How to cope when they won't take care of themselves but say they don't want to die?

I'm really sorry you are going through such a horrible thing with your mother. Truth is, you can't care more about her than SHE does, you know? My brother in law just died of complications from COPD and refusing to quit smoking. While we all feel sad that he died at 70, he died on HIS terms. We had to throw away most of his belongings b/c they were so saturated with smoke that we couldn't even donate them.

My birthmother died alone and in pain because she refused to take chemo treatments for cancer. Again, she died on HER terms.

I don't know if either of my family members were afraid to die or 'didn't want' to die, but apparently their desire to live life on their terms outweighed any fear of death they may have had.

We can't have things both ways in life. We can't live a lifestyle where we neglect ourselves 100% and expect to live to a ripe old age. What irritates me the most is hearing stories like yours where the parent is causing so much pain and heartache for her children in the process of killing herself due to self neglect. That is selfish and unnecessary.

Sending you a hug and a prayer for acceptance of the life your mother has chosen for herself. I'm sorry you are witnessing her decline. I sincerely hope you are taking care of YOURSELF during this hard time and getting away from the scene as much as possible.

Very few of us "want to go" but "going is inevitable, especially when we have neglected ourselves. Only answer to her is "I am so sorry Mom. I wish there was a way I could help."
You mother, like the rest of us, in in charge of her own life, and the consequences of her behavior. I am uncertain whether or not you live with her, or she with you; I hope not. But whether she does or not, she likely, at only 64 years of life, has at least 10 to 15 years of life left, no matter the abuse she heaps upon herself. I would, were I you, move on with your own life, and making it a good quality of life. You know your options, and often staying embroiled in a difficult situation is easier than moving out and moving forward. It is what we "know", hence what we are comfortable with. Do consider some therapy for yourself to comb out what your choices are and what you wish to do, and to support you as you move into your future. Your mother has made her choice. See to it that she isn't making YOUR choice.

You mentioned in your post that your mom "has severe mental health issues". One of the hardest issues to deal with is expecting an irrational person to act in a rational manner". My heart breaks for the agony your mom is putting you through. Without knowing what her specific mental issues are, obviously the eating disorder is front and center, it's hard to offer specific advice. Is she under psychological or psychiatric care?
Sonetime, the only thing you can do is sit back and watch the pieces fall.
You are not going to be able to change her. All you can do is change your reaction to her behavior.
I' m not a medical person, but her actions strike me as the actions of a controlling individual. She promises this, then does that. Meanwhile she has you jumping thru hoops to try to make her healthier and happier. Unfortunately it doesn't seem like its going to happen.
Please start taking care of yourself. Talk to a counselor, your pastor, your spouse, your best friend. Let them reassure you that you have done all you can for her, now it's up to her. Prepare yourself for her passing, because no matter what, she will pass; just like the rest of us when our time is up. But IT IS NOT NOW, NOR WILL IT EVER BE YOUR FAULT. Huge hugs to you, you are a rock star for handling what you are faced with.

Your mother is a young woman. Her addiction to smoking is stronger than her fear of dying. Although she is afraid, the discomfort of death is less because it's likely not immediate, BUT the physical and psychological discomfort of being without her smokes is immediate and she can control that discomfort. It also sounds as if she has an eating disorder. She needs a psychiatrist and psychologist to assist her. Her COPD will, in the long term, kill her, but her fear will lead her to death's door faster than the disease. You can't "make her" change, the most you can do is try the best you can, consult with experts in the area (a counselor for yourself and a pulmonologist for her). Then when she does pass away, you will know you have done your level best. That's really it. It's hard pill to swallow. Hugs to you!! You are a good and brave person.
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As the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink...

This is really nothing new, since you say this has been ongoing for 8 years. No matter how much we want to help someone help themselves, they have to not only have the desire, but have to put in the effort too. We can't force it. Certainly with a child we can put our foot down and do what is necessary, but not with an adult.

About the best I can think of is have a heart to heart with her and state clearly that you would like to help, but you can't make her do anything. If she is willing to work with you and make an effort, you will continue to do what you can. If she won't work with you, then all you can do is provide supplies and a little compassion, but that's about it.

