My 82-year-old mother has dementia. She is in the hospital and then will probably go into care. I have done everything for her. I called her last night at the hospital and I heard her shouting to to the nurse, "I don’t want to speak to her!" I’m finished with her, she is dead to me. I was in complete shock. I asked the nurse to ask her why and Mom said, "She has emptied my bank account and stole all my money." I am really upset and I know it’s the dementia talking, but I can’t forgive her and it’s killing me. I would never take anything from her and am hurt beyond belief at being accused of this. I can’t stop crying. What can I do?
What's Mom in the hospital for?
People in pain, affected by pain meds, delirius, afraid, say all sorts of things.
Yes claims of financial elder abuse need to be taken seriously. But... also noted, researched & investigated in the proper lawful way.
Someone in a strange place, fearful & angry can often ball up all that & throw it at their nearest & dearest. Because deep down they know they are still loved.
That was aimed at you - her nearest & dearest.
Ride it out.
Think clinically.
Call the hospital in the AM and ask to speak to the charge nurse. Tell her that your mother is demonstrating a sharp change in mental status. Ask for them to check for a UTI. Consider that this may be hospital delirium.
Make a plan of action to deal with this situation on a day-by-day basis, and to leave your emotions out of it, because otherwise, it's going to be a very, very long road to get her from point A to point B. Level heads MUST prevail now in order to get her the help she needs, to be able to speak clearly & rationally with the staff in the hospital, and to then get her into rehab and/or placed permanently in Memory Care or Skilled Nursing. Put aside all the irrational accusations and realize that tomorrow, she likely will have forgotten all about what she accused you of doing today. Yet you spent all night crying and dying over something she has no memory of and no control over! Put it all into perspective as you push forward. Dementia is certainly not easy to deal with, but keep a smile on your face when you deal with her & remember, it's not MOM talking but the disease.
Sorry, but you need to toughen up.
I hate this, for all of us. Take good care.
But thinking back to when you were a child and you went shopping with mom and you wanted a candy bar, or a toy and she said NO. And you said..."I hate you" or when you were grounded for some "ridiculous" reason and you said.."I hate you and I'm going to move out as soon as I can" or "maybe during a fight you said some other hateful thing.
Did you really mean what you said, or was it just your immediate anger, you said what you thought at the moment.
What was your mom's response?
Do what your mom did back then. Ignore the comment said when you were angry.
When you see your mom she will probably have forgotten what she said.
So should you.
Give her a hug, tell her that you love her.
YOU know that you have done nothing to hurt her physically, mentally, financially. People that work with people that have dementia hear all sorts of things and take most of what they hear with a grain of salt.
Mom 85 had a heart attack last year and was sent to rehab where she was miserable. She constantly complained and took no ownership for her recovery.
When she was released to her apartment she continued telling me how much she hated me for putting her in rehab. She said she hated me everyday she was there. Yes, this was hurtful and hard to hear. I told her it was the hospital's decision because she was so weak and no I didn't own the hospital and had no control over their decisions.
Even putting dementia aside my mom is and always was difficult. We were never close. She gets agitated and incites arguments with me.
I have set boundaries and when I visit if she starts an argument I tell her mom I am leaving because I am not fighting with you. If she seems agitated I leave & say I will see you later when you are feeling better.
Now I have some serious health issues partly from high stress levels, (dad died in 2020). I had a stroke and now have cardiac issues to address. I will care from afar and let my sister do the hands on and coordinating the sitters.
My dad told me yesterday I’m not much of a daughter, I said dad you know I love you.
My dad is in respite; every doctor says it’s dementia, but we’re still waiting for a formal diagnosis. my dad is angry and agitated. He is sad. He’s losing mobility rapidly. he wants to go home. I do everything I can to support him.
my dad sat with me in A&E when I miscarried, he has been a massive part of my grown sons life. he is the sweetest man in the world. An amazing gorgeous dad. I’ve been blessed. Those words were spoken by dementia, not dad. The same with your mum
i still cried, because I’m grieving. It’s hurts but forgive her. I don’t know what our limits are with these things, but I pray if, when it happens again, my answer will be the same
sending a hug xx
Another poster mentioned kids yelling "I Hate you" to a parent. I never did that to my parents and my kids never did that to me. Some things you can't take back.
If you are unable to handle the abuse please back off for a while. I know it hurts, but unfortunately, there isn't anything you can do to change what they say.
:)
hug!!
i echo what ldk says.
and i have a friend in a similar situation. in her case, the mother used to be sweet. now (dementia), she says AWFUL, hurtful things to her super sweet daughter who helps A LOT.
my friend told me it took her a lot of training (repeating “it’s the disease”). now it still hurts, but less.
but my friend told me — it took a long time for her to get to this level of hurting less.
I do believe dementia brings out a person’s true colors removes the vale that allowed them to hide their true self or the vale that allowed us to see the person in a more positive light.
We all love to hear praise. We want to hear "What a good girl you are; what would I EVER do without you; thank you for all you do for me". But when it is an illness talking, that isn't something we will hear. We have to count on our own inner believe about how good we are, irregardless of the opinion of others.
Your poor Mom is struggling now. My heart goes out to you both.
God bless. You are in my prayers.
Try not to be hurt, and try to find sympathy for her instead, because she truly can't control her fear and her behavior any more. It's like a toddler who hits or bites or throws tantrums because she doesn't understand, can't be logical, and can't express herself any other way. You are a good person.
Be kind to yourself. Take a break for a while. Don't call your mother. Communicate with the hospital to get updates on her. Good luck.
Were you also embarrassed and angry for the nurse to hear your mother's words?
It might be embarrassment combined with anger that is making you feel this way, rather than an inability to forgive. You know it's the disease talking,..unless, of course, she was like this prior to illness.
If you can't take it anymore, and want to be done with her, as you say, that is your choice to make. Be aware, however, that down the line you may find yourself dealing with something else by having done so...like added guilt and sadness, questioning the person you are, etc. Just a head's up--because every action has a reaction. In everything. Everything is connected.
Take time to cry and scream and maybe even write her a letter that you'll never give her. Get it out. Then step back and breathe. Then decide how to proceed.
We get so raw, too raw, and we can't see or feel the forest through the trees.
Best wishes, big hugs.
I know exactly how you feel because I went through the same thing with my mom. The only difference was that my sibling was telling her all these lies and she believed them because of the dementia.
She ended up passing almost a year ago but I’m still having problems since I was the one who took care of her for years and not my sibling.
I know I’ll never forgive my sibling but hope someday I get get rid of the anger I have for my mom. Just want you to know that you’re not alone and sending you hugs. 🤗
“I know I’ll never forgive my sibling”
i understand you.
“The only difference was that my sibling was telling her all these lies”
it’s bizarre, but somehow very common——the non-helpers often falsely criticize/accuse/LIE.
it’s possible they feel guilty for not helping, so what to do??? make the one helping look bad.
if you look too good, they look worse.
hug!!
Wishing you all the best.