I have it easy, but...How have others transitioned out of the caregiver role?

Hugs. Did the same. My parents moved to a home for veterans recently. I got my own apartment prior to that decision. (Which helped me…at least it was my own space with some of what I had put in storage making it feel a bit more like home…and was 10 min away.).

Now I have the house to take care of AND schedule visits to see them. (At least I know their medical needs are cared for properly).

I don’t think anyone understands what I gave up to do this. But after 2 years I’m finally beginning to accept my decision and think about how to move on personally while still supporting them.

Not easy. Hugs to you. Hope that knowing you aren’t alone helps!!

if you are able and interested, I’ve shared my story previously on here. We all need a good pity party now and again!

We have all been locked down during the pandemic, and now it feels like the whole world is opening up. If they are healthy, your parents could live for another 10 years, and they may need even more assistance if their condition declines. At some point they may no longer be able to drive. Hopefully, they will not get dementia. You and they have to be realistic about your needs as well as theirs. First, make sure all of their paperwork is in order, setting up their power of attorney for medical and financial affairs, many banks and financial institutions have their own POA forms, living wills with their medical directives, a will if they have assets, and be sure their POA is on file with Social Security and Medicare to be able to speak on their behalf. I'm assuming you are their POA. You have to have the talk with them about how they and you might handle it if they need more assistance as they get older. A lot will depend on their financial situation. Can they afford to hire additional caregiving help (maybe part time at first) so that you can get some breaks? Do you need more help with things like cleaning, gardening and maintenance of their house, etc. and can you hire people to do that so that you can take a vacation and travel and visit friends? Tell them that you wanted to be semi-retired at this point and suggest hiring a caregiver part time or full time if you are away. This is the only way they'll be able to age in place and give you some space for your life. You also need vacations and to take breaks. Sometimes there is resistance to professional caregivers. Hopefully that won't be the case. Get connected with a local social worker and caregiving groups that can also advise you on local options. Every area is different regarding what is available. If it gets to be too much for all of you, they may have to consider downsizing and going to assisted living. Many seniors do not want to do this, but there are nice senior residences.

I understand the concept you have that you have it easier than some others (some dementias are really nasty and some people are really nasty without dementia!) But, it is still a lot you have sacrificed to "allow" them to "age in place." They are NOT living independently if they need you to do all those tasks. Keep in mind also that those tasks are going to increase with time, doubly so because you are dealing with TWO parents. One person cannot provide the proper care for two people as their needs increase, AND all the other tasks you are currently shouldering.

I hope to stay in my own place as long as possible, but if/when I need help to do that, I will HIRE help. It is NOT my kids' duty to do that for me.

My parents had a glorious retirement: wintering in FL condo, cruises, traveling here there and everywhere, get togethers with remaining siblings and friends and so on. They had sold their house on retiring and moved to a condo, so a lot of the "usual" house duties are reduced (any exterior work on bldg, yard work, etc.) Probably got a good 20 years of fun in before dad's decline. Mom lived 8 years more in the condo, doing her thing, still going on trips to FL, etc before dementia came along. Then she was in MC for 4 years.

My involvement began when dementia was noted (had to learn quick!!!) At about the same time, I was laid off work, so I tried helping her. The 3 hr round trip was a killer! Managing her finances wasn't hard, once I had all bills sent to me. Keeping her in groceries and supplies was a tough job, as she was relying on microwave dinners, but wouldn't buy enough for even a week, never mind 2 weeks! I tried the delivery service once, but she was hard of hearing and those frozen items wouldn't do well being left outside! It would save me the shopping time, but I'd still have to be there when it was delivered.

It all became more difficult after we moved her. It took me 2.75 years to get her place cleared, cleaned and repaired so we could sell it. Very little help from 2 bros. They pretty much disappeared into the woodwork. Even when it was sold, it's still a lot of work to manage everything, balance accounts (2 bank accts and trust fund), calculate/order/deliver supplies not provided, handle calls from facility, doctors, find hearing aid place, etc. SIX years of my "retirement" down the drain. I'm not into cruises, don't need to travel and dislike FL, so I'm not missing any of that, but I couldn't really plan to do the things I wanted to do. The few times I did try to do something, there'd be a call about something. Meanwhile, the house I bought that needs a lot of renovations was put on hold (initially due to finances, but having to juggle everything for mom cut into time I could try to arrange work.) Lived with a 3/4 bath gutted except for a toilet for several years (off master bedroom), the other NEEDS to be gutted and redone! I'm hoping to get this done, if I can find people to do the work before I'm too old and/or decrepit to enjoy it!

Obviously you can't undo what you've done (sold house, quit job, moved) but I would at the very least start talking to them about hiring people to do the needed work (upkeep of house, yard, cleaning, laundry, etc.) You can perhaps assure them that you will be there if they need something, but the manual labor jobs should be hired out and THEY should be paying for it. If possible, take some time to meet up with old friends. Use other freed up time to meet new people, and/or find a part-time job.

If they balk at this, explain:
1) you are single, one income for retirement, which will be reduced due to early "retirement" - you can check on the SS site what your estimated benefit will be.
2) you are getting older, so these "tasks" are taking a toll on you physically.
3) remind dad he :retired: at 55, yet YOU are expected to WORK for them!
4) remind them how much fun they were having for the last 30 years in retirement, yet you are not allowed ANY retirement even at 60!

Aging in place means that they do for themselves with little help. At 91, with the problems Mom has, this is not possible. And if they can't do upkeep on their property or hire someone to do it, then they aren't "aging in place".

