My father died suddenly a year ago leaving a wife with severe dementia. I was the caregiver for my dad years ago and helped him get better after two years of living there.
When my dad died, I told both sisters we had to take turns. One sister can’t because of family issues. The other one has every illness in the book and drops out frequently. I have moved in and have help to work. My husband hates both sisters but supports/helps me. No discussion has helped. Just more lies of why they can’t do it.
I Know I am making this choice. I am trying to keep my promise. Yet the hatred I feel for the two or them makes me sick at times. How do I just accept this as a choice ? How do I let go of the rage of losing so many years?
I am sorry that you feel hatred. I would be in your Sisters' corners, so you would be hating me as well. I would not be doing in home care. I might, were I not too busy with my own family and/or work, help in some way, some appointments, help with shopping, the occ. casserole, visits, a few days respite here and there. But I would not do more.
You will have to come to some acceptance. You are doing this by your own choice and have made the decision to do it for your own reasons. You are in charge of your own decisions for your own life. You are not in charge of the decisions of others nor can you make decisions for others in life.
Rage is a choice. You may be deflecting from your own feelings of being entirely exhausted and overwhelmed by choosing anger rather than acceptance of your own choice. Anger is very energizing, while exhausting is debilitating.
I would suggest that you seek help of a professional counselor. Sometimes that is the only way. Your relationship with your Sisters may not survive this as you have chosen ways that are do diametrically different that you may not have a meeting of the minds. While that is sad, it does happen when people are very different in terms of life choices.
I am so sorry times are so tough and I am so thankful for your faithful and sacrificing hubby. I wish you the best and I wish you peace.
Take all of the energy you're using to be angry at your sisters and put that energy into making good choices for you and your mom. Your sisters are obviously making decisions that are best for them...you need to make decisions that are best for you.
My brother never did help and I had to accept him for who he is. You're going to have to do the same with your sisters. Accept it and move on. Ask your dear husband to help you find the right place for mom. I am sure he won't mind helping you move in the right direction.
Take care Amy.
Sometimes there are legitimate reasons for siblings not helping. Sometimes not.
A sibling doesn’t have to take on the responsibility of caregiving, but nor do you.
It’s horribly frustrating and certainly unfair to the caregiver especially if they aren’t getting any compensation for it.
Life isn’t fair. So, if you are not happy I recommend bailing on the caregiving responsibilities.
Make arrangements for your parents to be cared for in a facility and move forward in life.
If you are alone doing the care you need to get paid for the work. Plain and simple. My parents gift me well and my siblings are aware of it. It’s a lot of work and it keeps resentment at bay. I hope for you there is a way for you to be compensated. Otherwise your siblings should take their turn as well.
By the 5th year, even though my mom has a lovely home and well-maintained property, I gave them about 2 months notice that I'd be leaving (and moving I knew not where, but that didn't matter at that point; I just needed to walk away from the toxicity). Which FORCED them to 'figure something out' on their own. No ugly words were exchanged; it was all very superficially civilized.
Two years hence, I've worked through the obsessive resentment and hatred for each of them--with a lot of help from and work with a good therapist, and support from this forum . It hasn't been easy! I've earned the life-degree of an MFA in forgiveness and 'letting them go'. Again, it did NOT come quickly or easily for me, and I truly didn't believe it was possible, but I can tell you, it was possible for me, and I'm actually a better person for it (and I'm almost 66).
I'm so glad you have your supportive husband, and a world of understanding 'family', right here on this forum. My ever-increasing hatred against my 2 sisters was worse for me than caring for my mom. Please, I know you can't see it now, but keep going, hang in there for your husband, and especially, YOURSELF. Hugs.
Fyi my sibling has helped in virtually no way whatsoever, but has appeared after years absence and asked for an ‘advance on her inheritance. “ So I do explode, but I have the martial arts bag for that!
This life we have as caregivers is not fair. I don't know how we can fix it .
I'm sorry that you are doing all the work and not getting any support from your sisters. It is frustrating and leads to anger and resentment. Those feelings are real.
As the oldest, I always felt more dutiful and responsible. And like you, I was so angry and resentful at my sisters for not caring about me and asking about me or even offering to help. One sister lived across the country and another was always mean to me and another had her own family.
I tried to carry on the best I could but my own anger affected my judgment and in the end it affected my dad's care. I feel guilty it lead to his death. If only I had dealt with my feelings. Talked to a social worker. Talked to a therapist. Found a support group. It is important to come to terms with these feelings and there is no easy path.
