I am 53 years old and live 650 miles from my mom and step father. In July 2024 my step father was desperate to have me come and take care of them. So, long story short, I have been with them since July. My mom has some kind of dementia/Alzheimer's going on but absolutely refuses to see a doctor saying that we are making up stories etc about what is going on with her. I have tried many times to plead with her but she will not budge from her position. My husband is super supportive but of course being 650 miles apart for an undetermined amount of time is depressing to us. I have 1 brother and 4 step siblings. 1 of my step brothers does help out with dr appts etc and I am super thankful for that help. Oh did I mention I also work a fulltime job, I work from home as an accountant. Anyway, I do not get compensated for my time taking care of my parents which I was ok with at first but...... I have been thru alot with them in the 4 months I've been with them. My mom is very paranoid and thinks everyone is out to get her and her money. Anything I want to do in the house to make things easier/safer for them is always a fight because everything has to stay as it's always been even if it's a tripping hazard. None of the other 4 siblings do anything at all to help. They barely even call to see how their parents are doing. Honestly, my own brother said I should look into getting paid from medicare to be a caregiver (which my parents would not qualify for) but he said if medicare would not pay, then I should not get paid from my parents money. I was so hurt and angry over this statement because while he recognizes I'm doing a job, all he cares about is the money that is left to be split in the end. I feel like what I am doing is outside the norm as I have moved from my home to live in my childhood home to take care of my parents. I feel like the norm would have been to have them move in with me but they refuse to move. I feel obligated to take care of them but how long can I keep this up? I have had to leave on business for 3 days and then had to go home for 2 weeks as my husband needed emergency retina surgery. Only my 1 step brother helped them out while I was gone. No one else stopped by or brought them food or asked to do their shopping for them. I had to do door dash and have their groceries delivered when my 1 step brother was not available. I feel like I have no support network yet my parents act so entitled to having me take care of them without even acknowledging all that I am giving up. My entire life is 650 miles away. I have asked the others for help but my step father says to me "oh we can't ask them they have lives and are too busy." I am the youngest of all the siblings. I have a daughter in college playing college sports, I coached her for many years in her youth so I am a very involved sports Mama. Many of the siblings are already retired and have adult children. I have a farm at home that my husband is left to take care of while I am away. I have a very busy life yet the other siblings seem to get a pass. I feel trapped and I don't know how to handle getting help from the others.
I know this was long winded and probably all over the place, I am sorry. Just needed to vent and ask advice from folks that may understand what I am going through.
Thank you for listening!!! xoxoxo
I think it’s perfectly reasonable for the person providing care to determine and insist upon what works for them. Living indefinitely 650 miles away from your home and husband/family is obviously NOT working. Dementia mom and overwhelmed stepdad have no right to demand you make them the center of your life.
Time to set boundaries. What do you want?
Usually the most empathetic one and the person that is only concerned with there loved ones well being, and not the "inheritance '
Forget others helping you, it's not going to happen, all you do is hurt yourself, wishing for help that your never going to get.
Let that all go, now figure out what you want for your life? It sounds like this is definitely not the life you want. Who would?
So now you gotta figure out a plan to get your life back!
Maybe a nice assisted living for them?
When people say to me, " someday you will regret not doing enough for your mom". I say NO I won't, what I do and will always regret those 3 years that I was s&&t on , catering to everyones needs.
As for the siblings, each are adults free to choose what they will and will not do. They’ve shown you their decisions in this, they do not choose to provide care. Being angry and resentful at them accomplishes nothing, except making you bitter. spent some time doing just this, until I accepted my siblings and their choices. Help for your parents does not have to come solely from you. It’s each of our responsibility to plan for our old age, and many of us are convinced our adult children shouldn’t comprise that whole plan. You may find your husband’s and employer’s patience runs out, not to mention the toll on your own wellbeing. There needs to be a new plan here, one that works for everyone
Your top priorities MUST be your husband, marriage and your children, and right now they are all on the bottom of the list. And that is very sad.
If your stepdad can no longer care for your mom, then it's up to him to figure out what comes next, and it shouldn't under any circumstances involve any of their children.
So it's time to have the assisted living "talk" with them and explain to them that you will be going back home to stay to care for your own family who needs you, and since no one else wants to step up(nor should they)that they will have no choice but to move there.
Your mom will only continue to get worse, so make sure that the assisted living facility that they choose has a memory care unit attached as she will eventually end up there.
I wish you well in helping your mom and her husband find the right assisted living facility for them, and you getting your life back with your husband where you belong.
I copied that quote from this forum because it is so true. If anyone knows who said it, please let me know, so I can give credit where credit is due.
Anyway, you have already gone above and beyond. You stepped in to avert a crisis, and now your time is up. You are needed at home with your family, which should be your top priority.
If stepfather is of sound mind, he can certainly hire some help. He's had plenty of time to figure this out by now. If he is not able to manage this, then it is time for both of them to move to assisted living.
Don't resent your other siblings who do not help. That is their cross to bear. Holding onto resentment only hurts you.
Also, Medicare does not provide care giving reimbursement or aide. It is through your parents state medicaid program or local aging service department if that is something the state provides. Contact the local Aging office in their area.
You need to set bounderies. Perhaps speaking with a therapist will help with the feelings and putting them together constructively to your step dad and mother. You have put in your dues and now it is time to concentrate on your physical and mental wellbeing as well your relationship with you husband.
Who is POA? This needs to be established if not done yet. A trip to an eldercare attorney is essential. If you can help set up their long term care, this will help you break the tie and restore you life. You DESERVE to have a life.
