I have it easy, but...How have others transitioned out of the caregiver role?

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. First of all, many of us have reacted with our hearts to our family situations. It’s an awkward and emotional time. Please understand that you aren’t alone in making a decision that you now regret. We live and learn.

I would have an honest discussion with your family explaining how you feel. They may not agree with you. They may feel as if you owe them your life. They may not feel that you sacrificed for them. They are wrong.

Your decision is not written in stone. You can reverse this decision.

Choose an exit date. Start looking for employment again in the location of your choice. Tell your family that you will help them find other sources of care. Discuss all options or better still have a social worker tell them their options. Then you aren’t in the position of being the bad guy. You can be present at the meeting if you like.

Do you have permission to speak to their doctor or hospital for a contact number or email for a social worker? A social worker frequently deals with these situations.

If you continue to stay, you will become more resentful about the situation. You deserve a life of your own. Your family will adapt.

Best wishes to you and your family.

Firstly you are completely justified to have these thoughts & feelings.

Let's get rid of guilt here. Others may have it harder, easier, different, whatever. We all have our personal experiences. No need to compare.

I did similar. Stepped in to help. More of a 'living in place' than an 'aging in place' tho. Had my job, stayed in my home but still - felt like I was losing my own life.. my life was in orbit around someone else's needs. At beck & call. With no end date. Lost sight of my own plans. So maybe I get it (even if just a little bit).

I Stepped in. Then I had to decide to step back. When I did, I gave lots of notice, helped find replacements but mostly the change was me.

I had to 'get' that my responsibility was to my own life. To keep earning, head towards my own goals.

To age in place, the responsibility actually lies with your folks to arrange the care they need.

Your care was wonderful & generous. It was a gift. Maybe your gift could change going forward?

Myself, now? I am happy to gift my time to advocate & help find resources instead of doing the hands-on care.

Time for a good honest chat with the folks. "Love you. But need a new plan going forward. Basically, hire some folk. I need to go home, to my own home. But I'll still visit".

Please don't feel guilty, because I don't think you have it easy!

Your profile states: "I am caring for my mother Mom, who is 91 years old, living at home with age-related decline, anxiety, cancer, depression, diabetes, hearing loss, incontinence, urinary tract infection, and vision problems." Does she do all her own hygiene care? You state that you "help with property upkeep, transportation to appts., health management, meals and such."

Do you do the cleaning? The laundry? Outside chores? What is "such"? Can your parents stay alone, or does someone always have to be there? What do you think would happen if one or both of your parents required a lot of hands-on care? Do they have the funds to hire caregivers? Live in a facility? Could they become Medicaid-eligible?

Are there siblings anywhere in the picture?

As the others have already written, you CAN get yourself out of this predicament, and you don't have to be your parents caregiver. Did your father realize what you would be giving up? You state they are appreciative, but do they really realize what they are doing to you?

You don't have it easy. In fact, you have one of the harder issues. You gave up your life and livelihood to accommodate their unreasonable expectation of living out their golden years in their own home at the expense of your life.

Do your parents care about what happens to you after they die and you need help? You won't have it as good as they did. Talk to them about this and see how they react. Will they even care that your fate will be far worse than how good they have had it at your expense? Probably not. And from what I read on this board they can live well into their hundreds at this rate.

Why are old people living so long now? I don't get it. You have 60, 70 and sometimes 80 year olds trying to do it all for their 90 and 100 year old parents. All the sacrigice and what are these parents sacrificing for their now elderly children? Not much from the sound of it.

Not sure how giving up your entire life is easy. You are doing an amazing job of supporting your parents. That said, you need to see how your situation will affect your retirement. Check to see if you have the requisite quarters to collect social security when you reach retirement age. Do you have any savings? If you can please try not to use it all. You will need it as you have mo one to care for you. At some point all caregivers relinquish their lives to the patients. There are no days off, no vacations, barely any friends.

