My 87 year old mother lives with my husband and me. About 2 years ago she was diagnosed with osteo-arthritis. Since then it's been down hill. Growing up she was a good Mom, catered to me, even spoiled me. We were very close. But now, I hate to say this, but I don't know this woman and the loving Mom I had is gone. She is self centered, self absorbed, uncooperative and entitled.
Dementia is not an issue at the moment (she was tested). Granted she may be undermedicated for pain, but her Dr. is hesitant to prescribe arthritis medications due to her kidney function. So he recommended OTC meds, which don't really help a great deal.
Anyway, I understand she's in pain but my husband and I have done everything we can think of to make her life easier. We've bought her shower chairs, a new bed, pillows, blankets, a transport chair, a walker, a freezer (she will only eat Schwanns) and yet she finds fault with all of it, "The pillows are too hard, the blankets are too scratchy, the shower chair isn't comfortable..." etc.
The final straw was yesterday. We took her to a podiatry appt. We put her in the transport chair, thinking it would be easier to wheel her out of our apartment to the car. As soon as we got out in the hallway, she starts screeching and crying. Granted the med supply company forgot to give us the foot rests, so I understand she was initially upset. I suggested she lift her feet. Instead she continued to screech until I went and got her walker. Walked her to the car, she needed assistance getting her legs again, more screeching. At this point my husband and I are thinking "Great! The neighbors are going to think we're beating the crap out of her."
After the appointment she came home and got on the phone with a friend and was laughing and having a great conversation. She had no remorse or apologies for the way she acted going to the appt.
My husband and I were miserable all night. We were both mentally drained and really didn't interact with her (except to give her dinner) for the rest of the night. Once she was in bed, we were able to relax.
The thing is, we have sacrificed time, energy and quite possibly our marriage and she couldn't care less. We haven't gone on a trip or even out of town for a day trip for over 2 years. We are stuck at home with an ungrateful woman.
As you can see, we're both spent, emotionally, physically and mentally. We've had the VNA come, but even they couldn't deal with her.
I just needed to vent. It's been a tough two years and an even tougher 24 hours. Not sure how much more we can take or how much more my marriage can take.
As for the rest : I think there is a real disconnect between your expectations and her needs. No matter how loving and caring you have been she no doubt feels her loss of independence and her increasing physical deterioration keenly and is not willing/able to make the effort to age gracefully. It's OK to decide you can't continue this way and to help her find a placement in a care facility, but if you are determined to have her live with you then you need to grow a thicker skin and not stress so much over her Negative Nelly narrative. You need to learn to respond that yes, getting old sure sucks and you are sorry her life isn't easier, THE END.... stop pressuring yourself to fix everything.
"As for the rest"... I agree with you in most of that, also. As caretakers, there is only so much that we can do, only so much that we even should do. As I age I am constantly adjusting my own expectations of myself and adapting my surroundings and my life so that I do not become a nuisance to my children. One thing for sure, whatever else happens I will NOT move in with either of my children. I think that if my mother had actually cared for an elder--even a little bit--in her 60's or 70's she would have had an entirely different attitude.
A 'sreeching' elder--OMGosh--my MIL would do that. IF you could get her to go to the dr in the first place. Difference is, My MIL still lives' alone. She creeps around her house, pushing a kitchen chair around for balance and won't use the walker b/c it 'makes her look old". DH told her that using a chair makes her look DEMENTED and that went over just the way you think it would.
She WANTS to live with her daughter and her DH. And there is NO WAY on earth that is going to happen.
You need to prioritize your life--many marriages do in fact break up over the care of an elder-esp when the elder LIVES with you. My SIL and BIL have told MIL that there is NO WAY she can live with them. Period. NO being a complete sentence.
She messed up your day, and then she's home, chatting to friends and you and DH are wasted and angry. She seems incapable of having compassion for you.
Start looking for the living arrangements that are best for her. Independent living, a NH, and Assisted Living--whatever fits her budget.
PLAN that she will be furious, and then you won't be surprised when she is.
You cannot change her, and trying to is a waste of time. She sounds pretty content with the status quo.
Making the 'move' with love (if possible) is best, but she will be angry. Plan on that and if it doesn't happen--good for you!
When caring for relatives starts to impact your life and relationships negatively, it's past time for the discussion of 'what are we going to do with mom'.
I hope you didn't make that promise that you'd never 'put her in a home'. My MIL extracted that promise from her kids, but I don't think they will be able to keep it. Her next big fall will have her moved to AL. She just doesn't know it.