Thinking of you. (((hugs)))
I am in the exact situation. But I have seen the alternative. Let me explain. My Mom lived with me for 12 years. She started to decline with early dementia. She fought me on everything. She would call my sister and tell her horrible things about me. So I thought ok, maybe better for my sister to take her. My marriage was also breaking up from the stress. My sister reluctantly agreed. My Mom subsequently was relocated across the country and my sister put her in a retirement community with no supportive care. I was so upset with the situation and dealing with my own health and personal garbage, I barely spoke to my Mom. After 3 years I finally visited her because I could tell that her decline was immense. I decided to move across the country to help because the community she was in was not supportive for dementia. I knew something bad could happen. My sister put a blind eye to the situation saying she didn't have time to do more. She also refused to see Moms decline saying Mom "was faking it for attention." Really? How does an 88 yo woman fake dementia? Then covid hit. Then my Mom broke a leg. I still moved. You know what? My move saved my Mom from a horrible rehab facility. Saved her from dying from coronavirus. My sisters decisions were horrible and almost a catastrophe. Amy, I go in the garage and scream into pillows. I pour myself a glass of wine in the kitchen and put on a movie for my Mom just for a moment of peace. I completely lose it with anger just not against my Mom. But, I know what the decisions are when my sister is involved. My Mom suffers her neglect. What keeps me going too is being grateful. This is my Mom. But I'm grateful I have the opportunity to save a human life from neglect. If your sisters who don't care took care of your Mom it would probably end up in neglect and you would step in anyway. My brother is 0 help too. I also have lost years. But I still have the opportunity to have some good friends and small personal victories along the way. I like to believe in karma. Something better is waiting for me after my Mom dies. IT will find me or I will find IT. Hang in there. You are not alone. It might be small consolation for what you are going through and I'm sorry for that.
I can empathize with your words. I am sorry you aren't getting help from your siblings. I have two older siblings, both brothers. One sees my father from time to time and offers to cook or bring groceries or cut the lawn once in a while. I live with my father and the other brother. He told me he is doing only what he intends to help, which is not much. When I first moved in with my father a year ago, I had such anger inside because of my brother's refusal to help that it overcame me for months. I offered to take care of the gardening and thought it would be a little haven and calm space for me, but it wasn't a pleasant experience because of the anger in my head. I spoke to my brother about things but his way of dealing with anything is to start a fight and walk out of the house.
I remember the day that I apologized to the plants in the garden for my negative energy and had to laugh. It was a release and I felt better when I headed out to weed or cut the grass. One day I took some time and asked myself where do I want to spend my energy? I had certain things that needed to get done on a daily basis, and spending my valuable energy on a person that doesn't help didn't serve me. This is my life and I am going to protect my experiences. I too made the choice to help dad at his end of life so I looked at what was available in the care system in our community and built a team that WANTED to help. I felt better and my energy for my father improved as well. My brother is still the same, or worse, actually, but he isn't my focus. My health, I have learned, is the most important, and while I felt guilty about that at first, I saw things improve and I got my smile back.
Please love yourself lots and give yourself lots of credit for what you are doing.
All the best to you, Tempest.
My brothers and sister were less honest, avoiding visiting, occasional phone calls, telling me to "let them know what needed doing." I chose to maintain my relationship with them rather than resenting their abdication. After all, I expect we will all outlive our parents and I want to stay friends with them.
You can’t change them, you can only change your reaction to them. What is more important, a future relationship or maintaining a grudge? My dad and one sister had an adversarial relationship for 80 years! 80 years! Why waste time and energy when we have a short time to enjoy our lives? Don’t drive them away.
I suggest you have a frank talk with each sister and ask what they would be willing to do to help you. Maybe taking over bill paying, searching for medical/medicine options, searching for in-home help or care facilities. Instead of expecting everyone to do the same thing capitalize on each person's strength. Maybe it would be helpful to prepare a list of tasks and ask them what they would be able to take over. And be grateful for any assistance.
BTW I asked my sister to research Medical Alert options. She emailed me a link to a google search page. At first I was mad, then I laughed. Later I found out she was suffering from Lyme disease and had no energy.
They were getting money and doing nothing while I did all the work. This went on for six years.
Recently I put my foot down and in no uncertain words to her that no pay, no work. You give them money now it is their turn to do the work.
Now they take turns coming down and there is a list of jobs to be done. They are furious. Besides that, moms, grandma's bank has closed which infuriates them even more. Mom has her mental wits about her so I am in a better position than you unfortunately.
There comes a time to put your foot down and stop the abuse.
Either you get help or ma goes into an old folks home.
It sucks for your mom but what good can you do if you have a nervous breakdown or your marriage falls apart because of this.
No matter what anyone tells you you have a right to how you feel.
(I'll say it again)---------> YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO HOW YOU FEEL.
Eff anyone who tells you differently.
Take care of your mother. Fulfill the obligation you feel.
Resolve that your siblings are feckless, and be done with them.
