NYDaughterInLaw Asked October 2017
My husband feels a tremendous emotional burden having to care for his father now that his mother is dead. What do I say to help him?
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My husband feels apathy toward pretty much everything right now. He is withdrawn and hasn't thrown himself into his work in months. He is still clinging to a project that he lost several months ago, saying that that project would have given him new purpose. He numbs himself regularly with alcohol and has started smoking cigarettes at night before bedtime even though I have shown him the studies that demonstrate that alcohol actually makes it harder to get a good night's sleep. Don't even get me started on the cigarettes! I don't know how much longer my FIL will live and how much longer my husband will have to manage his father's affairs. I don't know what to do or what to say to help my husband.
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Your husband is self-medicating his depression and lack of purpose with alcohol which does not really help.
I can understand the overwhelming feeling, to the point that it becomes paralyzing. Been there, struggled through that, slept a lot, and finally broke through, with a lot of help from my father. And still go through it sometimes - it's just TOO MUCH!
So, where to start? With little projects, with outlines, lists of what needs to be done, prioritizing, something to put the issues in context and in a frame that can be identified and managed.
I think this kind of situation is different for every one, but when Dad helped me after my sister died, just having to consider making decisions with him broke through my stagnancy.
What if you listed the projects and situations he needs to handle for his FIL, started helping him a bit, enough to get started, then asked his assistance, opinion or help in something that's easy and doesn't require a lot of thought? Not what, or how, but just 2 choices, one of which is more appealing than the other.
That way he can at least make a decision, rather than being faced with analyzing a whole problem. Or if he seems to have trouble making a decision, make it and ask if for him and ask if he concurs.
I sometimes think of animals I've seen stuck in a hole, or fallen through the ice, and struggling and struggling to get out. When rescuers come along and help, sometimes the animal gets a new burst of energy BECAUSE of the help and not struggling alone any more.
Sometimes we humans can be like that. Being alone and frightened, even if we don't admit it, can be paralyzing.
This isn't much of a suggestion, but I know that it will be on my mind and hopefully I'll think of something more helpful.
Cigs and booze are tough battles. I've struggled with both through the years. I was left as the last sib standing to deal with my aging, failing parents who are three states away. It really sucks and stresses me out to no end. After one trip about 2 years ago I came back with A/Fib and had to do all the cardio stuff. Still on low dose meds.
No amount of preaching or nagging is going to help with the addiction stuff. It's up to him to either control it or give it up.
I'm shooting from the hip here but I think tough love may be in order. I don't mean giving him an ultimatum ( but if things are really bad, maybe an option) but let him know this is strongly affecting your and your marriage. Let him know you're there for him but maybe pull back a little also.
I'm not sure it's the case with you and hubs but lots of spouses seem to unconsciously inflict pain on the other in times of stress. "When momma/poppa ain't happy, no body gonna be happy" syndrome. We want our spouse to know how tough our life is and share the pain. It can be hard to turn off this bad/vibe ray gun but you've got to at least shield yourself.
My depression is very much a biological thing; started when I hit puberty, continued until I finally got some treatment after the birth of my second child, when I became suicidal.
If there was one person who couldn't help me at that time, it was my husband. There were any number of loving, well-intentioned people around me at that time; NO ONE could help me out of that fog.
I think most of the time, depression is what we term "over-determined" meaning that there is not a unitary cause. Hormones, brain chemistry, brain structures, early experiences and temperament all contribute.
My husband was given antidepressants post open heart surgery; they are part of the protocol at the hospital where they replaced part of his heart. His depression worsened after a time and he's now on two different meds. This regimen keeps him on a even keel.
His mom, who had similar surgery, refused these meds after her heart repair. She ended up starving herself to death. Not an outcome I would desire. My brothers in law, who dearly loved their mother told me "antidepressants only work if you WANT to be happy". It's not true.
Depression is a medical problem and it deserves a medical solution, the same way diabetes does.
Depression is a conundrum to everyone; there is much about brain science that is still mysterious even to the folks who are expert in the field.
I'm no expert about depression.
I've experienced myself. I've observed it in loved ones and in colleagues and folks that I work with professionally.
What I can tell you is that what works is a combination of meds and talk therapy (even Consumer Reports will tell you that).
I encourage you to encourage your husband to seek medical treatment, starting with talking to his PCP about what is going on in his life.
A supportive spouse is a wonderful thing to have when you are experiencing depression. I've been both in a situation where my (first) spouse was telling me that "what I needed to do" in order to overcome my depression. And I've been in a situation in which my (second) spouse said "tell me what you need; we'll figure this out".
I can tell you that the second approach was infinitely better.
NYDIL, I wish you and your DH all good things!!!
Almost by definition, one's spouse can't provide them. It really takes someone with no stake in the game to observe (evenly hovering objective attention) and guide.
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