How to cope with a senior (my mother) who keeps telling me she does not want to live?

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How to cope with a senior (my mother) who keeps telling me she does not want to live?

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My mother has always had anxiety over everything but while my Dad was alive her issues were minimized. I moved her here to live next door to me after he passed and over the past 7 years she has become worse and worse. I try to stay positive for my family (husband and disabled adult son, of whom I am the legal caregiver). Plus I have a full time job outside the home. My mom actually resents the idea that I have a job and will say things like “aren’t you supposed to be retired by now.” She bad mouths my husband to my face all the time. I honestly think that she sees my job and my family as deterrents to my giving her all of my attention. She is “sick” every single day. But really isn’t sick. Her mind is so completely negative that she actually believes that she is sick. Now she is starting the “if I have to live this way I don’t want to live anymore” speech. Her 90th birthday is next month and every year she gets really negative before her birthday but I don’t want to be pulled down into her pit with her. She’s my mother and I love her so it is so hard not to feel bad for her. Any suggestions out there how I can keep a happy outlook even while she is tearing me down all the time?

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Is your mother's depression and anxiety being treated medically? Has she been evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist?

In the years between ages 87 (when she became impossibly needy, anxious and depressed and when she died at 94, post stroke and post broken hip, the several geriatric psychiatrists were the docs who gave us the best advice, the best meds and the best overall picture of what my mom's needs were.

It sounds like your mom is in psychic pain, which is every bit as real as physical pain. Get her the help that she needs.

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Not getting sucked in to this kind of black hole of negativity is very difficult, and I do sympathise.

First things first, though: you say she isn't really sick, but you need to rule out depression, and vascular dementia. Have those been specifically excluded by a qualified medical practitioner?

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I am trying to get her to my doctor after I talk to him about this privately. She sees a very good doctor but refuses to acknowledge these problems with him. I take her to her appointments and she actually forbids me to mention a word of this to the doctor. Not sure if she would ever even agree to take any Med’s prescribed for this but I think this is all that is open to us. Will try.

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At her age she should have a full evaluation. Labs and everything.

I would ask her what would she like when she gets started. She has a new home closer to family. If she says more time with you. Say sorry Mom, but I work a f/t job and have a special needs child. I would love to devote more time to you, but right now that is not possible. Would you like me to check into an Adult Center (don't say Daycare) where you could spend time with other people? A Senior center?

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She can forbid you all she likes but you are allowed to tell the doctor, via fax or mail, what s/he needs to know.

I'd give that a try.

Elders who want to remain independent need to cooperate with the folks who are helping/propping them up.

They don't get to call all the shots and make their children their slaves.

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DesertRose, your mother can forbid her doctor to talk to you. He has a professional duty of confidentiality, and cannot breach it to discuss her care with a lay person.

But she cannot forbid you to talk to her doctor. You don't have any kind of duty of confidentiality to her, beyond good manners and your personal moral compass, and those are overruled by your duty of care.

Hope of potential treatment is one good reason for investigating a person's health, but it's not the only one. Understanding what is going on inside her head is equally important if you're to provide effective support that doesn't aggravate her or make you wretched.

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Your question is how can you keep a happy outlook. One option is to stop listening to the negatives. Try ear plugs when your mother starts running down you, your husband or your son. You can be quite blatant about it - ‘I don’t want to listen to this’. Another option is to respond to ““if I have to live this way I don’t want to live any more”, by saying that this is quite reasonable and what does she want to do about it? I know that for myself, I can certainly imagine that her statement would be true for me under some circumstances. If it isn’t true for her, accepting it as real might bring her up short to think more positively. If it has that effect, you can be happy. If it turns out to be true for her, I would suggest that it is also positive for you. I don’t believe that it is only depression that makes someone feel that they have outlived the way they want to live, and hope for the end. If she gets what she wants, you can be happy!

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Tell her it is her choice and move on to talk about something else. At the end of the day if she really wanted to end her life (and she may do) then doing so is in her hands and IS a choice she can make.