The reason many of us suggest ways to let that anger, frustration, hate, whatever it is, go, is because it will consume you. It will impact your health and well-being. WHAT good does hate do for you? Does it make you feel better? Not usually. What does it do for the source of your feelings, in this instance siblings? Nothing. They do NOT feel your anger. They do NOT feel your hate. They may "hear" your frustrations, anger and hatred, but it isn't going to change anything they do.
THAT is the reason we suggest finding a way to let it go. It does nothing to resolve the situation, it doesn't negatively impact them, but it DOES impact you. I was able to vent my anger and frustration into emails that I never sent to my brothers. After I finished drafting them, I moved on, much calmer and happier. Sending what I wrote would not have made any difference - most likely it would have stirred up more flak for them to throw at me. I've put it behind me. I've already written off one brother. The other isn't far behind. Now if I feel anything at all for them, I feel sorry for what they lost by not visiting and being with our mother when they could. But, the sorrow is much more for our mother - she would have been HAPPY, elated, to have them visit, but they couldn't be bothered. She used to ask about them, but over time she stopped. Probably forgot them (out of sight, out of mind.) She DID still know me and ask about me (we were locked out since March - tried 2 "distancing" visits, but no hearing, dementia, masks and 6' apart, it was hard to tell if she knew who we were, we being me and my daughter, not the clowns.)
Someone asked if you have POA, good question if you are the only caregiver available. Maybe you can have her placed in an Agecare place for dementia. You will still be busy if you are her "agent", but a whole lot less busy than looking after her in your home, or her home. My siblings, sisters, are not as involved with mom as I am... You can be sure they will be very involved when it comes time to collect the inheritance. I will have the good memories with mom, not the guilt.
Any good thing I do for mom is looked upon as a negative by them, I either didnt do something right, or am too "controlling"... whatever....
Every child has a different relationship with their parent. You don't know how your sisters feel about their mother. For example, my little brother was the Golden Child, he was loved, favored, and his deeds were something to be proud of. My mother never cared for me, she told me so. She was emotionally abusive. I grew up believing I was ugly and unwanted because she came right out and told me so. So, we both saw her differently. If they don't want to care for her, there may be a reason.
Do you have POA etc? If so, start looking for a place to place her where she can have 3 shifts of people to help her around the clock. COVID not withstanding, get on a list now, COVID restrictions can't last forever and just the thought of an end to your stress can help you endure now. If they have a waiting list at least you will be on it. In the meantime, use any funds she has to get some relief for yourself. My County Office of Aging sometimes has grants for respite care. So, if you need to get out for a few hours, the relief person comes to you free of charge.
The only person you can control is you. Caring for your mother is too much for you. It seems to me you need to forget your sisters and look for outside the family for help.
I have 2 older (half) brothers with their own families/work/lives and have learned that I must spell everything out for them whenever I need help with mom. They were not very close with my mom but when I expressed how overwhelmed I am as the sole/primary caregiver for my mom, they were definitely more eager to help.
Wishing that your siblings also come around. This is a very difficult time and at least you are not alone - try to look at the bright side whenever you can. Good luck!
Sending hugs and wishing you luck.
However, that wasn't the issue that damaged our relationships. I learned later from attorneys that it is common for families to break up because of squabbles over property and assets. Despite telling my six siblings that I was not interested in my mom's property, two sisters retained an attorney and acquired control of my mother and her house. After I left my mother because of legal judgment, my sisters placed my mother in a assisted living facility 300 miles away. I visited my mother every weekend, but she only lasted 6 weeks due to loneliness and inability to see family and friends.
Thus, I have difficulty letting go of anger because of how my sisters mistreated my mother. I pray for ability to forgive them but I am unable to forget what they have done. What makes it worse is that my sisters believe they didn't do anything wrong. Also, the sisters tell others that I was only taking care of my mother because I wanted the house. So I don't know if this is good advice or not, but I can only say that decisions have consequences. I know one thing, I know in my heart that I only wanted to care for my mother because she cared for all of her children and helping her in her last days was the least that I could do. The situation regarding the siblings remains a challenge because my sisters are angry for another reason. My sisters are angry at me because I informed the larger family of what they did in court and to my mother by sending her so far away.
Very sad, but my conscience is clear and my heart is true to God. I am far from perfect, but I know I did my best and what is right concerning the care of my mother.
Exactly. We can only do what we feel is right. We can't control the others. I would have no problem airing that dirty laundry, after what they did. If nothing else, family knows YOU were not a part of that.
I am pretty much done with both brothers. Not being there to lend much of a hand or be supportive was bad enough. Not visiting mom while she was in MC is inexcusable.
It was very telling that she asked about me during the lockdown, but prior to that she had stopped asking about them.