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I will leave it to others with more experience to suggest effective techniques; but I'm pretty sure you're going to want to focus on redirection to reassure him. You can't use reason to convince someone who is irrational because of his disease.
Do your best not to be horrified by the nature of the accusation. Think of it in the same terms as you would if he accused you of being an opium dealer. His beliefs are heart-breaking but most of all they are not real. Hugs to you.
I echo Countrymouse in her empathy. That must be SO hard! One thing that works for me when my husband gets agitated is for me to face him and deep breathe. He usually mimicks me. We stand, face to face, and breathe together. It's a loving, reassuring moment together. Worth a try. Good luck!
You can’t convince him. You can only redirect him.
google Teepa Snow and watch some of her videos on YouTube. You’ll see that she teaches techniques such as Supergirl mentions and CountryMouse referred to in order to redirect your husband’s thoughts. Also remember that this behavior will pass as his disease progresses.
Being a caregiver to a person with a mental illness is crazy making. It’s such a labor of love for the person that was and hard to remember that his poor brain has been hijacked. . I hope today is a better day for both of you.
I have heard this a lot - did you try using the search box to find other threads here?
When my DH would become agitated that I was looking for another man - I said, he was all the man I could handle. A really good hug helped him to quit worrying.
Another time I asked him when he thought I could be looking as we're together 24/7. Again, contact with him helped a lot.
As mentioned, remember this really isn't about you - it's about what he is perceiving in his damaged state of mind. It won't be any better the day he forgets who you are and yes, it does come. I had to deal with his guilt the day he touched me and then realized he didn't know who I was, so he felt ashamed. And the day that he thought he was cheating on me - and it was with me.
If you can stay calm, this will help him to think a little better. Sometimes putting more light in the room will also help.
I also deal with the same thing with my husband of 63 years. He is on the Estradiol patch which helps some, but still brings up that I must be seeing someone. I just smile, assure him I love him, and then change the subject.
So many good and caring answers on this site! My MIL was sure someone was stealing her change purse that had her dimes for Bingo! And sadly that the man upstairs had a knife and wanted to kill her, but no one lived above her. My own mother would accuse me of stealing money even though I was paying her bills. The saddest is a friends mother, with dementia, thought her husband was trying to kill her! Very frightening for her and for him. Fortunately the Dr. and the police were aware of what was really going on. I’ve shared on this site before that there are anti anxiety meds that can really help AT the correct dosage. I wish I had known sooner, but I’m so thankful that my mother’s last few months were so pleasant for her and for me and everyone around her. It can calm all the negative and fearful thoughts and make them more content. The thing we want for all our loved ones is to be safe and content until their final day. God bless you with His perfect guidance and care.
My husband doesn’t have dementia, but he is bedridden. Our love life was over a decade ago. I act young for my age (64) and make friends easily. My husband did make a comment recently about “my boyfriend” ( an imagined one. I’ve never given him any reason to question my fidelity) but under his sarcasm I could see some hurt and worry. I told him, “Oh, sure, right! Who in the he** would want ME? My saggy, wrinkled neck (and I mentioned other saggy, wrinkled body parts as well). I have no money, surgery scars all over, no energy...Can you imagine what kind of bum I’d attract?!” We both had a really good laugh, a smooch, and then I went to make his lunch.
Well Ahmijoy I would suggest you try this... Dress up at your very best before the last meal of an evening, wearing what your Husband loved to see you wear with plenty of lip stick and a mini skirt if you wish and watch your Husbands face as you enter into the room and wait for Husband to say " OH YOU ARE HEADING OFF OUT TONIGHT THEN " and reply no not at all as you dressed up for Him. While yer Love Life might have come to an end a decade ago due to your Husbands ill health You are still a beautiful young Woman and He will never stop loving you.
Your husband's brain is damaged and you cannot reason with a damaged brain. Teepa Snow has excellent videos on how to calm and redirect people with dementia.