You should NOT take on guilt for any of this as it is up to her to make the effort to improve. It's hard, because we often want to help, we want to make their life better, but if she won't do it, then it is NOT your fault, whatever happens.

You are not the parent here and shouldn't be acting like one.

Your mom knows exactly what she's doing and has chosen her lifestyle.

You need to accept this and let her do her own thing as there is nothing you can do about it and you shouldn't spend whatever amount of time left fussing, arguing, ect when you and mom are together.

You should know by now she isn't going to change unless she decides to, so let her live her life the way she wants.

Life is short, make as many Happy Memories as you can.

Enot the time ya'll have together, be positive and supportive and don't be a nag or condescending to things your mom says.

If she says she's going to stop smoking, don't come back with...Negative things like mom, you've been saying that for years but just say That's Great mom, that would be awesome.

It's hard to change but having a good attitude is a must.

Your Motto around your mom should be No Negatisum always be positive.

Don't worry about mom watching TV all day, evidently she likes it or she doesn't think she has anything else to do.

Instead of being bothered by all her TV watching, get her to go out to lunch with you, ect to get her out of the house. Go to Church where she can meet some friends.

When you go to visit, bring a puzzle and start working on it with her.

Bring a couple Paint by Number sets for ya'll to do a little painting.

Bring over some coloring books, I color with my Grands and enjoy it.

Maybe you and your mom can join a gym or go fir walks.

Bring Beads and ya'll make some bracelets.

But in the end it is your Mom's choice what she does with her own body.

Prayers

Wonderful answers already. Older people tend to regress and it feels like her behavior is a bid for you to take care of her like a child. There is little you can do but perhaps talk to her physician. Does she need an anti-depressant? Take care of yourself

Your Mom sounds depressed, whether brought on by all her meds or by her situation is unknown. I'm sure this is devastating to watch, because she is still young and most likely can lead a healthier & more fulfilling life if she just changed some bad habits. Unfortunately, you can't fix that.
If you can get her to be involved in something more social with people her own age, I think that would help. Is that possible? Can you get someone to come in a couple of hours a day to keep her company or take her out to a park, shopping, or a meal? If there is anything she likes to do - crochet? draw? crafts? garden? sign her up for a class. She may go kicking and screaming but in the end it may give her life the kick start she needs. Best of luck and keep us updated.

Your story/situation reminds me of an old book title I recall called, Indirect, self-destructive behavior. It is almost as if your mother is suicidal demonstrated by her history of this. I would try to find a therapist willing to take her on if she is willing, if not, than clearly she is not interested in helping herself, and that is telling on its own. She needs to connect with someone, and that person is not you. The answer to depression may be helped with meds, but is not likely to be cured by them. That takes long and hard work over time.
There is always a shred of hope. For you as well. I know it is a huge challenge to find a therapist....try not to give up. Sending hugs...

My dad is an alcoholic. He lives alone in another state. His drinking and neglect of his body has cost him both of his legs. I have children and now grandchildren. Since he is also abusive, I do not allow him to have much input into my life. He also chooses not to have a relationship with me. So, the situation is sad, but I won't let a person who abuses himself and others ruin more lives.

Her actions speak louder than her words. I am sorry to say this but, it sounds like she uses her "fear" to manipulate you.

You CAN NOT care more about her wellbeing than she does. It will tear you to pieces.

You should stop listening to her words and start believing her actions. You need to create and enforce boundaries to protect yourself. She doesn't get waited on, she gets up and sees to her own needs. She can't get to the bathroom, then she wears depends and deals with the mess herself.

She is far to young to be laying in bed saying she wants to live and actively pursuing death by laying in bed all the time.

These are her choices and you are not responsible for her choices, please do not beat yourself up because she won't put any effort into her own health. Try to take care of you and don't let her guilt you or create fear for her fate or make you obligated to support her self neglect. She is choosing to die and I think that I would tell her to figure out how to get over that fear, because she is burning the midnight oil to deaths door with her actions.

It does suck to watch a parent basically kill themselves but, they are adults and we can only do our best. When that doesn't work we have to step back and realize that they are in control of themselves, as we are of ourselves.

Maybe some tough love and encouragement to get ready to meet her maker will open her eyes to what she is choosing.