Good Luck.
No I never told I'd never put her in a nursing home. When she was in better health and we had a better relationship I used to tease her, as a joke, that I was going to call a local NH. We would laugh. I'm not laughing anymore.
Besides, she has no money so getting her in a nursing home will be challenging. We have a county home, but the waiting list is very long.
What I failed to mention was that my husband (her primary caretaker while I'm at work) is not in the greatest of health either (valve repair 3 years ago, Atrial fibrillation which is getting worse etc.). So I guess our only option, at this point is to simply provide her food and a remote control. Maybe that will be easier for us. The rest is up to her to figure out.
If your mother is able to act nice & laugh amicably with her friends on the phone, then she's also able to act that way with you and your husband but CHOOSES not to. It's that simple. I'm sorry she has osteo-arthritis. So do I, real bad in fact, yet I don't take my pain out on my husband or my children; it's my cross to bear and I don't expect others to bear it FOR me. That she chooses to age without grace or dignity is not something YOU should have to deal with any longer. Why give up your lives and your marriage for this? It's not like the woman has terminal cancer and is in true need of your attention 24/7, for petesake.
Get mother placed into a lovely Assisted Living residence and have her pay for others to deal with her histrionics. Let her order Schwann's food to be delivered to her apartment so she can pop whatever she likes into HER microwave and cook it herself if she chooses not to eat the food prepared for her at the ALF. She'll have other seniors her own age to kvetch with and to socialize with all day long, and best of all, she'll be out of your hair. You can sign her up for the in-house doctor who she can see to her heart's content w/o having to leave the premises, so no 'transport chair' will be required at all. Staff will be available to her 24/7, too, so all her needs can be addressed.
My parents lived in a beautiful ALF for nearly 7 years, Memory Care for the last 3 for my mother. They had a great life and I was able to preserve my relationship with them and with my husband as a result. I did not have to sacrifice my life to be a hands on caregiver to an ungrateful and complaining woman *which my mother was also* so it was a win/win situation.
Wishing you the best of luck taking your OWN lives into account now and not focusing on JUST your mother's life. There are THREE lives to take into consideration here, not just ONE.
Time to start doing the research.
This doctor can help regulate her pain meds and OTC so they work together. My daughter says you can take Ibuprofen and 2 hrs later take acetaminophen. They are 2 different types of pain killers.
Think it maybe time for a sit down with Mom. Tell her that you both are tired of catering to her. That she is self centered, self absorbed, uncooperative and entitled. That just because your her daughter, does not mean she can abuse you. I am not beyond a little threat, "Maybe you would be happier in an AL because you don't seem happy here. You seem miserable and you are making our lives miserable" If she starts to scream and holler, tell her sorry but things have to change and it has to be her. Tell her to think about it, and leave the room. Let her cuss and cry. She is acting like a child.
Are u renting that chair or did u purchase it? Either way, they needed to provide those foot rests. Wheelchairs come with foot rests.
You're right about her acting like a child. I contacted my Mom's BFF (they've known each other for 70 years) and asked her if Mom was always like this. She said they had fun as teens but as the years went on she saw the selfish come out in her. She said it's really bad now, that's why she doesn't call her every day anymore (they live 2,000 miles apart now).
Now for her acting out when things aren't going her way that requires behavior modification from you and husband. Stop catering to her. If she doesnt like this or that she can get an alternative herself.
If she makes a scene like when she was being taken to her appointment you simply don't take her to appointment or you have her arrange alternative transport to said apppintment that is not you. Mom is only doing what she is allowed to get away with. Time to stop letting her get away with this unacceptable behavior.
I find that it's better all around if I do not take my mother to doctor's appointments anymore. So I've all but stopped taking her. I'll give whoever does take her a ride and will pick them up, but I rarely go myself. This has improved things some.
She doesn't give "performances" and make unpleasant drama scenes when someone else brings her. That's reserved for me. Her greatest pleasure from giving a performance to a doctor, nurse, or other healthcare professional was when they'd tell me off and carry on about being more kind and compassionate to her.
I'd do the same thing she always did to me when I was a kid. I got punished whether I actually did something or not. It depended on whether or not she needed a scapegoat for something that day. 'You're going to bed with no supper'. Sometimes giving a 'performace' could be more important than me making her a meal. I'll make her a sandwich or she can fend for herslef while I sit down with my man to a home-cooked meal. The leftovers go straight into the dog's bowl. People have to respect themselves enough to let others know, their auacceptable behavior will not be tolerated.