What I may do is say "I have been here now 2 years and I don't see where you can remain in the house for the rest of your lives. There's just too much upkeep and you have too many needs. I am just one person. I think you and Dad would be better off in an AL where you have help 24/7. I have found I cannot do it all. I realize that I need to get back to work. I need to look towards my future."

And u do need to get back to work because of your SS earnings. At 60, full retirement for u is 67 to get 100% SS. 62 you get 75%. 70 I think its 135%. SS only goes back 35 years from when you start collecting. If in that 35 yrs you didn't work 10 of those years, your SS benefits are based on 25 years.

Your parents can age in place because you are doing everything for them. TG you have only put 2 years into this. You may just need to say "sorry I can not do this any longer." Then show them that you do everything for them. They are no longer independent. If you want tell them that you miss your home, your friends. That you need a life of your own.

There's nothing "easy" about what you've done or are doing. Giving up your home, life, job, friends, and life plans. That's not easy.
Perhaps it's time to have a serious talk with mom and dad, and let them know that you're not getting any younger, and that you now feel it's time for you to get your life back. Will that be hard? Of course it will, as it's very obvious how much you love your parents. However, it's now time that you love yourself just as much, as none of us are guaranteed tomorrow. The last thing you want to happen is to get to the end of your life and look back with lots of regrets.
I pray that God will give you wisdom and discernment as you go forward.

"Mom, Dad, I'm getting older. I am now officially a senior citizen and I find that I can't keep up physically with all of the needs that you folks have. I understand that you both want to stay in your home, but I can no longer be the sole facilitator of all that that decision entails. I can help you find help, but I need to go back to work so that I can retire some day. Let's figure out what your most pressing needs are and how to get them met without my being here every day."

Not sure how giving up your entire life is easy. You are doing an amazing job of supporting your parents. That said, you need to see how your situation will affect your retirement. Check to see if you have the requisite quarters to collect social security when you reach retirement age. Do you have any savings? If you can please try not to use it all. You will need it as you have mo one to care for you. At some point all caregivers relinquish their lives to the patients. There are no days off, no vacations, barely any friends.

Do your parents care about what happens to you after they die and you need help? You won't have it as good as they did. Talk to them about this and see how they react. Will they even care that your fate will be far worse than how good they have had it at your expense? Probably not. And from what I read on this board they can live well into their hundreds at this rate.

Why are old people living so long now? I don't get it. You have 60, 70 and sometimes 80 year olds trying to do it all for their 90 and 100 year old parents. All the sacrigice and what are these parents sacrificing for their now elderly children? Not much from the sound of it.

You don't have it easy. In fact, you have one of the harder issues. You gave up your life and livelihood to accommodate their unreasonable expectation of living out their golden years in their own home at the expense of your life.

Please don't feel guilty, because I don't think you have it easy!

Your profile states: "I am caring for my mother Mom, who is 91 years old, living at home with age-related decline, anxiety, cancer, depression, diabetes, hearing loss, incontinence, urinary tract infection, and vision problems." Does she do all her own hygiene care? You state that you "help with property upkeep, transportation to appts., health management, meals and such."

Do you do the cleaning? The laundry? Outside chores? What is "such"? Can your parents stay alone, or does someone always have to be there? What do you think would happen if one or both of your parents required a lot of hands-on care? Do they have the funds to hire caregivers? Live in a facility? Could they become Medicaid-eligible?

Are there siblings anywhere in the picture?

As the others have already written, you CAN get yourself out of this predicament, and you don't have to be your parents caregiver. Did your father realize what you would be giving up? You state they are appreciative, but do they really realize what they are doing to you?

Firstly you are completely justified to have these thoughts & feelings.

Let's get rid of guilt here. Others may have it harder, easier, different, whatever. We all have our personal experiences. No need to compare.

I did similar. Stepped in to help. More of a 'living in place' than an 'aging in place' tho. Had my job, stayed in my home but still - felt like I was losing my own life.. my life was in orbit around someone else's needs. At beck & call. With no end date. Lost sight of my own plans. So maybe I get it (even if just a little bit).

I Stepped in. Then I had to decide to step back. When I did, I gave lots of notice, helped find replacements but mostly the change was me.

I had to 'get' that my responsibility was to my own life. To keep earning, head towards my own goals.

To age in place, the responsibility actually lies with your folks to arrange the care they need.

Your care was wonderful & generous. It was a gift. Maybe your gift could change going forward?

Myself, now? I am happy to gift my time to advocate & help find resources instead of doing the hands-on care.

Time for a good honest chat with the folks. "Love you. But need a new plan going forward. Basically, hire some folk. I need to go home, to my own home. But I'll still visit".

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. First of all, many of us have reacted with our hearts to our family situations. It’s an awkward and emotional time. Please understand that you aren’t alone in making a decision that you now regret. We live and learn.

I would have an honest discussion with your family explaining how you feel. They may not agree with you. They may feel as if you owe them your life. They may not feel that you sacrificed for them. They are wrong.

Your decision is not written in stone. You can reverse this decision.

Choose an exit date. Start looking for employment again in the location of your choice. Tell your family that you will help them find other sources of care. Discuss all options or better still have a social worker tell them their options. Then you aren’t in the position of being the bad guy. You can be present at the meeting if you like.

Do you have permission to speak to their doctor or hospital for a contact number or email for a social worker? A social worker frequently deals with these situations.

If you continue to stay, you will become more resentful about the situation. You deserve a life of your own. Your family will adapt.

Best wishes to you and your family.