My Mom (87) and I'm 64 and I can't care for her anymore. Any advice?

It's funny, my mother and I were eating lunch and she commented on all of her friends who had died, either before their mother or shortly after their mother's death. Mother said "an old woman will kill a young woman who's trying to take care of her. They just work them to death." I'm sure she didn't see the irony of her comment. It's before I got help. Thanks God for my mother's caregiver. I still put in 30 - 40 hours a week related to her care, but I do have help. This AM she got up before daylight and I heard the shower turn off (it squeaks) I came running downstairs to find her just stepping out of the shower at 5:20 AM announcing that she was going to college when I asked what she was doing. Of course she slept all morning. I had to work. (I run my business from home.) I can only imagine how hard it is on those of you who are doing it all alone. My advice is the same as Honeybeemay. Get a lady to help out. Also call the county, state or local government. They all have a bureau of aging or something similar.

Thank you. One year later, I am felling better today and up to 135 normal lbs.! I still have financial concerns with an uncertain retirement, but I own my now solely owned CA condo free and clear. Thank goodness for something positive.

My sister has been gone a full 2 years. Caring for mother added to her stress and she died suddenly. What happens if your mom out lives you? Whatever those plans are make them happen, now. We had to let mother live alone and hope for the best. When she fell, the doctor stated that she could no longer live alone. She is now, happy, clean, hair fixed, nails done and 95 years old.

She was as bad, as you describe your mom. My other sister and I live 1500 miles away, so her 50 YO grandson stepped in as POA.

Good luck and do what you have to do.

That is severe weight loss for someone 5ft 8. I wish you a better future in rebuilding your life physically, financially and emotionally. Hugs and Prayers.

My months of caring for Mom had worn me down to 110 lbs (I am 5'8" tall). I am glad to have some family to ask for help.In 2012, kept my then 92-year-old mom at home as long as we were able to maintain her independence until April last year. After several falls and her severe protests about keeping her in a board-and-care, a family member from out-of-state finally decided she needed more care than my CA arrangements could provide; she just could no longer afford to stay in CA. Her funds ran out in Oregon one year ago. Medicaid paid for her assisted living and helped with Mom through the last month on hospice care (Medicare for last month?). In 2012 - 2013, I was out of work most of those months and had to get the CA Dept. of Rehab to assist me in training and seeking work. I did not work at all this year. I have just completed some special training but hope to earn some money next year. I am only 59 and now must use Medi-Cal for health insurance.

Oh, I was also going to say that you might want to have her tested for vaginosis. My gran had reoccurring uti/yeast issues. When she was in the hospital, I had to wipe her, and found she had a very stinky discharge (sorry about the gross factor, but I think most of us have been there). I immediately told the nurse that she looked as though she had a problem with vaginosis. The nurse had her looked at and lo and behold, that was the problem. They gave her a specific antibiotic and she got rid of all those "problems" with the uti/yeast infections.

My mom is 65 taking care of her 86 yr old mom with me doing the meals and shots during the week now. Gran lives in her own home. Mom suffered a serious health setback that makes her blood too thick. I have many other things in life besides just Gran. I think my gran is also quickly loosing her memory. She's often morose about life. She's not going to qualify for medicaid assistance, and she hates to use her hard earned savings to go into any assisted living or in home care. It is sooo expensive. Honestly, I thought this was my mom writing your post...LOL. You have to have some respite help. You just have to. If you can't get your family involved then it may be time to hire some private help. We are in the process of trying to find someone that gran will trust to come in and help about 3 times a week. While we are thinking eight hr shifts, she's thinking, just a couple hrs here and there. Sorry, that won't work. Still, hiring someone with experience who is a little older and known to be a gentle soul would probably be your best bet because you can pay someone directly a little more than min. wage, instead of paying 17 bucks and hour with only minimum wage going to the caregiver and the rest pocketed by the agency that sent them out.

I'm 50's and responsible for 2 parents in 90's. There are tons of us with these elderly, frail, sick parents. Its no fun, but they are our parents....please accept our heartfelt supports here on this website. And please follow with MA, VA, and local agencies. There are other 50-60's folks who have loss their parents, and may be able to lend a hand, once they have healed from doing for their own parents.

Good luck and God Bless you. It's really tough.