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I so understand what you are going through your Mother is trying to guilt you into giving her 24/7 care. So now she wants to die, which is subtly saying, since YOU won't take care of me, my life is miserable and my dear, it's all your fault.

I can't stand this shellfish behaviour! My Mother is alway sick too! I've been dealing with her sickness since my early 20's and I am now 53. I want to have compassion and mercy and I feel guilty because I honesty don't care anymore. I do want to care but the burden has gone on for way too many years. I still do what I can, but whatever I do is never good enough. I may get an occasional Thank you, but I know it's only because she knows she went beyond the push me limit. It's a ploy to suck you back in.

She treats me like a child. Do this, do that, you are stupid. When I confront her, she turns up the volume on the TV to tune me out. It's all about HER, but then acts so sweet to everyone else who comes along and they all just love her! What a spunky fun Mother you have, they say! She is our favourite patient! Ummmm hmmmm, try dealing with her everyday as she lays on the guilt trips and cuts you and your family down because nobody is doing enough for her.

My Mom is so needy and self absorbed and it is a shame. We used to have a good relationship but the constant wearing me down, the expectations and demands has got me feeling like I am in prison. I want to feel the freedom of simply enjoying my life without her constant guilt trips.

I had to put my foot down and it was tough. Very tough.i want to love and enjoy my Mother. I can't stand being resentful of her trying to control my life. Yet all she thinks about is herself with no regards to me. I suggest you put your foot down as well. I can do this and that but nothing more. Here is the help I found for you and leave it at that. Otherwise she will consume your entire life.

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I have an aunt whose latest line having turned 80+ is "if I'm here next year".

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This is hard but sometimes the best thing to do is two fold...when she says she wishes her life would end do not say things to counter it. Simply say "I understand ". When you do that it acknowledges her feelings and it doesn’t begin any back and forth. When she treats you badly, you need to know how to handle her. Might I recommend and excellent book by a psychologist who deals with adult children of parents who is like your mom. It will give you ways to cope with her, tips of how to respond and how to even understand her behavior. He even does therapy sessions over the phone if you want. He’s based in Dallas. Book title is Loving Hard-to-Love Parents: A Handbook for Adult Children of Difficult Older Parents By Paul Chafetz. It’s a thin book so an easy read. I might also suggest a therapist in town to help you. It’s not easy but you just need tools and good boundaries.

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I'm always in favour of a nice thin book! :)

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If her personality and moods differ from the way she used to be, she probably would benefit greatly from a mild antidepressant. You can schedule an appointment (for yourself) to directly meet with her doctor.

The “not wanting to live” is a cry for psychiatric help at any age.

Her grief and and sorrow could truly be making her feel sick.

You may also be able to find a geriatric psychiatrist in your area.

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How many years has your mother been manipulating you? Did she do the same with your dad? Seems like you are going beyond the call of duty. You have a lot on your plate. Have you tried to confront her about her problem, like, "Mom, I can't stop you if you really want to die, is that what you really want? Remember it is her problem.
Does she get joy or happiness out of anything? Does she laugh about anything? Does she have any living friends? She sounds like a miserable soul. Maybe some anti depressents would work, or , some trips to the senior center. I have a similar problem with a 99 year old. Once in awhile I give a pep talk. "Why are you so selfish? Don't you know there are many people who love you? Stop feeling sorry for yourself and enjoy everyday. " Stuff like that.
If all else fails, try bringing her a small dog or a cat.

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Only buy a dog or cat if everyone is on board with its care and keeping it as a lifelong pet!

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I am persuaded everyone should have the right to choose when and how to die with dignity. It may be hard for loved ones to accept such choices but try to walk in her mocasins and examine how you would feel.
On the other hand you need to set boundaries and stand your ground. Self-absorbed manipulation is unfortunately a human trait that can suck the life out of care givers.
Be clear, unpolagetically, with her that she is not your singular concern. This can be done lovingly and supportively but both you and your mother will benefit by being honest with her. Let her know that you love her, will support her choices, but will no longer tolerate abuse of others you love and care for.