"Mom, Dad, I'm getting older. I am now officially a senior citizen and I find that I can't keep up physically with all of the needs that you folks have. I understand that you both want to stay in your home, but I can no longer be the sole facilitator of all that that decision entails. I can help you find help, but I need to go back to work so that I can retire some day. Let's figure out what your most pressing needs are and how to get them met without my being here every day."

There's nothing "easy" about what you've done or are doing. Giving up your home, life, job, friends, and life plans. That's not easy.
Perhaps it's time to have a serious talk with mom and dad, and let them know that you're not getting any younger, and that you now feel it's time for you to get your life back. Will that be hard? Of course it will, as it's very obvious how much you love your parents. However, it's now time that you love yourself just as much, as none of us are guaranteed tomorrow. The last thing you want to happen is to get to the end of your life and look back with lots of regrets.
I pray that God will give you wisdom and discernment as you go forward.

Aging in place means that they do for themselves with little help. At 91, with the problems Mom has, this is not possible. And if they can't do upkeep on their property or hire someone to do it, then they aren't "aging in place".

What I may do is say "I have been here now 2 years and I don't see where you can remain in the house for the rest of your lives. There's just too much upkeep and you have too many needs. I am just one person. I think you and Dad would be better off in an AL where you have help 24/7. I have found I cannot do it all. I realize that I need to get back to work. I need to look towards my future."

And u do need to get back to work because of your SS earnings. At 60, full retirement for u is 67 to get 100% SS. 62 you get 75%. 70 I think its 135%. SS only goes back 35 years from when you start collecting. If in that 35 yrs you didn't work 10 of those years, your SS benefits are based on 25 years.

Your parents can age in place because you are doing everything for them. TG you have only put 2 years into this. You may just need to say "sorry I can not do this any longer." Then show them that you do everything for them. They are no longer independent. If you want tell them that you miss your home, your friends. That you need a life of your own.

I understand the concept you have that you have it easier than some others (some dementias are really nasty and some people are really nasty without dementia!) But, it is still a lot you have sacrificed to "allow" them to "age in place." They are NOT living independently if they need you to do all those tasks. Keep in mind also that those tasks are going to increase with time, doubly so because you are dealing with TWO parents. One person cannot provide the proper care for two people as their needs increase, AND all the other tasks you are currently shouldering.

I hope to stay in my own place as long as possible, but if/when I need help to do that, I will HIRE help. It is NOT my kids' duty to do that for me.

My parents had a glorious retirement: wintering in FL condo, cruises, traveling here there and everywhere, get togethers with remaining siblings and friends and so on. They had sold their house on retiring and moved to a condo, so a lot of the "usual" house duties are reduced (any exterior work on bldg, yard work, etc.) Probably got a good 20 years of fun in before dad's decline. Mom lived 8 years more in the condo, doing her thing, still going on trips to FL, etc before dementia came along. Then she was in MC for 4 years.

My involvement began when dementia was noted (had to learn quick!!!) At about the same time, I was laid off work, so I tried helping her. The 3 hr round trip was a killer! Managing her finances wasn't hard, once I had all bills sent to me. Keeping her in groceries and supplies was a tough job, as she was relying on microwave dinners, but wouldn't buy enough for even a week, never mind 2 weeks! I tried the delivery service once, but she was hard of hearing and those frozen items wouldn't do well being left outside! It would save me the shopping time, but I'd still have to be there when it was delivered.

It all became more difficult after we moved her. It took me 2.75 years to get her place cleared, cleaned and repaired so we could sell it. Very little help from 2 bros. They pretty much disappeared into the woodwork. Even when it was sold, it's still a lot of work to manage everything, balance accounts (2 bank accts and trust fund), calculate/order/deliver supplies not provided, handle calls from facility, doctors, find hearing aid place, etc. SIX years of my "retirement" down the drain. I'm not into cruises, don't need to travel and dislike FL, so I'm not missing any of that, but I couldn't really plan to do the things I wanted to do. The few times I did try to do something, there'd be a call about something. Meanwhile, the house I bought that needs a lot of renovations was put on hold (initially due to finances, but having to juggle everything for mom cut into time I could try to arrange work.) Lived with a 3/4 bath gutted except for a toilet for several years (off master bedroom), the other NEEDS to be gutted and redone! I'm hoping to get this done, if I can find people to do the work before I'm too old and/or decrepit to enjoy it!

