Long story short - my Dad had a massive hemorrhagic stroke a year and a half ago, leaving him profoundly brain damaged and paralyzed on his left side. Emergency surgery saved his life.
If anyone would have bothered to ask me if my father would have wanted to live the rest of his life in diapers, never able to walk or care for himself ever again - I would have said NO. But I was not his emergency contact - his 82 year old mother was. He had no POA/ living will or insurance. No plan for long term care. We had to go to court together and were granted co-guardianship.
So here we are. Several hospitals, doctors, physical therapists, and nursing facilities later and not much progress has been made. My grandma has had him moved five times already as no place is ever good enough and she wants to move him AGAIN. She has spent an enormous amount of his money doing this and when it runs out (in less than a year I estimate) we will be left with NO other options other than a medicaid facility.
Whenever my Dad has a complaint he calls her and then she in turn calls me to complain. I'm at my wit's end. If I could make everything better for my Dad I would but I can't. How can I get my grandma to accept the reality of his condition and get her to think more rationally about his long term care instead of focusing on every little complaint and treating it like a crisis?!
She is an enormously caring woman who wants the best for her son and it is very hard for me to talk to her about this. She keeps hoping he will recover enough to go to assisted living but has been told multiple times that he requires too much care for this to be possible.
Ultimately, I will end up with the sole responsibility of caring for him once she's gone and, quite honestly, I have my own life to live too. I can't afford to spend all my time obsessing over the details of a hopeless situation.
What can I do? Do any of you have similar struggles?
I don't think there's any other choice in this matter but to have dad eventually go into a Medicaid SNF. If dad is competent now, have him sign a DNR and make his final care wishes known, so you can carry them out as HE wants. I myself would never want my life extended if I had a stroke and was paralyzed, etc. But unfortunately, there were no instructions written out by him should that event occur. Now you are left to deal with this situation, and a grandmother who doesn't want to. Perhaps a visit to a Certified Elder Care attorney WITH grandma present will help her understand the options a bit better, coming from an attorney vs. her granddaughter. Just a thought.
I'm so sorry for your family. May God grant you the courage and strength to face all of the decisions that you'll be dealing with in the future.
Your poor dad. If he is cognizant and able to communicate at all, you need to bring in an attorney and set up a healthcare directive or whatever it is called. He needs to have his wishes in writing and everyone needs to honor those wishes.
Personally I'd never want to be an invalid in diapers in a SNF. I have it in LEGAL writing and my spouse, siblings and friends are very much aware of my thoughts on this.
Moving him constantly is cruel IMO, but if your dad is well enough to convey complaints to her, I suppose he can tell her if he didn't want to move.
It looks like you're going to be putting him on Medicaid one way or another, because if he only has a year's worth of funds left, that won't be getting stretched enough to prevent that inevitability from coming one day. You might need to tell Grandma that the moving needs to stop so you can get him lined up for Medicaid. It doesn't happen overnight, so you don't want to be caught unprepared.