excuse . I have seen so many people in the home with plates that weren't even touched because they couldn't do it themselves.
this is so wrong. I am not saying all staff members are no good, but a lot of them just don't care. they are there to collect a paycheck that's it.
the final straw was when I got there one day my dad had bruises and cuts all around his neck as if someone was chocking him. the supervisors couldn't imagine where it came from she said. I couldn't leave my dad and mom in that place any longer. in my opinion, it was all pure neglect.. I packed their bags called an ambulate and took them to my house. they did so much better and gained weight....
editing to add-thanks cwillie! I initially misread and thought ombudsman was telling the OP to have a care plan meeting! My apologizes!