Obviously you can't undo what you've done (sold house, quit job, moved) but I would at the very least start talking to them about hiring people to do the needed work (upkeep of house, yard, cleaning, laundry, etc.) You can perhaps assure them that you will be there if they need something, but the manual labor jobs should be hired out and THEY should be paying for it. If possible, take some time to meet up with old friends. Use other freed up time to meet new people, and/or find a part-time job.

If they balk at this, explain:
1) you are single, one income for retirement, which will be reduced due to early "retirement" - you can check on the SS site what your estimated benefit will be.
2) you are getting older, so these "tasks" are taking a toll on you physically.
3) remind dad he :retired: at 55, yet YOU are expected to WORK for them!
4) remind them how much fun they were having for the last 30 years in retirement, yet you are not allowed ANY retirement even at 60!

We have all been locked down during the pandemic, and now it feels like the whole world is opening up. If they are healthy, your parents could live for another 10 years, and they may need even more assistance if their condition declines. At some point they may no longer be able to drive. Hopefully, they will not get dementia. You and they have to be realistic about your needs as well as theirs. First, make sure all of their paperwork is in order, setting up their power of attorney for medical and financial affairs, many banks and financial institutions have their own POA forms, living wills with their medical directives, a will if they have assets, and be sure their POA is on file with Social Security and Medicare to be able to speak on their behalf. I'm assuming you are their POA. You have to have the talk with them about how they and you might handle it if they need more assistance as they get older. A lot will depend on their financial situation. Can they afford to hire additional caregiving help (maybe part time at first) so that you can get some breaks? Do you need more help with things like cleaning, gardening and maintenance of their house, etc. and can you hire people to do that so that you can take a vacation and travel and visit friends? Tell them that you wanted to be semi-retired at this point and suggest hiring a caregiver part time or full time if you are away. This is the only way they'll be able to age in place and give you some space for your life. You also need vacations and to take breaks. Sometimes there is resistance to professional caregivers. Hopefully that won't be the case. Get connected with a local social worker and caregiving groups that can also advise you on local options. Every area is different regarding what is available. If it gets to be too much for all of you, they may have to consider downsizing and going to assisted living. Many seniors do not want to do this, but there are nice senior residences.

Hugs. Did the same. My parents moved to a home for veterans recently. I got my own apartment prior to that decision. (Which helped me…at least it was my own space with some of what I had put in storage making it feel a bit more like home…and was 10 min away.).

Now I have the house to take care of AND schedule visits to see them. (At least I know their medical needs are cared for properly).

I don’t think anyone understands what I gave up to do this. But after 2 years I’m finally beginning to accept my decision and think about how to move on personally while still supporting them.

Not easy. Hugs to you. Hope that knowing you aren’t alone helps!!

if you are able and interested, I’ve shared my story previously on here. We all need a good pity party now and again!

You are in deep but you can get a nurse to assist 3 days a week to give you some space. I take care of my mother emotionally. I don't live with her but she is always an emotional, dominant mess. She is 83 years old and very difficult to deal with. I set boundaries now because my life is important and I have goals and passions and things that I want to accomplish. You still need friends, fun, travel and your owns desires in life to feel like you are thriving in life, not just living. Your parents are already 91 and they lived a full life and do need you to take care of them but getting someone to help you so you have more freedom may be a good idea.

I was the 24/7 caregiver for my 79 year old wife, who was bedridden. I got help from Hospice, but I physically could not handle her when she could no longer move from the waist down. IE, not healthy nor strong enough. I felt completely useless. I got very lucky as the rest of our family came to my assistance for a while. My wife deteriorated further, stopped eating & drinking. Just took the two liquid medications for pain & anxiety as directed. She passed in her sleep.
I feel guilty for having given her the “ Hospice Cocktails” even though I should not. It’s been a month now that I do not “care give” her or anyone else.
I have chronic O/A & probably PAD, as my legs barely & very painfully support me. But the earliest visit to my health care team is a couple months away. I’ve changed my diet, exercise more. Helps some. One thing for sure, it’s very hard to plan ahead when every answer means you become further into financial bankruptcy. I know. I already did that 15 years ago. Lost our home as well.
Be very cautious in your choices. Best not to have a credit card or a Facebook account. I don’t watch the news either. I select what I see from my internet menu. Good luck caregivers.