When people are like this - bad behavior and mental and physical issues - YOU CANNOT FIX THEM. They bring many problems onto themselves so they must lie in their beds with the consequences. Consider a caretaker or placing her. YOU need to live YOUR life now so it is best for you. Do not take on this burden. It will destroy you.

I'm wondering if the meds she is on is a big part of the problem. Some of these drugs do make people suicidal. Please check into that. Perhaps by getting her off things like anti-depressents and sleeping pills can make a HUGE difference.

I am so very sorry for your situation. I have enormous empathy for addicts and those whom are hurt by their actions. My brother died from consequences due to his addiction. It’s certainly a roller coaster ride!

Many of us love our family members and see them as human beings first. Of course, we are heartbroken when they aren’t able to find the strength to seek help. Even if they do and manage to stop their destructive behavior for a time, the urges are so intense that the majority of people relapse. It’s terribly sad. My brother got his life back on track, married, had beautiful children, and owned a successful business. He lost it all due to relapsing.

I found it tremendously helpful to speak to a therapist about my feelings. It’s damaging to us if we remain judgmental of others and hold onto to bitterness. Trust me, I speak from experience. I watched my brother destroy himself. When I didn’t understand the nature of addiction, I harshly judged him and made us both miserable.

It is liberating to forgive. Not necessarily for the other person, but for ourselves. A weight is lifted off of our shoulders because when we forgive, they no longer have any power to hurt us. It takes a bit of practice to change our attitude and quite a few hours in therapy but the time invested is absolutely worth it.

My brother had his issues but when he was sober he was one of the kindest souls on this earth. This helped me see the entire picture of who he was, I saw him take in homeless people so they wouldn’t be out in the cold. Sometimes, people who have suffered the most end up being the most compassionate.

My sweet grandmother used to say that there is good and bad in all of us. I find this to be very true. Grandma never condoned bad behavior, but she never degraded a person either. She had a gift of showing people that they had value and a purpose in their lives. She had pure love in her heart. I am not a grandmother but if I were, I would hope to have unconditional love in my heart like her. She prayed for all of her grandchildren daily.

Every situation is different. I can only speak for myself. You will have to choose the correct path for you. It served me well to start focusing on myself. That is when my healing began.

The truth is that we don’t have any power to heal others, but we can work towards our own healing. Certainly, we can encourage, but we can’t force anyone to accept help. Try to remain neutral. I wouldn’t point fingers or devalue someone that is struggling. Most people don’t respond to ultimatums or insults. They are broken and sometimes extremely harsh treatment will only drive them deeper into their addiction, anxiety and depression. They will avoid you like the plague.

I completely forgave my brother in hospice as he was dying and I will admit that I wasn’t even sure that I would be capable of doing so. As I drove to his hospice house, I quietly prayed to God for His grace to feel nothing but love and forgiveness. My brother died in peace. I will always be grateful to hospice for the wonderful care that he received.

This is a terribly frustrating and sad situation but we must accept and respect that others aren’t perfect and are free to live life as they choose. We can hold onto the negative feelings or we can do our best to let go of it. Letting go freed me from the agony that I was in.

Best wishes to you and your family. Take care.

So sorry that you’re having to deal with this issue with your mom. Unfortunately, as much as you try to help, she probably won’t change her behaviors. I had to realize that after dealing with a similar situation for over several years now that this is what I have to accept from her and it will only get worse. I’ve decided to just let her sit in her recliner as she wishes and just make sure she has everything she needs—food, necessities, bills paid and frequent visits to ensure she is well. Because of her mental state, I don’t want to force her into changes that I have tried in the past that only resulted in several doctor appointments, test, hospital stays, yet, here we are again, just me and her, staring at each other...lol. So as long as she is okay, with the usual complaints, I’d say take care of yourself and put more energy to maintain self-care to avoid pitfalls like anxiety, stress, weight gain, etc. I messed up and now, I have financial and personal issues because I’m bending over backwards to keep her propped, healthy and stable instead of putting my foot down to get her into assisted living or care that is truly required. I just don’t want her to deal with that. Goodluck and God Bless.

You cannot change your mom.

Perhaps a retirement home would be best for her.

The stress of taking care of her could kill you.

