My mom is 45 and had a stroke in may of 2019. I told her I’m moving out after telling her multiple times I’m physically and emotionally drained. I need help and she refuses to get an actual caregiver because she doesn’t want to pay for it. I’ve tried everything, she doesn't want to do anything as far as her exercises go to help build strength and such. She just wants to lay in bed all day and I told her I’m not going to sit another year while she just lays in the bed. So I took the first step and went back to work. I had another conversation with her about everything and she basically told me out her mouth she wants me to put my life on hold to keep taking care of her. I was 22 when this all happened dropped everything for her. I’m now 25. I’m sticking with my decision to move out but I feel so bad and and making myself sick dreading it. And she keeps trying to guilt trip me.
She will continue to try to guilt trip you rather than being grateful for the help you have given her already. You know what they say about guilt trips. They can buy you the ticket but you don't have to go.
You have done nothing to feel guilty about, What you are feeling is called false guilt due to not meeting the (often unreasonable) expectations of others. You have already put your life on hold long enough.
Make your plans to get out as soon as you can. Inform your mother of your plans and the dates when you have them, Don't discuss it with her - just inform her to give her time to make other arrangements, and stick with your plans despite any protests or guilt games from her. Her life is her responsibility - your life is yours.
Prayers for all to work out. Let us know how you manage this transition. (((((hugs)))))
Your mom could live another 50 years.
You deserve a home of your own, and a relationship if you choose to have one. Children, if that is what you desire.
Get out as quickly as you can manage.
Best wishes to you.
She's only 45 years old, so she's looking at a long road of uncertainty in front of her. I don't blame her for wanting to be with you, but the reality is that she cannot. You are waaaay too young and need to get your life on track and not burn out caring for her in the process.
I think I would call social services for your county to see what in-home services she may qualify for. She may need to apply for Medicaid. She may need to realistically be in a care facility (and there are some very nice ones and she'll be with caring staff and other people all day long with activities, etc). Just start with calling social services and see what you find out, then share the positive info with our mom and assure her that you working on replacement plan and that it would be great if she worked on it with you, but you will must move forward with your life which will help the both of you. I wish you all the best and peace in your heart as you try to bring her around to see the big picture.
What is her disability?
If she is not seriously disabled and able to be on her own the surest way to get her moving if for you to move OUT. Beatty, one of our members, says "There will be no solutions as long as YOU are all the solutions".
As to guilt? That belongs to felons and criminals. You may suffer some grief that you can not be all things to all people and still maintain a minimal sanity, but that is GRIEF. It is not spelled g-u-i-l-t.
You are young. You deserve a life. It will not be easy, trained and habit-forming as these things are, to get the courage and strength to leave, but you will begin to feel so good about yourself as you stand more on your own.
Give your Mom the number for 9-1-1, and get an apartment, even a room in someone else's home if that is point A. to start on. Good luck.
So, make like a banana and split!
PS I love Golden's line 'She can buy you the guilt-trip ticket but you don't have to take the trip'. Your mother may also think that she has a ticket to lie in bed being waited on by a maid, but you don't have to accept it as valid tender.
My daddy had a stroke much later in life.
He worked exceptionally hard in rehab and afterwards.
It’s past time for your mom to do her part. She is responsible for participating in her recovery.
You have explained it to her. It’s up to her now.
You have done more than your share.
Wishing you all the best that life has to offer. You have a bright and beautiful future ahead of you.
You have what it takes to succeed. You are determined. That will take you far.
Take care.
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