If this was happening to me, I would eventually really explode and tell your husband off so strongly, he will go into shock. Be strong, be firm. Tell him that it is NO, NO, NO and unless he stops this crap at once, YOU WILL GO OUT AND FIND SOMEONE ELSE AND ABANDON HIM. I doubt you would do that but I have found that sometimes really telling someone off and scaring them to death helps. I had a slightly different situation and handled everything with diplomacy, kindness, humor - nothing worked. One day I exploded. The problems never occurred again. And do it again if you need to. Why should YOU be tormented because he is mental? I don't care if he is mentally challenged or not, you do NOT have to put up with this - ever!
Do you understand that FTD stands for frontotemporal degeneration as in dementia? Dementia is NOT a mental illness; it is a brain disease. And even if it were a mental illness, it is unkind to call a person "mental". Perhaps you will consider editing your post and offering a more humane approach.
AveMaria, of course you are not having an affair! How could you possibly find time? But that is logical thought, and persons with dementia are notorious for being unable to apply logic to situations.
Delusions are extremely common in most kinds of dementia, particularly during periods of paranoia. It is scary for the world not to make sense, and some of the explanations persons with dementia come up with are even scarier. "I can't find my coin purse! Oh no! I won't have dimes for bingo! Someone must have taken it. I'll bet it was that ugly man who scowls all the time." Or "I'm glad I have a new pair of sunglasses. I'm going to hide this pair so no one will steal it. ... Oh no! I'm sure I got a new pair of sunglasses. My daughter said she liked them. I'll bet she stole them." In many of these delusions, some one is the bad guy. That someone may be chosen at random!
I am SO GLAD that my husband's paranoid period only lasted a few months. I don't think I would have survived ten years of it. He was sure I was stealing his money. He told this to neighbors. He tried reporting this to the sheriff's office (but couldn't dial the number correctly.) When he confronted me directly I said, "Oh honey. I know I didn't deliberately take your money, but I guess I could have made a mistake managing our account. Let me find our last few statements. Could you check them over carefully and try to find the mistake?" After 40 minutes of staring at bank statements (sometimes upside down) he got bored, forgot why he was doing it, and was very ready to be distracted with ice cream on a brownie. One time didn't do it. Lather, rinse, repeat.
I know that infidelity delusions are not rare, and I am so glad I didn't deal with that one. My heart goes out to you AveMaria. You don't have the option of semi-confession ("I might have done it by mistake.") And there is no logic that is going to convince him. But he is miserable with this delusion and you are miserable with the accusations.
I THINK I might try something along these lines:
"Sweetheart! You must be miserable thinking that. I would never hurt you like that. I love you. I am very, very sorry I've done something that makes you think that could happen. I will change that behavior if you can explain to me what I do that seems to you like I'm having an affair." Let him know that you take him seriously, you don't think he is crazy, you are on his side, you are very willing to correct the situation (although his perception is not accurate)."
If he has anything specific, try to address it. He thinks it takes you so long to get the mail that you must be fooling around with the mailman. Logic, like the mailman is a 24 year old woman, or you never see the mailman because his delivery is hours before you go out to pick it up, probably won't work. Try, "Well, let's go get the mail together from now on. We'll get you into the wheelchair, bundled up as necessary, and go out to the end of the road together." Like my husband with the bank statements, he'd probably get bored with this routine by the third day or earlier.
I don't think there is any good treatment for delusions, but do discuss this with the doctor who is following his FTD. There may be something to relieve his anxiety, if that is a factor.
Hugs to you, and to your husband, too. This is very unpleasant for both of you!
Great points, Jean. I really appreciate it. Yes,I say this to myself. When or how could an affair happen? not enough hrs in the day. Who would want to complicate their life more than it already is?! Have a blessed day.
Please tell him with much love that he is the only one you want to be with. Don't even mention the word, "affair." It would only confuse him. Of course you're not unfaithful.
Encouraging her husband’s delusions that she IS having an affair, even with a “ fictional character” is almost as fruitless as trying to convince him she isn’t. It will encourage his anxiety and obsessiveness. He won’t understand the fictional part. People with broken brains don’t understand the difference between reality and fiction.
Ahmijoy I wasn't sure whether Michael was perhaps just trying to lighten the mood rather than being quite serious.
