I don't know how to not care without caring. I either care or I don't, I don't know where that line is. I say I don't care, but I do care, even when I say I don't. If I don't care, I really don't. Not caring is in the same group as hating in my mind. Does any of this make sense to anyone else? Why don't I want to care you may ask, well because some things I can't care or I lose my mind trying to control. I won't lie, I've never been good at making priorities. Is that what i need to do? where is the line?
You have to set boundaries so that you can maintain "self"
This is how doctors, nurses and others are able to function. If they took personally everything that happened to each person they cared for or treated they would all be of no use mentally and physically in a very short time.
You need to carve out time for yourself.
Is there an Adult Day Program you can get mom involved in? That would give you a break a few days a week, it would give mom a break as well.
Check with your local Senior Service Center and see if there are programs that would help you.
If her husband was a Veteran (or if she is a veteran) the VA might have programs that would help.
Sometimes in life we're faced with a bunch of bad choices. So we pick the least bad choice and accept it. Dementia is a horrible existence for all involved, for mom, for you, for all who reside in the home to bear witness to what goes on. Nobody wins.
You can't care for her but not give a darn. This is your mother you're talking about, so it's not possible to turn yourself into a robot with no feelings who doesn't care and isn't capable of it. To be human is to have emotions.
Find respite for mom and yourself, using her money. Find a Memory Care Assisted Living facility that will take her for a week or 2 and consider it a dry run. See firsthand how it feels to sleep thru the night w/o worrying mom is lighting the stove or getting outside somehow. Feel what peace feels like again, and go from there. Nowhere is it written or expected that you are to devote your entire life to 24/7 hands on caregiving any longer than you've already done. The single toughest thing I've ever done is trying to deal with my mother who suffered from advanced dementia. And she did live in Memory Care Assisted Living! Even the visits I dreaded, the ordering of supplies, the mental brain damage of having her on my mind constantly, it wore me out. I can't imagine being in your shoes and trying to find a light at the end of the very dark tunnel.
Best of luck to you. You deserve it.
It is self preservation. Or putting yourself first. That is OK.
Just read your profile. You are dealing with a lot of responsibility on your own.
I’m glad that you have support from your husband. You mentioned that the caregiver that you hired didn’t work out.
I encourage you to please look for a new caregiver to help out. It’s imperative to have regular breaks from caregiving.
Don’t rule out the option of placing your mom in a facility. You can oversee her care and not be burdened by full time caregiving.
Wishing you peace.
Data from Oxford Languages
Care (ker)
[ker]
noun
The provision of what is necessary for the health, welfare, maintenance, and protection of someone or something:
"the care of the elderly" · "the child is safe in the care of her grandparents"
Similar:
safe keeping
supervision
custody
charge
1. Serious attention or consideration applied to doing something correctly or to avoid damage or risk.
As you can see, the definition of care is somewhat nebulous. And can be endless, as the Oxford itself DOES go on; that's only the beginning of what they have to say regarding "care".
Its definition is entirely dependent on what ASPECT of care you are discussing.
So I will ask you, K.
What aspect of care do you wish to ask a question about? Or wish to discuss?
We are here for you.
You don't sweat the small stuff...and you learn that most of the things that we think of as being a "big deal" is really small stuff.
You draw most lines at SAFETY. Either her/his safety or yours.
You learn "therapeutic fibs" can work wonders in some cases.
You come to the conclusion that no one lives forever and that Quality of life is more important than Quantity of life.
Choosing to not have a medical test or procedure done because it really will not extend life in a quality manner is not the same as withholding medical care or denying medical care.
And none of this means you DON'T care, it means you care enough to value the time there is.
I found my gift was not caregiving. I do OK if something is temporay, a light at the end of the tunnel. I no longer volunteer, people expect too much from you. I will not care for someone unless its my DH and that has physical limits. He is lots bigger than me.