Hi,
I live in CT. I've lived with my dad for years and the past few years he has needed more help, after getting over Covid I hired a friend to stop by to make sure he was awake and get his breakfast, help him with errands and appointments, and also come back at 6 to make sure he had dinner. Friends would stop by during the day. I was able to work full time and enjoy time with my father.
In August, a former employee of his came to visit. She had nowhere to stay and no job. While here, my dad happened to have a fall and fell ill with a 24 hour flu and she looked after him. He told her she couldn't stay, but eventually he wanted her too and she took over all the caregiver duties.
Flash forward to now. Some things built up slowly, the worst we learned about last week. His cognitive skills have declined (He didn't know the day 3 times last week). She is controlling his medication and I overheard them arguing about it. Myself and several people have observed her drunk in the house. She argues and speaks rudely to me and anyone else in the house other than my father. He has fewer visitors, including myself. I found out he allowed her to use his debit card to make deposits at the ATM. I set up his banking, so I went in and looked at the account. It went from a handful of deposits to numerous ATM withdrawals, Best Buy, liquor store charges, day after day. My father never leaves the house. When confronted my father said he didn't recognize them, then said he gave her the card, then she flipped out and started yelling at me and my brother who came in from out of town. She has accused me of hacking her phone. We asked her to leave, my father doesn't seem to understand why and wanted to give her two more weeks. Immediately I didn't feel comfortable with an extra 2 weeks. One day in she informed me "I ain't leavin". Do I call the police or Social Services?. The house is in my name and I have POA. I'm taking time off work because I can't focus to be there and worry about him with her.
You can probably tell, I could rattle off more issues.
2. Freeze his credit.
3. Call dad's bank and have all of his accounts closed and re-opened with new acct numbers.
4. Call Adult Protective services and report financial abuse of an elder.
5. Call the police and report theft. While she is being booked, call an emergency locksmith and have the locks changed.
6. Call your dad's lawyer and ask if this is the correct way to proceed.
Is she has changed her address to dad's she may have rights and will need to be evicted.
You need a diagnosis of dementia and the correct paperwork.
You need an account on which you pay the bills, the paperwork (or online access) needs to be yours as POA. Leave a small spending account with your Dad's that is his to manage.
If neither you nor this person lives with Dad it may be time to get Dad into care. Coordinate with his MD.
You are likely going to have to do eviction from YOUR home with a landlord/tenent attorney.
You should open an elder abuse case with APS using your POA papers to do so.
1. I've secured his cards, and bank account.
2. I ended up having to call the police yesterday. My dad was VERY groggy all afternoon and a friend stopped off to visit who had hemmed his pants. He gave her some money and the aid went nuts. It was so loud I had to investigate. If she wasn't drunk, she must have a manic personality disorder the way she was yelling at ME. I videotaped most of it. She was laying on my father, grabbing his arm so he would put it around her yelling out
"You won't take anything else from me"
"I LOVE this MAN!"
"most of those charges were for him and he said I had permission!"
"YOU just want his MONEY. I TAKE care of him 24-7"------I
"He just wants me out so he can put you in a nursing home!"
When she stood up and he was trying to stand up and she was pushing on him and yelled at her to get off is when I called the police.
3. Police couldn't remove her because she is a private employee with no contract.. He said its equal to moving in a gf and since my dad't didn't complain. He kept saying everything was fine and I was just overreacting. The officers said I would need to evict her since I'm the homeowner. Since I have my own area of the house he suggested I just stay away that night, but I was surprised they felt comfortable leaving him in her care. She really didn't calm down
I'm deciding between calling Adult Protective Services and filing police charges just to get her out. I'm also visiting his doctor Thursday, it helps that we both have the same family doctor for the past 30 years who we know socially as well. They called me with some concerns the first time they saw the new caregiver as well as yesterday. Apparently she called in asking for refills on his Vicodin and Xanax. That set off alarm bells over there. She had no problem calling me when we left the house today all friendly "oh, hey, don't forget to stop by the doctor's office after the accountant to see if they left his refills in an envelope on the door".
Thanks for listening, this seems like a friendly place to rant. I know I can't keep doing it to my friends.
Today I took him to the accountant and our new Shake Shack. In the car he said to me "you promised I could keep making my own decisions and I want her to stay, who else is going to take care of me?" He was much more lucid today. I said "After what she did yesterday, laying on you, yelling at me". I had to show him the video and he didn't want to watch, but he didn't remember it.
This is ripping me apart. She has isolated him so much, he hardly gets any friends and relatives to stop by. My step brother and sister live out of state. He doesn't believe me when I told him people don't come over specifically because of her. His one friend he listens too loves to talk, but then when push comes to shove will say "its a family decision" I really wish some of the older male relatives in my family would step up and say something. I'm almost fifty, but I know in his mind I'm still a kid, so he doesn't want my advice and if I take her away all on my own I'm gonna be the bad guy.
You need a lawyer. Yesterday. Start eviction proceedings against her. Yes, send her out and change the locks.