Are you willing to further sacrifice your marriage to this situation?
I'd prefer not to sacrifice marriage to this situation but at the same time I hate what it's doing to my husband.
Part of the issue, keeping her at home is the cost and time. She has no money (she did when she sold her house but she blew through that in short order). In some ways she is independent in that she manages her own finances (now that she lives SS check to SS check she isn't shopping anymore).
As far as time goes, well, the only county nursing home in our area has a waiting list and that might be her only option as far as nursing homes go.
But you're right. As long as she lives with us, we're just not going to try to make her life more comfortable. We'll feed her, bath her and try to arrange for others to get her to doctor appointments. Both my husband and I are done.
The reason the VNA gave up on her (in my OP) was because she wasn't willing to put the effort forth. She just finished up physical therapy with them and her walking is no better.
If the only county nursing home isn't available and your mother needs to be placed, put her in one in a different country if you have to.
It's good that she's mentally with it enough to manage her own finances. That helps the situation. She should not be managing her own finances because really she shouldn't have any.
You and your husband should be taking her social security check every month. She lives in your house and you two are her caregivers. That should not be free. It certainly wouldn't be free in a nursing home or assisted living.
If she's not willing to make an effort to help herself to improve her mobility and her attitude, then you stop making such an effort to make her comfortable and happy.
Bare essentials only. Food, meds, a place to sleep, some hygiene assistance.
No catering to her in any way. No babying her and do not tolerate fussiness.
Often the best thing for an elder is tough love. Sometimes they have to learn the hard way that being needy and elderly does not entitle them to ruin the lives or their adult children by turning them into nanny-slaves.
Your mother may have to learn this lesson. So teach it. Don't put up with her crap.
I just deleted a bunch of stuff because someone else just posted about not criticizing people who are doing their level best, and I agree.
So try this instead: https://www.servicelink.nh.gov/about-us/nhfcsp.htm
In particular, about half way down the page, there's a bit about developing skills.
And get hold of that med supply company and box their ears - you do not, ever, use a wheelchair without its footrests.
There are no podiatrists who do housecalls in your area? I'd check, there should be.
Explain to her that she needs more care than the two of you can provide because her conditions are too serious. That you and your husband have been looking at nursing homes for her so she can get the care and pain management she needs.
I can all but guarantee that she will cut her crap by half and her 'performances' in public will be greatly reduced as well.
Also, you and your husband will be taking a vacation so plan something now. Your mother will be going into a care facility for respite care. No discussions and no arguments.
She is dependent on the two of you not the other way around.
You and your husband are not the only people on earth who can take her to a doctor's appointment. Or who can help her bathe. Or run her errands. I did this as work for 25 years. Get her a homecare aide.
When she complaina about the pillows, blankets, or anything else your new response is: Too damn bad. If you want better get it yourself. See how fast she stops complaining and making your lives miserable.
My mother is like this. Less now than before. She'd complain about every meal that was put in front of her. Even if it was her favorite. Until one day she made snide comment about the supper. So I collected her plate and threw it in the garbage. No supper that night. The complaining reduced greatly and fast.
You cannot allow her to call the shots and run your lives. Put her in her place. You never tolerate an ingrate. Not for one moment.
Getting in touch with an elder care attorney in your area (you can use your mom's SS income to pay him/her) OR your area agency on aging to start the paperwork so you have 1) a durable Power of Attorney to take over on financial and other decisions if and when needed (may not need it yet, but best to have this done in advance of the need), 2) get an advanced directive for her so you are her "medical agent" and can make decision if and when needed, 3) work through what needs to happen to get her qualified for Medicaid coverage of long term nursing home care (there are lots of rules about spending down, and there is a 5-year look back provision which means if she gave away lots of $ it could be an issue), 4) work out "on-line" stuff (so you have access to her accounts and can pay for thing including the nursing home's "costs of care contribution" amount (once qualified for Medicaid, each state requires the resident to may a monthly payment to the nursing home out of their Social Security and/or other retirement accounts if one has others such as pension) but this is all easier to handle with "on-line" accounts for both the bank and anything else and 5) this sounds terrible, BUT: if for any reason she ends up in the hospital (a fall or other thing) over night; the social workers at the hospital can help find a nursing home (first typically as a "rehab stay" but make sure the facility is Medicare and Medicaid qualified FIRST and have her go there for a stay) BUT MAKE SURE to tell the social worker 1) it is NOT safe for her to be in your apt alone, 2) you cannot care for her and 3) when signing the "rehab facility's" admission paperwork MAKR SURE TO CHECK the boxes "NO, you personally will not be financially responsible," and "NO, you personally will NOT take her back," and "Yes, you will work with the facility to get her Medicaid Long Term Care qualified." You need to be clear with that it is "unsafe" for her to be alone in your apt and "you cannot care for her." These words someone trigger words are necessary so that the state can step in and Medicaid may be an option.
