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It has been about 3 years now since diagnoses but she has been living with me and my husband for years, almost our entire marriage on and off for 30 years and I am sick of her. She was told by doctor that she had medical problems and she ignored it all including proper medications all of which contributed to her dementia. I am an only child and the only one stupid enough to care about her enough to be her caregiver. Sure she is loved by family but they have lives to lead and problems of their own. I just recently found out about her medical denial and it infuriates me to no end. Why would she do this to me and my family, to herself? We were best friends .I am a prisoner in my home now because of her selfish choices, a prisoner of her dementia. I love her dearly and will miss her when she is gone but sometimes that day can't come to soon enough. I feel horrible and guilty for not being lucky and happy to care for her in her time of need.

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Time to place Mom in a facility .
Don’t let HER health problems ruin YOUR life , your marriage , your mental and physical health .

You are not a horrible person , you did not make your mother ill or old .
Being “ lucky” to care for someone with dementia is a load of cr4p . It’s devastating for the person who has it as well as those taking care of that person. It has tentacles that grips and squeezes the life out of everyone . This is exactly why there are facilities.

You’ve done more than enough . Everyone has their limits . Once Mom gets adjusted , you may find that your relationship improves with her again .
Maybe yes , maybe no . Some will continue to guilt trip you over placement , others enjoy assisted living . Some will guilt trip you when you are there , but when you aren’t there they actually are fine . But don’t let that stop you because the only thing that is certain is that it will get worse for you to keep her at home .

Even if she gives you a hard time when she’s in a facility, you get to go home after a visit . And again , no guilt , you did not make her sick and in need of care in a facility .

Time to take your life back .
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Reply to waytomisery
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You are not a bad person! You have done far more than 99% of the population. At least you have good memories to look back on. My mom has a personality disorder and takes pleasure from demeaning, disagreeing with and criticizing just about everyone who comes into contact with her. It was hell growing up. Anyway, like you, there is *no one left* but me. I am about ready to crack from the stress - last time I visited her she started in on me and I turned around and walked out. She is in memory care now - I took care of her for 3 years but the final straw was she refused my suggestions that she needed to use the bathroom and I got tired of having to clean up her pee and poo on the floor and bed because she waited too long. Time after time!! She will never be in my house again. After the last episode of her starting to attack me verbally, I wound up in the emergency room with severe chest pains. I thought it was a heart attack but was a spasoming esophagus brought on by stress! I PRAY that she has an easy death and that she will go SOON, but I'm afraid she'll outlive me. She would love that!

She called the police on my husband saying he had stolen all of her money. And because I was doing so much for her, I was unable to "cater" to my husband and he moved out. 40 years married and our divorce will be final by years end. Don't let that happen to you!

Your Mom didn't do her part to keep herself up, and now you have to do extra because of that! Same as my Mom - she knew she had dementia but would not downsize or do one damn thing to prepare for the inevitable.

So you are NOT a bad person. You are doing too much. I would NEVER expect my children to "take me in". I have gotten tested "baseline" for Alzheimers so when the first signs appear I can take meds or other appropriate steps. I'm 63 and she's ruining my retirement. I can't get her out of my head, and when I visit, her difficult alzheimers behaviors DRIVE ME UP A WALL.

So you are not alone and NOT A BAD PERSON! I'll bet money that she did not take care of her Mom like you are taking care of her.

I pray to get rid of my hostility and resentment but I'm at my limits and may take a couple of weeks off. To make things worse I also feel guilty about my feelings towards her.

You are a good person!!
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Reply to IneedPeace
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MeDolly Aug 30, 2024
I hope that she takes your words into consideration and places her mother.

Me, I was never willing to let a LO live with me, at one time I had three in AL, one died another 4 years ago, then his wife was moved to MC and died 6 months ago. The one left is my 99 yo mother, she is in AL.

Your story is not unusual, I am so sorry that this happened to you.
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You didn't make your mom old or sick and you're NOT a bad person.
However you did make some bad choices by allowing your mom to live with you the majority of your married life, and now I'm sure you feel stuck.
But guess what? You're not stuck, and you can now start taking your life back by looking into placing your mom in the appropriate facility. And if money is and issue for her, then she'll/you'll have to apply for Medicaid for her.
You have more than paid your dues to your mom, and it's now time to have your life back, and get mom out of your house.
You, your husband and your marriage deserve that much don't you think?
Once mom is placed in a facility, you can get back to just being her daughter and advocate and not her unhappy, guilt ridden and exhausted caregiver.
I wish you the very best in finding the right facility for your mom.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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You are not stuck. If Mom has no assets, other than her monthly income, you can get her placed in Longterm care with Medicaid paying. Her SS and any pension will go towards her care. Give you and your husband some peace. Make an appointment with a Medicaid caseworker at Social Services.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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“I feel Horrible and Guilty for not being happy to care for her in her time of need”. Get over it! Do I feel H & G for being born into a wealthy western country, instead of being arrested for not covering my face and hair? Or feeling 'happy' about covering it? No I don’t! And neither should you have equally ridiculous thoughts.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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