How to handle siblings who won’t help our mother who has cancer?

As you can see from so many responses, you are not alone :(

After years of asking/cajoling my sister to just do SOMETHING, ANYTHING, and getting nowhere, I finally let her have it. I was ugly, mean and ultimately—truthful. And then I told her she’ll hear from me when/if a hospital issue arises, or Mom passes. (We moved out of state 3 years ago, moved Mom in with us after my sister just…did nothing)

Best decision ever. My stress decreased, I can focus totally on Mom’s happiness

i will always be disappointed and heartbroken that she could do this to our Mother, but I’ve accepted it. It’s a bitter pill to realize there will be no relationship once Mom is gone, but I know it the right thing.

I wish you luck and love, it’s a hard path.

Dear Frustrated84,
You are too nice. The honest truth is your brothers don't care about you or your family. They want and expect you to do everything so they don't have to do anything. Love is a verb. Stop inviting them into your home and cooking for them. Let them make their own plans for what ever occasion that is going on because one thing I've learned is that these types of people always have a plan b. They'll be fine and you won't be disappointed. You can't change your mom's view of "golden" so don't fight it. Put energy into help for yourself first. Then help your mom get the help she needs. That means it needs to be more than just you!

"My mother has always been tougher on me than them and always makes excuses for them. They are boys, they have to work, etc."

Mother has some narcissistic attributes. These mothers often praise their sons, but are extra hard on their daughters. The boys are the Golden Child, the daughter is the scapegoat. The sons don't have to do much but the daughter better be on call 24/7. She is the one expected to do all the caretaking, all the grunt work. It always falls on the daughters. Google "narcissistic mothers" and I promise you will gain so much insight. Note how she excuses the boys with "they have to work!". Yes, and so do you. But your brothers' jobs seem to be worth a lot more than yours. Their jobs are important. Yours, not so much.

Of course your brothers don't do anything! You've been doing it all and are continuing to do so. You made a step in the right direction when you demanded you have your own mothers day, but you undid it when you went on and did mothers day with her anyway. Your mom and brothers decided long ago that you would be the caretaker. Even if you have your own family and your own responsibilities. You're here to serve. Society still expects the daughters to sacrifice themselves.

"I decorated, bought and prepared all of the food and they wouldn’t even show up." That is definitely a bummer and no one could blame you for being upset. Whether you realized it or not, you may have been trying to impress your brothers (and mother too?). You did all that work and you hoped they would see it and appreciate your efforts. They don't concern themselves with caretaking because it was not expected of them in the first place.

You won't change mother's view at this point in her life. You can talk to the brothers and kindly but firmly tell them you NEED help. Tell them the exact things they can do. Like brother #1 brings dinner one night a week, brother #2 checks in with her twice a week. Whatever works for all of you.

My father has PD and lives in our home. My baby sister is a SAHM and lives in an apartment that is attached to our home. She can't even be bothered to check on him when the rest of us are unavailable. Unfortunately, you simply cannot change people. But I hope you at least find some comfort in knowing you are not alone in your situation. ::HUGS::

Frustrated84: I am so sorry for you. This also happened to me when I moved out of state to care my late mother, while my brother offered no assistance.

I sat with my mother when her doctor told her to "get her affairs in order" because it was stage 4 lung cancer: he gave her 3 months. I sobbed until there was no more water left in my system and then moved her into my home so that she could have loved ones near her throughout her last chapter. Although she had many friends, only one showed up, once; her sister showed up once and one son, out of two, showed up a few times for short visits. I threw her "last birthday party 30 miles away from my home but near her two sons so they could easily get away for lunch............neither showed up. In the end, I felt like I was the lucky one because I got to spend quality time with her and my baby boy got to talk to her.......he called her, "honey." We were the fortunate ones. We had no funeral, because I'm a firm believer that no one should visit a dead person when they had no time for them when they were alive. I have no regrets, but I do miss her every day of my life and look forward to being with her on the other side.

Have you discussed Hospice with her?

So sorry this is your family dynamic. It would be nicer and more helpful for your siblings to help, but they haven't so far - and probably won't help. That being said, please consider how you need to change the way you handle mom's needs so you don't get burnt out. Consider getting more help: family members, friends, members of faith community, volunteers, and paid help. Streamline everything and lower your expectations - a lot. The goal is to have mom's needs met while making sure yours gat met too.

Another example of the futility of cancer treatment. She will day anyway but with more suffering and less money because or the cost of a failed expensive anti-cancer treatment. Assistance to her is voluntary. No one is obligated under the law.