But assuming, as you have, that he's serious about the suggestion I agree with you but I'd go a little further. Sometimes the idea of 'going along' with a person's delusion goes very badly wrong. Currently, a care worker in a home is on trial for five counts of ill-treatment of a vulnerable elder including this one.
What had happened is that the elder, who had dementia, repetitively asked for her pet budgerigar - we know what this means, it means all day long she was asking for her caged bird, where's the bird, have you seen my budgie, I want my budgie, until you would want to run round the room screaming with your hands clapped over your ears.
I don't know whether it was sooner or later, the report didn't say; but eventually the care worker told the lady that she, the care worker, had cooked and eaten the bird. The report didn't say how the lady responded, either, but one can imagine.
It is incredibly hard to cope with some common behaviours in dementia, and I know everybody here understands that. But if you have to vent or scream or throw things or use gallows humour, for God's sake leave the room first.
Tell him you aren't because you don't have the time but if he keeps asking then you will take it under advisement - it happens to dementia people quite often but will eventually stop -
Trying to convince anyone with dementia anything is hard but asking questions like 'when do I have time for this?', 'who would I have an affair with?', 'where would I get the energy to arrange this' - if he is at home & you are most of time then when you ask about finding time for an affair would be next to nil & sometimes when you coax them through a process it stays with them -
You will not be able to convince him you aren’t, so if at all possible try and distract him with something. What ever he likes to eat the best, offer it. I know sometimes I can distract my dad with ice cream. My father used to accuse my husband or myself of stealing something, it finally passed after a few months.
AFTD is here to help Don’t face an FTD journey alone. AFTD offers information, resources and ways to connect to others who understand. If you have questions that it would be easier to discuss, please contact our HelpLine at 866-507-7222, or by email at info@theaftd.org. Find out more by subscribing to email updates. Both in-person and online support groups for people with FTD and their care partners, and a variety of resources and publications can also offer crucial help for every stage of the FTD journey.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
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APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
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If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I will leave it to others with more experience to suggest effective techniques; but I'm pretty sure you're going to want to focus on redirection to reassure him. You can't use reason to convince someone who is irrational because of his disease.
Do your best not to be horrified by the nature of the accusation. Think of it in the same terms as you would if he accused you of being an opium dealer. His beliefs are heart-breaking but most of all they are not real. Hugs to you.
You can’t convince him. You can only redirect him.
google Teepa Snow and watch some of her videos on YouTube. You’ll see that she teaches techniques such as Supergirl mentions and CountryMouse referred to in order to redirect your husband’s thoughts. Also remember that this behavior will pass as his disease progresses.
Being a caregiver to a person with a mental illness is crazy making. It’s such a labor of love for the person that was and hard to remember that his poor brain has been hijacked.
.
I hope today is a better day for both of you.
When my DH would become agitated that I was looking for another man - I said, he was all the man I could handle. A really good hug helped him to quit worrying.
Another time I asked him when he thought I could be looking as we're together 24/7. Again, contact with him helped a lot.
As mentioned, remember this really isn't about you - it's about what he is perceiving in his damaged state of mind. It won't be any better the day he forgets who you are and yes, it does come. I had to deal with his guilt the day he touched me and then realized he didn't know who I was, so he felt ashamed. And the day that he thought he was cheating on me - and it was with me.
If you can stay calm, this will help him to think a little better. Sometimes putting more light in the room will also help.
And sadly that the man upstairs had a knife and wanted to kill her, but no one lived above her. My own mother would accuse me of stealing money even though I was paying her bills.
The saddest is a friends mother, with dementia, thought her husband was trying to kill her! Very frightening for her and for him. Fortunately the Dr. and the police were aware of what was really going on.
I’ve shared on this site before that there are anti anxiety meds that can really help AT the correct dosage. I wish I had known sooner, but I’m so thankful that my mother’s last few months were so pleasant for her and for me and everyone around her. It can calm all the negative and fearful thoughts and make them more content. The thing we want for all our loved ones is to be safe and content until their final day.
God bless you with His perfect guidance and care.
Thanks!