I'm in the same situation with my husband, a type 2 diabetic. He doesn't do a thing to help himself, and in fact, does everything to make his situation worse. He sits in front of the TV all day and eats junk. I have tried several things to get him to at least put forth a little effort, but it's all for nothing. I have given up completely. You can't help someone who won't help themselves, so let it go. At this point, I'm angry with him and just hope I don't end up driving the handicap van.

Imho, you CANNOT change your mother's addiction as that is something that she must do IF she wants to do so and is at bottom, which you pretty much described that she is. For you, you should seek out counseling to better help YOU.

I cared for a lady in her home who wasn't so much worried about her death, but she was adamant she would NOT go to a nursing home. I believe it that she felt that way, but she did absolutely nothing to try to remain independent. She had me coaching her along to get up and walk, do her PT exercises, get up and start heading to the bathroom *before* it was an emergency and she soiled/wet herself. I handled all the cooking, cleaning, doctor's appts, advocating for her in general, all financial issues, etc. Just as one example, she would put on a show of it while the PT lady was there ("Oh I'm just working so, so hard because I want to get better!") but she sat on her fanny after PT left and did next to nothing until PT came again.

I was there cheering her on. At least two other people tried to verbally lay out the expectations as well. She knew what she needed to do to remain independent. Looking at me expectantly and waiting for me to wave my magic wand to make her problems go away wasn't going to cut it. Her decline continued. Sad as that was to see, it still angered me when she (and a few judgmental folks who were watching from the sidelines) felt I should be helping her even more when I was already at the end of my rope physically and mentally. Please don't let anyone push you that far. It was an ugly and dark time for me and I don't want other caregivers to feel like I did.

That said, she's been bailed out all her life and played the sympathy card as needed in order to manipulate others into paying her bills and/or doing her bidding. Unfortunately, there are some things that others cannot do FOR her. She would need to literally stand on her own two feet. She opted to turn up the heat on me and demand I fix this for her. Sadly, life does not work like that.

After an unwitnessed fall with likely loss of consciousness, she left home in an ambulance and never returned there. She went from hospital to rehab to permanent placement in a nursing home (I refused to take her back home).

Her lack of action led her to the nursing home - the outcome she said scared her the most and which she said she would never accept.

Of course, it's quite possible that she could have done *everything* asked of her and still ended up in a nursing home. It's possible. And it happens to some. However, the lack of action was hard to watch.

I am so sorry you're going through this. In terms of coping, I had to keep reminding myself that I cannot control the actions of others. And, if she was unable or unwilling to TRY, I was going to inevitably be increasingly unable to meet her ever-increasing care needs. The reality of that was quite sobering and did provide some perspective and solace.

My friend’s mom lives next door to her so I frequently see her when I go visit my friend. One day she asked me, “Are you afraid to die?” I told her that I am not. She said to me that she was afraid to live and afraid to die.

I really didn’t know how to respond. I couldn’t say what I wanted to say because it would have been insensitive and rude. I know that she was prescribed Zoloft but her daughter says that she is afraid of pills and won’t take them.

I wanted to tell her to take her meds to control her anxiety but it’s not my place to say that to her. I am friends with her daughter and I don’t want to place myself in the middle of the two of them. I feel in this situation it’s best to keep my mouth shut. I just listened and didn’t respond.

Hello Bubs5446

i read your story and felt compelled to write, not with advice because i dont profess to have all the answers, but to say j could have written what you wrote about my dad ....79yrs.
the self neglect breaks my heart the most, i believe my dad has a matter of short time now, i sat with him in his home last night, laboured breathing, chair-bound, soiled smelly clothes that havent been changed in two weeks, severe restrict lung disease, cellulitis of legs due to refusing to keep himself mobile, significant weight loss - the list is endless.. ive tried telling him off, but dad always knows better, ive tried having him hospitalised but dad goes crazy screaming i want to go home, he wouldnt allow treatments to be done to him to lessen his health condition, he wont let me help get him into bed, he has slept on his armchair now for 8 months, i asked him last night what his biggest worry is, altho his mental state is getting jibberish now he managed to answer “collapsing here on my own and dying” so what he is scared of most is what is likely to happen anyway, he wouldnt let me help administer inhalers, take tablets for his cellulitis or help get soiled clothes off (which secretly repulses me, its not what a daughter should do for their dad), he has a carer every morning but he wont let her do his personal care, she makes him a cuppa and says theres nothing else to do, he refuses her help to shower, change clothes, change toilet pad due to accidents.
its like his body has died but his stubborn brain is still going.
i totally despair, i cant bear seeing him like this but i do.....