Also, not sure how the "dementia test was done" but if not done by a geriatric specialists (sorry many GP just do a simple quick "clock test") it may be off, did they do a full battery of neurological tests, scans and review of ADLs and IADLs? Once my mom landed in the nursing home, the geriatric board certified neurologist who also is a psychiatrist and her geriatric internist (also board certified) confirmed the dementia I had long suspected.
Your mom is 87 and this is NOT going to get easier. Setting boundaries now, what you can and cannot do (you cannot do this type of care 24/7 alone) and start taking the steps to provide the care she needs in a facility so you can get your life back.
Good luck, this is not a easy journey.
A patient who is receiving Medicaid and needs nursing home level of care can receive more services at home and that relieves caregiver burden quite a bit.
The mother also does not sound like she would qualify for nursing home care. Really folks, you can’t just pop someone in a state subsidized or private nursing home just because you are embarrassed by her behavior in public. This woman is mostly ambulatory and does not suffer from dementia. Nursing home licensing requirements limit admissions to people who meet level of care conditions. And in almost every state, assisted living is private pay and out of the financial reach of the inconvenient, but otherwise completely lucid but angry mother.
I have a feeling that the mother would jump at the chance to be out of her daughter’s home if she could afford it. I also strongly suspect ample hostility and resentment on both sides because everyone is trapped by circumstance.
The daughter has indicated that her mother was once a good parent. Does that not count any more? What does “entitled” mean? Give some examples.
Anyone would scream if their feet were being dragged backwards in a wheel chair. Why would anyone use a wheel chair knowing there are no footrests? It’s downright cruel. No wonder she was “screeching!”
I see a couple of caregivers who are seething with resentment, possibly from the first days following the mother living with them, especially the husband. If the money from the sale of the house is gone, who spent it and on what? Who says the mother isn’t paying for her care? Is she paying the caregivers or isn’t she?
If these folks are stuck with her mother, at least enroll her in an adult day care program and get out of each other’s way during the day. In the meantime, see if you can get some affordable goal directed, time limited family counseling from your local community mental health center. This family is at an impasse because neither the mother or the caregivers want to live together but they are stuck with each other for financial reasons.
And, as usual, some of the people who post on this website quite obviously hate old people and cannot grasp that the caregivers point of view may not be entirely valid or that the person being cared for is still a human being with rights and feelings whose point of view is being completely discounted.
Up to the family to decide how to move past their inpasse now.
Also, if she is doing fairly well, could she make it in a subsidized senior apartment? Just a thought. Also, perhaps your county dept on aging could be a good resource on other potential funding for housing.
since VNA was involved before, could you have them send an OT and a social worker? The OTs often have amazing ideas about devises to maintain independence and provide comfort.
I would sit her down and tell her this isn't working and she's going to have to find another situation. You can help her find one, but give her a deadline (soon). Then move her in, visit when you can, and save your marriage.
Good luck!
i am an 87 year old who refuses to live with my daughter because she has bern disrespectful and threatening to me since she was 21. I would rather die than go to live with her. Do your mom a favor, and get her into an assisted living, and pay someone to do what you find distasteful. There is probably government help available. She doesn’t need to be at the mercy of someone who is miserable.
I'm writing a book, that began as a column in the newspaper, called, "Out of the Ozone". I began writing for the local newspaper, and much of what is in the book comes from there. When caregiver overload began taking its toll, I wrote one article called, "Breaking Bad: when caregivers overdo it and what to do about it".
Your mom sounds like my dad; great sense of humor. Even when he was in the last stages and we were having to wheel him to the bathroom and ask if he needed to go one or two, on one trip, he stopped, considered it, and said, "Well, I could probably drop a few kids off at the pool". LOL
With that goes behavior, reasoning, memory, balance, and mobility. My parents are thoughtful people who thank me constantly for what I've done for them. But they won't do what they need to do to keep themselves healthy and they've lost most of their possessions and their freedom from their age.
