My mom is in an adult home, 97 yrs old and dying. The adult home sent her to the hospital this weekend because her blood pressure was spiking and they thought she might be having a stroke. The hospital sent her right back to the adult home with a diagnosis of renal insufficiency, which I guess means her kidneys are shutting down. She is eating almost nothing and drinking almost nothing, but the Catholic Church says you cannot leave someone with no fluids to just die. We definitely don't want dialysis, but if she stops drinking altogether and hospice and the hospital won't take her, what options do we have to at least give her fluids? We are working on getting her into a nursing home anyway because the adult home won't keep her in this state but we are confused as to where to go with this. Any suggestions? I don't even know if a nursing home will provide fluids.
There are Catholic-affiliated Hospice groups. I think you should talk to a Medically-knowledgeable Catholic priest about the Church's position on giving/forcing fluids when someone is dying.
When a person is dying they will naturally stop wanting food and water.
Forcing her to eat or drink can be painful for her because her body is shutting down. Her kidney are shutting down forcing fluids her body can't process would be torture for your mother. As would dialysis.
She is not asking for water or food and being refused either.
I think you are misinterpreting your religious teachings.
The body does not know how to process the food and it it "busy" keeping the heart beating, lungs working and brain functioning.
Fluids may be aspirated causing more problems.
Fluids may also travel to layers between muscle and skin causing skin to swell and split.
Offer a moist swab dipped in water to moisten the mouth. Run the swab over the lips, tongue. Do not give ice chips, just the moist swab.
I am sorry you are going through this and so sorry that Hospice has not explained the reasoning behind the reasons for not giving fluids.
My dad passed away in a Catholic hospice, which is one of the best in NYC. They are aware that during the dying process fluids are no longer necessary and though, they did support him with IV for a while, when he was close to death, they stopped. I am sorry to say, but your mom may be in the dying process. May you find comfort in memories, may her transition be pain free and peaceful. Sending sympathy and hugs during a difficult time.
The Catholic Church prohibits suicide and murder. Letting Nature take its course is neither. My husband and his family are mega-Catholics, and when my FIL hit his head and had a massive brain bleed, they all followed the doctor's advice and unplugged him from life support and let NATURE take its course.
You wanting to force fluids on a dying woman is interfering with God's will, not to mention bad medicine that will cause immense suffering. Do not believe you know more about what is to happen to your mother than a doctor or especially God. He frowns upon humans who presume to do that sort of thing.
I suggest that you call her PCP and have an order written up for Hospice. They will come in and evaluate Mom. Please have someone there with you. 4 ears are better than two. What you don't pick up they may. And listen because people misinterpret Hospice a lot.
Hospice is end of life. They do not kill people, their job is to make the patient comfortable. Yes Morphine is used for this purpose. Besides helping with pain, it helps with breathing. The patient is never given enough to overdose them.
See if you can meet directly with a hospice outreach team member (ask for a nurse, if possible, as your questions are ones that nurses tend to have most knowledge) and listen to their answers to your concerns.
Your mom may very well be slowly transitioning toward end of life already. That is the gentle slowing and shutting down of the body's functions. At some point this can become a faster process - active transitioning - and hospice can provide great help with any changes in this stage, which may include signs of distress.
I think of it as the body and the spirit take a long time to 'come apart' at the end of life, with the spirit returning to wherever it is before we are born. (Also raised Catholic, former hospice nurse.) Hoping for comfort for you and your mom
I very much hope that Mom now has Hospice as she makes her final exit from this life. She deserves comfort as she goes toward her peace and her eternal life according to your and her beliefs.
Please don’t spend all of this special and valuable time running around worrying about her, that’s what Hospice is for, you know she is in the process of dying and as long as she seems happy and comfortable spend your time just being with her. Sometimes these are the most precious moments you can have through the aging parent process and they provide peaceful memories and closure after they pass on.
We start training our kids from an extremely young age to call for help if they need it or see someone who needs it; I remember in preschool, my kids learning about calling 911 in the case of an emergency.
Then we grow into adults, many of us have children, some of us become caregivers for elderly family. We end up with years under our belts of when we see someone in need of help, we give it. If the help that person needs is above our paygrade, we call someone who CAN give help. We learn through experience what distress looks like, even if it isn't spoken. We learn that the sooner we render aid - or get someone else to do it - the less the damage will be. We start to try and anticipate the needs, to stave off the potential emergency.
Then when the end is near, we call in hospice.
Even if, logically, you understand that hospice is EOL care, that their mission it to try their best to ensure a peaceful, non-painful passing, emotionally it is something very different. To stand by and allow nature to take it's course, with only comfort care medication given - it goes against almost every instinct we've developed and sharpened in our years of caregiving.
I remember the night my mom passed, as she was actively transitioning, using every ounce of willpower I had to NOT call 911 and have her removed to the ER. I *knew* she was dying, but to stand by passively and allow it to occur naturally was nearly impossible. She clearly needed help, and here I was NOT giving it and NOT calling someone who could help.
Of course, I didn't call, and of course I watched her pass. It took me a while to get over the images and forgive myself, even though I know I didn't do anything for which I needed forgiveness. They say time heals all wounds, and it did for me.
I don't know any advice I can give that will help, other than to say I empathize with what you're going through, and I hope you can come to a decision that brings you peace.
Allowing our loved one's to pass from the physical world, as peaceful and with as much dignity as possible, surrounded by love.
You did the right thing, we can't prevent their departure, no matter how much we want them to stay with us; glad that you were able to allow yourself to release the burden of guilt, as you struggled with those final moments with your Mom. <3
When your mom refuses fluids, respect her wishes.
and PS - The Catholic Church is not a medical authority, so I'd say it's safe to disregard that opinion.
I’d be one.
Please let your 97-year-old mother have the peaceful death that she deserves. Do NOT force her to move from place to place at her age and in her condition. Instead, why don't you sit by her bed, hold her hand, and talk to her? Even if she's not alert, she can hear you because hearing is the last sense to go. Tell her you love her, tell her you'll all be OK after she's gone, and tell her that she's done a good job with her work here on earth so it's OK for her to go. Sing lullabies to her. This is your chance to show your love in the most important way—by being by her side as she makes her transition.
After a person stops taking food or water, they can linger for days as their body continues shutting down. After the first couple of days, they will gradually slip into a "twilight zone" and it will get deeper and deeper as they approach death.
Worrying about what the Catholic Church says is about YOU, not your mother. Is it possible that you have misinterpreted their teachings? Is it possible that they teach people not to selfishly withhold water from a man who has none, but is otherwise very much alive? You might need to talk to a hospice worker, and she can confirm that not drinking water or eating is very much part of the dying process.
It is unlikely and probably unwise that she be artificially hydrated while dying. Hydration will not keep her alive.
if you are concerned about what the church says, please speak to your priest or deacon. You can’t force someone to drink, and I’m certain your clergy will be very supportive.
The body can no longer absorb the fluid, so it 'third spaces' meaning it fills in between the cells. THIS is miserable and painful. Eventually the fluid will surround the heart and fill the lungs. The kidneys cannot excrete the excess fluid.
It is far more painful to die 'suffocating' in fluid than to pass comfortably medicated and with just swabs to the mouth and keeping the lips moist.
My dad could manage about 1/4 of a popsicle. That was about 2 T of fluid, and often he's throw that up, as his body simply couldn't handle it.
I'm sorry for you, watching this. But Hospice will help you through.