Hello Bubs5446

i read your story and felt compelled to write, not with advice because i dont profess to have all the answers, but to say j could have written what you wrote about my dad ....79yrs.
the self neglect breaks my heart the most, i believe my dad has a matter of short time now, i sat with him in his home last night, laboured breathing, chair-bound, soiled smelly clothes that havent been changed in two weeks, severe restrict lung disease, cellulitis of legs due to refusing to keep himself mobile, significant weight loss - the list is endless.. ive tried telling him off, but dad always knows better, ive tried having him hospitalised but dad goes crazy screaming i want to go home, he wouldnt allow treatments to be done to him to lessen his health condition, he wont let me help get him into bed, he has slept on his armchair now for 8 months, i asked him last night what his biggest worry is, altho his mental state is getting jibberish now he managed to answer “collapsing here on my own and dying” so what he is scared of most is what is likely to happen anyway, he wouldnt let me help administer inhalers, take tablets for his cellulitis or help get soiled clothes off (which secretly repulses me, its not what a daughter should do for their dad), he has a carer every morning but he wont let her do his personal care, she makes him a cuppa and says theres nothing else to do, he refuses her help to shower, change clothes, change toilet pad due to accidents.
its like his body has died but his stubborn brain is still going.
i totally despair, i cant bear seeing him like this but i do.....

I’ve been thinking about other situations where you have to ‘harden your heart’, but keep on relating. For example, DH1 walks out for a younger model, against your wish. You still have to keep on reasonable terms for the children’s shared custody. Neither anger nor weeping is the right thing to do. Personal experience there!

My guess is that the same goes for parents of adult children who have taken to drugs or are criminals in jail. You have to put the ‘love’, the anger and the worry in the back of your mind, if you want to keep any sort of relationship. Glad to say no personal experience with that one.

Perhaps thinking those situations through might help you to work out how to control your distress. Harden your heart. Save the sorrow for the end.

The fear of the unknown....such as death, is a very valid fear. We're all afraid to die, unless we are saved by the love and sacrifice of Christ on the cross.
Ray Comfort explains it best....he says that if any of us has broken one of God's ten Commandments, then the penalty of our sin is death. We've all told lies, or stolen something in our lives, or used God's holy name in vain...these are moral crimes that send us to Hell....but, Someone paid the fine for us, in His blood, so that we can go free!
We all deserve Hell because the Creator is holy, pure and righteous....we fail naturally...so, God became a human, and He was still God, but He went to extreme lengths to save us all from Hell.
What we must do is Repent of our sins, which means, Turn Away from our sins, and put our full trust in Jesus Christ....He will do the rest. He will forgive you, and give to you a new heart, and you will receive eternal life with Him in a perfect, beautiful place called, Heaven.
To Not decide is to default to Hell. To reject the free offer of Christ is to reject salvation, landing one in Hell. Remember, Eternity is forever! Can't change your mind after you depart your body!
This is a win-win offer, and situation....this offer from the Lord God Almighty, is truly an offer No One should refuse!
Repent, and Trust in the Lord Jesus Christ....read your Bible daily, pray to Him, asking Him to show you how to pray if you don't know how. The Holy Spirit will lead you in prayer, and Always draw you closer to God, never lead you away.
Christ will fill your heart with His perfect love, and will be there for you, especially as you breathe your last. He will lovingly guide you to your Real Home, which is in Heaven!
Read/study John 3:16, 17....as a start.
God's love to all, and Shalom! 💜🕊💜

Your not alone. The same with my husband and he’s only 61 and has end stage copd and went into cardiac arrest from respiratory failure causing brain damage and now advanced dementia.
He will not move. Stays in bed and goes to the living room. That’s it. Uses a pee jug because he’s to weak to go to the bathroom for lack of physical exercise. He smokes a pack a day and so skinny.. just bones. He doesn’t want to die.. he’s very clear on that.
kills me watching him.. just kills me..
I don’t know what the answer is ..
somedays I feel so mad and resentful and some days just hopeless