You have done a good job letting us know exactly what is missing from your life: a different style of home, working part time outside of the home, friends, travel, and "time off." You also mentioned some of the caregiving duties you perform for your parents.

I have a few questions:

1 - How many hours and days of the week are you caregiving?

2 - Can some of the caregiving tasks be farmed out to others? Ask for help from family, friends, members of faith community, and/or paid help.

3 - How many hours a week of part time work would you desire? What work options are available where you currently reside?

4 - God forbid, if you were sick or injured how would your parents' needs be met?

I ask these questions to get you thinking about how to care for yourself, which is as vitally important as taking care of your parents.

Sit down w your father when it’s a good time for both of you, express how much you love and care for them and your glad you were able to help this long to help them remain at home however as your also aging at 60 you need some time for rest breaks, and to attend to your own needs and things you’d like to do, such as visit friends or take a class and ask him to think of some other relatives friends to fill the role part time while you take weekends off ( if nobody comes to mind hire a caregiver) Start with this. It’s an easier transition for everyone than a stark announcement that you can’t do it anymore

This is hard! I just met a lady that left her home/job to care for an aging parent for 2 years. She had no income. She said at the time… she thought she was doing the right thing… but realizes that this affected a lot of things financially and emotionally. She is now stuck in a town without friends and had to take a very low wage job to just to make ends meet. Her situation really impacted me. Jumping in to do what we think is the “right thing” can have many unforeseen implications.

Get in touch with your local Area Agency on Aging and see what services they may qualify for. This may free up some of your time so you can have some free time or maybe pick up some outside work. It might be possible that your parents qualify to have you paid a their caregiver.

I will address your question, but some background is helpful, and my situation is not quite the same as yours. I'm 57 y/o, only child, single, no children. I have been my 80 y/o mom's caregiver since last October. I have my apartment, and she lives in her home, which is about a 25-minute drive away. I do not own a car, and I work. She was diagnosed with dementia a few months ago. She has multiple underlying medical conditions. She also suffers from anxiety, depression, and anxiety about taking her medications. Since October there have been 3 ER visits, 2 urgent care visits, a hospitalization, weekly doctor's appointments, and multiple phone calls from her, even in the middle of the night. I have been her chauffeur, secretary, admin, therapist, personal shopper, handyman, gofer, etc. I handle her medication management (she takes, 6, soon-to-be 7, meds a day, and I sort the AM, afternoon, and PM meds for her), talk to the pharmacists, MDs, Medicare, BCBS, EVERYONE on her behalf. I handle her bill payments (writing checks, stamp the envelopes, mail). She refused my offer a few months ago to set all this up with auto-pay. This role is very time-consuming, demanding, stressful, and overwhelming. It is never-ending.

Also, my mom and I do not have a good relationship. We never have. She was a cold, mean, emotionally abusive mother. Now, as a senior, my mom is demanding, negative, difficult, and complains constantly. Despite our strained relationship, as a Christian, to "honor" my mother, I assist her. She often says how thankful she is that I'm her daughter and takes such good care of her. I feel resentful and manipulated.

To respond to your question about how others have extricated themselves from this role, I know I need to take a step back. Caring for her has taken over my life, and I'm no longer focused on my goals. I am consumed with stress and distraction due to her needs. I remind myself that my mom lived a full life. I do not owe her my life. This is what I have done:

-I've retained an agency for her escort and transportation services, for all of her appointments. That is a load off of me, and less time I have to spend with her.

-I limit the phone calls I place to her to one a day; a check-in call at 7:00 am in the morning. Any updates of anything I have to inform her of, I do so in that call.