Delusions are extremely common in most kinds of dementia, particularly during periods of paranoia. It is scary for the world not to make sense, and some of the explanations persons with dementia come up with are even scarier. "I can't find my coin purse! Oh no! I won't have dimes for bingo! Someone must have taken it. I'll bet it was that ugly man who scowls all the time." Or "I'm glad I have a new pair of sunglasses. I'm going to hide this pair so no one will steal it. ... Oh no! I'm sure I got a new pair of sunglasses. My daughter said she liked them. I'll bet she stole them." In many of these delusions, some one is the bad guy. That someone may be chosen at random!
I am SO GLAD that my husband's paranoid period only lasted a few months. I don't think I would have survived ten years of it. He was sure I was stealing his money. He told this to neighbors. He tried reporting this to the sheriff's office (but couldn't dial the number correctly.) When he confronted me directly I said, "Oh honey. I know I didn't deliberately take your money, but I guess I could have made a mistake managing our account. Let me find our last few statements. Could you check them over carefully and try to find the mistake?" After 40 minutes of staring at bank statements (sometimes upside down) he got bored, forgot why he was doing it, and was very ready to be distracted with ice cream on a brownie. One time didn't do it. Lather, rinse, repeat.
I know that infidelity delusions are not rare, and I am so glad I didn't deal with that one. My heart goes out to you AveMaria. You don't have the option of semi-confession ("I might have done it by mistake.") And there is no logic that is going to convince him. But he is miserable with this delusion and you are miserable with the accusations.
I THINK I might try something along these lines:
"Sweetheart! You must be miserable thinking that. I would never hurt you like that. I love you. I am very, very sorry I've done something that makes you think that could happen. I will change that behavior if you can explain to me what I do that seems to you like I'm having an affair." Let him know that you take him seriously, you don't think he is crazy, you are on his side, you are very willing to correct the situation (although his perception is not accurate)."
If he has anything specific, try to address it. He thinks it takes you so long to get the mail that you must be fooling around with the mailman. Logic, like the mailman is a 24 year old woman, or you never see the mailman because his delivery is hours before you go out to pick it up, probably won't work. Try, "Well, let's go get the mail together from now on. We'll get you into the wheelchair, bundled up as necessary, and go out to the end of the road together." Like my husband with the bank statements, he'd probably get bored with this routine by the third day or earlier.
I don't think there is any good treatment for delusions, but do discuss this with the doctor who is following his FTD. There may be something to relieve his anxiety, if that is a factor.
Hugs to you, and to your husband, too. This is very unpleasant for both of you!
Have a blessed day.
But assuming, as you have, that he's serious about the suggestion I agree with you but I'd go a little further. Sometimes the idea of 'going along' with a person's delusion goes very badly wrong. Currently, a care worker in a home is on trial for five counts of ill-treatment of a vulnerable elder including this one.
What had happened is that the elder, who had dementia, repetitively asked for her pet budgerigar - we know what this means, it means all day long she was asking for her caged bird, where's the bird, have you seen my budgie, I want my budgie, until you would want to run round the room screaming with your hands clapped over your ears.
I don't know whether it was sooner or later, the report didn't say; but eventually the care worker told the lady that she, the care worker, had cooked and eaten the bird. The report didn't say how the lady responded, either, but one can imagine.
It is incredibly hard to cope with some common behaviours in dementia, and I know everybody here understands that. But if you have to vent or scream or throw things or use gallows humour, for God's sake leave the room first.
Trying to convince anyone with dementia anything is hard but asking questions like 'when do I have time for this?', 'who would I have an affair with?', 'where would I get the energy to arrange this' - if he is at home & you are most of time then when you ask about finding time for an affair would be next to nil & sometimes when you coax them through a process it stays with them -
Maybe this can help:
AFTD is here to help
Don’t face an FTD journey alone. AFTD offers information, resources and ways to connect to others who understand.
If you have questions that it would be easier to discuss, please contact our HelpLine at 866-507-7222, or by email at info@theaftd.org. Find out more by subscribing to email updates. Both in-person and online support groups for people with FTD and their care partners, and a variety of resources and publications can also offer crucial help for every stage of the FTD journey.