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I did take advice from this forum by turning off the


phone a certain time during the day so my routine would not be interrupted with my husband, plus I need some rest at the end of the day. The last couple of times that he called my DH it would always be when my brother in law was outside either getting lunch or whatever. During these times my husband would have a hard time hearing him because the background is so noisy and I know that bothers my husband's concentration. I have told him again not to call while there is so much chaos in the background. He just won't listen. I'm at my wits end again with this situation .Don't know what to do anymore because it is the only relative that calls. Should I let this go and forget about it? Love to hear everyone's input. Thank you.

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Hi Cheeky79. I didn't see your reply to JoAnn before I wrote. I wonder if you can clarify what I see in this post and if the main problem now is your BIL calls from places with noisy backgrounds and your husband can't hear well. You told your BIL not to do that, but he's still been doing it and you were asking if you should just ignore it.

My answer to THIS QUESTION was yes, I would since it's the only relative that stays in touch with your husband. I would keep reminding his brother. He's probably elderly too and doesn't have the best memory. Or he could be like my mother. She says she has to call while she's thinking of something or she'll forget. She doesn't have dementia but she is getting up there in years.

Here's what you posted about your brother's FRIEND (not his brother) in the replies I just read on your last question: "The friend who told him about the death is also the friend who brought him to a baseball game last year and when he brought him home, he brought him to a strangers house and my husband was trying to enter that home with his key. Thank God he did not leave my husband there by himself, he would have gotten lost. I reached my boiling point this time around with the death comment so I blocked him."

Now that the troublesome friend is out of the way and you turn the phone off when you don't want to be interrupted or need to rest, can you answer this question:

Is the only remaining problem with brother the background noise and calling from noisy places?

That's how I read your new posted question today but maybe there's more.
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patpaul Aug 2023
I also read his daughter lives in Israel and she's coming to visit and take him bowling. I assume that's not also your daughter. Maybe a daughter from an earlier marriage, or is it your daughter too? Either way, would it be helpful if she reminded her uncle that it's hard for her dad to hear or understand with background noise?

Does your BIL have a wife or children who you could talk to if he's not listening or remembering not to call from noisy places? Or is your husband the only relative your BIL talks to?
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Cheeky, I did not miss the part where you said to JoAnn29 "I agree with you. You really understand where I am coming from. Thank you" in response to her comment. A great many folks do not understand the negative impact certain phone calls can have on an elder with dementia, and how long they will dwell on one single thing the caller has said. It can take hours to calm them down, even. You have to weigh the pros of DH talking to his brother with the cons. Does he even realize who he's speaking to? Or is he just upset with the noise and chaos in the background?

I'm quite certain you have DHs best interests at heart and aren't trying to be cruel by setting down rules your BIL refuses to follow. In his ignorance or denial of his brothers dementia, he's not listening or complying with the simple requests you're making of him and doing things "his way" which causes chaos for DH. Relaying bad news to him causes YOU who knows how much stress, not to mention your husbands stress in trying to comprehend death.

Only you can decide what's right to do with this situation as your DHs primary caregiver. Don't ask for permission or second guess yourself, either. Good luck.
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OP do what you need to do for your own health and sanity. You also matter in this relationship. It's not just about your husband and it is a crying shame that "family" can't support you in that and at least have enough respect to try and make your life a little easier by honoring your simple requests.
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If these calls are upsetting to you and your husband, stop answering them. You have tried talking to your brother in law and it seems as though he is choosing to do whatever he wants to do instead of respecting your wishes.

If he is going to continue to be disrespectful, then let his calls go to voicemail. Would giving him periodic updates about his brother be a compromise?

Were he and his brother close before? How far along is your husband’s dementia? Does your husband even know who is calling him?

The bottom line is that you are his wife. You know what is best for your household.
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patpaul Aug 2023
I agree the OP should go with her heart about what's best for the situation. I saw her response in last question that her husband does know who brother is and I think his brother also took her husband to a ballgame just a while ago.

I can't help but think the BIL might be old and not have the best memory either. It could be he calls from wherever he is when he thinks of something he wants to tell his brother about. That's a guess. My mother always says she has to call while she's thinking of something or she'll forget. She doesn't have dementia but she is getting up there in years.