Here is a website that skims over and links to underused government resources for the elderly: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/10-Government-Programs-Caregivers-Can-Access-for-Their-Elderly-Parents-120513.htm

I'd also take a look at this website. http://www.eldercaredirectory.org/state-resources.htm

Here's a section from it:

"Every state has an Aging Services Division dedicated to providing frail seniors with home and community-based services, so that they can continue living in their own homes, instead of having to enter a nursing home.

A wide range of state assistance programs are generally available to eligible seniors, including home health aides and skilled nursing care, home-delivered meals, help with household chores, transportation to shopping and medical appointments, as well as counseling, advocacy and legal aid.

In addition to these programs that help senior citizens directly, many states also offer caregiver assistance programs that provide family caregivers with information, counseling, and respite services."

And here is one more site that may be helpful: http://www.needhelppayingbills.com/html/senior_assistance_programs.html.

The county we live in offers assistance to the elderly. Fortunately my mother and I have enough funds to pay someone to look after her when I work. She got the money through the VA from my father. Look into that for your mom. If your dad was a vet, your mom should qualify unless she remarried. The VA widow's benefit is about $1100 per month. That pays my helper $250 per week and I furnish her an apartment in our home. It was my mother's apartment and I moved her into the master bedroom. You will need help in filling out the paper work. The trick question that must be answered correctly is "does her medical expense exceed her income?" Medical expense can include a hired person who helps her to get a bath, and with eating, toileting and grooming. I had someone sign a form saying that she gave my mother that and charged $1,000 monthly. That was my mother's total income from social security. I made a list of her drugs, medical deductible etc. It came to $1600 per month. I think we factored in her living expenses, utilities etc. There are people at the VA who will help you with that or refer you to someone who will.
Next - contact your county, city, state and find out if there is respite care. This is a service that comes in to look after your mother while you go shopping, get your hair done (lots of luck) etc.Our county provides that and also provides a service like you're getting from medicare - help with bathing etc.
There is also meals on wheels if she can eat normal food. If not, get a good blender (3 HP minimum) make smoothies. This is good for her health & will provide nutrition. I put frozen strawberries, blueberries and fresh spinich along with rice milk in mine. You can add protein powder to give a nutritional boost to your mother. They taste very good (be careful of the protein powder. some tastes good, some yucky) and my mother and I both drink them. I like to put a raw egg in also for extra nutrition, but you have to get home grown eggs because of the filth in poultry houses and danger of salmonella. Throw in 3 ice cubes and viola - a great between meals booster or even replacement depending on the contents of your blend. Raw and living foods will help both you and your mother. Eat raw whenever possible - sprouts, salads, smoothies. Avoid ALL processed foods including - especially- bread. We use cornbread made with corn meal from Mexico, it's cheap and they don't use the chemicals on their corn that are used here. If I cook, it's fresh greens, organic chicken, organic potatoes, brown rice. Avoid processed sugar. I use real maple syrup. Sounds expensive, but if you're not eating meat, you would be surprised at the grocery savings. No wheat four at all. It's all poisoned by the chemical companies who have the farmers in their pocket selling the insect killers, fertilizers etc. My mother is 103 and is able to bathe herself and feed herself. I believe that diet is a big factor in her health. Some people think we're nuts, but I'm 67 and do at least half of my mother's care and run 3 businesses and keep up with the home and even paint and do our own remodeling projects. Food is the main source of health.

Thats life: well said!!

1sally, euthanasia is an individual's choice. It is not any other person's choice. You cannot put a person to death for your own needs or reasons.

Raycom1, you are worn down emotionally, mentally and physically. I would see if Catholic Charities or your local parish or church, if you have a home church, can offer some immediate hands-on assistance so you can step away for breaks andcget usome systematic help and a big change in your situation.This means starting by getting refreshed in some way, even if it's meeting a friend for coffee, or going to the library to read magazines for a few hours.

If you have a faith practice, continue to use it. If not, find some daily practice that helps you get balanced and centered and feel peace. For me this is prayer, or reading/meditating on the Psalms.


There is no quick fix or easy answer. But there is love and kindness. Open yourself to it step by step and accept small progress.

Get connected with a church or community organization who can help. Reach out today if you can. You are not alone even though it feels like it. Holding you and your mom in my prayers.