I know they are frustrated with the aging process. It sounds like your Mom is too. But you can't run her life. She has to do what she's going to do. You can reassure her. Know that she's probably scared. You can go anywhere you want within your means. She can't without help. Put yourself in her shoes. But also create boundaries and live your life.
The reality is that she's 87 years old and has made it through a whole life. Get used to get behavior. Your goals are to provide the basics.
If she's screeching, just stop what you're doing, address the situation, pat her on the shoulder, and get her the foot rests. Remember for next time. If you're worried about what some else thinks, if it were me, I'd tell who ever it is to mind their own business.
I had a physical therapist come in and tell my Mom and Dad to remove the foot rests so Mom could deliberately hold her feet up and build strength in her legs. That's great, but if Mom was dead set against it, then she gets the footrests.
Set your Mom up with a living environment that best takes of her needs based on what you're capable of. And take of yourself. If you can't take care of yourself, you can't take care of her.
Don't expect an apology from her. She's NOT the person she was 50 years ago. Not totally. It's normal. She knows your helping her. Outside of all this, or, to wrap this up, when it's too stressful, put her somewhere safe and walk away for awhile to gather your thoughts and recoup.
What we've learned, is that he may not be mentally capable of seeing what he's doing and understanding why it's wrong or how to fix it. He had a stroke 20 tears ago and has had several brain surgeries. It doesn't dawn on him that maybe he's talking too much to one person or that parents may not want a grown man fawning over their child. Common sense and social cues are way over his head, so he does things like run the dryer with nothing in it. Your mom may have lost at least some capacity to have empathy for others or acknowledge how her actions affect you. Unfortunately, it's either something you learn to live with or it may be a situation where you can no longer handle her in your home.
all of you.
Often times they cooperate better with someone they don’t know therefore, consider hiring someone to take her on appointments. And when push comes to shove consider NH or AL. If you don’t make some crucial changes your marriage will continue to suffer. Allow your manta to be .. I may not be able to change you but, I can change me! Whether it be physically, financially or mentally etc…. we are sometimes our own worst enemy until we’re ready to change that “ something” that will restore our peace.
It’s heartbreaking realizing our parents who were once caring and supportive toward us are now quite the opposite, just as their physical appearance and mental capacity changes we must do what we can for them (because of love). Just know it may be in a totally different way than what we perceived.
Wishing you a positive outcome💕
Maybe it's time to think about getting both you and your husband and your Mom a little independence and space. Sounds like she may not be a good fit for the independent living stage if her pain can't be managed by OTC or prescription meds (and most places have incredibly long waitlists since they are few and far between) so you may want to look at AL (preferably those with MCs attached just in case it is needed down the road) (and make up your minds that the pillows, blankets and whatever are probably not going to be to her liking wherever she is). In NJ there are a few ALs and MC who accept Medicaid but the number of beds is quite limited. Since she is still competent, make sure she has the VIPs (very important documents) - Will, DPoA and Health Care proxy all lined up and current. Then you might want to say something along the lines of "Mom, it's obvious that you are not happy here. How about we think about a way to get you your own place, somewhere close, where you can get the pillows, blankets, etc. that you really like and do the things that are important to you? You can even have your friends over and chat on the phone as late as your like." She is going to be shocked, then angry and maybe a "nice" person ........for a whole hour but if you want to save your own sanity not to mention your marriage it is time to cut the strings, and everyone retire to their own living space.
I have to admit it is sometimes painful for people to lift their legs in a wheelchair depending on what their problem is, but I don't get the feeling that you were really concerned with what the neighbors think (unless they are the type that wants to call APS for elder abuse every time she screams), I think you are tired beyond belief and the screaming issue just pushed you over the edge.
I wish you strength and peace on this difficult journey. Please keep us updated.
Honestly, I would move her to AL, my mother is there and she is the Big Kahuna, loves it when talking to the staff, at activities, hates it when she talks to us.
All a game, that I am not playing anymore.
I understand and empathize!
Not long after, I hired someone from the local church (a retired woman who needed a little extra in her pocket). She was close by, and would come in and drink coffee and talk to him.
That's what I would recommend (aside from speaking softly). Seriously, I'm a behavior therapist, and when you speak low and maybe even stand there (AND DO NOT MOVE) until she calms, it works. It works for 6 year old's. lol
Otherwise, you've gotten some good advice here.
One more thing...have your doctor recommend a Neurologist. A neurologist can get a look at the brain, and those pictures don't lie. It reveals parts of the brain and whether there are deficits in certain areas.