The part of her question where she asked:

"Don't know what to do anymore because it is the only relative that calls. Should I let this go and forget about it? "

Made me think it wasn't so disruptive that she couldn't consider letting it go and letting her husband's only relative who calls still talk to him.

I think she should keep reminding BIL to call from places without noisy backgrounds and remind her husband to tell him that too if he can't hear or understand with all the background noise.
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Patpaul, this is from OPs first post

"In particular he has one brother that will call every single day and interrupt my schedule with my husband because I like to have a routine. I have told him time and time again but he won't listen. Then there is a friend who told him about a death of someone that wasn't necessary for my husband to know this information and then I had to deal with the aftetmath. I'm at my wits end with these people. I suffer from flare ups of Epstein Barr and all this stress has gotten to me."

This BIL does not get it and does not want to get it. OP has said that her husband never stood up for her with his family. Because of this, his family probably does not respect a thing she says. SHE has to deal with the aftermath. Have you taken care of someone 24/7 who has ALZ. So, its time for OP to stand up for herself "this is the way its going to be. You play by my rules or not at all'. Her husband is no longer competent to make decisions so she needs to make them. So, if the BIL wants to talk to his brother he talks to him when convenient to her. She can again tell him not to say certain things because it upsets her husband and then she is the one to deal with it. If talking to his brother is causing anxiety or him to become uncontrollable, she has a right to say, no more calls.

I am so glad my Dads sister died before my Mom. She would have been so much like this BIL. Ever decision I made concerning my Mom would have been scrutinized. She never went out of her way for anyone. She had my grandmother for 2 years and you may have thought it was 20. Then she had her placed. She never did the care. My cousin was living there with her sm daughter and I will bet u she did it. You have no idea how some family members can drive u to drink. My Aunt thought she knew it all too.
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patpaul Aug 2023
Thanks for posting her first question, but this is from her second question, the one she posted today:

"I did take advice from this forum by turning off the phone a certain time during the day so my routine would not be interrupted with my husband, plus I need some rest at the end of the day."

It sure sounds to me like she was saying she already solved the problem from her first post. She said she took suggestions from the forum for that. Then she explained what was happening during the times she determined it was ok for her BIL to call. She said he was calling from places with noisy backgrounds. That was a new and different problem.

Did you miss the part where she said how she solved the problem from her first post?
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You said you already solved the problem about what time your brother in law calls by turning off the phone at certain times so you and husband's routine isn't interupted and you can get rest when you need it. Now the problem is that when you have the phone on and it's ok for your BIL to call, he's calling from a restaurant or somewhere where the background is noisy. Is that right?

I re-read your question to be sure that's what you explained and it is and your husband has a hard time hearing him. The background noise interferes with his concentration.

You asked whether to let it go and forget about it if BIL himself cannot remember to not call from places with a noisy background.

My recommendation is yes, let it go. It's only a short time longer the two of them will be able to talk. Keep reminding your BIL to try not to call from places with a noisy background and if he can't remember, extend him some grace. Let these two brothers still have relationship while they can if your husband still wants to talk to his brother.

You said it's the only relative who calls. Cutting his brother off will further shrink your husband's world. It might not be helpful to you in the long run either. It's a blessing if your husband still knows who his brother is. With advancing dementia the day will come where he doesn't recognize him any more.

If your husband is too bothered by the noisy background, can he also tell his brother to call from somewhere quieter? You could remind him to say that if he can't hear during the call.
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Cheeky79 Aug 2023
I really guess you would have to walk in my shoes to know what I am going thru. BIL couldn't even stand up for his brother at our wedding 23 years ago because he was in prison. When I asked him for help a couple of days a week and I would pay him he refused. So you see you don't know , just a little bit of what has happened. Talk about respect, I never treated any of his family members poorly. I went above and beyond always to make them feel loved and respected. I guess I will say goodnight for now.
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Give your BIl a timeframe to call in the evening and them turn off the phone except for those hours. BIL will figure it out eventually
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Well guess what. You now are in charge. Your husband no longer has any input. If BIL cannot have some empathy for your situation he does not get to talk to his brother. And really, doesn't it just confuse your husband more. If he asks why you are blocking him tell him straight up that he has no respect for you and what ur are going thru. That his brother is getting worse and you have a schedule so you can get thru the day. And so u can rest when he does. You have tried to explain to him but he chooses not to listen. He thinks he knows it all. So, to keep ur sanity, you r blocking him. His calls cause too many problems you don't need.