1sally you sound like someone who shouldn't be on this site. Responding to someone who is earnestly looking for advise and giving them your evil sarcastic remarks is rude & crude.

Since you do not say what your limitations are, why can't her doctor order an evaluation and recommendation she be placed in a facility? I'm 66 yrs., my husband is 88 yrs. with dementia and newly diagnosed lung cancer, and I will care for him until I cannot lift him (weighs 110 lbs.). See about filing for Medicaid and getting her into a facility. Good luck!

Try calling the Easter Seal Society. They can provide some care or maybe offer advice. This is not a government agency, so maybe her illegal status would not be an issue and the cost is reasonable-$20 an hour where I live with a 2 hour minimum. Well, 'reasonable' is a relative thing but maybe 2 or 3 hours a week would give you some relief. I agree with you that often the hardest part is that they are so miserable and lacking in enjoyment. And I think they are also really scared. Don't know how to help there.

Have you looked into getting medicaid for your mother so that she can move into a nursing home?

Well, join the club. I'm 63 and my 91 y/o mother, who has Dementia, lives with my husband and me, she has been here for almost 3 horrible years. I have no help from my sibling who live in mexico, who refuse to share the financial responsibility of her care, she is illegally here so she can't receive any government help, The first year she was here 2 of my brothers sent me a total of $475.00, that doesn't cover the diapers we need to buy and her medicines, never mind the doctor's visits and the 2 times I had to take her to the dentist because her mouth was, and still is, a disaster. She lived with my b*tch of a sister in Cabo San Lucas for 3 years in the "care" of this awful woman who abused her and was so vulgar it was disgusting to hear her all day long. Of course, my sister has NOT sent one red cent. My life has changed so dramatically, I used to be very active in sports and with my family here, now I'm trapped in my own house caring for this person, who can't enjoy anything, can't do anything, who is frail and in pain, it's so frustrating, for the past two years and with her geriatric doctor's approval, I bought a nursing home belt to tie her to the bed when I go out. One of my daughters, (We have 2) lives next door so she keeps an eye on her when I go out for some air. This poor people should just pass away peacefully, why do we insist in keeping alive someone who suffers like this. We should just let Nature take it's course. You at least have some options, Medicare or a nursing home you can afford. Believe me, NO ONE WANTS TO TAKE CARE OF OLD PEOPLE WHO ARE SICK AND WITH THIS MENTAL DISEASES. No matter how much you try to sweeten the subject, nursing homes are just places who profit from adult children who just refuse to give up their lives to care for their sick, old parents and choose to have someone else change their diapers and clean them up. This is not, NOT pleasant, it's disgusting, it's awful, I hate it. When I brought my mother here, I did it under the assumption that my siblings in mexico were going to help, well I stopped asking 2 years ago, it's impossible to squeeze water out of a rock, as far as I'm concerned, they can all go to hell.
So I tell you RAYCOM246, exhaust all your options, find out what kind of government help you can get for your mother. I don't know if you have siblings, children to help you out. Reach out to your mother's own siblings, hopefully they will step out to the plate and help you out.
You also need to take care of yourself, both mentally and physically otherwise you will go crazy. Stay in touch with friends, find a hobby, get a membership to a gym or the YMCA, go out, even if it's for a couple of hours, even if it's alone, you need to spend some time away from your mother to recharge your mental batteries, to recharge your patience batteries and to enjoy some peace.
You didn't mention if you are married, but if you are, I hope your husband is on board with you in this. I just couldn't do this without my husband help and understanding, he has shown more compassion, more understanding and more responsibility than my own uncaring, irresponsible siblings.
I wish you the best of luck, ALL OF US ADULT CHILDREN, BARING THE BURDEN OF HAVING TO LOOK AFTER OLD, SICK, MENTALLY ILL PARENTS, NEED A LOAD OF IT.

I am I n same boat. Mom is 88 and I am alone . I have had her in my home for 2 years. I didn't know what you meant about meals. I have chopper and puree moms food. Will she quLify for medicaid.My mom wont ,but if placed in nursing home, she will. I empathize with you. Where do you live. I don't want to place my mom I n nursing home, but may have to.at some point.sounds like nh may be your only choice . You can still spend a lot of time with her and check on them.

ask her Dr to get her evaluated and ask your local Area of Aging Agency to help you out w/ locating an assisted living/nursing home that she can be admitted into.