Perhaps dad needs to go for a month's respite at a local AL while you straighten this out.
Just so you know, if she is exchanging caregiving for a place to live, that's illegal. You are in violation of labor laws and she could make a complaint, I think.
If dad is going to remain in the home, I would get those meds and secure them in a pill safe in YOUR part of the house. From now on, only you dispense pills, morning and evening. Once her access to them is cut off, she may move on.
Please lawyer up.
She is NOT an employee, she is a "guest" and dad says he wants her to stay. So the cops are accepting that dad has the right to invite whom he wants to stay in his space.
2. Call the authorities (aka police) to have this person removed from the home. Place a restraining order on this person so they can not come back.
3. File charges against this person for fraud and elder abuse.
4. Get your father help either by placing him into assisted living or hiring certified home health care aides through an agency.
5. Hug your father and let him give you hugs back. You and he are going through a difficult time and need to encourage each other. You and he can get through this.
Hugs!
Start that right away. It is all paperwork you can file yourself you really do not need a lawyer for this particular part,
I would see an Elder Care Attorney and begin the process of getting Guardianship (that may be more powerful than your POA but check with the lawyer)
I would also contact APS and ask for an investigation.
And if at all possible I would move into the house along with dad until you can get this person out. I would not leave her in the house or alone with dad at this point.
And it sounds like dad is going to need either full time caregiver (a legitimate one) or Assisted Living when all is said and done.
Dad sees her only as someone to care for him. He ignores or forgets any of the negative issues.
To make a report, call Protective Services for the Elderly at the Department of Social Services during business hours at the toll-free line: 1-888-385-4225. After business hours or on weekends or state holidays, please call Infoline at 2-1-1.
Change your locks and call the police if she shows up.
https://ipropertymanagement.com/laws/connecticut-eviction-process
Call both, or get an elder attorney to speak for you. They have a way of scaring them into compliance. But seriously, tell her that you are liable legally, and that she is putting you in that position. Change his bank info and move his money, get only yourself on the card. We had someone like that with my dad and took his life savings down to $5000 before we could stop her .
You could wait till she is out and change the locks. You will have to come over when she leaves the house. Of course she would take advantage. You gave her a house and Card! Cancel the card. Buy the groceries or have them delivered to the house. That way you know there is food. If you give cash she could buy anything with it and have no food in the house. Don't do it. Pay her with a check. That way you have a money trail. You need to get someone else to come in and care for him. That way she can't say you owe her thousands in pay for 24/7. She will use covid and not working as a way to dig in further.
You need to consult a lawyer ASAP, get one of those companies that monitors deeds, get all banking info sent to you. Start going over there taking care of him. Make sure the bills are online locked down, or go to your house/po box. Most can be locked down online. That way she cannot control that.
You will have to pay her for taking care of him. Find our what rent normally is for renting a room. And start writing down everything. Money in/out, what is her rent portion and figure that in. Start from the beginning. Write everything down no matter how small, and keep track for court. You need a lawyer for this.
If she has only been there less than a month, I'd get the locks changed and be Rhee when she gets there. But I doubt she was only there for a week or 2.
You will need help with a lawyer.
You need to stsrt showing up day and night to make sure your dad is ok.
I am not an expert by any means but I do have 30 years experience In Home Health Care. I would contact Social Services first. I would also contact the bank and let them know what the situation is and have them cancel that debit card and have a new one sent to you. I would also tell the bank that she Isn't supposed to withdraw Any money from his account....I'm Really sorry you are going through this it's hard enough seeing him decline, let alone someone treating him that way.
I wish you both the best.
Take care 🙂
File theft charges on the charges ..you should be able to find out what they were for and if it’s personal items for her it will be difficult for her to deny. Also the dropping of these charges could then be used as a way to make her leave on her own. Might consider having father visit one of other siblings as a way to have her also leave and then change locks etc.
good luck please let us know progress.
I know this may sound a bit paranoid, but I've seen it happen. Her behavior is very disturbing! Your account of finding him "groggy" might also signal that he is being over-medicated with these sedating drugs, allowing her to avoid caring for him properly or even stealing from him. If you can, pick up the drugs yourself, put them in a secure place and count them every time you visit.
I hope you can (maybe already have) gotten rid of her. Getting him to an assisted-living or long term care place temporarily, might ease your mind somewhat, but it sounds like some legal action will be needed.
You need to take control of this situation immediately.
As you are the POA, handle his accounts. Take his check book away, limit his cash, insure he cannot use a bank card.
If I were you, I would get house locks changed ASAP.
This woman and her brother are bad news - which could get much worse. Don't let that happen.
Do a criminal check on this woman. Report her immediately if you haven't yet.
Gena / Touch Matters
Yes, you call the police and then you call social services. How long has she been living at his house? Does she receive mail there? This changes everything because if she does you will have to evict her.
If she acts up or is drunk have your father call 911 then petition for a restraining order. This will prevent her from coming back into the house while the eviction process is going on.