I’m so sorry that you are having a similar issue that I’m dealing with. I have no answer either! I do however have empathy and compassion for you and what you are enduring! It fuels hate and it can drag you to the depths of despair, which is unhealthy and not the best for your family. Continue to do for your Mom and when possible, hire a caregiver to assist you so that you can have some free time with your family.

Good Afternoon,

This is my story...every family is the same. Don't keep knocking on a door that won't open.

Accept it and do something about it. Don't ask people to be on the "caregiving" team if they won't to be members. I know this is hard to admit but I see this all the time.

I have made peace, accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference. After a while it's a broken record--do things that will keep your life in order.

It's an Act of Congress to get my siblings to participate or agree on anything, they'll all Chief. I quietly go along and do all the work, make the sacrifices but have finally wised up.

Things to do for yourself: Walk, pray, library card, bathing suit--swim for exercise, work remotely, pay yourself first by writing a check to go into your pension so you will not be living on popcorn in your old age.

Keep the door open. Ironically, they may not even like how good you are doing at handling this. I know this may sound crazy but don't give them the satisfaction of flipping out. Keep a routine schedule, join a Church, befriend the neighbors.

I, too, have been at the ER at all hours of the night/early morning with no support. I have since learned to accept it and pray and keep calm. I know it's hard but it is what it is.

You are not alone my friend. My prayers are with you.

I would recommend getting your Mom on Long Term Medicaid and in a nursing facility. Her needs are only going to increase with the cancer. Hospice does have facilities for terminal patients. It might be worth checking into. Since your brother’s will not provide their time, would they provide money for her care so that she can remain home? All the best to you.

To reiterate...this is on them. They will feel horrible for not spending more time with her when she is gone. And when she asks where they are, don't make excuses. She made them who they are. And if she gives you grief, then don't visit as much or at all.
Don't let her move in with you. It will exhaust you. You deserve more, and so does your family.

I experienced the same thing prior to my mom’s passing last year. My brothers were useless - despite one having lived with her and the other being very financially secure with no one to care for…I, on the other hand, took time off from work, traveled across the country, left my family, including a toddler who id never been away from for more than 10 days, to care for every aspect of my mom’s end of life care. It was absolutely tragic - my mother was so confused why they weren’t around and had just wanted us all to be together. One stayed for 24 hours, I was there for 3 weeks. When she passed, I sold her home within a week, housed my other brother who had been living with her, and have since taken care of all her belongings and trust. The whole experience was traumatizing in a way I never knew was possible. I’m so sorry you’re going through this again.

You're not going to like what I have to say.
Leave those brothers alone. This is all on them and it really is none of your business what their choices are. Hire some help for your mom and go about your life best you can. Not everyone is cut out to be caregivers. You say she has lung cancer... was she a smoker? Did she cause this herself ? If so it is what it is. Like it or not, she raised her boys to be the men they are today. So.. like I say... ignore them. Whatever they are willing to do for their mom is gravy in the kettle. Stop depending on them to do what you want them to do. It does no good to complain to them obviously. Start looking for some outside help so you can run all those businesses that allows you to be with your family. Stop depending upon them to show up for dinners etc. Make & eat your wonderful dinner without them. Don't even mention it to them. In the end, what you've done to help your mom is what's important. Not what they've done. Good luck.

Your brothers have shown you what they truly are. Believe them.

Are you willing to have your mother move in with you again? If not, develop a plan so that does not happen. What are her finances? Could she become Medicaid-eligible?

How did she come to raise you one way and them another? I guess if she always made excuses for them, that she spoiled them? She is treating you as lesser than them. You don't have to take that.

You have your own life -- live it! Do NOT be sucked into becoming (once again?) your mother's fulltime caregiving slave.

"They are boys" and this is the problem. They were raised that its OK your boys. Unlike girls who need to be there for people. I was the oldest and a girl. Sister passed so leaves 2 brothers. I lived in same town.

You have a right to feel the way you do. But now decisions are going to need to be made. There is no way with your responsibilities that you will be able to do the hands on care for Mom. So, she is going to need help and you spend her money to get it. Maybe she should go to an AL if she has the money. Don't let her say, I am leaving what I have to u and the boys. Point out that you cannot care for her again. That she needs to pay for that care. If she has no money than Medicaid or ask her sons. Tell her you cannot do it alone. And its not fair of her to expect it. Your brothers do not have the responsibility you do. She needs to ask them for help, not you.

Long ago I chose not to be mad at my brothers. I also did not ask for help nor did I ask them to visit Mom. I figured in their 50s they were big boys and didn't need big sister to tell them what to do. They had wives for that. One brother lives out of State and I will probably not see him unless I go to him. The other, 30 min away and I have not seen him since Mom passed 5 yrs ago. Last 3 yrs I have texted him Happy Birthday with no response. So, this will be my last yr to text. Especially since he did respond to my other brother when he texted HB. My attitude now is if I hear from them, nice. You are a happier person if you don't expect things from people.