-I set boundaries. I remind her I'm working, to limit the calls she places to me during the day. She has not stopped completely, but she does not call as frequently.

-I limit my visits to her to once a week. Any/everything I have to do for her at her house, or errands, I take care of during that visit.

-If you can control or operate any device in her home remotely, do so, so you do not have to deal with it. My explanations frustrate her, and she's lost the ability to grasp certain things. For instance, she's fixated on the thermostat and has anxiety about how to operate it. She calls me to tell her where to set the target temperature, despite me telling her she decides. It is a dial thermostat (I have removed the smart features), and not hard to operate. To save my sanity, I will set the target temperature and lock it.

-I have her groceries delivered to her. I order items frequently from Amazon and have those delivered to her.

-There are further steps I have to take to transition. I see her cognitive decline. It will only get worse. I have to get my ducks in a row, with POAs, before her decline is so advanced she will be deemed incompetent. I will meet soon with an Elder Law attorney. I can see necessary placement in MC in her future. If it is not affordable, in-home care (which she refused a few months ago, but with the proper POA, or legal guardianship, the decision will not be hers to make).

I feel ill-equipped to continue this caregiver role, (I am not a nurse, social worker, or professionally trained with dealing with dementia patients) and I do not want to continue in this capacity. I want my life back.

My mom was calling my brother weekly begging him to take her out of a nursing home. He did and she moved in with me. Yes, I definitely jumped and thought I was helping... she was so miserable and it was hard to watch.

Now, a whopping 5 weeks later, her mental and emotional health is better, but mine is not. I am 50 and my husband and I *were* official empty nesters last year. We just got to the point where we could come and go as we please (no one at home, I mean).

I have re-arranged my home and life to accommodate a wheelchair, bedside commode, etc. Mom gets aggravated when I insist she do some things on her own, within reason, of course, but she honestly treats me like a maid (and I love her dearly). I hear my name all the time.

I have hired help to start next month so I can continue teaching. I honestly feel like I'm just running out the clock and she will probably end up with my brother and then back to a nursing home.

So, yes. I jumped and if I could go back, I would not have made the choices I did. I feel selfish and guilty, but I also feel that for my own mental health, the current course cannot continue.

Best of luck in your situation. I hope you find some help. It's hard when you feel you are missing out on so much. I'm sure you are worn out.

*hugs*

Wow! My common-law husband of 17 years were full-time caregivers for both of my parents from May 2018 until they recently passed away.

My mom suffered from Lewy Body Dementia. My dad had a negative/sour attitude most of the time. My mom passed away August 2020, my dad passed away March 2021, & my common-law husband passed away May 2021. My mom was 76, my dad was 83, & my common-law husband was 61. I'm 60...

We had no help or contact from my 3 siblings. After my mom's death, they became greedy, more uncaring, & sneaky with their own agendas. They blamed me for not being able to say goodbye to my mom. Their guilt from being estranged from our parents for years was dumped on me! Then, after coming back into our lives, they only wanted money/possessions from my dad & me. They offered no comfort or assistance whatsoever; they didn't even come to my dad's funeral service.

Several times, like yourself, I felt there was no end in sight. I was tired, frustrated, fussing with my partner almost all of the time. The stress of taking care of one elderly person--let alone two--was exhausting. Pair that with my partner's declining health--from 40 years of smoking/alcoholism--many times I believed I would pass away first!

I prayed constantly for guidance & strength. Hiring outside caregivers for $20-$28 an hour was more of a burden to us. The constant unreliability & training new ones was exhausting! I mostly handled everthing myself. My parents could not be left alone at all. I had no personal life. However, I have many pics & fond memories of my 3 loved ones who I lost in 9 months time.

I would suggest trying your luck with an outside caregiver service. You may find a good one.? Prayer will definitely help! If you decide to place your parents in a facility, try not to feel guilty. You need some respite time for yourself before you crash & burn! Research the facilities first to find one with at least a 4-5 star rating. You can still be in your parents' lives.

God Bless...

