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Mom never wanted to leave her apartment but she could no longer be left alone due to safety concerns and medical issues. Here we are 2 months later and all she wants to do is be left alone. Her dementia has worsened in such a short time. She just started putting her coat on and walking out the door late at night. We of course stop her but it goes on all night.
She has not yet been prescribed any medication for her depression, suspicious/ paranoid, anxiety state. Can’t get visit with her neurologist for 2 months and her primary is hestitant to prescribed medication since she takes many meds for BP. Aricept and namenda didn’t work for her due to side effects. I am looking for a dementia specialist at this time. I feel I’m looking at having to place her in a home which I knew would most likely happen down the road but not so soon.
Does anyone have any advice for medication that may help her behavior/ anxiety? And if medication does help her should I still seek placement?
My husband is at his wits end caring for her and I’m approaching the end of my rope too. We both thought we could handle her ourselves since we’re both retired. My husband is not willing to have home care aides in our home and the fact that my mom never wanted to come and live with us and refused nursing home puts us in a difficult position. Any advice?

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She may have declined significantly since the move but it is also possible she was able to hide it better without 24/7 observation. Finding a gerontologist and/or a geriatric psychiatrist may be the key to better medication but it can be a long, slow process of trial and error to find something that helps.
As for the move to a memory care or nursing home - I can pretty much guarantee you that nobody living in one was jumping for joy at the thought of moving there but unfortunately they are a necessity.
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Well, this is a familiar story, care taking in ones home is not a very good option.

It is no longer what she wants, it is about what she needs...for her care. I would place her in MC.

Do you have her Durable POA? If not, I would take care of that as soon as possible. Then you can have a say in her well-being.

Your first responsibility is to your husband, not your mother. She has lived her life on her own terms, and you need to do this too.

If she needs assistance apply for Medicaid, if not, then she will be self pay.

Good Luck!
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Although it is sad to have to recognize that you made a mistake in having your Mum come live with you, it is good that you recognize your limitations.

Why is your husband against having care aids come into the home? Is it because he thinks if you get care in, she will never leave? Or is it that he does not like strangers in your home? If the latter, please put your foot down and tell him it is to help you. Can you imagine the problems you may face in the future, if he is unwilling to have care aids in the home, should either of you need care?

Your Mum has ALZ, she does not get to choose where she lives. It is up to you to ensure she gets the care she needs, but it definitely does not have to be in your home or hands on care provided by you or your husband.
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It is my opinion you should seek placement. Medications are iffy, problematic, need adjustment, often have side effects of falls and etc and are best managed in a memory care situation.
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Barbrany3, in the mean time, try this to help stop your Mom from trying to go outside at night.... I read where at night place a black throw rug in front of the exterior doors. For a person with Alzheimer's/dementia, that rug looks like a large hole and would be afraid of falling into that "hole".
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Dementia is progressive. It's only going to get worse, even if you get a bit of relief when she is prescribed meds for anxiety and delusions.

Get bolt locks that you place high up out of her reach. Have you tried Melatonin for sleep?

Make sure that the neurologist has you on a cancellation list.

If she begins acting out, call 911 and have her taken to the ER. Refuse to bring her home and work with the social workers to get her placed
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Time has come to tour a few facilities near you to see which one is a good fit. Either get Nurse Assessment-PRI & take it to Admissions or take her to ER & tell them you can’t handle or manage her. She’s a wonderer...the SNF will put a bracelet on her to prevent her from going too far ...& not allowing her to leave floor . Talk to ER dr & Social Worker there to have her placed. Hugs 🤗
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Well, if your husband 'is not willing to have home care aides' in your home, and you're both at the end of your rope, you only have one choice, and that is to place mother in a Memory Care Assisted Living which is a secured/locked facility. She won't be able to wander out at night in such a place. In the meantime, lock your home properly to avoid having her escape. Place the locks out of her reach, like Barb explained. FreqFlyer's idea about the black throw rug is a very good one, too.........you can even get an outdoor mat in the shape of a manhole cover/grate that may work beautifully.

https://www.amazon.com/DREAMKAI-Manhole-Flannel-Christmas-Decorative/dp/B07GZB8HGC/ref=sr_1_5?keywords=manhole+cover+outdoor+mat&qid=1577572023&sr=8-5

At this stage of dementia, it's not about what your mother 'wants' but what she needs and what is the safest option for her. So many people think it's no big deal to care for dementia patients, and boy, they're in for a rude awakening! Most of us are not equipped to be 24/7 caregivers, that's for sure (me included).

Melatonin can work as a sleep aid..........ZZZquil is better, I have found. Even a half of a Zzzquil may knock her out to the point where she can sleep thru the night. She may be a little groggy in the morning, but to me, that's preferable to wandering out the front door!


Best of luck!
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