My mother is 83 years old and recently had very swollen hands and swollen knee caps and she was in bad shape for about a week. I called her doctor and she got very angry about that and still wouldn’t get in the car and go to the doctor to be assessed. She asked me to drive her and my father to the doctors office in my car because it’s easy to get in and out and then at 7 AM in the morning she called and said she wasn’t going. So she still hasn’t been assessed by a doctor and the swelling has gone down but her fingers are numb and she’s still having problems. My mother becomes very angry and gets very resentful when you ask her several times about going to a doctor or doing anything to improve her condition. I’m going to be 60 years old and I try my best but I don’t get anywhere. My father is going to be 85 and my parents have been married for about 64 years and my father doesn’t seem to make any progress either. Any suggestions would be most welcome. thank you all
Since your mother, "becomes very angry and gets very resentful when you ask her about going to a doctor or doing anything to improve her condition," it's time to stop trying to fix her health conditions, and ... it's time to leave her alone to live her life without you or your assistance.
Since she, refuses to do anything about her situation, you cannot continue thinking that you are the person to fix her situation, or you cannot continue being the person who tries to solve her stated problems. You must stop being the person she manipulates when she wants to psychologically manipulate someone.
If she wants a ride to a doctor's appointment then direct her to call an Uber or medical ride service, minimally tell her to find someone else to cancel; since she cancels at the last minute, she will be charged $$$ if she tries that with a hired service.
All in all it's time to enact boundaries, you are not her Psychologist or Driver, so it's time for HER to start taking control of her whatevers.
If your mother needs assistance she is capable of getting it herself, otherwise she can live with her self-induced consequences that result from her refusal to obtain basic medical evaluation.
It sounds cold, but she's treating you coldly.
Let this go and let mom decide when she needs to see a doctor; let her arrange that herself. She needs to own these decisions and the consequences of her actions.
Her reason for wanting to cancel? A handyman was coming the same day to stain her deck. She made that arrangement knowing full well we had other plans. She didn't need to be home. It's outside work and he has done her deck for years, so not like leaving an unknown person outside of her locked house. "What if he needs the bathroom? What if he wants a glass of water"? I told her he would probably bring his own water. Or he can drink out of a hose. If he ha to pee he can go behind a bush. He can poop at McDonald's. She could have rescheduled HIM. Deck staining is not a home maintenance emergency.
I stood my ground and made her keep the plans that were made first. If I rescheduled it would be a different excuse next time.
I was honestly angry that she didn't consider anyone else's schedule but her own. We had already canceled on the attorney twice. I wasn't going to do it again.
She will be mad. You will survive her wrath and so will she. She may need a small dose of anti-anxiety medication in order to function more comfortably, and the only way a prescription can be written is by having a medical professional see her.
If you can maintain your own comfort level while doing so, stop asking her about the doctor. If you move ahead and bring the services to her WITH NO PRIOR DISCUSSION, she will realize that you mean business.
You will need to begin assuming responsibility for her welfare in spite of her protests. Her self neglect and hostility are not appropriate self care behaviors and sooner or later if she continues to behave as she is now, she will damage herself to the extent that she will be further disabled.
Do whatever you can for HER, whether she fusses or doesn’t. If you are acting in HER interests, and making the best decisions on her behalf that you can find for her, that is ALL that you can fairly expect yourself to do.