LexiAngel

You know it truly is not a pity party, but more of grieving. I understand. I brought my Mom from her home in another town about 4 years ago to live with me. She enjoyed the "vacation for awhile" and for the longest time never asked to go home so I didn't bring the subject up. BUT, the longer she was here, I observed so many ways that she at 92 couldn't go back and live by herself. So, I felt that living with me was the only solution. She had no friends or family there, the neighborhood were newer people she didn't know, crime rate was growing, so if she had stayed there, I would have had to hire someone to come in and be with her; neither of us wanted that.

She is very independent in the house with her walker for 96. And most of the time we get along. Early last year, I gave up my job ( really high-stress, 50+ hours/wk ). As I started collecting retirement, and with the pandemic, I stayed home and became the full-time caregiver to my mom. Most of the time has been pretty good.. we love TV and watch it most of the day. However, I've gained weight, out of breath easily and definitely out of shape. If I am not right there in the same room, Mom goes to look for me. She won't eat unless I eat. If she gets a cookie, she brings me a cookie. She looks to see when I get dressed in the morning, and then copies that... she is unable to do most activities and looks to me, "her twin", for all attention/entertainment. We finally got her house sold last summer; most of the time she remembers that.

My daughters want me to have the caregiver come in a couple of days a week so I can go somewhere or do something. But at $20/hr, 4 hour minimum, that's $80 for me to go find fun somewhere. I don't want to go to the movies anymore, as we watch so much TV. Oh and I am planning a short cruise for us next month, because we can both do that pretty easily and enjoy it, and especially a peach daiquiri with whipped cream and a cherry!

BUT, I am starting to be really bored and more irritable more often, and am seriously thinking of going back to work. I miss the income, I miss some of the socialization, the independence. And I keep in mind the future, if and when Mom's medical/mental/physical state were to decline and she would need an ALF/NH.

I've needed and wanted to do this and for the most part have enjoyed having Mom here, but you are so very right, it has been a lot to give up, for her (hear all the time about "her" home) and for me. What I do know is that I never could have moved back to Mom's town and house. I had my house and could not give it up. So, I do understand about her missing her house; it's just that I used to feel like she cared more about her home, than me.

Anyway, at some time down the road, I do see Mom moving to an ALF, and will have to look at it, that I am spending the time with her now while I can, but will look forward to being alone.... not followed from one room to the other, or stared at, or any other "twin" behavior.

It isn't easy, Shickey99. But we, the caregivers, are older and want lives, too.

Shickey99, you have every right to wish you'd made a different decision than the one that seemed clear at the time. I don't have any better advice for you than what people have already posted but I hope you get out from under that burden very soon. You have many years left to do what you had planned to do. Hang in there.

Been caregiving for my mom for 10 yrs now. She got me at the worst possible time in my life when I was most vulnerable. We just lost my dad and my sister. She was living 350 miles away, and I helped move her a few doors down from us when she sold their house. She had very poor eyesight at the time and needed someone to take her around and her eyesight only got worse. She was 85 yrs old when she moved here and now she’s 95. Now she has metastatic breast cancer in both breasts and a litany of other health problems. If I had my senses about me at that time after losing 2 family members, I would have arranged different living arrangements in Assisted Living close to my house. She did NOT need a house of her own that we take care of! She is at the end of her journey now, on hospice, but it’s been a long 10 yrs for me. I have given up a lot and that includes my health. I have stage 3b NHL and I’ve been treating for 4 1/2 yrs now. Please consider what the ramifications are when being good-hearted in assisting a loved one for the rest of their time on earth. It may be a long journey and one with seemingly endless acts of giving. I have spent my entire retirement caring for her. I started at age 60 and I’m going to be 70 soon. This last part of her journey is not easy. This is the suffering part and it’s not going to be easy for either one of us. Hospice is wonderful. But most of the caretaking still falls on me. I am so tired.....

