hello, i am currently an in-home care giver to my grandma in law. my husband and my daughter stay with us. she has been showing some decline in mental stability and possibly has lewy body deminsa (sp?). she is now not paying rent, when i asked her why and if she needed my finacial help she told me that since im pregnant she doesnt want me there and that not paying rent would be the quickest way to get me out. she has been "making deals" with my daughter, telling her to say and do mean things to me. my daughter also told me that she hits her, and she keeps telling her that my daughter can live with just grandma and hubby. while ik lewy body dementia causes these changes in people, i want to know if for the sake of my child if i should just leave with my daughter. she throws things at me now, she told me that she wants to be the only women in my husbands life, and that she'll do anything to have him to herself. she has told him that men are in the house when they're not. she also takes my things, even tho i write my name on them and hides them in her room. she has also told me that I'm not allowed to work nor go on a date with my husband bc he is her grandson and she belives that a good wife stays home. we (my husband, daughter) cant leave the house, when we do she has called the police on us, police just show up and tell us to not have her contact them bc they have other things to do. ive contacted her doctor and he tells me she's fine. im at my witts end, and my husband always protects her. im trying to get him to have POA so he can pay rent and such. but every time she goes to the doctor she makes sure that she can walk, knows what day it is, and everything. the last few times I've told her that im not telling her what day it is nor am i telling her who the president is. when i don't she calls her daughter and she tells her. i feel like there's a lot of enabling going on. when i finally put boundaries up she called CYS and AAA on me, about 22 times in the last year. my daughter is still with us tho. AAA only talks to her and when they talk to me they tell me the stuff she says about me, its horrible. i want her to get all the care she needs and to be happy but it seems like she wants just my husband and our daughter. i dont know what to do anymore, and its becoming emotionally abusive, she tells me all my cooking is bad, my cleaning is horrible, and that im taking money from her. she has never given my money and i actually pay the water and garbage out of my own pocket. would a nursing home be okay? should i talk to her doctor again? she does not allow me to have a cell phone, she says im a w**** when i have one. and if she even sees my on the house phone she disconnects the lines.. please help...
SHE doesn't let you have a cell phone? You take that??
Whose house is it that you all are living in? Who pays rent to whom, or are you all living in a rented house?
Your first priority is to your husband and daughter. If your daughter came first, then reverse that, but regardless of that order, at the bottom of either list is Granny. The same should be true for your husband, and clearly he doesn't see it.
She sounds pretty messed up cognitively, so that means getting POA now is out of the question. She has to grant it, and she's not competent to do so.
Her doctor is failing her miserably. Have her tested for cognitive abilities by someone who knows what they're doing, because knowing the day of the week and the president's name isn't enough to judge cognition. If she's judged to be impaired, your husband will have to go for guardianship and then place her in memory care where she can get proper care.
Don't tolerate bad treatment of your child -- ever. You can make your own decision about whether to tolerate a sick person's treatment of you, but the child should never be subjected to that. Pack up and leave until your husband gets his priorities straight.
How in the world would she be in charge of you, whether you have a cell phone, or a job?
You are an adult, time to put on your big girls pants and stand up for yourself. What is wrong with your husband? Maybe he needs big girls panties as well. How can he allow this to go on?
Something is really screwed up here. Get the hale out of that environment, like now.
I would suggest marriage counseling.
If your husband will not do that you need to divide up the assets without his knowing you are doing so (for instance divide the savings accounts and etc. Then see an attorney to file for legal separation and move out. Dependent on the age of your daughter any court will allow a teen to live where he or she pleases, with the parent he or she chooses.
AFTER you are certain you have one half the assets in your name sit your husband down, give him your date of moving out, and tell him that it is your MIL or you at this point. That you will attempt to give him some minimal help but won't live with this.
Yes, a nursing home would be fine, in my opinion, but I'm not the one who's making decisions on grandma's behalf here: your husband is, and it doesn't seem like he's making good ones! He needs to put his wife and children first, especially with a new baby on the way, and not subject you all to grandma's histrionics and dementia or mental illness.
Please speak to your husband about what YOU want for your children, and how you'd like grandma to go to a nursing home now. It's not fair or right that you are subjecting your daughter to this type of abusive life. You'd better be careful or someone may call CPS on YOU, which would not be a happy thing. You and your DH owe it to your children to provide them a safe and happy home in which to live in, where a demented old woman is not running wild all day long. You owe that to YOURSELF as well. If DH would like to live alone with her, you and your daughter can move out and he can pay your bills in a new home, but what happens with the new baby comes along? It's time for your DH to have a reality check now, I think. Maybe marriage counseling would help, like Alva suggested.
Good luck with all you have going on.
Pack your things and go. (and your husband should be right by your side)
Who is POA now? If no one then anyone becoming POA is not possible. With dementia she does not have the capacity to make anyone POA, she can not sign legal documents. Someone would have to become her Guardian. (run, do not walk from this, and your husband should do the same. Let another family member become Guardian, or if no one wants that role let her become a Ward of the State)
1) Does your husband really know what it is going on? If he is out at work, and his grandmother thinks he is just wonderful, perhaps he never sees her behavior to you. In this situation, men usually say it doesn’t matter, just ignore it, she’s always been a bit difficult. They have no real idea what is going on. You need to tell him – not once, but every day in detail.
2) Is this your husband’s daughter, or did you bring her into the marriage with you? How old is she? It sounds as though grandma thinks of her as ‘your husband’s’, but there might be quite a long gap between her and the new baby. You need to tell her not to prime grandma for doctor’s visits, and to back you up with your husband about what is happening at home.
3) Have you talked with your husband about moving out options? Or moving grandma out options? What does he say?
4) You could ring CYS yourself, or deal with them differently if grandma does it again. Don’t be defensive about yourself, tell them about her. She is abusing your daughter, your husband won’t do anything about it, you are pregnant and can’t move out. CYS will talk to your husband. It may be the first time he has taken this seriously.
Those are things to start with, that you may feel able to do. Good luck, and best wishes, Margaret