Issues with siblings can break a person. I am experiencing it now and have for the last 7-8 years. You are the fallback and they know it. Maybe your emotional makeup won't allow you to just walk away from your mother, maybe their emotional makeup makes them more selfish and unwilling to sacrifice. I don't know. But it is the single most common issue with taking care of elderly parents...siblings fighting about it.

I have 4 sibs who do the bare minimum (and by that, I mean drop in once a week, sit around and eat the food here, watch TV then leave -- a couple don't even do that -- all within 30 minutes of the LOs). Nobody else is cleaning up poop from constant diarrhea, getting supplies, checking blood sugars, staying up all night in an ER with whatever issue is going on that time, etc.

I wish I could sugar coat this somehow but it is fact, when you are abandoned by your sibs, it's a living hell and great chance for all sorts of resentment and anger to build up. I've yet to reconcile any of this myself. Some days, I imagine that when my elderly parents are gone, I'll cut ties with my siblings. I feel if this is their treatment of me now, they won't deserve my attention or love then. Because, let's face it, the enormity of taking care of our LOs can't even be measured. And doing it alone without help from sibs? Really pretty overwhelming on so many levels and none of them good.

I wish you all the best and hope that you do find a way to get some help for yourself. Please, please don't go the way of many family caregivers and let your own health and needs go to take care of your LO.

Frustrated84,

I am so sorry your having to deal with selfish siblings. I too, am dealing with the same. Always too busy.
Their is only one you. You are spreading yourself to wide. You have too many responsibilities. You maintain home, your children and her that’s too much! Does your Husband help? Why do you care for him? Is he ill?
You have to have time for you or your going to explode. Try to have a family meeting with your sibling whether it’s via zoom or an actual meeting even if it’s at their place to be sure they come. Discuss how you feel. What needs to be done to aid Mother and that she had more than one child. I understand what you mean how your Mom treated them differently. My Mom did as well felt you are to treat boys different than the girls. I felt it was wrong because it causes sibling rivalry and sibling division which it did in my case plus with the brothers it’s the reason they feel they don’t have to do anything or be responsible to help because of how she treated them. Their unconcerned, selfish, too busy for their Mom, but have all the time and energy for their in laws. I deal with this from my siblings and have for years. They can go years without seeing their parents but make sure they see their in laws a few times a year. You may have to get care for your Mom like Home Health to care for her a few times a week to give you relief. You cannot do it all sooner or later it’s gonna take a toll on you.
It’s not fair that their not helping in no shape or fashion their her children too! People MAKE time for what’s important to them. If your Mom don’t think it’s important for her other kids to help than I would hire help and take time for yourself and your family. Your only one person. Pray about the rest.

Hi, First, you are doing a terrific job. I couldn't do what you are doing. From my viewpoint, life has dealt you some ugly cards. However, it could be worse.

You didn't say whether your brothers criticized the care or treatments of your Mom. You also did not say whether they committed and did not deliver. I'm hoping that they just stayed plain away.

Side story: After months of cajoling younger brother (early 40s and the preferred child), younger brother promised to take elderly, very slow walking, not completely mentally competent Mom to go grocery shopping. It was 2 mile RT, with lots of stoplights. When responsible sibling saw Mom the following day, she was full of new bruises. Mom said it was because she fell down twice, and was jerked around inside the car (she did not have a seat belt on because he didn't want to put it on her). Mom doesn't want younger brother to drive her ever again. Younger brother never mentioned the falls. Mother and responsible sibling never pressed younger brother to take Mom out again. Younger brother got his way. He no longer is asked to take care of his Mom. However, he still continues to provide his so un-helpful suggestions that he never delivers on.

That is worse.

Giving your brothers the benefit of the doubt, I suspect don't know how to help without being sucked in to a longer term commitment that they don't want. I also suspect that your Mother has groomed them to think that helping her in her elderly years is not their job. You might be doing such a great job, that they are afraid to help or upset you. At least they are NOT giving you unwanted advice.

I think you need to do 2 things:

1) You need to take stock of your situation, with the help of a social worker or therapist and map out a plan of what is reasonable to expect from you, without additional family assistance, given that you have your own family and job. You don't have to do all of this yourself. However, you do have to be willing to give up some of the care and some of the control. What and how much you give up and delegate to others is something you need to learn how to do and will make you a better manager for the longer term. Think of yourself, your children, your husband, your Mom and your job.