If there is a POA currently established then contact them and tell them they have 30 days to establish another caregiver because you are mentally and physically burnt out. If they can not understand, screw them.
It is odd to me that you feel obligated to uncooperative parents but do not feel the obligation to your own husband and your own life. I would rethink that.
It is sad that you initially moved in. You did this knowing that your mother is failing and in need of a diagnosis and refusing to have it. And that your Dad can't do the care.
Someone of Forum--Beatty of Glad, I can't remember--said "There will be no solutions as long as you are all the solutions."
Time to meet with all the family now, just you and them. That is you and your siblings and their spouses. Time to tell them the date you will be moving. First of the year sounds good. Time to tell them that in that time, decisions about placement must be made, the family must gather together and lay this before Dad (the one with no current dementia).
The next step is that you and all siblings sit down with Dad (mom should be kept isolated from this talk) and tell him when you will be leaving.
If Dad refuses help and to consider moving to care it is time to tell him that he is no longer safe caregiving and mom is no longer safe--period. And that, if they will not willingly go now into care, then you will be forced to report their unsafe conditions to A
APS and allow the state to take over AT LEAST in terms of Mom so that she is diagnosed, and placed in care.
This is not sustainable. I think you know that. And doing what is right now is going to be hard. There will be rage, confusion, fear, sadness. That's inevitable.
This is not doable EVEN WITH ALL SIBLINGS TRYING TO HELP.
You need to get back to your life, your farm (before your husband literally kills himself alone there).
There's one other choice. You can divorce your husband, quit your job, and throw your entire life onto the burning funeral pyres of your parents. Essentially you have already made some serious moves in that direction.
I know you took this on thinking it was an emergency and there wasn't a choice. But there always WAS a choice. That was APS, getting your mom in for diagnosis, getting her placed so Dad could visit or allowing both to sell their home and enter managed care for the remainder of their lives. That is still the choice, if you choose it.
And to be honest, this is now all about your own choice. It doesn't involve the sibs. They aren't the ones who have tossed their lives.
Please do this for your sake, and your husbands, and for the coming time of retirement and having a good life together those few decades that are yours alone. I am 82. I treasure memories of those decades that were just ours, some of the most free times of our lives. Our children raised. Our parents gone. Just us. In full health. Wouldn't trade those times for anything.
As you are aware - or maybe you're not, in which case I am making you aware right now - I have been here, alone, taking care of mom and dad since July. It is now November.
Mom and dad need more help that I, alone, am able - or, at this point, willing - to continue to give them.
I am hereby giving you all notice that I intend to return to my home, husband and family on (pick a date). If you want to have a serious conversation about the state of mom and dad's care and try to come up with a reasonable solution before then- and by that, I mean one that DOESN'T involve me giving up my life and livelihood to remain here as their in-home caregiver - then let's set a date to make that conversation happen. If you don't want to do that, I fully understand, and we will have to wait until some issue - a fall, an illness, an injury, etc. - forces our hands. Let me say that I don't think that is the best solution to this problem, but my remaining here as their sole caregiver is no longer tenable, and I will not do it any longer.
Your sister,
_____________"
This is the message I would send to my sibs if I were in your situation. And I would fully expect backlash, guilt-tripping, and false promises of how things will "change".
There is no way I would allow myself to be separated from my husband, family and home for as long as you have been, while my siblings get to live their "best life", and my parents get to remain in this unreasonable dream of "aging at home" being done at MY expense.
This will take some strength and fortitude on your part, to be sure, and only you know if you can make this line in the sand and stick to it. But you would not be wrong, or evil or selfish or bad if you were to call it quits in this situation.
I hope you can come to a solution that allows you to get back to your family with minimal drama.
Good luck!
You will need an Elder Lawyer to split your parents assets. Moms split going to her care and when almost gone, apply for Medicaid. Once on Medicaid, Dad can remain in the home, have a car and enough of the monthly income to live on. You can use Dads money to set this all up.
I don't expect children to care physically for a parent. Don't expect them to move in with me or me with them thing. But I do feel if they never were abused as children, they should be there for a parent if they are nearby. They can find resources to help a parent. I also believe in boundaries.
Your Mom, its no longer what she wants. Its what she needs. She cannot make informed decisions so you and Dad need to make them. See if their PCP has Nurse Practioners that can come out and evaluate Mom. If Dementia is found, she really should see a neurologist.
I went through it all, came to this forum, read the same advices. It helped me deal with my reality and kept me from drowning. Again, read each one and act on what is applicable to your reality. Don't wait until you are sick.
Best wishes!
You can give him a date. A good one around the corner is Christmas, you want to be home for the Holiday. (Or if possible have your husband and daughter come to see the "family" at Christmas and you go home with them.)
Tell your siblings you are done. If they wish to take turns and step up that is on them. If not you report "Vulnerable seniors" to APS and see what the follow up does.
When S-Dad can no longer care for your mom he does :
1. Place her in Memory Care
2 Can hire caregivers to come in and help out.
Mom no longer gets a say in who comes in and helps out.
Forget about getting help from your siblings.
Worst case scenario is that "something" will happen resulting in mom going to the hospital. If that is the case then your S-Dad needs to say that he can no longer SAFELY care for her at home and that she can not be discharged back home.
In the interim see if there are places that mom could go during the day to give S-Dad a break. Are there Adult Day Programs she would be able to go to? This would give everyone a break and she would get socialization and activities.