My parents aged 90 and 83 will not bathe and take keep themselves clean. Mom now has HH coming and they offered to send someone to help her bathe, she refused of course. Mom is pretending to be so sick and weak she can't pour herself a cup of coffee, She was evaluated by OT and they said she didn't need it. Yet I am taking care of them doing all the cleaning and cooking as well as furnishing all the food. I am disabled and only get 1290 per month. They get nearly $7000 per month. I can't afford to keep feeding them. It has nearly doubled my grocery bill.They only pay me a sum that amounts to about 25 cents an hour. Mom has nothing wrong with her except she wants to sit and have someone waiting on her. She doesn't want me to go anywhere or do anything but to be at her beck and call. I am ready to lose it big time. Can anyone tell me what to do??? I have a very bad back and have had surgery once and am needing it again. I fear I am going to get myself injured and have to go into the hosptia myself. She does not care that I am unable to hold up to do this from now on. She is just being a real bitch.
You certainly cannot continue paying for their groceries, etc - especially when they have the funds to do so. Unfortunately, they are taking advantage of you and this will only get worse.
I would call the local elder services in your town and meet with one of their social workers. They can give you advice on what to do next. There are programs such as Meals on Wheels which are a minimal cost and are delivered directly to the door. They can truly help you - they were a lifeline for me and even went so far as to meet with my mother and me together as she would not listen to me when I was alone.
Hugs to you and hope you can get some help. Take care of yourself as best you can - you are a wonderful daughter and your parents are blessed by all you have done for them.
It sounds like you need to have access to your parents' credit card. You can charge their food on the card, then let them pay it. That way you wouldn't have to have POA or have your name added to their accounts, which they probably wouldn't like. Do not spend your own money. Period. Doing that gives them permission to keep exploiting your good will. They have their own money.
Your mother sounds like mine. She talks like she was once industrious, but the truth is she has always been lazy. I've known her for 61 years, so she doesn't fool me. I've learned there is little that can be done with chronic lazy except not to be so available to do things for them. If your mother is like mine, she'll say things like, "When I was your age, I climbed tall mountains and fought angry lions." Of course, I know the only thing she did was go on walks while the house and yard went to pot. Talking about all she used to do is just her way of trying to manipulate me, and is particularly hateful.
Seriously, someone ought to do a book on the psychology of older folks.
My dad had Meals on Wheels and he wasn't low income but he had to be 'homebound' and he was. The only criteria for him was that he not be able to leave the house except for medical appointments, church, and/or a barbershop. As long as followed those rules Meals on Wheels came by every week.
Also, my dad would not take showers for days and days on end. I still don't know if was laziness or fear. I tried to talk to him about it but he had no answers. So after a brief hospital stay (I was mortified that he lived with me and smelled so bad. I was afraid someone would report me.) I arranged for a bath attendant to come by twice a week and that worked for.....one week. Finally I just bought 2 different kinds of wipes: baby wipes for his perineal area and fresh-smelling Lever 2000 wipes for everything else. I plopped these in his bathroom and encouraged him to use them and he did. I would also encourage him to use them on days when I thought he needed to bathe and after BM's. I'd clean his bathroom (in a Hazmat suit) and put everything out he'd need, arranged attractively. Clean, fluffy towels. An empty trash can for the wipes. I'd set out his toothbrush and mouthwash. It looked like a spa. And it spared me from having to continually express to him that he smelled, which was an awkward conversation for both of us.
People who aren't caregivers often say, "Just MAKE him do it!" Well, you can't physically wrestle a grownup into the shower. Or you can't force medication down someone's throat. You can't throw someone over your shoulder like a sack of potatoes, push them into the car to go and see a Dr. Like the old saying goes, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink."
No more buying food and lots of luck with the hygeine issue. :-)
But back to your situation....if your parents receive so much money a month then they definitely can afford to pay someone to come in and help with their hygiene. I threatened my mom that if she didn't bathe then I would bring someone in to do it. By the way, I am her home health provider too. I agree with the other responders in that you must get POA and that you need to find a way to step away in some way in order for you to get some kind of rest. I do not live with my mother and I would never bring her to live with me either. I finally arrived at some type of peace with myself in truly understanding that I am doing the best that I can for her and knowing that someday it will not be enough. But yes I still get exhausted and some days I do not even want to go to her place. Now she is having symptoms of age onset dementia so I know that it may get worse.
But yes, you have to do some tough love and let them know your true feelings instead of bottling up like I used to do at first. Once I let my mom know how I truly felt things got a little bit better. But you need to take care of yourself. I truly wish you the best in this situation and pray that God gives you the strength of mind and body that you need.
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