2) Talk to your brothers and ask them how much they want to be involved and suggest how they can be involved. Tell them it is okay if they don't want to be involved. But you need to know where they stand. Do you need someone to talk to? Ask them if they can just be on the other end of a text message, no solutions needed, just a person to vent to. Do you need weekly phone calls just so that everyone is aligned with the treatment plan? Ask them if they are available for that.

I can tell you from experience that at-home care did trigger my PTSD. If I had used a Nursing Home, that would have triggered my PTSD also because I didn't like the non-treatment and empty promises my Mom received. I write this because I think any normal person will have PTSD, unless they take action to combat it.

The fact that you are juggling so many high priority demands on your time means that something is not taking as high as a priority which you think it should. With counselling and therapy, you can get help making sure that you don't self-destruct.

If your Mom is going through cancer treatment, I am sure the oncology unit has access to social workers and counsellors. I suggest that you make use of those resources for yourself.

Don't expect your brothers to come to your aid. They already have shown twice that they will not in the manner you would like. Thankfully, they are not getting in your way. Now you just need to figure out how to go forward in a matter that is acceptable to you and your family. Your husband and children are affected by this also.

I wish you luck and clearer, cleaner pathways.

Happy Mothers Day to you. Terrific job you do as a daughter too. Expect nothing from your brothers and then you will won't be disappointed. My brother didn't help either. My sister would have, but she died soon after my father died. I asked my brother for assistance over an over the first year Mom became difficult to take care of and when the help didn't come, I just stopped expecting it. That helped and I don't really feel hurt about it now.

Firstly, I am so sorry for you & your Mother.
Secondly, feelings of anger, tears, sadness are all normal!
And crying is OK!!!

"My brothers did absolutely nothing to help me or her".

Again, ok to feel any way you want about that: heart-broken, angry, sad.

But thirdly, to be honest, what are your expectations?
Do you expect your brothers to become nurses? I am not being sexist, there are many wonderful nurses that are male. You may have had 6 sisters... but if they are not nurses, cannot live wage free, then they cannot quit their jobs to turn nurse. I may sound harsh & I am sorry for that. But you cannot change your siblings. Accept this now & save precious time.

You have chosen to help. This is your choice. Let your siblings choose for themselves also. (It took me a while to learn this btw).

Just skip asking non-helpers for help. Put your energy into looking for real help from professional services instead.

(((Hugs)))

Give them one more chance. Use definitive statements like "I need you to ______ on ______."

Spell out the needs, be cognizant that they, too, have jobs and families, and know that their priorities are different than yours. If you can get some cooperation within the boundaries they've set, then it's a win.

If you expect them to instinctively step up, you'll be waiting a very long time. Men tend not to do that. They care for their loved ones by going out and earning money to pay for the things their families need. They aren't big on hands-on care or anything emotional, like visiting and making small talk, especially with sick people.

My brother literally did nothing to help my folks, but once they reached crisis level and I'd had to move in with them, he'd run errands for me like a madman when I'd ask. Once Dad had passed and Mom went to a facility, he wouldn't visit her even though he lived two miles from her to my 40. I finally moved her closer to me, and he saw her about five times in 2 1/2 years, but he was there with her all day the last three days of her life. None of it made sense, but he did what he did, and I couldn't control him. I only could do what I could do, and that's all you can do.

Yes absolutely..my 95 year old mother has dementia, immobile, incontinent & has behavioral problems…
asked brother if he could come over today & he said…he’s busy with gf …as always, it was just mom & me. Today, I did 3 diaper changes, washed her hair, clipped her nails, gave her breakfast, lunch & snacks, put her on commode..took her out of bed & back to bed…this is done with transfer lift machine…I have to hook her up & make sure she holds on. etc etc etc …& brother has never done anything I do even for 5 min. & he has absolutely no guilt at all. Unbelievable. I once asked him why he didn’t at least take me out to brunch or lunch these past 5 years when the private pay aide is home with mom…his answer: “I didn’t know you wanted to…” Hugs 🤗 to us

Go back to the title line of your post. How do you handle siblings?

Bottom line: You don't/cant handle any other adult.

All decisions about participating in someone's life are personal decisions. All the pleading and begging won't change a thing. I suppose I just took the approach of I have to do things or make decisions about my relationships based on 'what can I live with'. Some can live with what they call hard love and putting a child (adult or not) on the street. Some will be involved with parental care and others will not. What your brother's can live with is different than what you can live with (within your heart).

I would also guess that men are less likely to step up for personal care of a mother just because it's personal. There's also the thing about looking back on their life - did you always step up to the plate while they allowed you to handle things solo?

