Taking care of my parents. Both have some form of dementia and other physical limitations. My sister only comes over once a week and that is to visit.
I am doing all alone, except sometimes mom's friend who also lives here helps out. She too is getting the dementia. ANY suggestions would be helpful.
Hire caregivers that can help out with some things. (Your parents should pay for the caregivers NOT you or your husband.)
These are your parents not his so "expecting" him to help is maybe a bit much. Frankly "Expecting" anyone to help is a bit much. You do it because you want to. Or for some reason feel you have to.
Caring for 1 person with dementia is a full time job. Taking care of 2 parents with dementia AND a host of other medical problems is more than 1 person should be doing.
I am sure your husband might be feeling a bit "put out" the fact that both his in laws have moved into his house and are taking your time and some attention from him.
As their care needs increase are you going to be able to care for both of them safely?
Hiring caregivers can help a lot.
If they are able to participate finding an Adult Day program for 1 or both of them can be a game changer in the amount of work that you do. It gives them a break, you a break and provides some stimulation for them.
And when their care becomes more than you can handle looking into Memory Care for them where they will be safe, will have 24/7 care is not a failure on your part but acknowledging that their care is ore than you can manage at home.
Suggestion, start looking for a home to place them in so that you can regain your life.
You're in way over your head, it sounds like, and expecting help and support from people who may not have wanted this burden on them in the first place. Unless your DH was 100% on board with taking care of dementia riddled elders inside of his home, you can't expect him to be all gung-ho about it. And, even if he agreed with moving them in, seeing these dementia behaviors up close and personal now is a whole different ball of wax!
Your parents are in their 70s. My mother lived to 95, dad to 91. Are you prepared and capable of caring for them for the next decade or more? And if so, at what cost to you and your marriage? I am an only child so I had nobody to rely on for help. It was set in stone that my parents would move into managed care and that I'd be their advocate and manage their lives for them. When mom developed dementia, she went into Memory Care Assisted Living because she needed a team of people working 24/7 to properly see to her needs! Not me, alone, pretending to be Superwoman and insisting my husband help mom on the toilet or in the shower.
Hire help. Place your parents together in Memory Care Assisted Living. Rid yourself of the notion that it's your job or your DHs job or your sisters job to care for all these elders at home alone. It's not possible, which is what you're finding out.
Hold up the white flag of surrender now and tell DH you need help figuring out how to get these elders out of your house now and into managed care. Take your lives back asap, that's my suggestion. Good luck to you.
OK. Time to arrange other help then.
What is preventing you from doing that?
Its time to talk to an elder lawyer to have your parents placed in LTC. Not an AL, they need LTC. If they have no money, then you apply for Medicaid. You cannot continue to go on like this. I actually sympathize with ur husband. He virtually has 3 strangers living in his house.
The friend...if she has family they need to be notified that she is showing signs of Dementia and you cannot care for her. They need to make plans on how she will be cared for. If they do not step up to the plate, then call APS and give them the numbers of her family. Tell them the woman needs care that you cannot provide.
You have options, take advantage of them or it could be your marriage. Your husband should be #1.