Really, some people u need to get blunt with.
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Cheeky79 Aug 2023
I agree with you. You really understand where I am coming from. Thank you.
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Can you talk to BIL and ask that he call between 5:00 Pm and 7:00 Pm (only if these are good times for you.) Pick whatever time works for you and your husband. Maybe a phone call when you are making dinner will keep hubby occupied for a bit.
That way BIL can get himself to a quiet room or area and make the call.
Explain to BIL that your husband likes the calls and he looks forward to them but he is easily confused and distracted by extra noise in the background.
If BIL continues to call at times when it is not convenient or continues to call when he is not in a quiet area then he just does not get it and at that point I would let his calls go to voicemail. I probably would not want to go to the extent of blocking his number since it is a family member and there may be a time when he does need to get in touch with you.
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patpaul Aug 2023
Good answer! This is what I think too: " I probably would not want to go to the extent of blocking his number since it is a family member and there may be a time when he does need to get in touch with you."

Or the other way around she might want to get in touch with his family about something too.

Blocking numbers is something I reserve for telemarketers. Not family or friends. There's better ways to handle things. Blocking numbers doesn't allow anyone to change or reconcile. In todays day and age, people are so quick to cut people out of their lives for the slightest infraction. Lover's of self, devoid of compassion and all the rest that describes how people act these days. As a pastor I shouldn't be surprised and I'm not. I'm dismayed to see it play out.
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Are these mobile or landline calls. How does your DH get the call unless you hand him the phone if, like my husband your DH has his phone with him constantly you have to block the number of the BIL on all the phones. Even yr mobile too. Get yr DH to call his brother instead. My DH’s family have never listened to or consulted me where my DH is concerned.
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Cheeky79 Aug 2023
Caller I D and we live in a very small apartment so there is no wiggle room to even hide anything from him. I only answer calls from our landline. I never have cells on. Talking to this brother of his is like talking to a wall. So I guess I will have to continue turning the ringer off during the week. Thank you so much for listening. It helps.
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Exactly what Fawnby said!
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Time to take charge. This BIL is clearly not respecting you or your husband's ever changing needs. Take a further step by sending him a certified letter outlining the numerous attempts you've made to rectify this situation thus far no avail. Be direct about the terms of contact permitted by phone, and it will be on a designated time and day. For instance, your husband (with your assistance) will call every 1st and 3rd Sunday of the month (pick your day and time and stick to it). If it's not convenient for your BIL, too bad. Specify the length of the call and topics (if neither are an issue, then skip that. Make your conditions clear so there won't be any confusion or room to misinterpret. But anything you see having a negative affect on your husband and you, needs to be addressed in writing to him that will have yourself covered and documented).

These suggestions might sound extreme, but if BIL ever takes this too far and excuses you of alienation, you have at least succeeded in documenting and showing proof your numerous attempts to communicate what is conducive vs. not.

Last resort, get an attorney to send him a demand letter, but see if you can rectify this yourself (it will save you lots of money). And if you ever did need to higher an attorney to address BIL's behavior, then at least you can show attorney you remained proactive.
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Block his number altogether. If your husband must talk with him, have him call the brother (you help), and then calls can be at the convenience of your household.
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Cheeky79 Aug 2023
Hi, appreciate your help. My husband never calls anyone really and if the brother didn't call he probably would never talk to him. My husband is so confused about everything now and all I do is cry from this situation. I have my own health issues and even before my DH diagnosis he never took my side on anything especially when it came to his family now it is only worse. My BIL called on Friday and yesterday, so this would go on everyday if I didn't turn the ringer off during the week. I need some sort of sanity on my part. Thank you.
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