Don't try to 'handle them'. They will have their relationship with mom and you will have yours.

dear OP,
:)

empathy hug!!!!

1.
happy mother's day to you (and all mothers on the forum)!!! :) :) :)

2.
i'm very sorry to hear you're crying on mother's day. totally undeserved. i look forward to whipping your brothers' butts.

3.
i'm in the SAME SITUATION as you.
(regarding siblings).

my case:
we were also a very CLOSE, tightly-knit family. i'm also the youngest and only girl, like you.
(by the way...it's VERY COMMON for the older siblings to dump it all on the youngest. of course sometimes it's the oldest, or the middle...anyway, very commonly, it's dumped on the youngest).
(it's EXTREMELY common for "men" to dump it on their sister.)
(they're not "men". they're *ssholes.)
(a - man - behaves well).

i have 3 older brothers.
they, like your bothers, ran away, dumped it all on me.

1 of your brothers apologized. that's rare.
but unfortunately, your brother didn't change. that's common.

4.
of course you're angry. and you're RIGHT to be angry, depressed, hurt, surprised, shocked.

in addition, the other day, it was your husband's bday! and STILL, your brothers did nothing.

5.
it's impossible to be angry and happy at the same time.

6.
what shall you (OP) and i do, with our justified anger? here's what i suggest:

(a) write them (even if they don't read it) everything you want to say, the anger, all of it. they deserve to receive it. you can say it on the phone. in writing is good too, then you have a copy of what you wrote. get it off your chest -- by directing it AT THEM (not just at this forum, or your husband, or your mother, or whomever you're talking to).
(b) after you've gotten it off your chest...one option if you want, is to basically cut contact with them. they're not nice people. PEOPLE WHO ARE WILLING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE ARE NOT NICE PEOPLE.
(c) brothers like yours, and mine, help with NOTHING. not even searching for caregivers, facilities, NOTHING.
(d) what goes around comes around. they'll one day be vulnerable, frail and need help - karma will come back to them.
(e) since it's impossible to be angry and happy at the same time...after you've gotten it off your chest, do everything you can, to make your life wonderful.
(f) it's extremely kind of you to help your mother as much as you do. and i bet, extremely hard (you work, you're a mother, a wife, a friend).
(g) i really wish you to enjoy the rest of mother's day!! you still have some hours left!! :) :)
(h) you live with a clear conscience. just make sure to rescue your life. it's no good living with a clear conscience, but living a destroyed life (destroyed by all the stress of caregiving).

huge, huge hugs to you.

now, i'll go kick your brothers' butts.
and my brothers'.

you go enjoy mother's day!!!!! :)

bundle of joy :)

I wouldn’t even tell them when she dies, nor mention a funeral.

What really surprises me in all of this is your first statement that you ALL were VERY CLOSE before the cancer.
I must say that is unusual. VERY unusual, for two brothers who are VERY close to mother and sister to step away in this manner. Sometimes this is seen with one siblings who cannot stand the idea of illness and death, but it is almost unheard of in my long experience as a nurse for TWO brothers to disengage from a much loved mother who is ill and from a sister who also very loved.
I am assuming you have sat and spoken with them, and have asked them if they can explain that they loved all all got along prior to illness, but them moved away? What did they say to you? You tell us one brother apologized? What did he give as a reason?
Whatever your answers to this odd mystery might be, if answers there are, the fact is that you are left with an ill mother whose sons have disengaged. A mother who says she understands, and that they are busy? So quite honestly I don't see what choice you have. I would suggest to you that you support your mother but do not leave your own family nor move her in with your own family. When she needs daily care she should go to someplace that can provide that, and you can continue to support and visit her there as she moves toward what is likely to be a terminal process. It will be too difficult to handle this virtually alone, and that's where you are. I would be honest about it. Mom and the bros may not like all that honesty, but there is no other option, and the illness is here and must be dealt with.
I would be so honest with Mom as to tell her how it will have to be going forward. That you dealt with all of it once, and will do what you can now, but that you cannot again do 24/7 care on your own, and don't intend to try.
I am most of all and first of all very sorry for this illness, and for what mean a final loss for you. I am sorry your brothers, for reasons unknown perhaps even to them have moved away, but you cannot honestly change anyone and it is a waste of energy to try.
I am certain this will have lasting repercussions on how you view your brothers. But there is little to be done with that. Go on with your own family.
My heart goes out to you and to your Mom. I am so very sorry for all this grief and worry. It is a shame about your bros but I cannot even begin to fathom a guess what their problems are, and since these things don't change it isn't worth hazarding a guess.
I wish you and your Mom the very best. There are many new treatments today and I hope your Mom's condition improves.