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Are you sure you’re not talking about my mother? My mom, 86, has to be the most depressed & negative person I know, and she too wants to pull us into her pit with her. She has been diagnosed with pseudo dementia, which is caused from depression, however she firmly told me she is “not losing her mind like we think”, and if I tell her Dr again to give her an antidepressant, she won’t take it. She now wants to live & be by herself, yet wonders why we aren’t with her every day, and too wants all of our attention. I’ve always been careful about talking to her & telling her how I feel, so she doesn’t have one of her “meltdowns”. Well, last night when after talking to her, my blood pressure was 179/105, I decided enough was enough, and told her how I felt. I defended my position and how my marriage & health were going to take priority for a change. Of course she had a meltdown, and had a “pity party”. Also, my dad is 90 & in an ALF, and talk about negative! It’s exhausting. I too always try to stay positive, and it’s a constant struggle. It’s hard, but when your mom bad mouths your husband, just tell her that you will talk to her later when she has something nice to say. I’ve found that not giving in to their “doom & gloom” helps. For me, I thankfully can vent to my husband who has been a Godsend. Then I do something good for myself. I either take a short walk or just sit quietly by myself, if only for a few minutes. Sometimes that doesn’t solve the whole situation, but brings me a little peace. I also started seeing a therapist, which has helped immensely. You have a lot on your plate, and you need to take care of yourself. I love both of my parents, but have finally realized that I’m not responsible for their happiness, only my own. I feel as though the roles have reversed and I’m the parent now. I’ve heard of “tough love”, and that’s what I’m going to have to use from now on. The one thing I always do, even though I don’t feel like saying it sometimes, is to tell them I love them before leaving or before I hang up the phone, regardless. At their age they can be gone tomorrow. And, so can we if we don’t take care of ourselves. Oh yea, prayer always seems to help too- as long as I’m open to the answer to it. Best of luck & many blessings.

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Bless you!! My mom and your mom could be twins. Thank you for your words of encouragement. They really help. It’s a strange thing when we suddenly realize that we are parenting our parents. There’s something fundamentally wrong with this but I think being firm and setting boundaries is the only way to cope. It’s easy for me to fall into the trap of thinking I have to make her happy but I just have to constantly remind myself that she has all the love and needed support from me and only she can make herself happy. That’s something I cannot do for her.

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You aren't the one who needs to learn how to cope; your mother does. Either she learns how to cope with life's challenges or she doesn't. Either way, it's her choice.

You cannot live her life for her. You cannot ensure her happiness. All you can do is set healthy boundaries for yourself so as to protect your wellbeing and the wellbeing of your husband, children and grandchildren.

Caregiving is hard enough without the negative attitude and pity parties. You have a life outside your mother. Your mother has chosen to let life pass her by. That is her choice. You have choices too.

When she starts in with the boo-hoo woe-is-me shtick, learn to say something like "Mom, your negativity is wearing me out. I will come back to discuss [insert task] when you're feeling better" then kiss her on the cheek and leave.

And for goodness sake do not stand there and listen to your mother bad mouth your husband! She does it because you let her.

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Thank you for your wise words. I think deep down inside I knew this but it’s so reassuring to hear this from others. Your comments have been very helpful.

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My mother is 84 with advanced dementia alzheimers living in a wonderful assisted living place.
There were times she treated me, her first born baby boy, like I was the devil doing this to her. She would speak that she's not going to live her or there or she'll take her life, etc. Not much but for any of us to hear this just once is more than enough.
My being consistantly loving on her, which is easy to do, and firm in seeing to her best quality of life, she has mellowed.
The most important actions I see suggested to you by others on this forum is - Get her evaluated! She needs a full workup from lab to cognitive / emotional. Get her to a good Geriatric physician. With this you will have a very qualified social worker assigned, usually with physiciatry training & experience. This person will be a liaison for you and mother. They see to mother's welfare and support and for the family. They are a excellent source for knowledge and how to's. This is a good thing. We absolutely appreciated the liaison assigned to our mother.
Mother's evaluation is the first thing. From this you will be able to move forward. Your liaison will be able to assist with anything your mother needs, in turn, which will provide what you need....mother's care & quality of live. 90 years old!
At her age & life partner gone, she needs this from you.
We all, because we love our parents, get caught in a self-placed position of a 100% resonsibility of caring for them when we really can't due to having to care for our families, jobs, etc., then feeling terrible.
So....first step?!? Get mother evaluated!
Blessings

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Psychiatric help is needed!

