I feel guilty because I have it so much easier than many. However, I am becoming bitter after almost two years with no end in sight. My dad begged me to help in keeping him and my mom aging in place - they were both 89 at the time, in a home/property too large for them to manage any longer. I reacted emotionally and quit my job, sold my beloved home and moved 150 miles to live on their property in a trailer I purchased and help with property upkeep, transportation to appts, health management, meals and such. I miss my friends, I miss my lovely little home, I miss working outside the home, I miss autonomy but I do not know how to extricate myself from this situation because NOW whatever decision I make directly affects my parents and I do not want a rift as my 91 yo parents approach their final years. I'm 60 and I thought at this point I would work part-time, travel a bit, visit friends, enjoy semi-retirement. My dad retired completely at age 55! I'm furious with myself that I didn't make this decision rationally, but jumped to "help" when asked. The parents truly appreciate me, yet don't understand what I've given up. I guess this is more of a pity party for myself, but I would like to hear how others have transitioned out of the caregiver role.
My parents did not move in with mom’s parents when they needed more extreme help. Mom’s parents went to a nursing home. Dad’s went to an apartment when the farm got to be too much to even live on, then to a nursing home. My parents never considered moving to either of their parents’ homes at the sacrifice of their own, nor to move their parents in to their house (that would have been a disaster). My parents helped, certainly, and quite a lot, but never to the extreme of giving up their own established lives, jobs, homes, retirements, and futures. Their parents did not expect that of them, and would not have asked it of them.
Thankfully you have your own space. Is home care something that they would go along with? If so I would certainly try that first. Cut back on the things you do for them. Once home care is in place, is it possible to move back to where your life and friends are? My parents are also late 80's and 90. I am 63 and completely worn out. Maybe a caretaker could live on the property where you are at now. Regardless of the advanced age of our parents, I too see no light at the end of the tunnel. This could still go on for year's to come.
My thoughts are certainly with you as I know exactly what you are going through. Good luck with whatever you may be able to set up so you can get your life back!!!!!
Don't be their little step and fetch.
By doing that you essentially cover the holes in their lack of abilities.
A demented mind doesn't have a say in what happens. The brain is broken and will never choose the appropriate course of action. You must put your foot down and not let her steer the ship.
My suggestion is to develop a crisis rather than waiting for one to happen. The crisis forces you to stop what you are doing, and forces everyone involved into realising that the future needs a different approach. At age 91 plus that’s true anyway – you can’t care for two aging parents, a large house and a property for the next 10 years. Propping things up with in-home carers is just postponing the inevitable for them, and solving nothing for you.
How to develop a crisis? Lots of ideas, mostly medical. My first idea is to find a ‘moon boot’, and say you’ve broken your ankle. The doctor says you have to stay off it as much as you can for 3 months, and it will never be strong enough to continue doing the jobs that are required now – let alone in the future. Those moon boots look very convincing!
Your 'emergency' needs to get you some sympathy, provide a good reason for starting again, and stop you being blamed for changing your mind.
Maybe they could get a Live In?
Maybe they could just hire a Caregiver to come a few hrs a day?
Maybe you could check out a Senior Apartment they can both live in together?
Prayers
If they lack resources, they will need to make other decisions about where to live. You love them and can help them make these arrangements, but you do not need to do everything yourself.
Accept that it will likely take some time to find the right people, especially for personal or live-in care, and there may be a few "misses," but eventually you may find just the right kind of person to take over for you.
Ask around at churches about people known to them who might be looking for long term living situations and a modest salary in exchange for doing the things you are doing now. If more intense personal or medical care is needed, appropriate help will need to be hired for that care
I’m not a quitter, I’m a person of my word.
One day, all of us will need care~
#GoldenRule
Myself and my brother was caregiver for our. My mother lived with me so I became the primary caregiver. I would say that it has to be in your heart. Not one time did I question myself for the position that God allowed me to be. I went through caregivers anxiety because it was new. But when I thought about the sacrifice my mother made and the smile she had on her face when she saw me was priceless. I refused to put her in a nursing home. She would sometimes tell me how thankful she was for me taking care of her. Everyone is different. I don't comprehend your question or reasoning.
I feel as though you're not saying it but you've loss your freedom and that means more to you than caring for your mother. I get it I didn't have a casual life of my own either. But the JOY I felt caring for my mother. And I would do it a thousand times again. I have no regrets!
Your mother bought you here. I don't understand. It's sad and I feel sorry for your mother because I know she feels it and terrified as to what's going to happen to her. You have the right to have your opinion and I'm not judging you either. But I would never turn my back on the one who loved me enough to keep me. God will bless you! Honor thy mother and father! That means through sickness too not just in good health.
Call Social Service for direction as well as her insurance coordinator. Their job is to ASSIST you in getting the help and equipment that she needs. Also A Place for Mom. I Know it's scary but I promise you that if you hang in there you'll be at peace and you'll be glad that you did without regrets.
Good luck to you.
Since your mother is only 57, she can potentially live another 40 years. Perhaps, if you're fortunate enough, you will get to care for your mother for 40 more years. Let us know how glad, and at peace and without regret you will be at the end of it.
Edit: your post above said your mother LIVED with you. So, perhaps, she already passed. So sorry you didn't get to care for her much longer as you wished.
And “I promise you that if you hang in there you'll be at peace and you'll be glad that you did without regrets”. How are you going to live up to that promise, Benton? What are you going to do if it doesn’t work out? What will you say to God about that?
Lastly “You have the right to have your opinion and I'm not judging you either. But I would never turn my back on the one who loved me enough to keep me”. This isn’t even a ‘therapeutic lie’. It’s blindingly obvious that you ARE judging and condemning someone who doesn’t go along with your ideas of right and wrong.
Moonboots to you, Benton!
While I had somewhat come to peace with putting my life on a shelf for a while to take care of them, a recent medical issue brought some clarity. I will need shoulder surgery in the next few months, and it became obvious that my mother would be unwilling for a friend of mine to stay with us to help me (and them) after the surgery. I have realized that I’m not getting any younger (I’m 55), and I need to take care of myself as a priority.
My first step will be staying with some friends after the surgery, to get the help I will need, and to give the folks a trial run of what it will be like without help.
After that, we’ll see what happens, but I look forward to seeing how your separation works out.
Anyone who tells you that you have it “easy” is not worth listening to, and that includes your own inner critic!