He will get up have his breakfast, which he routinely does, then he will sit in front of the TV the rest of the day. We do all his shopping, laundry, cleaning, filling his meds, helping him into the shower. He lives in a senior apartment complex. Lately he wants junk food. If I buy a bag of chips that's what he will have for supper, he won't stop till they're gone. I tried buying small bags, he will eat 3 or 4 bags. I stopped buying junk and I get him easy microwave meals, but he's too lazy to get up and make them. I have meals on wheels delivered 3 days a week, he will look at it and throw it in the garbage, says I didn't like the way it looked. How do I get him to get up and away from the TV, to take a walk or make himself a meal? His wife waited on him hand and foot, my husband and I want our life back, I go over at least 4 days a week. I will make meals over there to be sure he gets a good meal. He doesn't have money for assisted living, neither do we. How do we get him to make a meal? Clean up his messes? Take a walk? His general hygiene? How do I get through to him that he needs to do these things?
To take your life back your FIL's PoA needs to step in and start making decisions for him. Read the PoA doc to see what activates the authority. Then start researching facilities. He goes whether he wants to or not if you 2 want your lives back. Does your husband have siblings? They need to be looped into this conversation.
If FIL has no PoA then that's a different pathway. Please let us know.
See about getting a needs assessment done for him. Also double check that his POA documents, Will and funeral planning is all in place.
But also know that you do not have to provide any level of care.
So where do you find middle ground? Stop buying the chips. If they are not in the house he will not eat them. But the next question is will he get hungry enough to get up and heat something up?
You do need a plan for when he is no longer safe living alone. Find out about possible funding for memory care or a nursing home.
Geaton has some good advice for you to get the ball rolling to keep your FIL safe, which is the main goal now. Once AD sets in, things only get worse with the passage of time and he's going to require more and more help as the days go by. While you are not responsible for providing any hands-on care for him, his son and/or POA is responsible for helping him get placed in a managed care facility that will give him the hands on care he requires to function on a daily basis.
Good luck.