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Take her to a psychiatrist now.

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There is a Novena prayer to St. Therese from the 9th to the 17th of every month. In desperation I prayed it this month, albeit starting and ending a few days late. I believe St. Therese obtained a miracle for me.

This is a link to it : https://www.ewtn.com/devotionals/novena/24_glory.htm

I am quite certain the Little Flower will not mind if you are not Catholic.

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My parents started in with that line of thinking, starting at around the age of 70! At first I was honestly concerned they would commit suicide together. At the time (about 9 yrs ago) there were not even any health issues and they had plenty of money to enjoy life. They just decided they didn't want to be "old". They pissed away their 70s sitting in their house in self-pity. Their negativity fed off each other and they aged themselves quickly. I had to learn to accept what others have said: You can't be responsible for their happiness, set boundaries, protect yourself, make your own life your priority. By the way, my parents have lived three houses down from me so, like you, it has been difficult to escape from the negativity. I am an only child and my parents pretty much ended up with no friends or family, so I have been the only one in line to absorb all of the bad stuff. On mom's 75th birthday I stopped by to see her and discuss maybe going out to celebrate? She was writhing around in bed saying that 75 was "nothing to be proud of" and she hoped to be dead soon. Their negativity messed me up for a while until I learned to detach. Dad is now in assisted living with dementia, mom at home alone.

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Upstream: One can choose to look at the glass half empty or the glass half full. I choose the later.

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She might really want to die. Lots of older people feel they have lived too long. I know a woman who asked her dad why he was unhappy and he told her how he felt, that he was ready to die and that he missed his wife who died many years earlier. I would acknowledge her feelings, then go about your business. She has a right to feel that way if it it truly how she feels.

If she is telling you these things out of manipulation then it is totally a different story. Then either say that you don’t want to hear it and walk away or simply walk away if she is getting satisfaction from upsetting you.

Or tell her you you will be happy to make an appointment with a psychiatrist who can offer suggestions. Remind her that you are not a psychiatrist and do not feel qualified to answer. I did that with an elderly lady who constantly said the same to me. I offered to make an appointment and she stopped telling me that she wanted to die. She only wanted sympathy which I offered but after awhile it became intensely draining and I felt she needed more help than I or anyone else could offer and felt she could benefit more from professional help. Turned out her daughter had already taken her to a psychiatrist and she refused to take medication. It’s sad because this woman gets so angry at her children because they live their lives and are happy. They don’t buy into their mother’s manipulative behavior or pity party.

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My dad was like this and when he broke his hip, he was even more unbearable. We (sisters and I) finally asked his doctor to prescribe antidepressants and it was the best thing!! All the good parts of his personality came through and we all were able to actually enjoy being around him. I wish he had gotten meds when we were growing up! So I second the psychiatrist or just her gp.

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Your mother is old, probably is very depressed as most seniors are, and most likely has some dementia. The next time she speaks out against everyone and everything, tell her very strongly that she is to STOP AT ONCE - YOU WILL NOT ALLOW HER TO SPEAK THAT WAY AND YOU WILL NO LONGER ACCEPT IT OR PUT UP WITH IT. Then walk away. Keep doing this until it sinks in. And if she doesn't shut up, tell her to go to her room and talk to the walls. You will not allow this behavior. She is going to get worse, and I know you love her and want the best, but she is incapable and unwilling to acknowledge or change this behavior. Your ONLY option is to stop her in her tracks!

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How to cope with a senior (my mother) who keeps telling me she does not want to live?

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