My father moved into the home of my husband and myself about 2 years ago. Before I get into detail, please understand that growing up I didn't have the best childhood. My dad never came to my ballgames when I cheered, he never did things a normal father did. Everything had to be his way or no way. This, I believe is the reason I am so head strong about a relationship being equal because I refuse to let a man rule me the way he did my mother. Even though I had a small wedding with my first husband at the last minute he decided not to go. My entire life I tried to be "daddy's girl" the way my other friends were. Once my brother and I were grown he lost control over us. My brother has spoken to him but once in five years and that was at my uncle's funeral (he doesn't want his daughter exposed to the environment we grew up in)
So now the issue I have. My middle daughter has guardianship over my father (she thinks he hung the moon and everything I say or do regarding him is wrong and always my fault) and also growing up even to this day he never tells me he loves me and never appreciated anything I do or have done for him, but there isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't tell her. So he moved in because I really didn't want him in a nursing home and my husband was actually the one who persuaded me to let him. At the time he could do about anything he wanted to for himself, that's just it, he didn't want to he wanted someone to cater to him and I was the only one who didn't because of the fact I knew exactly what would happen and that he would go downhill because he expected everyone else to do things and he wouldn't have to.
He was here maybe 6 months and my daughter thought it would be a good idea for him to get an electric wheelchair (big mistake) after a little while "he could no longer walk" and that just made my life worse. I know he could because I saw him, but nobody believed me. It was me against everyone, the way he talked to me when nobody was around, the way he disrespected my home, everything. I bit my tongue and became very depressed. Finally one day my husband came in early and my dad did not know he was here. My dad began his tantrum and started talking to me like I was nothing, my husband looked at me and told me he was so sorry he didn't believe me, but only after telling my dad how things were fixing to be in our home. Finally one day I had had enough and I went off on him, of course he calls my daughter and plays the normal act on her she moves him out and into my cousins home, this lasted 2-3 months and once again she calls me (my daughter lives in her grandmother in laws home to help there) this time it was supposed to be that she came and got him a couple days a week until he could get into a senior program so that I would have "cleaning" time or time to myself, he only needed a place to stay and I wasn't responsible for anything, he would've someone come and do his cleaning, cooking, whatever. This lasted maybe a week. She took him for 2 hours once. He refuses to go to the senior center, he doesn't want anything I cook and yes I can cook. Instead he wants me to order him something (doesn't pay delivery fee) or go out and get him something. He throws trash in his bedroom floor. I'm not cleaning up after someone who does it on purpose. Tells everyone how u do nothing for him. My husband works out of town and when he does get to come home we never have time together. I'm at my wit's end and on the verge of a breakdown. Can anyone help?
But this is exactly what you let happen, right?
Why?
And why didn’t you want him in a nursing home? If your daughter has guardianship why are you the one taking care of your dad?
Therapy would be a big help in sorting out your feelings. As others have said, you indeed let this man rule you. You've spent your whole life thinking or hoping-- and maybe didn't realize you were-- that maybe, just maybe, he will soften up one day. That he'll see all you've done for him and be grateful, finally tell you he loves you, and you'll get to have the dad he should have been. Or even partially what he should have been. Something. Anything. Any little bit of love he may have. (Your husband may have encouraged this at first because he might have thought the same, that it would be a chance for you to get some healing. He surely meant well, but this hasn't gone how you both hoped.)
Somewhere inside your heart, there's the little girl who needs her daddy's love terribly. And this is so, so hard to give up. I've had to do a similar thing with my mom. Therapy can help you do this.
You will never get his love or respect. NEVER. He has none to give and doesn't care about your feelings. Never has, never will. Why keep extending help to him? Sounds like he rejected you from the moment you were born.
You will never get this hole in your heart that he created filled by him.
You didn't do anything wrong. It's not your fault he was a crappy father.
Stop letting him hurt you over and over. You don't deserve this. If anything, he doesn't deserve YOU.
People like your father should never have become parents, but sadly lots of screwed-up people do. Accept you got short changed in the Dad department and find that love elsewhere.
Kick him out. If he loves the other sister so much, and she has guardianship, she needs to be dealing with him. Not you.
I’m sorry he hasn’t been the father that you deserved. Yes, parents make mistakes, children do too. There are circumstances where issues may be resolved but from what you are describing this may not be one of those situations.
Do not feel guilty or selfish for not accepting his mistreatment of you. I do believe he knows what he is doing because he is cruel to you privately. He doesn’t want others to know his true colors. Well, your husband heard him. He knows now. The cat is out of the bag.
I am glad that your husband apologized to you. Would he be willing to support you further by asking your father to leave? That way you won’t take any more heat from him. You are not called to be his doormat.
When he left your home for the brief period in time, how did he end up returning? I’m curious about that. He obviously was a bit too much for others. They brought him back to you. They had to have their reasons. Am I missing something? I’m a little confused about his relationship with them.
The truth is that he has has been disrespectful to you in your home. In my opinion he isn’t worthy of a daughter so loving and kind. You were extremely generous to take him in. All you got in return was an inconsiderate, disrespectful, insulting and abusive individual. He is a father in name only. It takes someone special to be a dad.
Absolutely no one but an ignorant fool would expect you to continue to cater to his needs.
Take care. Hugs. Ask him to please leave ASAP. Then don’t look back and allow this to become a distant memory for you that has no relevance. Of course it hurts but don’t continue to let him hurt you.
What is NOT a mystery, or in question at all is that you need to get him out of your home.
Now. Find out how to go about evicting him if he won't "agree" to go.