She is relatively young (64 this year). In poor health from years of poor lifestyle choices. She never held a job above minimum wage and was always taken care of by her husbands. We (me 40 f, my husband 40 m, and our 18 yo son) moved her and my step-father into our home as he was on hospice and we wanted to help her work on her health(lose weight for joint replacement surgeries). He passed shortly after moving in. She stopped living period. I tried to convince her to go to therapy which she agreed but never did. She just seemed concerned about her pain pills and internet connection. She constantly uses the fact my brother passed (2011) and my stepfather passed as why she can't. I gave her a year to grieve and then tried again to get her moving towards getting healthier. Mind you after my step dad passed. We took on some of her financial obligations as she no longer could afford much. She never does anything for herself, but will craft constantly and spend 900 dollars a month (which she doesn't have) on crafting supplies, makeup, and getting her nails done. She is super passive aggressive in how she communicates with us. She would call my son down and have him let her dog out, get her food, bring her things. He started to feel like a servant. I told her she needed to stop asking him for things (trying to save their relationship) she was to ask me. It wasn't that she couldn't do these things, she said they hurt too much. I suggested a wheelchair, which would allow her greater mobility and freedom. She refuses. I have to take care of my father now as he has ALS. We are moving to Ohio. I have already moved her. (I paid for everything) I found a full ADA senior community nearby which is income based. (I again did everything to include getting the utilities switched because she "couldn't figure out how" and paid all the deposits. I still pay for her car, her insurance, her phone, and other items she may need. I am also paying for an aid to come in twice a week (out of pocket) to help with cooking, cleaning, and assisting with showers until I get there. I constantly have to reminder her to make appointments and leave for them on time. She still has not made a mental health appointment even though I have been telling her (yes telling, she needs that more than anything) for two months. She says she misses me, but I don't miss her. I am starting to resent her. I asked her what her future plans were and she told me "well I'm just going to live with you for the rest of my life" the hell she is. I asked her if she thought about how her actions affected her family and played the, “I try not to bother you, I'm sorry, I'm the victim here,” passive aggressive tone. She complained that my 18 year old son (who is assisting her, my father, and finishing up senior year) did not visit her once during his spring break (which consisted of a Friday, Sat. Sun and Monday off. Not a full week) I told her that was his time. Then she complained she only sees him two hours a week but wants to visit and not bug him to do things for her, but then says he needs to stay longer to do things for her. What? She was also using the aid I am paying out of pocket for to decorate her house. Not for essentials. Didn't occur to her that was wasting my money, because she's not paying for it. She has also discovered a bidding site and is buying things she doesn't need, doesn't have the money for, and doesn't have the space for. When I told her she frustrates us when we visit her she got defensive and said" well am I supposed to not be me?" Got mad and hung up. I am at my wits end. I don't know what she wants and our relationship is not good. I feel she doesn't respect me or my family and wants us to fawn over her because "she's the mother/grandmother." My mental health is taking a toll and affecting my life. Am I over reacting? What can I do better? What can be changed in the situation to make it better? Any advice?
Your profile says she's in independent living, let her live independently.
Call Adult Protective Services in her area and report her as a vulnerable mentally ill adult.
Do not EVER allow her to move back into your home.
Does your mother come from a different culture that believes children "owe" their parents?
Does your mother have long standing mental and/or cognitive problems?
We live in a society that chooses to provide for people who are elderly or mentally ill through tax-supported social services. It's not perfect, but she needs to be on the radar of Adult Protective Services.
That's who should be supporting mom. Not you.
What I do know is dealing with dependant personalities needs very strong boundaries.
Otherwise your time, energy & money can be drained away for their use.
"It's no-one's fault, but the 'disabled' person sort of takes over". This was told to me by a very wise experienced professionaI. Maybe they don't know who else to turn to? Or they lack insight or lack motivation to look.
Certainly if you provide everything your Mother needs, this will reduce her motivation to look elsewhere.
It may take finding a good counsellor for yourself to learn some stratgies towards building those boundaries. (This helped me tremendously). Also to find out what resources are available to point your Mother towards.
Focus on your needs. You are equally as important as your mom. You have to prepare for your own future.
Wishing you all the best. You deserve to live in peace.
You are an adult her equal and have a right to have your own life.
She is lazy & spoiled, set your boundaries and stick to them. She can apply for government aid if she needs monetary support, you are not a bank,
You do understand that she is young and could live for another 20 years or longer, my mother is 98.
Now is the time to correct the situation. Therapy may help you navigate through this problem. Best of luck!
Find out what resources are available to her. Does her independent living supply transportation, then she needs to use it. Does the County offer a bus for transportation. Can she get Medicaid for health insurance if so, they offer transportation. My State offers a prescription plan for those that don't qualify for Medicaid. People on assistance can get free cell phones and a certain number of minutes free. I use Tracfone. They have cheap phones and you pay as u go minutes. They roll over. You allow her so many minutes a month.
Call the Office of Aging for help with resources. If Mom can't afford the IL there are other options. Do not move her back in with you. And realize that Dad is going to need a lot of care. He may even need skilled Nursing. ALS is very debilitating.
My mantra.. I am here to help people find a way, not be the way.
For example, if your name is Mary, instead of “I pay for her insurance”, you would write, “Mary pays for her insurance.”
Do that for every sentence that describes how you are behaving, in relationship to your mother.
I bet that after you do, you will see that “Mary” is making decisions that are enabling her mother, to the detriment of both Mary AND Mary’s mother.
This exercise may just give you the perspective you need to make necessary changes to benefit you both.
Wish I'd read that years ago - but no regrets - starting today.
Always good to find another great tool for the toolbox.
Thank you Cxmoody.
her comment about not being able to be somebody other than herself tells me she doesn’t really know who that is, because “herself“ can’t afford $900 a month for craft supplies, a car, car, insurance, and all the other things she enjoys. I think it would behoove you to cancel any credit cards. She has access to, stop paying out of your own pocket for her expenses, and teach her what the person she actually is can afford.
she is extremely young, and you could be dealing with this for another 25 years for all you know, and that is absolutely unsustainable.
The sooner you nip this in the bud, the happier everyone, including your mother will be. It's time the entire family stops this strange dance of codependency.