Shickey99, do you know your parents' financial situation, specifically whether there is likely to be an inheritance (and, importantly, whether there would be anything left if they had to spend several years for care in a facility)? Do you have siblings? If you have realistic reason to believe an inheritance would cover your own needs as you get older, then this can give you more liberty to take care of your parents, as long as you obtain the help needed to keep them safe. If this is not the case, then you certainly can't be apologetic for needing to return to work to finance your own future. However, even if your parents have the financial means, you shouldn't let them "buy" your future from you, meaning that you sacrifice your own life by spending years taking care of them such that you are too old and worn out to enjoy your own retirement. On the other hand, you are not taking care of them solely to "earn" your inheritance.

If this question doesn't apply directly to you, it may to some of the others on this forum.

These responses have been overwhelmingly helpful for me. Thank you all for the support and solutions. From these comments, I am coming to understand that making decisions and taking actions about my own life does NOT mean that I care for my parents any less. I am moving forward with speaking to my parents to let them know I love them dearly and deeply but we need to make other arrangements. Thank you all very much.

I retired at 55 and moved in with mother after my father passed in August. It has been a "360" adjustment for me. I am still settling my father's estate and downsizing/ decluttering their home for some of my things. I am learning the only way this will work is if you tag team with someone else having them come 20- 25 weeks to give you a break. She is also paying me a monthly salary to supplement my income. Our elder care lawyer thought that was fair. She is 86 and in fair health. I just turned 59 and we made an agreement when I turn 62 she will go into a home or have a caregiver come in. Also, she is encouraging me to take a vacation. She thinks she would enjoy respite care for a week while I am gone. If you are in a situation to get some extra help it may work for you. I had to establish my boundaries with my mom and it has not been easy but we get over it and move on. Good Luck to all!

I understand. My dad went to live with my brother last year and he asked for my help. I left my job and home to live with his family and help care for dad for 6 months then contracted coronavirus on a visit home to my own family. At that time I decided to move back home being so weak myself and having health issues after corona. I think he may resent my moving back home as that leaves more for him and his wife to figure out care for dad but I didn't feel like I could live with my brother forever and give up my family life completely for any longer. It's hard though. I'd like to go visit and relieve them sometimes and understand this is hard for them as well. I plan on visiting soon for a weekend but my brother doesn't think my dad is even able to travel to his home again to visit and doesn't seem to want dad to leave his home at all. I think he'd like dad to forget he ever lived anywhere else. I wouldn't mind caring for dad in his home for a few weeks at a time to give them a break but I don't think my brother wants that either as it would be harder for him. It's easier for them to keep him in their home but I have my own home so it wasn't an easy decision but I have no say so in the care of my dad other than if I wanted to go live with my brother again to help them. I care for my dad and my brother but I decided I am not in good enough circumstances to just leave my home for longer and no matter how well you get along with family it's hard leaving your own family and home even for well intentioned help. So I decided it was the right time for me to move back home. I will go visit and relieve them when I can and am able to though.

It's very hard to get out of believe me! I gave up everything when my mother moved in with me over 5 years ago. It wasn't my choice but she had been at my sister's house and then my sister died so she automatically came to me. I should now be enjoying retirement and having fun but I am trapped in a situation I can't get out of yet. I have said that I will carry on until I am almost 66 next April and then things must change. It won't be an easy transition but has to be done for my own wellbeing physically and mentally. Good luck.

This is a sad situation and it is why I keep preaching over and over again that every adult must have in place certain wishes and requirements made known to everyone involved. It all sounds so wonderful to jump in and offer help but no one ever thinks of down the road and what could yet come - then it is too late. Or guilt steps in. Anyone - before you make promises and commitments, do your research and think out of the box as to how you would handle different situations if they arise. Not every promise can be kept - often out of very logical, valid reasons. You made a bad mistake and you are paying for it dearly. You realize you must not and cannot continue this mode of living your life - it will cause deep resentment, bitterness, and problems for you - don't let that happen. Sit them down and try to make them understand the effect on you. Set new boundaries and you stick to them. Perhaps you can hire a caretaker or better yet, they could both be placed into a suitable facility together. If money is rough, there is help but it requires researching and time - but it can be done. Do not continue - live YOUR life NOW before it is too late. They had their turn. Now it is yours.